Meeting new friends, staring down
Imagining the time I'll try to fight them
Tying a sword to my hands
Fighting the want to be hostile

I wouldn't isolate
If I never made those mistakes
But I know what this
An excuse to stop me from being better

I've been pushing people away
Because I didn't learn my mistakes
Now, it's been seven years, it's too late
Now, it's been seven years, it's too late

Will You let me know if something happens?
Will You let me know?

I've been pushing people away
Because I didn't learn my mistakes
Now, it's been seven years, it's too late
Now, it's been seven years, it's too late

Pushing People Away

-- The title is a play off of My Own Summer by Deftones. I think the songwriting also reflects the self-destructive rhetoric in that song. 

The album uses the Sodom imagery not as a symbol of queer oppression or destructive sin, but of broken faith. Lot is a character from the Old Testament biblical narrative. He originally inherited the land of Sodom from God, but it went wrong outside of his control. The album deals with the dilemma of being given things by God that are ultimately destructive, and how all that shame can funnel into addiction. --

Lyrics:
I've been sleeping
For the past 3 weeks not being aware
Of anything
Drugging my mind until there's no why
How did I get here?
How did I get here?

I tell myself
It will be better when I open myself
But do you know
The feeling of cold wind to your bare skin
It's always painful
It's always painful

The way to You
The hurt of truth
Decreasing faith
I make mistakes
my Sodom

The pain of promise
The healing doesn't happen
Decreasing faith
I make mistakes
my Sodom

I tell myself it will be better when I go get help
But my Sodom tells me the work gets done but the pain don't leave

Prayers of pain
The church didn't help me
Decreasing faith
I've made my shame
my Sodom

The way to You
The hurt of truth
Decreasing faith
I make mistakes
my Sodom

The pain of promise
The healing doesn't happen
Decreasing faith
I make mistakes
my Sodom

My Own Sodom

-- One of the most technical songs i've ever made, but I dislike it because I did it out of unhealthy ambition. Lot is a character from the Old Testament biblical narrative. He originally inherited the land of Sodom from God, but it went wrong outside of his control. The album deals with the dilemma of being given things by God that are ultimately destructive, and how all that shame can funnel into addiction. --

Lyrics:
Nothing I'll ever do will justify me for the Blood of the Lamb
Nothing, nothing, nothing
But now is the seventh time I've relapsed today
Getting high and I feel
Nothing, nothing nothing

Why is there so much pain when I've done nothing wrong?
This is why I will feel
Nothing, nothing, nothing

My Sodom, my precious Sodom
I never wanted to leave you
Despite all the trauma you made me go through

Have you ever felt an outcry despite the good things in your life?
My Sodom looks like this
And this is what it says to me
"I can't believe You gave me this"
"I can't believe You gave me this"

And if God will burn my blessings to save me
I swear that I'll feel
Nothing, nothing, nothing

Lot (Nothing)

-- When you get diagnosed with addiction, it's almost always because of a need to control your current emotional reality. This song is about that. I liked doing this song because there was no pressure to make it, and it naturally became catchy to me. --

Lyrics:
I keep telling myself that
Addiction's not the problem
it's the things that I'm coping from

And I don't know why
I don't know why
I don't know why
All the reasons I listed down
Never work up

You get addicted to this need to control
It's something that you never get used to
Used to

And then you hurt in doing things that you can't control
It's something that you never get used to
Used to

I keep having dreams
Where my life could feel much better
It's like I don't have to believe

And I don't know why
I don't know why
All the reasons I can't believe
Are all just salt and fire

You get addicted to this need to control
It's something that you never get used to
Used to

And then you hurt in doing things that you can't control
It's something that you never get used to
Used to

Need To Control

-- This song is about the climate crisis. The title is about the 2025 United Nations Climate Change Conference. Almost 30 years have gone into it, but progress has always been too slow due to the profit-inclined stubborness of oil and coal giants. It's easy to lose hope. 

I was originally inspired to write it when I read this article about a journalist trying to stop their alcoholism. But they found no point because the climate crisis was getting worse anyway. I'm a biology undergraduate, and I've had my fair share of panic attacks about the stuff I eventually realized about the climate crisis.

What's the point from healing from the things that make you numb, when you know you'll feel worse about the world soon enough?

The final sample is an excerpt of "It's Not That I'm Angry" from the "Letters to the Earth" series, spoken by Alex Lawther --



Lyrics:
I've seen so much but it's never enough
I've tried my best but it's never enough
So much has burned but it's never enough
They need to be scared but it's never enough

New symbols but it's never enough
We sugarcoat words but it's never enough
Pandering money but it's never enough
Exploited my soul and it's never enough

Everything's burning, yeah
I gotta run away, run away, run away
Everything's burning, yeah
I gotta run away, run away, run away

40 years now 'cause it's never enough
Our cities still burning 'cause it's never enough
The sea will die 'cause it's never enough
Fire will rain 'cause it's never enough

The sea will die 'cause it's never enough
Fire will rain 'cause it's never enough


COP30 (Never Enough)

-- TRIGGER WARNING:
This song has mentions of unaliving.

This song is the crashout. It sounds a lot like Duster, Weyes Blood, and Slowdive combined. --

Lyrics:
I dreamt of sodium nitrite today
I faked my email to a meat shop from here
I haven't dreamt this in two years
I've faked my way through my vision to live

What do you want me to say,
that You're not enough?
What do you want me to say,
that You're not enough?

I hold in my rage every day
It hurts so much but I need to feel a thing
You cursed Lot for Sodom
Am I the same God?
How long till I'll be free?

What do you want me to say,
that You're not enough?
What do you want me to say,
that You're not enough?


Unreachable Serenity

-- Short song, but I think it has the most important lyrics across the entire album. 

It's a bit ironic that the prior songs are technically good, but art doesn't make sense to me if it doesn't make me want to appreciate my life. --



Perhaps if I swallowed my pride I'll get better
Perhaps if I took that step of faith I'll get better

I've lost all my patience and sympathy
When my godliness didn't heal my wounds
I mourn for what God has allowed in me
I take out this pain on everything

For all my life, I know God's been good
But I don't believe when the hurt gets worse

Perhaps

-- God will never heal me of my ADHD and depression. I prayed about it for years and it didn't work. I still believe, but most times I'm more resentful than faithful. It took a long while to process it, and this song is about that.

If you read the context of my imagery in the previous songs, thank you! You'll definitely understand the chorus more. --


Lyrics:
My ADHD is my Sodom
My Depression is my Sodom
My ADHD is my Sodom
My Depression is my Sodom


I've had dreams like this since I was a kid
Dependencies for each hurt I get
There's this emptiness inside of me
All I know is God gave it to me

No use explaining, this happened before
This greed I allow just hurts God more
There's this emptiness inside of me
All I know is God gave it to me


My ADHD is my Sodom
My Depression is my Sodom
There's this emptiness inside of me
All I know is God gave it to me


My dad gave up when I was a teen
Now its tears of blood in Gethsemane 
There's this emptiness inside of me,
All I know is Christ had it like me

Now I mask myself for what I've lost
But He wears my shame like a crown of thorns
There's this emptiness inside of me,
All I know is Christ had it like me


My ADHD is my Sodom
My Depression is my Sodom
There's this emptiness inside of me
All I know is Christ had it like me


My Post Overdose Confession

-- Nothing but the blood of Jesus. --

Lyrics:
I've done nothing good in me
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
Tried my best and nothing worked
Nothing but the blood of Jesus 

Oh, precious is this flow
Years of trauma killed my soul
And when no one else shows up
Nothing but the blood of Jesus 

I've done nothing good in me
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
Tried my best and nothing worked
Nothing but the blood of Jesus 

So much pain, but for this I'll stay
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
So much pain, but for this I'll stay
Nothing but the blood of Jesus

Oh, precious is this flow
Years of trauma killed my soul
And when no one else shows up
Nothing but the blood of Jesus 

Nothing But The Blood of Jesus

Day 0 (God, I'm finally letting this go)

biblically-accurate shoegaze, hyperpop, and electronica. solo project by janpol estrella.

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