it's been such a long time, I almost thought I really forgot how to write a song.

truth is I've been writing songs, and hating them almost all, thinking "I can't make a comeback after months with this crap", but then I realized I was being too hard on myself. when I submitted the first song, it wasn't the greatest one but still I did it. so here it is, not the best song, but I gotta start somewhere, right? this song is about these last few months dealing with my anxiety and thinking "it all would be so much easier if I was just a child"

artwork by my amazing friend Ayelen Molina 💕

if you made it this far, you deserve at least some lyrics:

I think the clock is turning the other way
and a car has flipped around on the highway,
so I'll light up another candle for you.
Cause I'm a child in my own silly way,
the panic of losing you never decays.
And I get waken by the sirens,
cause they never need any silence
like I do.

How would I grow old without you, my friend?
I'd refuse to let go in the end.
How would I ever know how to be amused?
You never needed silence, like I do.

Children playing across the street,
why do I feel such jealousy?
I never asked to be this damaged and neither did you.
But life goes on, even against your will
and tears will pile up like water bills.
And getting up from bed in the mornings
sounds like casting a warning,
but it's up to you.

How would I grow old without you, my friend?
I'd refuse to let go in the end.
How would I ever learn how to lose?
You never needed to give in, like I do.

And I draw a day of my life in my head
thinking if maybe this time I can pretend
I don't shatter to pieces when I hear your name...
But I get waken by the sirens
cause they never need any silence,
like I do. 

water bills

Wanna write about your blue eyes
that shine like sea fireflies,
but like them, I'm not sure they exist
cause I can't - look - straight - at you.
Tongue tied and falling fast,
faster than I thought this moment would last.
Wanna write about your tattoos,
but then I realized I had no clue.

Maybe this is what love looks like,
an awkward sorry and a painful goodbye.

Oh you're so cool, it makes me feel brand new.
I hope I'm special to you and I'm not just another fool
that falls into you, I hope that I'm not just a see through
cause I'm feeling brand new.

Wanna write about your smile,
it gets me all the damn time.
It will never go out of style
the way your glasses rest on your face.
Tongue tied, I scream and shout,
I'm running out of reasons to go out
and casually see you on my way...

Maybe this is what love looks like,
a constant longing and a hopeful goodbye.

Oh you're so cool, it makes me feel brand new.
I hope I'm special to you and I'm not just another fool
that falls into you, I hope that I'm not just a see through
cause I'm feeling brand new.

And they say hope is the last thing to lose,
and they say hope is the last thing to lose...

Wanna write about you
and all the things you do,
but then I realized I had no clue...

Maybe this is what love looks like,
an insane worshipping leading to goodbye.

Oh you're so cool, it makes me feel brand new.
I hope I'm special to you and I'm not just another fool
that falls into you, I hope that I'm not just a see through
cause I'm feeling brand new.

brand new

Riding back home thinking
this is as good as it can get.
The feeling right in front of my eyes,
I just couldn't point at it yet.

Digging our feet on the sand,
we made this place our homeland.
I could've died happy right there
cause you were holding my hand.

But now those moments belong to her.

I want what she has, what used to be mine,
holding you tight like she does.
I want to be yours, knocking on your door
instead of crying on the floor cause you're not here anymore.

Overcooking cakes in the kitchen,
days were bright and they glistened.
You tried to be good at everything,
I'd snap like a broken string.

Drinking beer with your friends,
though I never cared about them.
I'd sacrifice my whole day...

But now you're happy because of her.

I want what she has, what used to be mine,
holding you tight like she does.
I want to be yours, the voice on your phone
instead of feeling all alone cause now you're gone.

Like a ghost from the Nineteenth Century,
I see your face on the subway sitting next to me.
You buried my heart while it was still beating,
now I have to move on but I can't believe it.

I want what she has, what used to be mine,
saying "I love you" like she does.
I want to be yours, not another missing call,
not the tears on the floor, not anymore.

what she has

Dressed like a rebel,
I'm counting all the freckles 
of your face so I don't gaze as you speak.
Trying not to tremble,
I might seem mental,
holding me back could make me crack but I better resist.

I wanna picture you as a monster
but I'd be slaughtering your honor...

You are such an angel,
it's pissing off the devil
like "how could you be so sweet?"
You are so special,
it makes me feel terrible
like "how can I be so mean
to an angel like this?"

Da da da da... Da da da da... Da da da da...
how can I be like this?

With eyes like heaven,
I say a little prayer
when you roll down your seat and I feel your skin right next to me.
I feel disrespectful,
a little bit resentful, damn you're so beautiful
and all I keep saying to myself is "leave".

I wanna picture you as a monster
but I'd be slaughtering your honor...

You are such an angel,
it's pissing off the devil
like "how could you be so sweet?"
You are so special,
it makes me feel terrible
like "how can I be so mean
to an angel like this?"

Da da da da... Da da da da... Da da da da...
how can I be like this?

I grab my keys and claim that it's too late
and you look so confused cause you swore that I'd stay.
But I'd give all of me if you asked for it,
and that's why I'm afraid.

You are so special, it makes me feel terrible
like "how can I be so mean?"...

You are such an angel,
it's pissing off the devil
like "how could you be so sweet?"
You are so special,
it makes me feel terrible
like "how can I be so mean
to an angel like this?"

Da da da da... Da da da da... Da da da da...
how can I be like this?


angel

You're not the spoon of sugar type
and you get jealous when I cry
cause you wish that you could.
And I know that you love being right,
but I'm a master of disguise
so you'll never fully know what I'm like.

But I'm the type that will trust you blindly at the first try,
throw me your worst temper and I'll bat it off to the sky.

I could destroy a thousand badly parked cars
if they're getting in your way, honey.
Just so you know, this thing that you call bad luck
has brought me to you today.

I'm not the meet your parents type,
I'm sure your mother hates my guts
but you hate hers too, so I just laugh
out loud. And I think I haven't felt like this,
went from the worst straight to the best,
not in a million years I would've guessed.

And I don't know if it'll work anymore
pretending it doesn't hurt when I'm gone.

I could destroy a thousand badly parked cars
if they're getting in your way, honey.
Just so you know, this thing that you call bad luck
has brought me to you today.

Just so you know,
I'm not planning to go anywhere
without you.
Just so you know, 
I'm not planning to anywhere...

badly parked cars

lyrics:

pretty boy, the heart of downtown,
walked all over my deepest schemes.
your mouth, drives me east by south,
I'd recognize it even in a dream...

and now this city is stained by you,
can't shake the feeling you're in all I do.
and now every minute is frozen like a statue,
I get the feeling life's not life without you.

like a wave, it took more than it gave,
still I smiled complacently.
should've tried to change my own mind,
still fall for you eventually.

and now this city is stained by you,
can't shake the feeling you're everywhere I look.
and now every minute goes by with a touch of blue,
I get the feeling life's not life without you.

and I know they're lying when the say
we only dream in shades of grey
cause I saw your eyes even clearer
than the back of my hand.
I wish it wouldn't have to be this way.

and now this city is stained by you,
do you still remember me the same way I do?
and now every minute is frozen like a statue,
I get the feeling life's not life without you.

and I know they're lying when the say
we only dream in shades of grey
cause I saw your eyes even clearer
than the back of my hand.
I wish it wouldn't have to be this way.
and I know they're lying when the say
we only dream in shades of grey
cause I saw your eyes even clearer
than the back of my hand...

I'd recognize it even in a dream.

in a dream

lyrics: 

riding back home, falling headfirst,
no helmet.
I think I thought about your red hair
till I felt it
coming my way like a 4 p.m sugar rush.
babe, you're my unexpected royal flush.

and I get that you're only pulling my strings
till he finally realizes the kind of woman he's missing.
but it's fine by me, I'm ok with my heart on your shelf...
maybe if I say it with conviction I'll believe it myself.

but I'm an animal of habit,
loving you's automatic.
a rebel with a leather jacket,
you got yourself a new fanatic.

one very long damn night, two hospital beds.
crossing my arms on my chest, spinning 'round my head.
since when your smile started to look so fine?
I knew I fucked up when I couldn't even blame it on the wine.

but I'm an animal of habit,
loving you's automatic.
a rebel with a leather jacket,
you got yourself a new fanatic.

walking down the hallways, making up an excuse
to run to you the minute I feel like it to.
you make me feel like a kid tryin' to get a tattoo,
makes my heart start beating like it's brand new.

(and I'm not giving up)

an old friend with a leather jacket,
you got yourself a new fanatic.

fanatic

lyrics:

i hope that your medicine tastes good for you,
i've been swallowing it for months, now i'm finally through.
and i wish that your violets turn into blue,
maybe then you'll see the way that i've been screwed.

i hope that you're wide awake and without a clue,
feeling as miserable as I used to feel too.
and i wish my touch still hurts like a tattoo,
maybe then I'll believe what we once had was true.

held onto something that 
never had finish line,
what a shame now I have to try hard.

you make me feel like I can't wait to sing those heartbreak songs and think of you.
and you should know by the way I bleed
there's more than one fool in this room.
you make me feel like a burning sting,
gets deeper when it comes to you,
so sad that you can't feel it too.

i really hope my name haunts you in your sleep
and wake up sweating cursing the way I sing.
i bet you thought I was just a summer fling,
but I stayed through the seasons just to watch you leave.

held onto something that 
could never kickstart,
what a shame now I have to try hard.

you make me feel like I can't wait to sing those heartbreak songs and think of you.
and you should know by the way I bleed
there's more than one fool in this room,
so sad that you can't feel it...

so here's your detour, 
you thought you had me secured...
the awful way that I bleed,
baby there's no more...

you make me feel like I can't wait to sing those heartbreak songs and think of you.

and you should know by the way I bleed
there's more than one fool in this room.
you make me feel like a burning sting,
gets deeper when it comes to you,
so sad that you can't feel it...

you make me feel like I can't wait to sing those heartbreak songs and think of you.
and you should know by the way I bleed
there's more than one fool in this room.
you make me feel like a burning sting,
gets deeper when it comes to you,
so sad that you can't feel it too.

those heartbreak songs

it's good to be back <3 
uhm happy Valentine's day, I guess?

artwork by Cecilia ❤️

lyrics:

Of all the forms you could disappear,
I'd never thought this would be the one to,
like a heart attack.
And now the victim has to cry,
oh how pathetic, cause I resent it
more than I want it back.

You put the bitterness in where I thought
I would find happiness, oh isn't it a shame?

Don't you think it's a vile lesson
to make a woman fall?
A vile lesson...
A vile lesson to make a woman fall in love
just to let her go.

Now all the years will pass me by
and all strangers become revengers
of a broken heart.
My skin got thickened in the way,
it feels like trauma, but it's melodrama
built not to fall apart.

Cause you put the bitterness in where I thought
I would find happiness, and I hate you so bad for it.

Don't you think it's a vile lesson
to make a woman fall?
A vile lesson...
A vile lesson to make a woman fall in love
just to let her go.

(a vile lesson, why did you make me fall?)

And it's a low when all my friends they know
the time and date you kissed my lips,
while all you ever cared is that nothing had changed.
And I feel so sad and broken and empty
like the bottle that you drank last week
to make you feel better, so tell me... did it?

You put the bitterness in where I thought
I would find happiness, and I hope it hurts you like hell.

Don't you think it's a vile lesson...
A vile lesson to make a woman fall.
A vile lesson to make a woman fall in love...

Don't you think it's a vile lesson
to make a woman fall?
A vile lesson...
A vile lesson to make a woman fall in love
just to let her go.

A vile lesson to make a woman fall,
a vile lesson to make a woman fall,
a vile lesson to make a woman fall in love...
just to let her go.

Vile Lesson

welcome to another episode of writing songs inspired by Turkish soap operas.

lyrics:

I was standing there with my
hopes up, just a little girl who got
let down, a tear-stained dress on the bed.
And I hoped that you'll never get the nerve to
come back, play the victim card
oh my god, I never had the patience for it.

save it for when you cried as much
as I did when you walked away

did you live your damn "best life" yet, babe?
did you travel 'round the world then back the globe again?
did you find the woman who broke your heart and left you stranded on my doorstep?
well then, what a life, babe.
What a life, babe.

You were the highest bet of my night,
didn't notice I lost the round
till the guards dragged me out through the floor.
Now I'm stuck in a crowd of "I told you so",
nothing helps when I'm alone,
guess that's what I get for wanting more.

don't you dare come passing by
and act like nothing has changed.

did you live your damn "best life" yet, babe?
did you travel 'round the world then back the globe again?
did you find the woman who broke your heart and left you stranded on my doorstep?
well then, what a life, babe.
What a life, babe.

I guess you were walking down the street,
your hand on hers but you thought of me.
Cause that's the place where we used to meet, 
you loved the food and spilled soda on me.
We laughed till we cried and we fell asleep,
in the middle of winter you were warm with me.
But she won't laugh or speak like me,
and you're sorry but baby...

did you live your damn "best life" yet, babe?
did you travel 'round the world then back the globe again?
did you find the woman who broke your heart and left you stranded on my doorstep?
well then, what a life, babe.
What a life, babe.

best life

this week I realized I haven't written a song in almost a whole month. I haven't even played my guitar. the reason is I finally got a full time job, and even though I'm pretty happy with it, I just couldn't believe how far I was getting from being Paula the songwriter. I remember listening to my old songs and thinking there is NO WAY I can write like this ever again.  yes, the same old songwriter crisis.
it's been a huge change in my life waking up at 5 am, going to work, then coming back home and just lay in bed because I'm just tired all the time. there was very little to none room for inspiration whatsoever (I think I wrote down only two song ideas in that whole month). I couldn't believe something I used to do so naturally like writing songs it just wasn't happening at all for a long time.
so, for the first time I wrote a song about it. I was really scared I forgot how to do this, but turns out it still feels as easy as breathe ❤️

artwork by Paula Varela (picture taken at Ferroclub Escalada, Buenos Aires AR).

lyrics: 

there was a time no one believed
what we once had it could be real,
it all came down to just you and me.
I held on tight till I was released,
all of the sudden like the snap of a string,
out of tune and out of reach.
it all went down, like you and me.

what if I still have something to say?
what if I still have words on the way?
will I remember what it feels like?
will I remember what I have to do
to make it right? what's lying underneath.
just give me a try, an ugly reason to
pick up a fight, and make it all about you and I, twist it up like it wasn't just
easy as... breathe.

there was a time I was the king,
a crown too heavy for me to lift
when most of the time I felt like a creep.
but you learn how to cope when you learn to deceive,
and smile with your teeth just to fight back the tears,
it comes out naturally after these years.
but I want it back, like you and me.

what if I still have something to say?
what if I still have words on the way?
will I remember what it feels like?
will I remember what I have to do
to make it right? what's lying underneath.
just give me a try, an ugly reason to
pick up a fight, and make it all about you and I, twist it up like it wasn't just
easy as... breathe.

will I remember what I have to do to make it right? 
when I go home and I turn off the lights 
and all I can think is "just sleep tight", 
my world got so mundane and I would die to just... breathe.

there was a time (breathe)

27. and now this city is stained by you. ✨💜
Currently writing a song every week on www.songaweek.org

Paula Varela

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