hey guys. welp. im trying. i really am. im trying to keep my head up and push past this but its gotten so bad i can hardly type this. since about march ive been having problems with numbness in my feet and legs and has in this last month changed to total lack of control of the left side of my body. im self employed so i dont have any health insurance. around here we have some hospitals that you can apply for free health care with. even with their health care card nobody really seems to want to help me.

i went to the emergency room once when it started because well, not having control of your body at a young age is very bad. they turned me away.
went back to the emergency room today and it was the same.

its gotten so bad now i can hardly walk, and most importantly i cant play guitar or keyboard. so at this point, now that its getting in the way of music i just felt i needed to say something incase something happens to me. 

they wouldnt do any tests on me but i finally got some kind of mri or something. said they found at least one herniated disc in my spine but said it wouldnt explain why i cant move my left side of my body. 

the medical care here is so bad they said i cant meet with a specialist till next year. the thing is, my condition keeps getting worse by the day so my fear is that, ill be seen and told "oh we could of saved you but you waited so long to get help this is beyond repair" and i wont ever be able to make music again like i have been.

i've been so depressed about all this its been next to impossible to sit down and try to make music. even this piece of shit american football "cover" you're listening to now was crudely spliced together. my hand does not work. i had to record essentially one chord at a time and edit it together because i cant control my hand enough to play normally anymore. its really god damn frustrating. i don't know if im just a bad person and this is karma, but i wanted to say something before either i get so fed up with it i just leave the scene for good or soemthing medically takes a turn for the worst. i don't know what else to say.

i really hope someone can help me soon. I've said it so many times in so many vague ways in my music but i'll make it as clear as i can right now incase something happens to me, my view on this whole life thing would at least be here . I think this whole life thing is beyond any of our understanding, and its funny for anyone to pretend like the actually understand this shit. Idk what im doing, or what my purpose is. All i know is that when i sit down and write music it feels like im doing something good. It feels worthwhile and it makes me happy, and if i can't do that i just really don't feel i have any reason to be around. It's always been and always will be the only thing that makes me happy. The only thing that i don't need approval from, or could bring me down. Music has only ever taken me higher, and to not be able to write, well it just takes away my whole purpose. I never have and never will write words i dont mean, i hardly sing at all as i feel nothing is really worth saying. I just wanted to put sounds and instruments together and show whoever happens to listen how i felt. I don't waste my life sharing this shit in hopes ill be recognized, i just write music cause i love making music and sure, why not share it when im done. I don't know where im going with this. Just wanted to tell you all im very afraid right now. I don't know what next but it only seems to be getting worse for my health.

update 11/15/21 - i have multiple sclerosis i guess.. :/

summers end

space 1 (unworn)

liminal

Unworn - space 9

streamings
https://streamlink.to/stay-here

https://instagram.com/nakedleisure

Can you stay here?

kicking off the new year with this (at the time if posting this)

nowt - waltzing for eternity

Vacations but without beats - by NoBeats.

Øneheart - heartbreak

Øneheart - dereal

Øneheart, my head is empty - departure

a minute of joy – nowt

Everyone is asleep, except you. - Nowt

I only upload whenever I feel like it or just want to play a song on repeat while trying to sleep

Vacations but without beats - by NoBeats.

Hazem

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