Blast from the past
A song I wrote twenty years ago, hence the photo (photographer Bjørnar Haaland)
Re-recorded in 2021. Originally an acoustic guitar driven piece, but I replaced the guitar part with piano instead.

All my own

I’ve been trying for so long
to get somewhere
but it’s like I’m running to stand still
And all the things I know
and all the things I do
nothing adds up anymore
And I don’t feel a thing
I don’t feel a thing

I’ve been trying all my life
to get away
running, always being scared
And all things I show you
and all the things I say
just a perfect act for you to see
But I feel nothing
but I feel nothing

So what if I went out to and threw
it all away
Nothing would change, never will
So much I’ve learned
so much I’ve gained
but I’m tired of always being scared
I want to feel  real love
I want to feel real love

To surrender is not always a defeat
To give up is not always giving in

I’m screaming at your name
trying to place the blame
but in the end there’s nothing to forgive
I’m just a little child
running away to hide
but I’m praying for only one thing
I want to feel
real love (something)
I want to feel

Untitled

Umber

We were wrong

The stories that we’ve told them
we put on a great show
We’ve made everyone believe
but now everything must go
But all I want to do is run
All I want to do is hide

We told ourselves and made ourselves
forget how to feel 
And they never got to see what’s lost
between concrete and steel
But all I want to do is run
All I want to do is hide
Why don’t you release me?

But how can anyone tell?
I am you, but you are not me
Fighting everyone and yourself
There will be no victory
All I want to do is run
Why don’t you release me?

Release me

BOS Theme

To små barnehender

Ingenting er for lite

Innerst Inne

For et par uker siden la jeg ut låta "Innerst Inne". Denne låta er på mange måter et tilsvar på den.

Skyggeboksing

Selv synes jeg låta har et uttrykk som om Leonard Cohen møter Kari Bremnes. Litt annereledes enn hva jeg gjort før dette. Men det er spennende å utforske uvante stier.

Ikke din skyld

Låta "Skyggeboksing" var opprinnelig tenkt å ha engelsk tekst. Men det skjedde ikke. I denne låta har jeg brukt den engelske teksten. Lettvint sagt kan man si at låta tar utgangspunktet i utsagnet om at den verste kritkeren er en sjøl.

My Greatest Enemy

All my songs are personal, but this one stands out. At least for me now. I wanted to write a song about struggling with PTSD. I'm not asking for pitty, my struggle is my own and I'm getting there. I'm just a bit fed up with the preduice, the looks people give you when you're having mental problems. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

Break Free

Lyrics:

Do you see only what you wanna see?
Do you feel only what you wanna feel?
You tell each lie like it’s the truth
and no one can see the tears in your eyes

It’s the fragments of living
the pieces we fight for
And we bend and we break
with each breath that we take
not giving up

Do I hide from you or just from me?
Do I fear the truth or just the lie?
The pregnant silence screams for us all
and no one can see the tears in our eyes

It’s the fragments of living
the pieces we fight for
And we bend and we break
with each breath that we take
not giving up

It’s the fragments of living
the pieces we fight for
And we bend and we break
with each breath that we take
not giving up

Fragments

You don't need to say you're sorry (demo version)

A re-recording of a song I wrote back in 2002/2003, called Burning Bridges. 

Lyrics:

Watch the bridges burn
swallowed by the great sea
I almost made it
but 
there's no room for me
You're such a bad liar
you should believe yourself
But
I can't trust you anymore

Watch the pages turn
it's more than a shame
You almost made it
but
I'll forget your name
You're so beautiful blind
you should close your eyes
But I can't see you anymore

This used to be our home
This used to be our love
This used to be our faith
But I can't see you anymore

Burning Bridges

Why don’t you tell me
								
You say that I’m forgiven
but you say you won’t forget
How’s that absolution,
granting amnesty for every grudge you hold?

You say you’re done with me
but you’re not going anywhere
How’s that redemption,
like breaking without leaving, the cage?

So why don’t you tell me what you want me to see?
So why don’t you tell me what you want me to feel?

I fought all your battles, 
but I guess I lost the war
You say it’s all over, 
but you just won’t leave your trench 

We fought to break free
claiming it our free will
we call it liberation
but we’re just adding to our chains

So why don’t you tell me what you want me to see?
So why don’t you tell me what you want me to feel?

You say you’re fine with it
but I can see the scars on both of your wrists
So why don’t you just tell me...

So why don’t you tell me what you want me to see?
So why don’t you tell me what you want me to feel?

If you all excuse me I forgot to take my pill today
that’s why I’m acting a little strange and a little out of tune

Why don't you tell me

Lyrics:

When you call my name
										19.05.18

 When you call my name
it will be too late
‘cause I’m no longer here

We both share the same blood
does that really count for anything?
does that really count for anything?

If you want to try to make amends
I’m afraid you’ve lost your chance

All the things that have been said and done
they mean nothing to me now
they mean nothing to me now

When you  call my name
it will be in vain
‘cause I’ve already left

What’s forgiveness anyway  
the damage’s already done
the damage can’t be undone

 
So if you fall down on your knees to pray
trying God one more time

The only thing that you’ll ever hear
is 
the echo and the silence of my name
the echo and the silence of my name

When you call my name

Music has always been my refuge. At the age of six I found myself in front of the piano, couldn’t play, couldn’t sing, but I just jumped into it anyway. Music was my playground. Growing up and of course learning how to play, song writing became even more important and even more fun. But then about 10 years ago, I lost my mojo, so to speak. I thought anything I did was just shit, and I thought everything I did sounded the same. It went on like that for years. But three years ago something happened. The darkness I was trying to run away from, trying to ignore, was catching up and it almost swallowed me. So I started therapy, conventional therapy. And all the locks came undone and a world of hidden thoughts and forgotten feelings came crashing in. In a way, I started to feel again. And I started to write songs again. Though conventional therapy is indeed helpful, I wouldn’t be without it, for a guy who has learn how to feel again, learn to express and even name those forgotten feelings, music became a lifesaving outlet. This is song is an effort to capture what music has meant for me and a way to express that making music nowadays always feels like coming home.

Coming Home

I’d lost myself to darkness
but I found a light in you 
And in your room I found that 
I could finally break through
Healing without speaking
no words could set me free


I might believe I’m nothing
but I’m nothing without you
I don’t need to fight this battle
There was no one here but me
Only to surrender
will be my victory
 
 
I hear you calling, love
calling my name
I am coming home, love 
I’ll leave it all behind

Now I’ll be free of all
no hiding in my shame
I run into your arms
Surrender all my pain 

I hear you calling, love
calling my name
I am coming home, love 
I’ll leave it all behind

Coming Home

This is only song that I wrote while I was being hospitalized for three months. It’s a song about daring to open up, about breaking free from the clutches of shame. It’s about a kid who finally clenches his tiny fists, looking back at years of abuse. It’s about a man who’s ready to receive instead of always trying to make it on his own.

If I could 

If I really could surrender
If I really could  let it go
But you would run away
If you could see, the true me
If you could feel, the true me 

If I could truly give you a chance
If I could try to let you understand
But I just keeping adding 
bricks to the wall
Is this really the true me?
Does this have to be me the true me?

If I could, really let you love me
If I could tell you that I love you
Maybe you wouldn’t run
If you got to see the true me
If you got to feel the true me

If I could

Lyrics

Is this home?
is this love?
can I finally break the last chain
What is this pain
is it real
is it the sound of armour falling to the ground?

Is this safe?
Is this hope?
Can I finally let the light in?
What is this hurt?
It burns deep
is it the smell of darkness finally giving in?

Is this grace?
Is this true?
Can I finally let myself believe?
What is this pain?
it’s the relief
it’s the sound of armour falling to the ground

Is this home?

Are we still brothers

Saints

I wanted to do something darker, but perhaps not as melancholic as I usually do. The attitude of the lyrics are more like "I don't care anymore, this world's going down the drain. Ignorance is bliss."  With that backdrop I wanted the music to a bit industrial, but catchy. Was I going for sexy? Anyway, hope you enjoy it.

I’m trying to get in
I’m trying to get out
But I’m still stuck in between 
The concrete and steel
I don’t believe your truth
I don’t believe your lies
No matter what you say
It’s all fake news

I’m trying to get in
I’m trying to get out
There’s no room for cowards here
Only those who will fight
Everyone’s liar
Everyone’s a whore
Please do remind me
What the hell we’re fighting for

I’m trying to leave 
I’m trying to stay
But I’m still looking for that place
the place to call home
Everyone’s a prophet
And everyone’s a star
If you ask too many questions
You just won’t get far

I see the light is fading
I’m happy to go blind
It’s all just bread and circus
I’m losing my mind

How many revolutions
to change the human heart
They call it progress
But we never left the starts
Nothing’s gonna change 
I’ve seen it all before
In this beautiful world
something’s rotten to the core 

I’m getting nowhere now
I’m still standing still
It’s getting hard to breathe
Between the concrete and steel 
You know I fought the angel 
And I thought I was free
Now I’ve come to realize
The monster was me

I see the light is fading
I’m happy to go blind
It’s all just bread and circus
I’m losing my mind

Trying to get out

The clock is ticking
you’re not going anywhere
you can’t close your eyes this time
Familiar demon, a worn out welcome
Are you searching for that which you already lost? 

Are you wasting
or are you out of time?
What is that you think you’ll find?
The clock is ticking
you know they’re waiting
you know you can’t close your eyes this time

Oh, no you’re fall into the deep now
and everthing is crashing down around you

The nightmare’s over
trying to wake up
jumping at every move they make
You’re still looking 
for that exit sign
but you can’t escape the blood in your veins

The war you’re fighting 
no one will ever see it
Your heart and head is not connected
Four white walls, your confinement
is this your  final lifeline?

I know the feeling creeps inside you
like no one’s ever there to finally heal you
But I’m right here and
I’m not gonna leave you
Just take my hand and we’ll hang togehter

Hang On

its the lies that keep

Lyrics:


So you think you’ll save me
telling me about the saviour, the prophet
and God’s neverending love
So you think you’ll teach me
this thing about forgiveness
but there’s nothing to forgive

If I could understand
what’s going on in your head
maybe then 
it wouldn’t hurt this much
If you could really see
what you have done to me
maybe then you’d shut your mouth for once

I’d be lying if  I told you
I don’t really miss you
you know, 
I have been doing just fine on my own
I guess one day they’ll call me
and tell me that you’re gone
when you leave will I finally be free

If I could understand
what’s going on in your head
maybe then 
it wouldn’t hurt this much
If you could really see
what you have done to me
maybe then you’d shut your mouth for once


I think I’ve had it
with your drinking
your excuses
and your hazy ways of things
So why don’t you just head off to bed
and hide your head in the sand
like you always do

Shut your mouth

As a kid I used to do this all the time, just playing around with a few themes and just let whatever happened happen.

Crazy times (piano impro.)

Lyrics

Sometimes I feel like the road home
isn’t long enough
Getting out and away, but I always come crawling back to
Maybe just once
just one
I could breathe
without you

Sometimes I feel
like the nights with you aren’t safe enough
Sleeping in the same bed, 
but waking up to different mornings
Maybe once
just once
we could breathe
just breathe

You keep asking me for reasons why
as if pain was a measure
of who’s right and wrong
All the things you wanted me to be
I’m sorry but I am, I’m sorry but I am not  

Sometimes I feel like I’m not really here
So close, but so faraway
like you never got to know me
and it hurts
to think
what might have been
what might have been

The Road Home

The first version of this song that I uploaded was missing the piano, so I uploaded it again.

How we live today

Singer/Songwriter. Sometimes I do make electronic music.
I care more about the process than the end result...
All songs here to be considered demos only

Johan Fredrik Holst

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