Honor learns money can't buy everything as Ross and Sorcha purge their friend lists

‘We’re not a priority for the vaccine.’ ‘Even though we’re rich?’

Ross collects his unrepentant anti-lockdown dad from Mountjoy.

‘Get in before they change their minds and haul your orse back to jail’

Ross is pressured into chopping off Christian’s top knot in the name of ‘rugby banter’

‘Rugby banter is taking a dump in someone’s shoes’

Sorcha and her ‘symptoms’ want me to tag along for her PCR test

‘I want you to, like, Insta-story my Covid test journey’

Toni Loscher next door is power-washing the wooden patio again.

‘His wife moves the cursor on his work laptop every five minutes, so it doesn’t go into sleep mode’

There’s goys from Michael’s, Belvedere, Gonzaga and Blackrock all mixing with each other like there’s no actual difference between them

'It’s off to Budapest for Dr Holger Esterházy’s miracle hair restoration treatment'

Fionn’s changed since he landed the top job at our old alma mater

"You mean there’s going to be, like, girls going to Castlerock?"

How can Ross convince the goys that Castlerock should never let in girls?

‘A co-educational school has never won the Leinster Schools Senior Cup!’

Charles O’Carroll-Kelly goes on Drivetime to talk about Castlerock College going co-ed

‘Girls learn differently to boys – and when I say differently, I mean slowly and not as well’

‘Most of them are empty and there’s, like, a homelessness crisis? I’m going to put six rooms’

‘Fifteen rooms is a lot to put down.’ Ross O’Carroll-Kelly and family fill out their census form

"I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve been dreading this week since Christmas. 
 
And not dreading it in the same way that you dread, I don’t know, root canal surgery, or an NCT. 
 
I mean dreading it like you dread your own death, if that’s not putting it too strongly?"

‘I will never forgive your old pair for treating us to this trip’

Ross is isolating at home while Sorcha is on the family holiday from hell in Disney World.

‘My antigen is still positive, but I’ve never felt better’

So it’s, like, Day Whatever-it-is and my period of isolation is finally over. I’m about to ring the goys to see if anyone fancies hitting The Bridge for a few bank holiday scoops when all of a sudden my phone rings and it ends up being dick features himself.

Women’s toilets? I mean, what’s next? A hockey pitch?

The Vico Road Residents’ Association are up in arms over a council decision to allow new homes to be built.

‘There are millions of people who would give their right orm to live in Killiney’

Seeking revenge against the Vico Road Residents Association, Sorcha asks her orchitacht friend to help

‘We want to build a block of aportments... affordable ones’

Ross O'Carroll Kelly: ‘I see one placard at the next auction and the doggy gets it. Cah-peesh?’

‘His dog just bit me,’ Honor goes. ‘Get up off your knees. We’re going to the Gords’

‘The turkey shuffles into the room and jumps onto the sofa beside me’

Some quick thinking is required of Ross to bail Ronan out of trouble – again

‘You drove to LA to hear a man from Crumlin swearing? You should have just gone to Crumlin’

The first of four exclusive excerpts from 'Operation Trumpsformation', the seventeenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series.

Operation Trumpsformation: The Old Man's Vision for A New Ireland

The second of four exclusive excerpts from 'Operation Trumpsformation', the seventeenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series.

Operation Trumpsformation: Honor, The True Heir to The O'Carroll-Kelly Rugby Name

The third of four exclusive excerpts from 'Operation Trumpsformation', the seventeenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series.

Operation Trumpsformation: Micheál Mortin Calls The Old Man's Attitude Cavalier & Irresponsible

There has to be a consequence for ruining Sorcha’s royal wedding porty, hasn’t there?

‘If she’s never met a brat like Honor before, she mustn’t be from around here’

It’s portly my responsibility to deal with the triplets’ swearing

‘I suddenly feel like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society’

I’ve joined the WhatsApp group the moms set up, and it is intense...

‘I had no idea how difficult being a Mount Anville mom was going to be’

What would Johnny Sexton do when confronted with plotting a way through Dublin’s no-go areas?

'There’s a girl who works in the Bailey. And before you say anything,we were on a break at the time'

"Peter Casey has out-Charles-O’Carroll-Kellyed Charles O’Carroll-Kelly" says the old man.

‘Just because people are vulnerable doesn’t mean they’re not taking the piss’

Neighbourly gestures are one thing, but a hostage exchange is quite another.

‘We’re not going to eat the banana bread. We’re going to give it to the neighbours’

The old pair are a bad influence on Honor so the plan was to move them out...

‘I wouldn’t expect an animal to live in that place. And, besides, it’s rented out at the moment’

Sounds like Sorcha’s old dear is driving the old man cuckoo in their Brittas Bay love nest

‘Ross,’ the old man goes, ‘I’m afraid I’ve made a dreadful mistake!’

I throw back the duvet, hop out of bed and step into my chinos, all in one fluid movement

‘Johnny actual Sexton is at the front door’

I’m not 100% keen on Honor driving, mainly because she’s 14, has no licence, tax or insurance

‘You can’t end a relationship with someone by climbing out the window’

‘It’s like The West Wing when Jed Bortlet had to step down and John Goodman became president’

‘Honor was walking around with the blond wig and Make America Great Again sweatshirt’

Storting Christmas early could be good for our mental health...

The kitchen smells of rum. Either my old dear is over or Sorcha’s baking a Christmas cake

Ronan is making a mint from black market Mass tickets until three wise men arrive

‘How much moo are we talking – for, like, midnight Mass in, say, Foxrock?’

No booze, swearing or sweets – Sorcha has new year’s resolutions for all the family

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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