The struggle and choice of 
being open and honest with people/someone/anyone, but possibly being humiliated or hated 
or 
being distant from people, but subject to self destructive thoughts and behaviours

Written: 19th February 2015

██████ LYRICS ██████
VERSE 1
Blood pressure raging inside
without pressure around
just amidst all these people
with me not making a sound


PRE-CHORUS 1
I want to share my soul
but would you really want to know?


CHORUS
I lived my life alone 
distant from people
and got by, I got by
but now my thoughts are
tearing me up inside
don’t want lies
I need life


VERSE 2
I sing songs 
and sound insightful
like someone who seems great 
but if you saw behind my veil
you may turn your love to hate
one day we’ll find out

PRE-CHORUS 2
I want to share my soul
but would you really want to know
all of my struggles 
and breath awkward air



BRIDGE
Jesus help me kill this pride in me
that keeps this false image up
I want to live in the light
God just help me through tonight


██████ MEANING ██████
VERSE 1
Anxiety and/or depressed amidst a friendly group of people


PRE-CHORUS 1
I want to open up about what’s going on inside, but would they really want to know? I don’t think so…


CHORUS 1
So, I’ve lived life alone and distant (though amidst people). I’ve gotten by through various shallow personas I put up, to conform to social norms, and giving people the version of me I think they would want to see. But I’m struggling to keep up the act. But if I was to open up I don’t want it to be in a crowd or with someone I don’t know will tell me truth. I want life not someones faulty honest opinions or narrow minded mottos. I need connection, truth, love, God.


VERSE 2
What I do may bring some awe, but who I am is so much more that the things I do. If you really knew me, you might not like me. In the end all things will be revealed. (Luke 8:17 - For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.)


PRE-CHORUS 2
I want to open up about what’s going on inside, but would they really want to know all of the things I’m dealing with? It will be awkward if they feel forced to care about my personal struggle that they can’t do anything about and/or think nothing of it. Or they lack wisdom in such sensitive personal areas that they are irrational and I completely cut them off emotionally.


BRIDGE
Jesus, help me kill this part of me that cares so much about me
I want to live in your ways, of honesty, integrity and love
God help me through tonight to not turn inwardly (to myself) for strength and solutions. For that will lead me to doing things in a fleshly, sinful way or to me killing myself out of depression from utter hopelessness.


Naked Or Alone

With so many thoughts in life I try and just not think about them by keeping myself busy or amused with entertainment. But I need to slow down and think things through in light of God’s truth, to really absorb and believe it. Similar to the analogy of sharpening the axe to chop down a tree, instead of trying to cut a tree down with a blunt axe.


WRITTEN: 31st August 2015

________LYRICS________

VERSE 1
Sometimes I find
my mind just breaking down
and I don’t even know where 
these crippling thoughts are from

I try to block them out 
with work and entertainment
but now I’m in the real world and
I don’t know what to do


PRE-CHORUS 1
I don’t know what to do


CHORUS 1
So I’ll slow down and
wait here for a little while
catch my breath and 
preach truth to my heart

So I’ll slow down and
wait here for a little while
catch my breath and 
preach truth to my heart
till I believe it


VERSE 2
Jesus, how can I live for You
when I keep trying my way and
fail all the more

help me believe
in the depths of who I am
as I renew my mind
and keep You in my daily life


PRE-CHORUS 2
I need You in my daily life


INTERLUDE
Yeah, till I believe it
I’ll preach truth to my heart
but so many things try
and get in the way

BRIDGE
TV’s calling my name
with alpha waves that
keep deep thoughts at bay
in all of the fantasy worlds
but it never really helped me anyway

Work is calling my name 
to be efficient in productive play
and worshipping all the things I can do
but it never really helped me anyway


Slow Down

Despite all the things this world has to offer, if I don’t have God guiding my life daily I have nothing. “for without Him, who can eat or find enjoyment?” Ecclesiastes 2:25

Written: 1st November 2015

VERSE 1
So many good songs to hear
but I have no music in me
I know all about Your love
but I don’t feel it in me


PRE-CHORUS 1
This world has nothing at all
maybe I’ll end it all


CHORUS
Cause without Your Spirit 
guiding me, I’m incomplete
nothing feels the same

Cause without Your Spirit 
guiding me, I’m incomplete
nothing feels the same
than when You were with me


VERSE 2
So many blessings around
but I have no interest in them
and all of my distractions prove
the emptiness in me


PRE-CHORUS 2
This world has nothing for me at all
maybe I’ll end it all


BRIDGE
I want You my way but
that’s not who You are
I am a child You’re my God
I could drum a feeling up 
but I know it’s not You
I’ll meet You in the quiet place


END CHORUS
but when I have Your Spirit
guiding me, I feel complete
nothing feels the same
when I have Your Spirit 
guiding me, I am complete
nothing feels the same
now that Your here with me


Incomplete

A song of self examination. All the good intentions I have towards God don’t really mean much if I don’t act upon them as a lifestyle. I question if I really do want to do the things I tell myself I want to do. 

Written: 25th March 2016

VERSE 1
I want to spend my time with You
but I just seem to forget
and fall asleep to some tune
I want to look unto Your Word
but it just seems to collect dust 
cause what You said
I think I’ve already learnt


PRE-CHORUS
I want to do so many things 
but I don’t


CHORUS
Do I really want to know You
am I a living sacrifice for You
are my intentions just a lie
so empty


VERSE 2
I want to live inside Your will
but I just do what I want
I think it’s okay
I want to die unto myself
but I’m still so afraid of life
I love myself


BRIDGE
As great as my failures are
You always are 
a greater forgiver
In the end truth will find itself out
if my weakness drives me to Your feet 
and all my actions change
because Your love
seems to compel me

END CHORUS
So do I really want to know You
am I a living sacrifice for You
are my intentions just a lie
so empty

██████ MEANING ██████

VERSE 1
I want to set aside time to spend in prayer and seeking God (usually at night). But my time just slips away as I do other things. Before I know it it’s bedtime and I usually get to sleep listening to music (or a sermon segment…).
I want to read the Bible but I never seem to pick it up because I tend to trust myself in what to do, or see what google has to say. Yet I don’t regularly read the Bible.


PRE-CHORUS
I want to do so many “Christian” things but I don’t


CHORUS
Do I really want to know God? Am I a living a self denying life in love for God? Are my intentions to follow Jesus a lie I tell myself? Is my faith just empty words?

VERSE 2
I want to live according to what God wants, but I find I just live however I see fit. Without prayer, reading the Bible or seeking Godly counsel. I want to die to self and love God and others but out of fear (analysis paralysis and/or self preservation) I don’t do anything. I care for myself more than others.  


BRIDGE
As great as my failures are God is a greater forgiver to forgive all my sins. Though, in the end (judgement day or the end of myself) truth will be revealed. I’ll be revealed as a Christian if I recognise my sin ,am humbled by God and repent of my sin unto righteousness, seeing God’s great love towards me. In contrast i’ll be revealed to be a false convert of Christianity if I excuse my sin, am proud, and continue in sinful behaviour.

Intentions

Seeking and expecting perfection from myself is an overbearing way of life. In Jesus we are made perfect.

Written: 19th April 2016

VERSE 1
I’m trying to live a life the best I can
so I won’t be criticised again
but it’s too hard to act perfect
I’m just destroying myself in the end


PRE-CHORUS
They say You’re the everlasting love
I’ve always needed
but I’ve kept You so distant from my mind
and perfect expectations


VERSE 2
Keeping my life to myself
inadequacies are all around
I struggle to accept positives
and every suggestion brings me down


CHORUS 
but when I look into Your life
I see that you humbled Yourself
and died on the cross for me
when I see my faulty life
I turn and see Your perfect enough
now I don’t have to be


BRIDGE
Keep me from the lies of the enemy
take my mind and fill it with Your love
the law has its place
but the Gospel’s stronger

████ MEANING ████

VERSE 1
I’m trying to live perfectly so I won’t be thought to be stupid, incompetent, lazy, thoughtless, sinful etc. But trying to do things for the sake of keeping up a masquerade is exhausting because it’s impossible. Living disingenuously causes damage to myself.


PRE-CHORUS
God is love but I’ve kept away from God when I feel like I’m imperfect and displeasing to Him. I need love but I want perfection.


VERSE 2
In the awareness of falling short in everything I isolate myself as to reduce the imperfections. It’s hard to accept anything good from others when I feel unworthy of anything. When I’m striving for perfection, and achieving in to some degree, little corrections add a large burden to my expectations of myself and/or cause depression because it’s one more thing I cannot do.


CHORUS 
When I look into God’s life in the Bible, I see He came to us imperfect, sinful people and died in our place. When I see my imperfections, I repent (turn from my sin) and turn to God’s work that made me have a perfect standing in God’s eyes and that makes me perfect in the process of sanctification that will not be complete until I get to heaven.


BRIDGE
Keep me from lies that force me to think wrongly about God. God take my mind and fill it with who You are and Your love, that I may not go astray. God’s law is good to show our imperfection but the work of Jesus is the fulfilment of the law. In His grace we are perfect, not under law or our works.


Heart Matters

Perfect

Living for self, kills me. In dying to myself I find life.

Written: 15th May 2016

LYRICS

VERSE 1
Seeking my life holding it dear
whatever happened to what I had here
throughout my days keeping it safe
it slipped through my fingers


PRE-CHORUS
Then You tell me that I should 
give up everything of me
to gain my life I loose it


VERSE 2
All things in my life are gifts that You give
I hold them tight but then have no life to live
seeking the feelings, searching for meaning
but no joy, no reason


CHORUS
So I’ll give You everything
and die to my selfishness
and give You control
please sanctify my faulty soul


BRIDGE
take my will and all desires
conform them to what You like and
take my heart and fill it up with
righteousness while feeling loved
take my vessel it’s wearing out 
You promised me a new one 
when this breaks down
take my sins, replace them with the 
pure life of Your Son 
tell me I’m forgiven

Time To Die (Surrender)

We make believe everything is okay when it is not. God wants us to admit our weaknesses and be healed.

Written: 30th July 2016

VERSE 1
We want to look good
we want to seem strong
building our castle walls tall


CHORUS 1
Though we’re weak and 
struggling in our hearts
we block the feelings and 
make believe we’re strong
we make believe we’re strong


VERSE 2
Say the right words and
do the right things 
with wrong intentions
fake it till 
we make a hollow shell


PRE-CHORUS 
Oh God You see my heart 
and all things I’m going through
You want me in the light
and to be cleansed by You


CHORUS 2
Cause I’m weak and
struggling in my heart
I block the feelings and
make believe I’m strong
I make believe I’m strong


BRIDGE
Take away air and I’d be dead
take away love,
I’d meet the same end
I keep running away
if I acknowledge pain
there can be healing
Oh God I need You


██████ MEANING ██████
We easily hide our expressions that show weakness, to protect us emotionally. It’s terrifying to be vulnerable and easier (short term) to just pretend we are fine. In hiding weaknesses we also hinder healing processes to the point where it becomes a normal part of us. But in acknowledging and admitting our inability to do something on our own we can get help and grow from it.

Make Believe

Often we have expectations upon ourselves and others that consider us more like machines that can easily be changed without any regard for personhood. 

Our emotions and human interaction can often be illogical, inefficient, impractical and even impersonal, but we can’t just brush them aside. I need to work at being a human, accepting the craziness that my emotions and others can be and not have the expectations I would put on a machine.

We need to regard our (and others) emotions because we are humans. 

Written: 4th September 2016

VERSE 1
I don’t want to think about pain here
I make it go away right now
but I still remember, it always returns
and I’m running out of bandaids

PRE-CHORUS 1
But to heal my wounds 
something tells me

CHORUS
This is gonna take some time
deliberate change in my life
cause I’m human
not a machine

VERSE 2
High expectations, I think I do my best
when I take my emotions away and get the goal done
constant achievements, always overworking
empathy is killed inside

PRE-CHORUS 2
To fix priorities 
something tells me

VERSE 3
Learning to live on empty fumes
alternate sources of love to carry on
fantasy people, unhealthy addictions
while I ignore my human needs

PRE-CHORUS 3
But to change my ways
something tells me

BRIDGE
I’ve been living my life like a machine
just rules and logic
but I’m just left unhappy
treating myself like a machine
but I have emotions
and I need to address such things


██████ MEANING ██████

VERSE 1
I just want pain (emotional and physical) to go away. Despite all my quick fixes the pain returns because I didn’t fix the cause, I only treated a shallow symptom.

CHORUS
I need more time to intentionally process feelings, have perspective on life and feed my emotional and physical human needs. 

VERSE 2
When work is the priority, people are disregarded as people.

VERSE 3
We seek all kinds of things to make us feel loved. Pursuing the feeling over the reality of love.

BRIDGE
I’ve been living out of rules and logic but such things are faulty to bring joy. I have emotions that need to be acknowledged, thought through and addressed at the source.

Human (Not a Machine)

The self perpetuating trap of silence brings all kinds of death to oneself. Something that I’ve had great difficulty with. This song addresses “you” but I probably should have addressed myself.

“Open rebuke is better that hidden love.” Proverbs 27:5

Written: 16th December 2016

VERSE 1
Don’t you speak your mind
it’s not polite
Keep the peace they said
but didn’t mean yours

CHORUS 
Isolated from life
and learnt to live with it
put aside the feelings
to self destructive ends

VERSE 2
You don’t think you can be yourself
all the torment your own
people just want a good time
but you stand alone

BRIDGE
Your broken but nobody
ever knows your pain
deceptions keep building up
irrational ways

OUTRO
Open ears never felt so good
when that’s all you needed
to believe you’re understood
has stopped the bleeding

██████ MEANING ██████
VERSE 1
For the sake of getting along, some people don’t voice their thoughts and opinions, fearing a conflicting encounter. Sharing such things about yourself helps you be connected with others. But when someone is constantly silent they build up various emotions, there can be an appearance of peace but not within oneself.

CHORUS 
With a silent lifestyle you become an outsider to living and you’ve learnt to deal with it yourself. Putting aside the negative feelings build up from isolation is possible with various unhealthy behaviours and addictions.

VERSE 2
The trap of silence makes you think you are on your own and every one of your struggles (or just the struggle to speak) is not to be talked about. Generally people want to have positive encounters, but being around people (who want to enjoy the encounter with you and others) is only confirmation of your distance. People have no idea on what’s going on.

BRIDGE
Your broken but nobody ever knows your emotional pain. The lies you believe build up false ideas, in turn feeding irrational ways of life that only distance you more.

OUTRO
Having someone who will actually listen to you patiently, with empathy, feels great. Sometimes that’s all you need. Walls are broken down from emotional isolation. To feel like someone understands you puts an end to the, seemingly impossible to cure, pain you feel.

Silence is Deathening

For Ariel :)

Written: 11th December 2017

VERSE 1
People talk to me
but never seem to understand
or they want to know it all
and break the damn
but even though you ask 
the same things of me
well, it’s all so different

CHORUS
The things you say
are a comfort to me
your spirit sees my 
frail hearts complexities
we may hurt each other
but I won’t give up
cause God will be leading us

VERSE 2
We’re on this journey
still unsure of the end
through awkwardness we’ll draw
close in respect
the possible future awakens me
cause it’s all so different

BRIDGE
no you don’t know all of me
and sometimes we’re left in silence
but I love those times
and the words you write
we’re not perfect 
but I think you’re perfect for me

yeah I know 
that sounds kind of selfish

TTYS

The things you say (TTYS)

Written 28th May 2012
Recorded 8th June 2012
took 15 hours to record

To appreciate the cure we must know we have the sickness

LYRICS

VERSE 1
when you wake up from the sounds
distancing you with mundane competitions
from the only things that matter
in a dying world

PRE-CHORUS 1
you can't take your car or house
or your friends or your family
you will leave when you least expect
and you will be alone

CHORUS
when you close your eyes tonight
dream of a place without any grace or light
no rest no friends, when you've got no needs met you will search it out forever
but you won't see another sunrise

VERSE 2
He made everything so what can we do
to make up for all our neglect and rebellion
it's our nature that's offensive
to the God who freely gives

PRE-CHORUS 2
you won't have your movies, games or songs
or your food or your sanity
you will leave when you least expect
and you will be alone (repeat line)

BRIDGE
So you fear God's wrath?
well that's good so do the demons
So you know God's Word?
well that's good so does Satan
So you help people?
Well that's great so does the Devil
So you said the sinners prayer
but nothings changed

no nothing has changed!
tell me what do we do now?!

Close your eyes and dream 
of a world without heaven
cause that's where you'll be 
with a mind turned off to the truth
of a Holy God

Embrace the reality of Hell, and live

I make songs to remind myself and others of Christian teaching.

I Started playing Drums in 2003, Guitar in 2008 and started recording songs in 2009. I play and mix regularly at my Church.

I also make animations and finished a BA in Character animation. You can see my animations through my website.

Jonathan. M. Lam

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