Sleeping

I wrote this for the start of two years of mindfuck and hell rip. Enjoy my demise. One day I'm gonna have to face that I can't escape what I've let myself into.

May 16th

Heart Key

Medi

03 I'm Sorry

Hey, I know it is really late right now but I'm just hoping you're awake. I miss you... I'm sorry I freaked out earlier I just couldn't help it. When you said you might be going out to that hip hop show in the city I just felt my heart stop. I mean. You know how those people are. I'm just glad you came to your senses and that you're staying home. I know your birthday is that day so I'll make it extra special. I already talked to my Dad and he said we can spend the day together! I really hope you're excited for this because I'm going to make it the most amazing thing you have no idea how much I've been hoping to make this happen! I love you so much. Goodmorning when you read this.

I know you're going to be upset but my Dad said we can't meet today, he has to work and he just can't let you come over without meeting you. I know it's been months but you can't get upset and go somewhere or whatever, honestly if you do I'm just going to have to stop talking to you. Be a little more patient. Can I have some pictures please? I'm so stressed.

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Trust.

Drowning

I'm sinking. Sweetheart I know you're thinking so many things right now and I'm the last on your mind but oh god I'm so scared. I wish you would answer my calls. I've been falling for so long I can't recall the times I wasn't chipping away bit by bit. My breath is nearly gone or maybe it has been gone and I'm just some conscious thought wishing things lasted this long. You have no idea everywhere I've gone wrong. Maybe it was the drugs, or maybe it was the nights I spent not sleeping if only I found a way to fix that at a young age I could have a clear head. I've been dead. I've been so cold and so unaware that red is the only steady flow I can feel and expect. I don't know what life is anymore but I don't think I ever knew. If you only knew the things I've done or what I've seen... I'm so sorry I'm sorry PLEASE JUST ANSWER MY FUCKING CALLS PLEASE I CAN'T TAKE THIS. It's too late anyways. I'm so far gone. I get that you're busy with all your work and I know you'll be so successful. Maybe I should've listened to you more when you told me to open up to you or when you told me to get out and meet new people instead of locking myself away. Now all I am is this fucking disgrace I don't even want to start. I love you. I always will but fuck I just can't do this anymore. I'm sorry and I know you won't like this but it's time. I have to do this.

Thoughts

don't worry, you'll be okay. Some devastation isn't meant to leave us frayed, but more so, sparked, glorified, less afraid and more prepared than ever for what is to be. What will become of me? That doesn't matter. What matters is you, beautiful, gorgeous, powerful you. The you that views the earth and moves mountains across the globe. The you that strobes gallantly; and oh if you only knew the extent to which you are. Not to what you are, but that you by purely existing make this world a better place. If I could only face the world the way you do maybe I would be right alongside you, or maybe we would both be standing somewhere far less eerie. Regardless I dearly say to you I promise from the bottom of my soul that all in time will come to be whole, and all which is dark will brighten to no end. My friend, I love you. If I ever had the strength to tell you how much I mean that the clouds may not rain so close above us. If I could only express how I ache day to day the stars would not shine to separate us but lust is not love, and love I have not learned. Or maybe I have. Maybe I grab at these opportunities, smashing away at my sanity trying to escape more than the things you don't see. Maybe if I could be stronger I could tell you just everything that I've come to be, both in past, present and what I'd ever hoped to become. Alas, I am here now, standing on the edge; furthermore I must make a choice, for myself or for you. For the world or for my own selfish gratitude. To be honest I'm not sure if happiness is part of my attitude. You used to see it so much but that's just another reason I have to do this. I want you to be in utter bliss. Goodbye, to those beautiful eyes I'll forever miss. I know you'll be angry. I know you'll be disappointed and god forbid I ever were to mess this up I know our relationship would ever be disjointed so for that I can only make a final choice one or the other. With the care of a mother I will always be watching you. I promise. Be free

Return To The Underworld

So you think you see it all. By now it's been years and I've been gone so long you probably have forgotten. It didn't take long for me to fall but I didn't realize how much worse it would get not handling the things right in front of me and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything but forget that all for a second. Look at where you are now. Aren't you happy you made it here? What fear do you have to tackle? You never felt the wounds that left these scars. You never felt the memories that brought me to be. You only saw a piece of wardrobe in my black attire. A lack of understanding in my social anxiety. Now I think you see a bit more clear things weren't so shallow. If I could shout to the world all the things about my mind that left me to the gallows I would but at second thought I don't think I could ever do that to humanity. You don't want to know me. You don't want to grow what is inside of me. I'm terrifying and only I know the extent of that. I am the product of beings which I could never fathom the existence of. That is one thing, but the timing was something that spawned worse than their greatest roughs. I am hate. I am cold. I am forsaken to something that I wish for you to never behold. You're so perfect in my eyes there is nothing more clear than that; but to face the facts no amount of perfection can ever change me. They say age and experience bring people to better places but this is not true. Things get worse when your mind is poison. Things spread like cancer. Things words can not express take control and all but old lies and shattered ties fade away. All there is, is pain. I couldn't take it. I couldn't make it to the level of which you became. My potential was high but that was on the outside. I don't know where I will reside by now, but please don't fret. This isn't something meant for us to regret. This isn't something meant to second guess or press through your heart. This is my burden to bare, and as scared as I was, I am at peace now. Knowing you're safe from me is all I need for that. No matter what hell I will face here now for eternity nothing could be worse than putting you through what you would've faced if I didn't let go. I know this is hard to see after so long, but bare with me. It isn't the last you'll read, sometime far from now you'll find the final pieces of what I've left for you.

Love always,
Nicole

Faltering As The Bus Goes By

"So by now you're probably living it up. You're happy to see you didn't grow up as tragically as it could've been. I don't mean to tell you this to upset you, if it does but I feel only out of fairness that I must come clean of my thoughts on the situation. Look. You father and I were so close you have no idea. We wanted things to work but time moves day by day and all it led to was the breaking point. I wanted things to last I did but I made so many mistakes. I wish I could've been the beautiful woman I led him to think I was. I wish I could've been there in the ways I promised him I would be. I swore I'd take care of him, I'd do everything for him even though he never wanted to be a stay at home bum. He works so hard you could never imagine. His passion is so strong but over time his passion for me which seemed everlasting came to a close. He realized my secrets one by one and it wasn't pretty. You can't blame him. Please. As angry as I am at him for leaving me he had no choice. He had to move on because well... who am I kidding your father is an asshole. He fucking left me to drown all on my own all it would've taken was more time!!! You're lucky you weren't born or I swear to god he'd have left you too I fucking hate him so much. All I wanted was to live happy with him and now that I've moved to the city with him I have no idea where he even is. I went to a festival three weeks ago and I saw his lying ass running around on acid surrounded by half naked whores some way more than that. I hope he's fucking happy he let it be this way. You weren't born because he'd rather be a fuccboi. God damnit I can't do this. Who am I even talking to you don't exist none of this ever existed. FUCK." 

The leaves blew silently as Andrea walked into the lake weeping still, closing her eyes and picturing the family that could have been. Dagger in hand she pressed it against her heart and dug it through her chest screaming out into the sky. She was found only an hour later but it was too late.

I let you die but you never existed

I've been waiting so long... after all our promises. You can't be gone. I love you more than anything ever could. I swear to god I will feel you. Even if I have to find you myself.

Love always,
Andrea :) <3

One Day I Will Feel You

It's midnight at 6:41am, I know you're here with me. Shut the fuck up about the distance I'm fucking here. I made mistakes but I know you love me... You always will you sorry fuck don't you ever try to run. You're stuck with me :) You'll always be mine I don't care if I was Kelli and now I'm Andrea. Maybe one day you'll find I'm someone else too. I'll always be here. Get ready because your life is about to flip and I'm so ready to be back in your life every day.

Lines That Bind Will Fade In Time

Life, a series, a rolling dilemma of struggle and captivation. Temptation. Explanations and desires. Prepare for the worst. It is here.

emma's dilemma

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