INSPIRATION: a post on Instagram asking for stories about autistics defeating the odds

those who study the seas become sailors
those who work on the seams become tailors
but me I feel like a failure

I have no myths to bust
just a story to tell where my dreams were crushed
I have no fight song to relay

now I sit in my mound of rhymes
where I'm kind of okay most of the time
I didn't think that it would be this way

but now the lesson my life have sung
is that dreams are not for everyone

authors get rejected for ages
till someone invests in their pages
but me I'm not so courageous

I'm giving up the fight
I won't defeat the odds, but the others might
would you like my story anyway?

some are reaching for the stars
nothing keeps them back, they have come so far
in contrast I have made my grand escape

and the regret has immensely stung
that dreams are not for everyone

dreams are not for everyone

Thanks again to RecordingStudio for the wonderful track. Piece dedicated to St Thérèse.

Why do you dislike suffering?
While you may dislike the event of it,
I should think the concept of it would be quite pleasing to you,
For from suffering you can only grow,
And do you dislike growing?
I should think of the idea of suffering as quite sweet
Although it elicits much discomfort at the time.
For how can we grow in God without emerging from the depths?
It seems to me a life of blissful ignorance would be savage.
I would learn only from goodness and never from my own mistakes.
What can I learn of sacrifice from goodness alone?
There is Love,
But how can I know Love without knowing sacrifice?
The Lord Himself was the exemplary sacrifice,
Which He accomplished through dreaded suffering.
Why should this be so?
Why, the Lord works in mysterious ways,
But if we should master suffering and sacrifice,
We should be immune to the thrashings of this world
And look to Him as our only consolation.
'Tis a fanciful thought, I must say,
But in comparison to the false beauties of finite earthly consolation
I prefer it one hundredfold.
What would be life without trials?
Why, Heaven!
But what do we know of that world?
That it is depleted of suffering?
On the contrary! It is the fulfillment of the most perfect sufferings,
To live and to die for the Superior of all sufferings.
Be strong in your conviction, therefore,
And suffer with the known confidence of its reward.

Prose on Suffering

What happens when you make a mistake and want forgiveness? God will provide, but what can we say about the world?

Thanks again to RecordingStudio for the sick beat.

I was stricken with such ugly lies
It should not have come as a surprise
That people would undermine me
And leave me be where the sinners breed
The sinners who no longer care
To call on God in their despair
The sinners who have resigned themselves
To worldly affairs and to nothing else
They care not to protect my soul
But only to stroke their own ego
A child of God cannot as fathom
How she, forgiven, could be amongst them
She prays for them with her utmost heart
But she begs to never be a part
For her heart is resigned to God alone
None can usurp that holy throne
Forgiveness is her greatest wish
But the world is cruel and sends her amiss
She wants someone who will love her
Not feed his desires using her
Not for what she’s done, but for who she is
The portrayal of Christ’s forgiveness
And here he was but now no longer
But this is God’s protection, I will not be somber

Lord, I do not want him
I just want You.
I want more and more and more
And more and more and more of You.

Let the men forgive as You do.

Forgive

There's the victim and the culprit... who is the real underdog? Do we have the right to judge?

Thanks RecordingStudios!

I bet you feel moral for standing with the victim
I bet you feel moral for saying you ain’t him
The killer, who belongs in Hell
You have the authority to say that before anyone else

I bet you feel moral for not cheating on your girlfriend
I bet you feel moral even though you never fought temptation
I bet you feel moral for judging a pedophile
Who never committed a crime but only confessed urges for a child

i bet you feel moral for standing against injustice
Even though it never affected you, you justify your clenched fists
I bet you feel moral for sharing the opinion of the crowd
For demonizing the oppressors and hating them out loud

I bet you feel moral, but I bet it’s cause you ain’t them
You got struggles of your own; don’t be thinkin’ you a saint then
I bet you feel moral, but then you go and hurt someone else
Maybe not on purpose, but brother, look at yourself!

I bet you feel moral and that you never need savin’
Forgiveness is for the weak, and you won’t be partakin’
I bet you feel moral cause that’s just human nature
To justify ourselves and judge others who break our

Rigid Ten Commandments of Hate that we all write
But I bet you think your righteousness will spare you the fight
I got news for you, sinner, your morality’s finite
I bet you think you’re moral but you can bet that that ain’t right

I Bet You Feel Moral

I shouldn't base my self-worth off your opinion of my wrongs... but it's hard to get beyond that.

Why’d you have to make me feel worthless, worthless
I was with you the whole time
Then you had to debase me cause I’m not a virgin
All because I’ve tried
Some things you haven’t yet
My purity’s a disguise
I could never deserve you
Cause only a forgiver
Could ever be with me

Why’d you have to think I’m running from my mistakes
Cause in times of self-distrust
I ran to the Church to make my escape
But all you see’s hypocrisy
I could never be saved
As if the past defined my destiny
And that is all
You’ll ever think of me

Worthless

I go through the Ten Commandments and elaborate on each one in rap form. Feel free to use this as an actual Act of Conscience! It's kind of general though.

Rap verses only

With what joy do we proclaim that we are children of the most High?
Do we fulfill our Christian duty or stand meekly aside?
With all our afflictions and worldly affiliations
Idolized identities and ephemeral pride
He will never forsake us, but we must try
Do we ourselves stay?
Is he the first thing on our mind when we kneel down to pray?
Do we lie prostrate at his feet and tell him about our day?
Is Jesus truly our life and not just something on life’s shelf
Is our identity in Christ truly greater than in ourselves?

Do we realize the life-giving power of his Name
Discontent to throw it around like it’s some kind of game
Loving him necessarily, foremost, and primarily
Giving up our obsession of the status quo and fame
We weren’t meant to fit in, and neither was the lamb Slain
Do we make the attempt?
Do we fill our mouths with words of goodness and nothing of contempt?
Is our Christian life something realized and not just something that we’ve dreamt?
Is the Gospel on our lips as fervently as in our heart
Is the Lord the inspiration for our words or just a part?

How many times have we taken our weekly rest?
Is the Lord’s day a time of pleasure or something we detest
Do we halt our daily rituals, rote and habitual
To regenerate ourselves to become holy and blessed?
He loves us regardless, but he knows we’re a mess
Do we keep his command?
Do we conquer inconvenience and avoid work being planned?
Do we commit ourselves today to falling into God’s hands?
Is our mentality on our grandiose selves or on our Maker
Are we his true Disciples or are we secretly his haters?

Have we been faithful to our parents in their times of need?
Even if we don’t think they deserve it, do we joyfully follow their lead?
When we feel neglected, misunderstood, or disrespected
Do we let it all go, offer it up, and their instructions heed?
God alone knows our condition, but through these works we are freed
Do we imitate his life?
Do we honor our mother and our father in times of goodness and of strife?
Do we mirror the Holy Family as a daughter, son, husband, or wife?
Do we offer up with everything we have our greatest love
For our families as we try to do for the Greatest one above?

How often do we rest in God’s grace and not our anger
Do we remember the holy face of the Child born in the manger?
It’s so easy to be a murderer instead of being a hurdler
Of the obstacles that distract us from grace, our greatest dangers
Are we killing not our God by making him a stranger? 
Are our weapons ones of grace?
Have we traded out our violence for an ever-enduring faith?
Are we letting others live and our contempt be erased?
Are we displaying the face of God and spreading his love and peace
Are we killing not others but our worldly selves on our knees?

Are our eyes fixed on the loving Sacrifice of our Savior
Or is our earthly preoccupation something that stays here?
Will we intentionally see the beauty of the Lord and eventually
See Christ in other people, or will we only get lazier?
Do we see moral law as black and white, or have we made it hazier?
Can we push away our lust?
Do we strive to see their dignity before we make a shallow fuss
Over sexiness instead of honoring the one we say we trust?
Will our discussion of the meaning of sex enrich our love
Is a culture of Life a priority or just something optional to think of?

Act of Conscience

Indebted as always to RecordingStudios

Would you rather experience feelings or Love?
What if the Love is painful?
What if the feelings never lead anywhere but the Love keeps you isolated?
What if Love brings other people together but feelings make you feel loved?
What if those feelings are empty of true Love?
What if you never reach true fulfillment with feelings and that feelings never guarantee Love?
What if that Love were only possible by relinquishing those feelings?
What if those feelings were only possible by relinquishing that Love?
But what if it feels so good and feels so right?
What if Love isn’t an option?
What if Love is an option, available and ready, but it looks so ugly?
What if Love requires sacrificing everything you ever wanted?
When you see the power of Love, how can you ever turn back?
How can you see feelings the same way again?
How is this even a choice?
But so often feelings win

Feelings Versus Love

Wrote this one a while back! God loves you!

God, I have a gift for you
Here’s my broken heart
God I have a gift for you
Take it to make me anew
God I have a gift for you
Here’s my broken heart
Here’s my broken heart

Oh God, oh God
I give you my broken heart
Oh God, oh God
I give you my broken heart
I give you my broken heart
Oh God

Father, I will always love you
But I know you love me more
Jesus, I will always love you
So I’ll never close that door
But I know I will
So Holy Spirit hear me and cure me
Before I fall

Oh God, oh God
I give you my broken heart
Oh God, oh God
I give you my broken heart
I give you my broken heart
Oh God

I do not trust you
I do not trust you
Like I say I do
When I need answers
I’m self-reliant
Instead of relying on you

Oh God, oh God
I give you my broken heart
Oh God, oh God
I give you my broken heart
I give you my broken heart
Oh God

Throw my judgment out the window
Teach me how to love more deeply
Grant in me the pure desire
To go blind so I can see
God in everyone
Oh Jesus, humble me

I’m alone, I’m alone
Don’t feel so worthy anymore
Are you sure this is my home
Cause it doesn’t feel like where I’m from

I’m afraid, but you said
That you’re always by my side
In times of triumph and of trial
But I’m caught up in denial

Oh God, oh God
I give you my broken heart
Oh God, oh God
I give you my broken heart
I give you my broken heart
Oh God

Oh God, oh God
I give you my broken heart
Oh God, oh God
I give you my broken heart
I give you my broken heart
Oh God

Broken Heart

I actually wrote this one to practice my ASL!

Lord, if I want to know you
Lord, if I want to see your care
Lord, if I want to hear your voice
I must always realize that you’re there

Lord, this is your castle
I am but a servant trying to prove
Worthy of my master
That is what I’m really asking to do

Lord, to be a disciple
I must follow you and do your will
I must serve others
With the Love I find when my heart is still

Lord, this is your castle
I am but a servant trying to prove
Worthy of my master
That is what I’m really asking to do

Lord, the apostles died for you
Would I do the same if you asked me to
They spread your word like fire
Trusting in your presence to get them through

Pain wasn’t a match for faith
They were tested and they triumphed
Crucified and beaten at the stake
Because they listened to the Son

Lord, if I want to know you

Lord, this is your castle
I am but a servant trying to prove
Worthy of my master
That is what I’m really asking to do

And if building your castle
Is something I really don't want to do
I pray I'll be blessed
And that I'll say yes

Castle

At a request I recorded this song a second time.

So I used to be vegan
Now I'm free again
Thinkin bout what it actually means, friend

To help the animals
Without the rules
I made my revolt
Against a support cult
Where the label mattered more
Than the cause 
I was baited
Into a dietary subreligion
Excommunicated

So why did I cut ties?
I said I guess I'll be a vegan who
Doesn't proselytize
Cause I don't want to be the reason
Someone turns away from Christ

Veganism isn't perfect
But it has a lot to preach
Including doctrines that can't reconcile
With Christianity

It's not immoral to eat meat
God gave us animals to eat

But it's all or nothing
They forever said
Regardless of the suffering
The food is always dead
How can you live with yourself
While you're still consuming corpses
I was tired of the moralistic lies
So I aborted

Where do I go from here?

It's harder on your own
When you don't have a backbone
After rejecting meat is murder
They all think you want a burger
But they're wrong
And you go on
But your vegan label's gone.

And you know the animals still need your help
And these factory farms aren't going to close by themselves
You're stuck in the oblivion
Lost in a billion
Pieces

You've got a broken identity
You're a nameless entity
But this wasn't meant to be
About pride
But eventually
Your superior diet dictates who you are inside
And being able to say you're vegan
Is the first thing on your mind
And it's not veganism's mission
But you subconsciously oblige
So you have to recollect and set all of this aside
I still don't know if I'll ever eat animal products again, I must confide

So I must bid my farewell
As I take this leap of faith
Goodbye label of veganism
Hello freedom of a new day.

Farewell To Veganism II

You gave me the saint to burn
I like playing with fire
We saw him toss and turn
And to this life you aspire

I'm the worshiper
And you're the worshipee
You're so successful
It seems it must be true
You have no need of God
So where does that leave me
Who is my god but you
Who is my god but you

I'll take with me my lust to my grave
I like playing with fire
I know you say it's love
But I feel like I'm a slave
To my own desire

I'd rather be the saint
that I hold in my hands
While I burn him and do nothing
I'd rather take his place
For innocence
I'd rather martyr myself

You see no love in God
So where does that leave me
Who is my god but you
Who is my god but you
Who is my god but you
Who is my god but you

Playing With Fire

Work Sucks

Work sucks
When you're coming later
Work sucks
When we've got a date near
Work sucks
But I've gotta stay here
I'm counting every minute
Just wishing you were in it
And all I want
To think about is you

Work sucks
When you've got an other
Work sucks
When we ain't got each other
Work sucks
We're caught in the crossfire
I'm dying for a witness
I know this is my weakness
The only witness
I'll accept is you

This is temptation
And I'm so above it
The Lord Jesus Christ
Will come save us from it
This my sacrifice
Is for my beloved
I'll bear this deprivation
To pray for your salvation
And work will suck
But I'll be loving you

Work Sucks

I am a stem cell pressured to divide
So I listen, and wholeheartedly off I go
But then I regret, Es tut mir Leid
¿Por qué me arrepiento?
(I'm just living out my life)

¿Quién seré yo?
Ya no soy nada
Solo una chica perdida y cansada
My life in front of me
My languages, my weirdness,
my Catholic conversion, my whiteness,

"Constantly changing,
Constantly improving,"
Dominos pizza making,
special education tutoring,
my goosiness, my songwriting,
my traditionalism, my arguing,

my twin, our adoption,
my year as a vegan,
my Asperger's diagnosis that finally got in,

my almost 3 years at Davis,
finding myself again at Grossmont,
my dreams of being a mother,
my dreams of joining the convent -

Which of these is who I am?
I'm honestly just another grain in the sand

I am a stem cell pressured to decide
Desgarrada entre mis opciones
(Can't please everyone,) but of course I tried
I pursued God for months
But he never gave his consent
So I got myself a novio and ditched the utopian convent

I am a stem cell pressured to stay a stem cell
But I will do whatever I please and hope it ends well
I am Jennifer, I am Jen
I was also Jenée
And Francis at my baptism
I am a dynamic individual
Or that's how I like to phrase it
I'm an unorganized mosaic
And since my story has more pages,

Thanks to recordingstudios.bz for the beat.

Lo Que Soy

Special thanks to my friend recordingstudios.bz for providing the sick beat and making my stuff sound professional.

Warning, this song gets really sassy and might offend Osasians.*

Now that you're saved
Do you feel free?
Free to flock with the devils
Wherever they may be?
To engage temptation
But to do so prudently?
Steps in sync with the sinners
But you've been redeemed

Talking their talk
And walking their walk
You know you're better than them
Cause you got the mark of the King
Goodbye Ten Commandments
His blood is all you need
He died on the cross
So you could live as you please
Is this truly what it means to be free?

Like your average friend
God's always rootin' for you
He'll support your endeavors
It doesn't matter what you do!

But wait.

When the Samaritan sinned
She humbled herself in His presence
"Go and sin no more"
Was her forgiveness and her penance

You got the Savior as your homie
But you run from the cross
When He gives it to you
You tell Him to get lost

So go break our hearts
With your false notions of freedom
Walking down the broad road
Thinking you're going to the Kingdom

So go throw aside
The true Jesus of the Bible
Cause "Once saved always saved"
Just doesn't fly for a disciple

*Those who believe "Once Saved Always Saved" aka Eternal Security aka Future-Sin Forgiveness

Antinomianism

We cannot rely on mere mortals to satisfy our souls. When we do, we are buying an illusion we will likely later regret. Written in 2013.

For my father and my mother have left me: but the Lord hath taken me up. -Psalm 27:10, RHE

Would you care if you found out
All I’m living for had been lost
Would you care as I care for you
When you’re stuck and self-possessed
Would you love me as a friend in need
In times of hurt and of betrayal
You know that when you’re down
I’ll always be around

Refrain:
Would you care
Or am I just alone in this world
We’re on separate planets like we noticed before
Our friendship has gone right out the door
People wonder what I’m still fighting for
They say I should accept it’s the end
But I say a best friend is a best friend
I’m stubborn and I need to move on
But I don’t know how

Would you lie and say you’re fine
If I asked you if you’re all right
Would you cry once again
And leave me up worrying about you at night
Would you care for a friend in need
In times of hurt and of betrayal
You know that when I’m down
I’ve got nowhere to run

Refrain

I know you have work to do, but I do too
When I’ve got nowhere to run, I run to you
But when you turn your back on me, I’ve lost myself

Would You Care

Oldie but goodie, inspired by a Hawaii trip I made in high school.

See em stop fo em
Evryone likes em
Says they love em 
They don't try to impress
Life inn't a test 
It's a game
You win by just stayin sane

And the people 
Fins up Fins up and snorkels 
against the tide 
They try to make their own ride 

That slippery slope
You ain't gettin nowhere
Trudgin along 
and singin your own song 
Can't go livin life
back in the bleachers
Retreat to the tide 
and the turtles the teachers

But the turtles 
They don't care
They rather be where there are some
Like the beavers
They don't give a dam 

Come close and hold em 
They just come and they go 
Hang loose with the current 
They just go with the flow
They just glide and they smile
That's a turtle's lifestyle
They don't brace themselves, no 
Don't show off, they just show

They so chill So chill 
W/ bodies a steel 
They just gliide and smile
Glide and smile
And they're off.

Written June 30, 2011

Turtles

Run to You

Lord Jesus why do I stay away?
Why is the devil so successful
in triumphing over me?

Why does it have to be this way?
Why can’t I see the love that you give me
and offer it back to you?

You offer me new life
but I take you for granted
so Father let me grow
from the seed you’ve planted

I want to run to you
when I’m caught up in a storm
and when I’m at the highest canopies
to see how much I’ve grown

I want to run to you
without a shadow of a doubt
In the driest of the deserts
your name I want to shout

Lord Jesus why do I close my lips
closing off my stony heart
from listening to your voice?

Why does it have to be like this?
Why can’t I praise the God who’s in me
and make the responsible choice?

You offer me new life
but from your path I’ve parted
so Spirit in me ignite
the fire that you’ve started

I want to run to you
when I’m caught up in a storm
and when I’m at the highest canopies
to see how much I’ve grown

I want to run to you
without a shadow of a doubt
In the driest of the deserts
your name I want to shout

Jesus, Jesus
When I don’t know what to say
hear me cry out

Jesus, Jesus
Your name above everything
This I will shout

Jesus, Jesus
When I don’t know what to say
hear me cry out

Jesus, Jesus
Your name above everything
Your name above everything

I want to run to you
I want to run to you
I want to run to you
Run to you

Written June 13, 2018

Run To You

Let There Be Light

Let there be light
Light of the world
Word became flesh
Broken for us
Use us for good
Good will to men
Amen

You found us in the darkness
Chasing after wind
You were tempted and tortured
And died for our sins
Three days you remained there
Then rose in the light
The light of the world

Let there be light
Light of the world
Word became flesh
Broken for us
Use us for good
Good will to men
Amen

We sing holy holy holy
You answer us with awesome deeds
The hope of all the ends of the earth
And of those far off across the sea

We sing holy holy holy
You answer us with awesome deeds
The hope of all the ends of the earth
And of those far off across the sea

You found us in the darkness
Chasing after wind
You were tempted and tortured
And died for our sins
Three days you remained there
Then rose in the light
The light of the world

Let there be light
Light of the world
Word became flesh
Broken for us
Use us for good
Good will to men
Amen
Amen

Written September 30, 2017

Let There Be Light

Online beats, piano, guitar, and vocals go a long way. I like writing intense music and glorifying God.

Jennifer Writes Music

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