In today’s story episode I’m shedding many of the awkward, scared, small and unwanted masks of my school years.  This period of my life is my coming out and reinvention.   And man, did it ever feel good!

As I reflect back on this period of time it’s incredible to see how fast I jumped at all of these opportunities.  I look back with awe and wonder at the cockiness, confidence and zest for life that I had.  To be honest, sometimes I wish I could steal some of that and bring that into present day.

I was on an ego upswing and after spending most of my life locked away in a closet of shame and self-hatred my new life of freedom was everything that I dreamed of… or so I thought.

Back at this time in my life I wasn’t even conscious of the new double life that I had created.  I didn’t see the all too familiar trap that I was sprinting towards.  I didn’t see how my circumstances had changed but that I hadn’t changed.

External validation was the intoxicating drug that I used as a life support for my flat lining self-esteem.  And damn, that drug works great!  But what I didn’t realize was how addictive it was. Once I got a taste of positive external validation I couldn’t stop.  I always needed more.

So, what about you?  Have you ever got hooked on external validation?  Are you crushed when you don’t get the number of likes you NEED on Instagram?  Or what about feedback?  Are you able to accept honest feedback or do you need to surround yourself in an echo chamber of people that look like you, act like you and think like you?

Welcome to the journey towards healthy self-esteem!

James

Validate Me

Trauma is blocked emotional energy that is trapped inside of your body. You need to process it and you need to feel it.

What I have learned is that when I repress and deny my feelings and my Knowing, I’m blocking my connection with God and I’m hurting myself… and I’m hurting others.

At more than one point in my life I thought it would be easier to leave this world than to feel my feelings, follow my God given Knowing, speak out against those I considered to be in ‘control’ and to share my truth.

I was drifting towards suicide because I cared more about what others thought about me than I did about myself. I believed the lies that I was being taught about my being, instead of trusting my Knowing.

Trigger Warning - I want to share that this is another ‘explicit’ episode as this part of my story contains content that may trigger some survivors. In today’s episode I will be talking about suicidal ideation and attempted suicide. This is a topic that nobody wants to talk about, but we desperately need to talk about. I’m dedicating this episode to all those struggling with mental health challenges and to the incredible services that The Trevor Project provides in the US and that Kids Help Phone provides in Canada to help support young LGBTQ lives.

As always, I encourage all listeners to be gentle with themselves, listen to your own bodies and to proceed with loving intent, knowing that it’s okay to stop and/or take breaks. For some, you may need to skip this episode and that’s okay.

If you are a survivor of religious trauma, sexual abuse or assault or are a person facing mental health issues related to today’s conversation I strongly encourage you to be extremely gentle with yourself and to reach out to a mental health professional that specializes in trauma.

There is no shame in asking for the help that you deserve.

You are loved

James.

James Powell 2