i waited my whole life
i wasted all of my time
watching from the sidelines
i always wanted to make you feel better

so i shaved off my hair
wanted to get better
you said you wouldnt care
to speak to me again, ever

now i am alone
now i am alone
now i am alone
it's not so bad

now i am alone
now i am alone
now i am alone
its not so bad

heart eyez 4vr

Before all of that shit
I called you catfish
Sometimes
But i wasn't the first
I won’t take credit
I won't lie
Like i did to myself
All autumn
And through the wintertime
Much too high i guess
I neglected
Real life

Kissing through a screen
Seeing your skin
Through a mist
Thrashing in the dark
Fuck my life but-
I won't fuck you

the f word (loners cover)

i bet u cant guess who this is about

i watched the sunset alone in my car

im sry im sry

for chris, still.

sean was a kid who found me in the end of 2020 on the ig of my old music project. he and i bonded over our shared love of lofidelity/bedroom music. when i met sean i wasnt in a good spot. i dont think he was either. we xchanged #s and talked for a couple of months. some late night phone calls and text messages here and there. i found out he was the little cousin of the vocalist of a very important band in the bedroom scene. what are the odds? he was a very intriguing and interesting dude but most of all he was the sweetest kid. through pixels on a screen and vibrations in my ears, i knew sean was important. 
i wasn't good at keeping tabs on people back then, especially long distance. in march we exchanged some messages but i slacked. i had a lot of things going on, new jobs and relationships, experiences. growing up and out. at some point in the midst of me being a shitty friend, i called him to check in. i saw his phone was deactivated. didnt think too much into and called it a sign from the universe that i shouldn't reach out, i let it be. 
at the end of last year, about a year and a half of not checking in on him, i decided to go online and see how sean was. at that point he would've just graduated highschool and would be on his way to uni. 
when i got to his page i noticed the same post i had seen a year earlier. nothing new posted. when checking the comments, i saw loved ones grieving comments that were left over a year ago, since the last time sean and i had spoke. 
digging deeper, i figured out that sean had passed away march 17th 2021. 4 days after wishing me happy birthday, a week after our last conversation. 
i found his obituary and i found his fathers facebook. i read all of his dads posts from that day, including a post that contained the link to a youtube video memorializing sean's entire life through childhood photos. 

i never knew sean. i didn't get to know him that well with what little time i had and with what little bit i could. but through the tiniest fraction of a person you can perceive through light on a screen, i knew sean was important. i knew he had purpose. and i knew he didn't get the chance he deserved. i have so much love for him and i never knew him. one day i hope to see sean and be able to express gratitude for the emotions we were able to share with one another. this is goodbye for now bakersfield



dust fills my tooth gaps
i always hear it
you say it's bad luck
so why don't i get it?
death separates us
youre here in spirit
you left me on read
when you were near it

for sean, (bakersfield)

the number 6 repeating forever until i die

loss

song from the thumb drive

u wished me an early bday

fish out of water, dead in the sink

watchin tv alone in my room
i was reminded of u
& i know u prolly dont like
the idea of

me txting u
asking h r u
me wanting the bst 4 u
and you never knew

sitting in my bed
in my old home
i think about how i am alone
and how u dont care

we dont talk anymore
u wont knock at my door
when ur mom died
i think that i cried

adrian 5yrs

buzzing on my phone, it's time to quit
nobody wants you when u r sick
same oldplace but now they are all gone
nobody knows nothing theyre all wrong 

and i gotta get back there
im figuring this shit out
 i feel so crazy
every day i doubt
ill make it back to 
how i felt at 18
and lately its bleak

bleak

hfuc

sitting staring and breathing
below the sky
anything good on tv?
we're all gonna die
small talk in the evening
it cant change my mind


and i think about it all the time
so i think ill never get it right


change isnt a feeling
it goz  at nite
growing needing and dying 
is always on my mind

twenty4

i knew you
and you knew me
i thought you
were never going to be the way it all turned out
and im wrong im wrong im always wrong

what if i could make you stay
what if i could always be okay
what if i made them change their ways
i cant
i cant 
i never can

without the weight of you knowing
i think ill be fine
i catch you in my mind from time to time
never got a real goodbye
but this is
this is it

c ya l8r

i knew you
and you knew me
i thought you
were never going to be the way it all turned out
and im wrong im wrong im always wrong

what if i could make you stay
what if i could always be okay
what if i made them change their ways
i cant
i cant
i never can

without the weight of you knowing
i think ill be fine
i catch you in my mind from time to time
never got a real goodbye
but this is
this is it

c ya never (scratched)

i watched u go
see u later no u wont
u said goodbye
couldnt been a worse time
so i stayed up all night
i stayed up all night x3

i hope you got what you wanted
cause i didnt get shit i didnt get shit
you gave my clothes for him to wear 

i hope youre better than when you were with me
cause i never thought id give you anything
just my old clothes

oc demo

redeemer

i dont want to be a dick but i wont
change any of it i know i wont
i wanna be better than before
i cant change the way it happened 2 me
think we left it in the rain
i wont see it again i know i wont
i hope youre ok
i dont think youll ever talk to me

but if i caught all the worms
i know
i would cut too thin to stay away i know
and i if i carved out the words
i know
you would be too small to carry on this way

wormz (idk version)

At night your grandmother dies on a bed of chamomile
And the Virgin Mary stuck her head out from the wall, it scared you
So you cried by floral bedside until the telephone rang in the next room
It was six-six-six from a soldier who was hysterical on a toilet seat
And you could tell he was good-looking just by the way that he would speak
And you both sob like little cherries being crushed between my fingers
I drop the pits on tile floors and they echo like a tongueless mouth
Oh, I tried to speak, I swear to God, I wish I were your stray dog
Eating scraps of meat you gave me because you saw my ribs and I was dirty
Eating scraps of meat you gave me because you saw my ribs and I was dirty
Oh, I wish I were your stray dog, roaming aimlessly around the city

stray dog song (horse jumper cover)

what if all the things we did and said we never meant we're meant to go our separate ways and never see or talk again

and if you thought it would be a game of which you'd play, why play if you lost all yr pieces somewhere along the way

i dont know what to say
all the words keep leaving
my heart always thumping, beating

i dont know what to say
if i had things my way
we would have one more day

thumping_beating

for laz, 3 years late

I'd like to believe you when you say
That you don’t want me to go away

I think you look pretty when you
Look like it snowing out

I dont wanna think about you
Don't wanna think about you
Don't wanna think about you
Don’t wanna think about

like2

bought a gun

oct 4th 24


this song has stuck around for years. sry

roswell

try 2 sleep

sick

The custom concern for the people
Build up the monuments and steeples to wear out our eyes
I get up just about noon
My head sends a message for me to reach for my shoes and then walk
Gotta go to work, gotta go to work, gotta have a job
Goes through the parking lot fields
Didn't see no signs that they would yield and then thought
This'll never end, this'll never end, this'll never stop
Message read on the bathroom wall
Said, "I don't feel at all like I fall"
And we're losing all touch, losing all touch, building a desert

hug kiss etc

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