prelude

i met you in maroon

little rivers

"I’ve always believed that love weaves between in the interlectual balance of ourselves. Our human nature is to be understood. See, we validate each others egos. That is a powerful thing... but, it can also be dangerous... You know? To rely so much on another’s perception of our internal patterns. We do everything together. The moments apart feel not so much like years, but time at a stand-still. We are each others Sun. Which is equally as terrifying. The tides are home. It comes and goes. A steady interpellation we grew conditioned to believe was our own.  Now, there’s a vagueness, a drift. Everything is out of focus and falling off the earth altogether. Maybe she was my savior, or maybe I’m just sorry that I couldn’t save her.”

Notes On Interpellation (Interlude)

fell into your flaws
like there was quicksand in your hazel eyes
admired your faults
then was buried beneath tidy goodbyes
swept under a doormat inside a locked room
labeled as vacant, allegedly unused
you closed the curtain to your downsides 
forbidding me from finding the beauty
so i collapsed into vacancy 

the deeper i fell in love
the further i pulled away
blaming you for the distance
but im the one who didn't stay

i'd like to think i was the kind of person you could depend on
loyal and devoted 
but I’m an accidental heartbreaker
an inconvenient lover
saddening souls with innocent intentions
a subconscious reaction to any interaction
i know im as selfish as they come
when it comes to the things that i love
now i stay in this room
and I look around
I look at the ceiling
and I look back down
and I realize I’m a vessel
that I’m constantly searching for love
but the one I love is inside
i’m hiding myself
from me
i am the vacancy that resides
so I fix up the walls
patch up all the wholes
and I use the extra paint 
to write a word upside down on my guitar
and I come home
to me
and I keep that vacancy
and give space for me

Vacancy (Interlude)

Sunk Cost

i dropped a mason jar in the sink this morning
a byproduct of not getting enough sleep
less than four hours this week

i can still feel the shards in my teeth
as i tried to swallow my misdeeds
scraping my sternum, an internal aching
red latex molded to the ceiling 

passing the mirror in red
eyes as close to blood as i’ve ever met

i’ve been picking scabs
ever since i found myself all healed up
i didn’t feel complete
and that felt wrong
so i opened them up
to heal all over again
and they healed 
differently than before

they metastasized to my skin
epidermis showing my true skin
self worth clearer than i'll ever admit

a new road traveled
along my sternum
and now i’m getting used to 
this constant severance
i think i’m creating 
i think i'm creating
i think i'm creating
a body of harm

Body of Harm

underneath their wings

Pull Me Under

deep enough to stay there forever

If You’re Listening (Take Me Home)

your first pack of smokes
the back of my car
red-ring-burn still in the ceiling
i’ve never seen the way 
your hands are shaking
you said you picked up the habit
so your lungs wouldn’t
feel so empty
better to burn alone
i always paint the picture like you’re 
the one who left me
but i’m not the one who was 
burning alive

at sixteen you found 
yourself a new boy
and he was so lucky just to hold you
but one day he took it too far
farther than you wanted
and i told you you should feel 
lucky just to be wanted
i haven’t been the best of friends 
i burrowed the pain deep down 
in my hollow chest 
now i’m trynna crack it open again
now i’m trynna crack it open again

Chorus:
so If you’re listening,
can you help me find my place?
‘cause I don’t know
and If you’re out there,
can you help me weather this storm?
i can’t do it alone
but if you’re listening,
can you help me find my way?
‘cause I wanna go home
so if you’re listening
can you take me home?

my first shot of gin
on your apartment floor
you wanted to keep me safe from the world
but at nineteen i moved to Portland
and found solace in a bottle of liqueur
sometimes I still think of calling you
but I’ve got a new love now
and he calls me by the names 
we gave each other back then
and i think of you every time
all alone in Manhattan
with that boy, 
did you marry him?
i haven’t been the best of friends
i still burrow the pain deep down
in my hollow chest
i’ve been trynna crack it open again
i’m still trynna crack it open 

Chorus:
so If you’re listening,
can you help me find my place?
‘cause I don’t know
and If you’re out there,
can you help me weather this storm?
i can’t do it alone
so if you’re listening,
can you help me find my way?
‘cause I wanna go home
so if you’re listening

Outro: 
if you’re listening
if you’re listening
take me home
if you’re listening
take me home

If You're Listening (Take Me Home)

studying music & sonic arts and releasing mostly anything that comes to mind here. sometimes complete, mostly in fragments. creating a world in tiny vignettes ✨

Nova

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