Over the years I've written many songs that are not love songs, or not exactly love songs, and this is a collection of eleven of them. They are about day jobs and unemployment and art and money and envy and yearning and depression and family and old age and loss - and sex. All the nasty, cruel, lovely things.

Some of the tracks are referred to in the latest installment of my memoir of my musical journey, found online in Medium, at medium.com/@jmkearns/part-3-of-my-50-year-meteoric-rise-as-a-songwriter-san-francisco-8a264cb564db . The cover photo is from 1986 in my rented house in San Francisco -- the story behind it is told in the Medium article and the camcorder footage it comes from is explained under song 4, which has a video at https://jmkearns.bandcamp.com/track/the-end-of-the-world .

Friends, if you wish to support my music by buying a song or the whole album, please visit https://jmkearns.bandcamp.com/album/songs-of-surviving-in-the-city-vol-1  Thank you!

Songs of Surviving in the City, Vol. 1

TRACK NOTES
We're all embedded reporters now. 

CREDITS
M.Q. Murphy - electric lead guitar and harmonies
Andy Vernon - drums
Kearns - the rest.

LYRICS
It’s another hot day, another in a hot, hot month
I had to close my shade, to shut out the burning sun
My AC unit rattles like a snake in the grass
And we blew it baby, we blew it really bad.

The fires are racing, making the firemen run
From the northern forest down to the Amazon
There ain’t much water pushin’ on the Hoover Dam
’Cause we blew it baby, we blew it, thank you ma’am.

GUITAR SOLO

The ocean is rising, risin’ at a scary rate
But they keep on buyin’ coastline real estate
If you live on a boat, you’re one of the lucky few
’Cause we blew it baby, and that’s the inconvenient truth.

I’d leave today, but there’s no place cool to find
Unless my old Tempo could travel back in time
Back when the mountains gathered up the winter snow
But we blew it baby, we blew it long ago.

GUITAR SOLO

My tires are bare, from rolling on the red-hot road
My hood is smokin’, the traffic is gridlock-slow
All we wanted was to keep everything we had
And we blew it baby, we blew it really bad
Yeah we blew it, we blew it really bad.

We Blew It Baby

TRACK NOTES
Wrote most of this in my car in 1998, while driving down Lebanon Road in Nashville. Melody too. Never recorded it till 2023.

CREDITS
Kearns: guitar-vocal plus harmonica

LYRICS
I might have been worth saving
When I was a child
I truly did believe you turned
The water into wine;
I’d celebrate your birthday
With carols by the tree
And ask you for forgiveness
Each night before I’d sleep

But then I got much older
And went away to school
And stayed up all night talking to
Philosophers and fools,
They told me that religion
Is just another drug,
I found my own addictions
And left you in my dust

CHORUS:
They say that a good shepherd
Will search both high and low
Trying to find that one sheep
That lost the way back home;
But Lord, I turned away from you
Intentionally --
Jesus, why are you still
Following me?

An angel offered me a child
Right here on the planet Earth,
It might have been like Christmastime
Without a virgin birth,
And Lord I had a hundred thoughts
That I can’t share with you
And I denied my love for her
And then I left her too.

INSTRUMENTAL

I saw you in the parking lot
Out by the liquor store
When I went there tonight, to buy
Just one bottle more
Then later through the hotel window
The wind was moanin’ low
You watched me pay that woman
When it was time to go

CHORUS

Jesus Why

TRACK NOTES
Sometimes you wake up in November with a hangover and you go over to your typewriter and a whole lyric comes as fast as you can type it. Then later, you get out your guitar and find the melody.

CREDITS
Kathy Burkly - percussion
Mark Robinson - lead electric guitar
Kenny Owens - bass
Debra Donahue - harmony vocal & photo
Kearns - acoustic guitar, vocal

LYRICS
Autumn leaves are all around me
From the trees so bare and grey
And I’ve been runnin’ from winter’s comin’
Tryin’ to make my getaway
I’ve been runnin’ to the bottle
To the smoke of that old weed
I’ve been hiding in the darkness
Too many mornings I have not seen

In the night I hear the voices
Of my doubts and my fears
And I see the ghostly faces
Of the souls who disappeared
If I could, you know I’d fall down
To my knees, and I would say
“Help me God, I once believed in”
But I can’t pretend to pray

All I want is to carry
Just one burden to the end
All I want is not to bury
Not to waste what I have left

I can’t always quite remember
And I can’t run with my old speed
But I can see a world of wonders
Sailing slowly away from me
I can still taste pure water
I can laugh and I can cry
And I can sing a song of summer
And I might fail, but I can try

And all I want is to carry
Just one burden to the end
All I want is not to bury
Not to waste what I have left
Not to waste what I have left

What I Have Left

TRACK NOTES
Imagining a narrative of events in the past, with a twist.

CREDITS
Kearns guitar-vocal in 2023

LYRICS
I watched the scenes of tension escalate:
He’d grow silent and you'd ask him to explain
And just before you saw your mistake
His words would make your tears flow again

And when he’d finally made you lose your faith
He felt sorry and he acted like a friend
He made you laugh and drove your tears away
And so the whole thing started up again

And I never wanted to be him
Even though you loved him like you did
I never wanted to be him
’Cause he kept way too many feelings hid.
You asked him why you had to cry
And he said “just because”,
And I never wanted to be him
But I was.

He never saw your heart was true and brave
He only saw your insecurity
But if he’d owned up to the fears that held him slave
I think it might have set your two hearts free

And I never wanted to be him
I can say that now for sure
I never wanted to be him
And tread upon on a heart like yours.
I asked him why you had to cry
And he said “just because”,
And I never wanted to be him
But I was, oh I was,
I never wanted to be him
But I was.

I Never Wanted To Be Him

TRACK NOTES
I was on my couch in Nashville (around 2008, when my world was falling apart) and the idea came into my head, of a warrior at dusk, getting ready to go into battle the next morning. And his north star is a certain woman, and in the song he bares his soul to her.

CREDITS
Kearns guitar-vocal in 2023

LYRICS
In your eyes
I see the reason I will fight
In your eyes
Against the armies of the night
It doesn't matter if I win or lose
When the blood begins to run
All that matters is the standard that I choose
And the early morning sun

In your eyes
All the pleasures that I missed
In your eyes
All the girls I've never kissed
I’ve got to cast off every line I ever sold
They won’t do no good with you
There’s still one story I never, ever told
There’s still a chance to tell it true

In your eyes
[instrumental]

Smoke is rising and the wine is being poured
As the river runs below
I wanna hold you till the stars can’t sing no more
I wanna hold on to the soul

In your eyes
I see the promise that I made
In your eyes
All my failures seem to fade
In your eyes
Stands a man who’s not afraid


In Your Eyes

TRACK NOTES
I've always loved old-time country music, and bluegrass, and allegorical tales, not to mention songs about trains (starting with Elvis' "Mystery Train) and movies about trains (North by Northwest killed me), so when this title occurred to me around 1988, the song wrote itself.

CREDITS
Just a live Kearns guitar-vocal, recorded in 2023.

LYRICS
On the platform
I was waiting for my train patiently
When a woman
She walked up and stood right next to me
And I wondered what her story might be

Then she said,
“I’ve taken some trips down this line,
But they ended
At the station of Lonesome Goodbyes
Do you think I’ll be goin there this time?”
And I said:

Not on this train, you can’t get there on this train
It won’t take you to loneliness and pain,
From the start I will try to explain:
No broken hearts, not on this train

Then the woman
Said “I don’t want to be left behind,
But I’m scared that sadness is all I will find”,
So I smiled as it rolled into sight:

Not on this train, you can’t get there on this train
It won’t take you to loneliness and pain,
Get on board, and I’ll tell you again:
No broken hearts, not on this train.

We got on, and we saw very plain:
Quite a few were stranded in the rain
And then I said, as that old whistle blew
You can’t get on board if your heart is untrue...

Not on this train, you can’t get there on this train
It won’t take you to loneliness and pain,
May I say, it’s not hard to explain:
No broken hearts, not on this train
No broken hearts,
Not on this train


Not On This Train

TRACK NOTES
I lived in Nashville, chasing the songwriting dream for 13 years with a bunch of mad friends also not from there. I got a few of my songs cut by independent artists. I watched the most talented writers I knew not have any success, because their amazing songs didn't fit the stiff, phony formula wanted by the so-called "country" music at the end of the century, or its politics. This song isn't about me, but it's a true story, adapted for fiction, and it was damn fun to write and record.

CREDITS
Kathy Burkly: drums
Kenny Owens: bass
Mark Robinson: lead electric guitar
Kearns: vocal and acoustic guitar

LYRICS
when David came to town
his trunk was full of songs
songs about goodbyes and Southern Belles
but not about Michelle

she had come before
to open up the door
and find a home where David’s dreams could grow
not far from Music Row

and you might dodge the blues
but this town will reach you,
if you don’t know how to lose
Nashville will teach you

he walked into a club
and saw a famous man
singin’ with a whiskey in his hand
in front of all his fans

and when that man was through
he smiled and walked into
the arms of Michelle beside the bar
and they were like two shooting stars…

and you might dodge the blues
but this town will reach you,
if you don’t know how to lose
Nashville will teach you

now David’s greatest song
said goodbye to Michelle
but the boys on Music Row said “That won’t sell”
- like they can always tell

Michelle greets the dawn
with all her make-up on
and a trace of cocaine between the lines
some writer left behind…

and you might dodge the blues
but this town will reach you,
if you don’t know how to lose
Nashville will teach you


Nashville Will Teach You

TRACK NOTES
This song came out of nowhere at the kitchen table in my house in Nashville. The first three chords somehow suggested a whole narrative about an elusive waitress with a Philosophy of Coffee, and that brought a melody, and hey, I just tried to cling onto the guitar as it hurtled down the road of the story.

CREDITS
This has Bob Hatter on lead electric guitar. Some other studio cats play on it. Oh, and I'm singing it and playing acoustic.

LYRICS
On a highway near Modesto
I stopped to rest my eyes
And the waitress wore a short dress blue as prairie skies,
She said “How far are you going?”
With a smile upon that face,
I said “I’m headin’ out to Kansas, I’ve got a little place”

(And she said:)
I could stay right here forever
But it might get pretty old
And I’ve always thought it’s better to go
Before the coffee gets too cold

My trailer looked down on the river
But she said it was too small
So I built a fine log cabin as leaves began to fall;
But that next springtime seemed to hit her
Like a thorn in her side
And she said: Baby, won’t you take me for a long vacation ride…

We could stay right here forever
But it might get pretty old
So I guess we'd better be on our way
Before the coffee gets too cold

So with the rest of my money
I took her for a spin
And her eyes were like the bluebells along the mountain rim
We made a stop to get a coffee
And I went to wash my hands
So I never heard her say it, to some other man:

(Hey baby…)
We could stay right here forever
But it might get pretty old
So I guess we'd better be on our way
Before the coffee gets too cold

Before The Coffee Gets Too Cold

TRACK NOTES
Strangely enough given the title, the verse melody of this song came to me in a dream, in which I was watching a stranger play it on a guitar. I woke up and found the words (and the chorus) in a day or so, starting with the very first line. It's about a couple's journey. Thanks to Irish artist Martin Gale for his kind permission to use an image of his painting "Couple".

CREDITS
Debra Donahue - harmony vocal
J.M. Kearns - lead vocal and guitars, harmonica
Thanks to Irish artist Martin Gale for his kind permission to use an image of his painting "Couple".

LYRICS
I will stay when the weather is warm
And drink to your health, far from the storm
In the sun, we’ll dance really slow
And sit on the cliff where the green river rolls

CHORUS:
But don’t ever dream
You will find
Me walking away
When life is unkind
Don’t ever dream
You will see
Me turning my back
When you’re down on your knees

If you find a mouse in your bed
I’ll go for a ride, and free it instead
When the cold and the wind and the rain
Are shaking the house, and you are in pain

CHORUS
Instrumental

I will stay when life is a bore
And I’m much too old to laugh anymore,
When the light is starting to fade
You’ll sing me a song ’bout that plan that we made:

I will stay when the mist on the lake
Is lifting at dawn and there’s coffee to make
We will sail in a crimson canoe,
Away from the world, and bid it adieu
Away from the world, and bid… it… adieu.



Dont Ever Dream

I had this lyric for a long time, with no melody. So I asked my friend Jim Counter to try writing music for it, in Nashville in about 2005. He came back in about a week with this great melody and chords, and on the recording, it's him playing guitar and me singing it, live in my home studio. I love that in his framing of the song, what I assumed was the last verse ("If you find a lover who has vowed to stay...") gets sung to the melody of the chorus. I never would have thought of that.

CREDITS
vocal: J.M. Kearns
guitar: Jim Counter

LYRICS
When you’ve set the table for a long lost friend
Who called to say that no one else would do
When the candles burn down to the bitter end
With just an empty chair across from you

Somewhere in the night when it’s much too late
For even little dreams to come true
When you hear a soft tapping on your windowpane
That’s when you’ll get a visit from the blues

He’ll walk up to your door and he’ll let himself in
And then he’ll run his fingers through your hair
He’ll take you in his arms and babe it’s such a sin
’Cause he’s colder than your foolish heart can bear

So somewhere in the night when it’s much too late
For even little dreams to come true
When you hear a soft tapping on your windowpane
That’s when you’ll get a visit from the blues

He’ll wrap you in his cloak and he’ll say “There, there,
Don’t think nobody wants you anymore
’Cause I’ll be here to help you with your dark despair
As long as you’ve got whiskey left to pour…”

So if you find a lover who has vowed to stay
An offer much too perfect to refuse
Be careful if their eyes should ever look away
That’s when you’ll get a visit from the blues

Visit From The Blues

This is the first song I ever wrote that had my own stamp on it. It came to me in 1972, at the end of a canoe trip. I never had a good recording of it, so I did this one in March 2024.

LYRIC:
I made my move, it was too late
Don’t cry for me when I’m gone away at all

I’m a stranger to you and you are to me
It’s not a thing that I’m glad to see
There’s no room left where we used to be
We’ve got no room at all

Just walk away in the sun
He’s waiting there like anyone at all
Would wait
For you

I think I’ll go
A mile or two
And lay me down in the lake so blue
The sun will find my seaweed mind
And you can ride me again
You can ride me again

writer: J.M. Kearns
guitar, vocal, harmonica: J.M. Kearns

Seaweed Mind

Another track from the nearly-a-rock-band of me and Steve Conrad in Echo Park in about 1981. Song written and sung by me; the lunatic arrangement is by both of us, electric lead by Steve. I think Steve may have started to believe I had maybe a little musical talent, when I came up with the main riff for the bass guitar part - which he then played!

Stay Away From Coffee

This song is a tribute to a woman who had more guts and integrity in a corporate environment than the singer did, as he got seduced into trying to be a proper bureaucrat and she insisted on being herself at any cost. The song tells the story of how she got fired and he didn't.

Kearns says: "I had a beaten-up old upright piano in my kitchen in my rented house in Pasadena, and I came up with this strangely frenetic arrangement on that piano. Then I added a spooky keyboard line from my trusty Juno 106 synth... and so on. I think I was channeling Harry Chapin in this song."

- instruments and vocal: J.M. Kearns
- song by J.M. Kearns

LYRIC:
She walked into my office at 4 pm
I still remember the look on her face
She said, “I’ve been fired on account of the dress code,
I guess I’ll have to find work in some other place.”

We rode forty floors down on the elevator
I said “I’ll be sorry to see you go”
She said “It’s you, you should be worried about”
And left me standing like a bureaucrat in the snow

CHORUS:
She didn’t look hurt like she should be
Just kind of sad and kind of free
Like she always knew she’d have to go
And leave me standing like a bureaucrat in the snow

I watched her red socks move along the sidewalk
And a tight yellow top right down to her thigh
Her black silk pants nearly reached to her ankles
I walked back in the building and straightened my tie.

CHORUS

Bureaucrat In The Snow

I wrote this in Toronto around 1976, heavily influenced by Dylan, especially Blood on the Tracks. But it was my attempt to capture some of the culture I'd been part of in the 1960s and 70s. It's a bit of a short story; the characters are more-or-less fictional, the fear and loathing all mine. In the hands of the brilliant Steve Conrad in our Union Avenue music lair, it turned into something you might call Twisted Heavy Metal. Again we had a real live drummer (Steven Fryette) and he played so sparse it was huge: it cracked me up. The original vocal was mixed too low, so I inserted a new one in 2023... and I think maybe I finally got the "Oom banadanadana" parts right.

LYRIC:
Just before Suzanna was conceived
Her mother nearly fell for a totally different man
But all her life she’s managed to believe
She can hold the world like a nickel in her hand
Yesterday I saw her on the street
Walking home from a one night stand

repeated vocal theme:
Om banadanadana doom banadanadana
Now na nownownow

Robert was a foolish man who did well at school
Picking through the egos of his teachers
He found that every frightened man is just a tool
And learned to ignore all other features
He was at the party with Suzanne
Staring her into a one night stand

Robert lived with Jamie down on Union Street
Until the night he came home with Suzanne
Jamie at the time was only thirty-three
But he already knew just how much he could stand
So Jamie faced the future like a man
And they found him lying on his hands

Well you knew that I would eventually get around to you
’Cause everybody else was so impatient
You saw me on the sidewalk, reading the rock review
And we had our chance to rise to the occasion
We found ourselves a room with a view
Of the morning and the crowds on the pavement

But we’ll all come together hand in hand
Walking home from a one night stand
Yes we’ll all come together hand in hand
Walking home from the one night stand

One Night Stand

Believe it or not, around 1981, I was in an affair with a woman named Peggy Sue, and I wrote this song about that, but also as a sort of counterweight to the classic Buddy Holly song. It was the age of disco-rock, at least in my head, so the arrangement came out this way. There's a video made in 1987, and I may sometime have the guts to post it.
JMK - instrumentals and vocal.
LYRIC:
CHORUS:
I’d rather do almost anything than Peggy Sue
Almost anything you’d like to do
Almost anything you’d like to do

We could go to the discount store
We could browse for an hour or more
Till they throw us right out the door
That’s what we’ll do

CHORUS

If you wanna hit the midnight show
We could sit in the seventh row
Till our faces are all aglow
Just me and you

Then we could get right out of our heads
And we could lie down under my bed
And we could make believe that we’re dead
That’s what we’ll do
INSTRUMENTAL
Peggy does her face when the sun goes down
Then she comes to me in her evening gown
It’s been so long that she’s been around
It makes me blue

CHORUS, twice

So right now I’m gonna go downtown
Where the girls strut around
I’m gonna find me a joyful sound
And dance with you

song written by J.M. Kearns

Peggy Sue

A Latin groove highlights this song about the world of Business and Money. It concerns the envy that a young office worker feels for his very successful boss, but what emerges is a portrait of the hollowness and distress of the older man’s life.

- instruments, vocal: J.M. Kearns
- harmony vocal: Debra Donahue
- song by J.M Kearns

LYRIC: 
Sometimes you think of that man as someone you’ll never be
A man who towers above you like a Douglas Fir over a cedar tree
A man whose lofty position is an insult to your life
And sometimes you think of that man
And you wish you could be his size:

CHORUS:
But he just makes more money than you, that’s all
He just makes more money than you, that’s all
He doesn’t have more time to play
He don’t get home till late in the day
And on the way home, you know he’s ready to fall

He works in a tall skyscraper and you work in it too
He sits in a stack of paper and brother, so do you
And all day long, the telephone, attached to his ear it stays,
If I saw you both through a window
There’s not much difference, I’d say

CHORUS

You keep on thinking that you don’t want to lose
So why is your sole ambition, one day to fill his shoes?

He dreams of being the father his children have never seen,
He met his wife at a high school dance
She’s tall and tired and clean
And when he’s had a third glass of wine
He talks of the meaning of life,
And he asks you why the passage of time
Should cut him like a knife

CHORUS

More Money Than You

A song about the loss of the things of childhood, and a yearning for an adult relationship.

Written by J.M. Kearns and Steve Conrad
Sung by J.M. Kearns; arrangement Steve Conrad

LYRIC:
I came downstairs on my seventh birthday
And found a new electric train
One day it disappeared behind the hillside
And never came around again

I tried, but I can’t do it too
To follow where its tracks went through

I had a friend who told me tales of heroes		
In my grandfather’s attic room 
One day he took off through the open window
And disappeared behind the moon

I tried, but I can’t do it too
To follow where his track went through

Now I’ve lost all my toys
And I won’t make no noise
So Baby, when can I play with you
Tell me, when can I play with you

I saw you watching me off in the distance
But you get closer every day
And when we laugh, it takes all my resistance
Not to believe you’re gonna stay

I tried, but I can’t do it too
To follow where their tracks went through

Now I’ve lost all my toys
And I won’t make no noise
So honey, when can I play with you?
I’ve lost all my toys
And I won’t make no noise
So Baby, when can I play with you
Tell me, when can I play with you

The Toys' Desertion

In this song, written in 1995, living in my home town, I tried to imagine what my mother was feeling after the recent death of my dad. She wasn't a fan of country music, but he sure was, and it sort of came out in that style.

- guitars, harp, and vocals: J.M. Kearns
- song by J.M. Kearns

LYRIC:
The endless night took you away
The endless night that never turns into day
And I was lost under the dawn
And the endless day goes on and on

CHORUS:
Where you are I don’t know
Is it someplace far? I guess so
But where you are I can’t be
Till the endless night comes for me

I heard a train whistle blow
Movin’ down the line so sad and slow
And then I looked into the dawn
But the clouds all said that a true heart’s gone

CHORUS

The Endless Night

Written in San Francisco in 1986, when the world seemed on a precipice and I was reminded of a 1963 song by Skeeter Davis called "The end of the world" that gave odd comfort. This song is about that old song, and much more. A video that includes 1986 footage is found here: https://jmkearns.bandcamp.com/track/the-end-of-the-world  
CREDITS & LYRICS FOLLOW.
CREDITS:
- vocal and piano, guitar: J.M. Kearns
- harmony vocal: Debra Donahue
- song by J.M. Kearns

LYRIC:
Now when I was just a young kid
And you were just a little girl
I heard a song by Skeeter Davis
Called "The end of the world"

CHORUS:
I used to love to hear that song
I used to love to hear that song
It said the end of the world
Had already come and gone

She wondered why her heart kept beating
And why her eyes could cry
She said her whole world had ended
When her boyfriend said goodbye

CHORUS

There's a yellow rain a-fallin'
As I hum my favorite tune
And the newsman with the clean-cut smile
Says the turning point will be soon...

I see a green distant island
Where the misty mountains disappear in gray
And you and I could be waiting
For the end of the day,

And we could stand there on the shoreline
Where the broken waves are hurled
And count up all the sunsets
Since the end of the world…

The End Of The World

“Dark current” is about a deep, innate sadness or despair that afflicts some of us, it’s in our DNA, a feeling that things are NOT going to be okay. It spills over into thinking that you are not what other people need you to be – lovers, parents, friends. Addiction is often part of the same dark current. But if they “fixed” it using some sort of drug, then you wouldn’t be you anymore.

This is one of those songs that my guitar wrote: the opening finger-picked pattern just happened, and that led to the first 2-line verse, which invited the words and melody of the chorus, and the rest dictated itself in a matter of minutes. When I recorded it, I added a countermelody on piano, and some harmonica and stuff. Didn't know that I was writing about a deep fracture in my own life, till the song was there.
- written and performed by J.M Kearns
LYRIC:
You don’t know what I feel
Long ago love was real
Then a dark current pulled me down
Then a dark current turned me ’round

Every time I reach for you
Moving towards love that’s true
This dark current pulls me down
Oh this dark current turns me ’round

In dreams I see how love could be
But the darkness wakes me, and my heart fails me

You will go far away
And you know, I will stay
Where this dark current pulls me down
Where this dark current turns me ’round

Dark Current

A mischievous, gossipy recent song about a dangerous narcissist and the gullible person he controls and consumes in his dark flame -- based on a true story, of course!
- vocal, instruments by J.M. Kearns
- vocal harmony by Debra Donahue
LYRIC:
Well I tried so hard to tell you
He would steal much more than your time,
Yes I tried so hard to help you
But you said that he was sublime

Then he swore your lips to silence
When he took you into his bed,
And it felt like some kind of violence
When you could not tell all your friends

That your love was just so astounding
And you thought he felt the same
But I knew he’d burn your soul to the ground
With his dark, invisible flame 

Little fool, you never got any
From a heart so secret and pale
Till one night, you had one too many
And you told me your staggering tale

And I wanted so bad to help you
So I told him what you’d told me,
And that’s when he just had to tell you
You’d be much better off being free...

But your love was just so astounding
And you thought he felt the same
So I watched him burn your soul to the ground
With his dark, invisible flame

Oh, that dark
Oh, that dark
That dark invisible flame

Invisible Flame

An innocent wandering character, Benjamin, experiences aspects of life that seem like the game is fixed; politics, music, television, critics' reviews... 

This lyric had sat on a piece of paper for years when I asked my friend Jim Counter to try to put a melody to it, around 2006, and he came back with a gem. We recorded it  back then, and recently he added bass and Debra Donahue added a bit of a backing vocal.

LYRIC:
Benjamin started feeling earthquakes
Long before he moved to L.A.
It was all that smoke that he inhaled
One night over Boston bay
He lay there listening to Dylan
The original vinyl hits
He heard those Chimes of Freedom
And wondered how the game got fixed

Benjamin turned on the president
Reading his latest speech
All about the need for armament
Benjamin chewed on a peach,
His TV set was in color
But it was stuck on Channel 66 –
Benjamin listened to the president
And wondered how the game got fixed

CHORUS:
How the game got fixed
Seemed to be the question
How the game got fixed
Under the nose of Benjamin

Benjamin talked to a traffic cop
On Sunset Boulevard
Benjamin went to a movie
And used his student card
But the movie just wasn’t funny
Though it made all the critics’ picks
Benjamin sat in the balcony
And wondered how the game got fixed

CHORUS


CHORUS

How the game got fixed (Benjamin's song)

Written long ago in Toronto, a sort of confessional song that used the phrase "like virgins do" long before Madonna did, a longing for innocence and for strength. Recorded in 2023.

Instruments and vocals: J.M. Kearns
Written by J.M. Kearns

LYRIC:
I get caught between the lines
Sleep right through and don't wake up
I get scared at dinner time
I can't release the loving cup
I get out of hand, my dear
I don't understand
Make too much of brandy-wine
Still can't seem  to get enough

Well I've been standing on the stairs
Wond’ring when you'll come again,
And I've been hangin’ in the night --
Pretty soon, I’m going to wane...

So make me smile like we used to
Make me talk the whole way home,
Make me sing like virgins do
Make me fine and make me strong
I get out of hand, my dear
I don't understand
So make me walk just one straight line
Make it last just one.... more time.

I get out of hand

A song influenced by the solemn, cosmic feel of some early songs by The Band. This one was written by Kearns in 1977 in a Castle in Carbon Canyon where he lived for a time with a famous actress. He awoke one night from a sort of apocalyptic dream about his estranged father, and this song dictated itself. The recording is a recent one featuring Kearns’ current trio, The Squares. CREDITS AND LYRICS FOLLOW.
- guitar, organ, lead vocal: J.M. Kearns
- harmony vocals: Debra Donahue, MQ Murphy
- electric lead guitar: MQ Murphy
- bass: Marlene Babbert
LYRIC:
One dark night as I lay dreaming
I thought I saw a man walking off to my left hand
His face it looked so familiar
That I called his name, then I saw that he had changed
All the hills, they rang with thunder, the sky was burning red
Did he hear me when I said

I got feelings up on the shelf
I could take them down for somebody else

Long ago there were crystal waters 
Flowing through my dreams, we would sit beside the stream
Then we’d walk on that peaceful border
No one had to fight and the sunrise was so bright

I got feelings up on the shelf
I could bring them down with your help

And I want you to hear me, when I cry
You never have to fear me, now don’t you even try
And I want you to know that I still feel the same
You never have to go and play that crazy game...

It’s so sad to think we lost it,
You were once my friend, can we get back there again
Take a walk by those crystal waters
That was long ago, now our time is running low

I got feelings up on the shelf
I could take them down for somebody else,
Oh I got feelings up on the shelf
I could bring them down with your help,
Yeah I got feelings up on the shelf
I could bring them down with your help.

Crystal Waters

This song evolved slowly from my early days in Los Angeles to when I was about to leave that town forever, a decade later... it takes in different forms of "living on the edge": dealing with the Entertainment Industry, trying to be yourself, goals you can't give up even when they leave you out in the cold, and heroes that are gone. CREDITS AND LYRICS BELOW.
- instruments, vocal by J.M. Kearns     
- song by J.M. Kearns
LYRIC:
I’ve been living on the edge for a long, long time
Wondering what it was I was trying to find
Hopin’ for the day my life would start
While the world got ready to tear me apart

Well there’s so much, girl, to be hungry for
To be touched and tasted, gouged and gored
Placed on high for the world to see
Or listening to stories from a guy like me

CHORUS:
Living on the edge
No one else to blame
Living on the edge
And calling, calling out your name

There are people out there who can make you laugh
But soon you’re screaming like the fatted calf
They’ll bring you Babylon and bring you Rome
Then they put on their coats and they all drive home

Living on the edge
Riding for a fall
Living on the edge
There’s no time, no time left at all

INSTRUMENTAL VERSE

Well the King and Queen they lost their crown
A cold wind blew the juke box down
So now you’re gonna have to feel your own pain
If you want to ride on the Mystery Train

Living on the edge
Hanging by a song
Living on the edge
Now it won’t, now it won’t be long

Living On The Edge

I was working at a crisis line in Nashville, and would get some calls from lonely old men. I was not too young myself and I could relate, so I wrote this song about an old guy trying to make it through another night. His lost dreams, his basement view of the moon, his wish to go out on the town.
The recording is with my band the Lonely Mammals, with guest piano player Randy Handley, who plays a solo from heaven. LYRICS & CREDITS FOLLOW.
LYRICS:
I had a woman cuddled me real tight
She was young, but I was sixty-nine
I paid her good, but then she said goodbye

The dream I had, I left along the road
I stashed that dream somewhere along the road
I thought I would go back, but I don’t go

That’s why the big fish way down deep will not be mine
Fishin’s no fun if you’re running out of line

My nephew took me in when Mama died
A bed and a couple of chairs will have to suffice
Down in the basement, gives me a place to lie

If I could drive at night I’d surely go out and dance
If I could find the crease in these old flannel pants

But they say you don’t get out of here alive
You might de dead, you might be seventy-five

That's why the big fish way down deep won’t be mine
Fishin’s no fun if you’re running out of line

The cellar window shows that moon so bright
I’ll call the Crisis Line, and make it through another night.

CREDITS: 
Kathy Burkly: percussion
Liz Rader: bass
Bob Hatter: lead guitar
Randy Handley: piano
Dan Brayall: backup vocal
JMK: guitar, vocal

Running Out Of Line

Sometimes you commit to someone heart and soul but you have no agenda of "possessing" them as your mate, maybe because that isn't in the cards. But still, your devotion to them is absolute.
LYRICS:
Well I want to be the mountain where you climb to the morning sky
And I want to be the valley where you walk in the evening light,
And I want to be the angel who watches your story unfold
And tugs on your sleeve when you nearly fall asleep on the road

But I guess I’ll be your river, be your river tonight
With clear, clear water, I ain’t got nothin’ to hide

And I want to be the stranger that you smile at after the show
And I want to be the friend who knew you so long ago
And I want to be your poet, and dress in a long black cape
Or be your prisoner, but I’d never try to escape

So I’m gonna be your river, be your river tonight
With a strong current flowing, we’ll put up a hell of a fight

And I’d like to be your evergreen and take you out on a limb
And I want to be your lover but I saw you walking with him

So I guess I’ll be your … I guess I’ll be …
your river, I’ll be your river, be your river tonight
your river, I’ll be your river

CREDITS:
JMK: all instruments, vocal

I'll Be Your River

This song is a heartfelt tribute to a woman who had more guts and integrity than me in a corporate environment, as I got caught up in trying to be a proper bureaucrat and she insisted on being herself at any cost. The song weaves a partly-fictional story (but all faithful) of how she got fired and why I didn't. The sarcasm in the song is at my expense, not hers.
I had a beaten-up old upright piano in my kitchen in my rented house in Pasadena, and I came up with this strangely frenetic arrangement on that piano. Then I added a spooky keyboard line from my trusty Juno 106 synth... and so on. I don't know if I was channeling Harry Chapin in this song, but I THINK I was.
lyrics
She walked into my office at 4 pm
I still remember the look on her face
She said, “I’ve been fired on account of the dress code,
I guess I’ll have to find work in some other place.”

We rode forty floors down on the elevator
I said “I’ll be sorry to see you go”
She said “It’s you, you should be worried about”
And left me standing like a bureaucrat in the snow

CHORUS:
She didn’t look hurt like she should be
Just kind of sad and kind of free
Like she always knew she’d have to go
And leave me standing like a bureaucrat in the snow

I watched her red socks move along the sidewalk
And a tight yellow top right down to her thigh
Her black silk pants nearly reached to her ankles
I walked back in the building and straightened my tie.

CHORUS

- instruments and vocal: J.M. Kearns
- song by J.M. Kearns

A mischievous recent song about a dangerous narcissist and the gullible person he controls and consumes in his dark flame - with a gossipy relish to the narration... based on a true story, of course!
lyrics
Well I tried so hard to tell you
He would steal much more than your time,
Yes I tried so hard to help you
But you said that he was sublime

Then he swore your lips to silence
When he took you into his bed,
And it felt like some kind of violence
When you could not tell all your friends

That your love was just so astounding
And you thought he felt the same
But I knew he’d burn your soul to the ground
With his dark, invisible flame

Little fool, you never got any
From a heart so secret and pale
Till one night, you had one too many
And you told me your staggering tale

And I wanted so bad to help you
So I told him what you’d told me,
And that’s when he just had to tell you
You’d be much better off being free...

But your love was just so astounding
And you thought he felt the same
So I watched him burn your soul to the ground
With his dark, invisible flame

Oh, that dark
Oh, that dark
That dark invisible flame
That dark invisible flame
CREDITS
- vocal, instruments by J.M. Kearns
- vocal harmony by Debra Donahue
- song written by J.M. Kearns

Invisible flame

Hi, friends. My new album is now on Bandcamp at https://jmkearns.bandcamp.com/album/songs-of-surviving-in-the-city-vol-1 . Please enjoy it there!
BIO:
At age 30, J.M. Kearns abandoned his native Toronto and a future in academic philosophy, and thumbed his way to L.A. to be a songwriter.

In L.A. there were a couple of near-breakthroughs — an audition at Electra-Asylum Records, a song meeting with Warren Beatty — but then things got real. Kearns had to eat. He worked as a house painter, then a telegram-singing donkey, and then he really hunkered down, as a bureaucrat at a huge downtown law firm, exchanging molecules with tall office buildings. He did a lot of writing and recording, but not a lot of performing.

That changed when he moved to Nashville. After a thousand writers’ nights, he was given his first real gig, an 8:30 slot at a notorious club called the Gold Rush. Good things started to happen. Kearns found his mojo as a performer and a band formed around him, dubbed the Lonely Mammals. In 2007 he issued a CD with them called Death or Life, and Elmore magazine gave it a rave review. Also that year, his novel The Deep End was published (https://www.amazon.com/Deep-End-J-M-Kearns/dp/1500502707 ). And five of Kearns’ songs were recorded by independent artists. 

In 2010 Kearns moved to Cape May, a beach town at the southern tip of New Jersey, where he performs in a trio called The Squares with his partner Debra Donahue and their friend M.Q. Murphy. And of course, he keeps writing songs. Oddly, his life’s circle became unbroken when a musician friend got him a job teaching philosophy at a nearby university. In May 2024 Kearns released his first solo album, Before the coffee gets too cold.

His new album, Songs of Surviving in the City, Vol. 1, releases on Nov. 15th, 2024, and it’s now in preview on Bandcamp at https://jmkearns.bandcamp.com/album/songs-of-surviving-in-the-city-vol-1 .

Watch this space: next year Kearns will release three more albums of songs that you've never heard. Love Songs Only; Undiscovered Country, and Earliest Songs-Toronto.

J.M. Kearns

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