Dirty Kid December (ft. Goose)

doing that thing again where I review old recordings and find I like them a lot more than when they were recorded. this one is a song very close to my heart, and a favorite to sing. 

my voice has changed now due to T, but this was recorded sometime last fall. 

Cassidy

Recorded in December 2018 in a parking lot by then "Cricket & the Troubadours"
Cricket Beanjammer - guitar and vocals
unnamed man - djembe
(there are some weird jams at the end but I'm posting for nostalgia)

Hitchin’ up the coast
Hope you love me the most
Every entanglement’s a filthy mess
I’m sorry for the loss
Of your faith in us
But I better start learning how to be good to the ones that love me.

We suffer and we love another
Hiking city streets all awe and wonder
I forgot how to give, I took and took I did
And I’m sorry
I’m sorry, thought I had to be


‘Bout an hour ago 
I saw that kid I know
Finally reared their head and followed
I’ve been in a haze
And it’s been more than days
Just trying to get my bearings on and figure out what’s around me

We suffer and we love another
We fight, we plead and we do discover
I forgot where I’ve been, my choice the things I did
But I’m alright
I’m alright, I had to be

And don’t you forget about the hard days
It was them that brought me to the soil
And I hope that we travel a long ways
I was burning up trying to feel whole

To Love & To Suffer (2018 demos)

Recorded outside New Avenues for Youth in December 2018
Cricket Beanjammer - guitar and vocals 
(this was right after I had started writing this)

I don’t mean to disappoint you
but I know you have your own ideas 
‘bout who I am and what I need to do
I don’t mean to worry you
but I’ve been sleeping on the street
drunk and waiting for 9am to eat

Ooooooooooooh
Ooooooooooooh

I don’t mean to be rude
but I don’t belong to you and
you don’t know me you never had a clue
I don’t mean to be the black sheep
you never wanted but I know
you hide my picture in the closet

Picture In The Closet (2018 demos)

A more dramatic retelling of the time I totaled my car when I was 16, still yearning for escape from The Moratorium
Recorded by me in a park shelter July 2020

When I was sixteen
I was manic and impulsive,
uninsured and underfunded
I had grand schemes
Racing thoughts of all the things I’d say
The world is wide and beckoning
Spending every night alone
in that crowded filthy home
And I swear the grass is greener
any fucking other place than this

Thought things won’t go wrong
if I take 35 up all the way to Franklin avenue
In the city, people don’t care all the
fucked-up things you do
Slept with men for drugs
I'd spend hundreds just for fun
And I swear I would be sorry 
if I ever find the sense I lost

Pissed my pants on Stevens Ave
Fucked up the only route I had
To get the hell out of Minnesota
I need to get the hell out of here

Matter of time before it all caved in
and reality was setting in
On a Sunday night driving in a Liberty
I turned and smashed some other cars
Reckless falling down
Car parts on the ground
And I swear it threw me in a mess
I have hardly recovered from

Streetlight smoke carry me away
I don’t know how I can live today
There’s a lock on the hellhouse door
and for three days 
I haven’t gotten off the
floor

Sixteen (july park sessions)

a narrative about realizing I had romanticized life outside The Moratorium, and true healing would take work I wasn't prepared for (daaaamn this trauma way more deep rooted than I thought)
recorded by me in my home (Oct 2020)
written January 2018 in a condo in Utah for a field geology course

There’s no city without shame
there aren’t streets without pain
But I’ve been waiting around my damn life
to go and live my prize
for surviving
start thriving
stop the every day
dying

But that’s not how the story goes.

I didn’t arrive lifted up on the shoulders of new loves
It’s much more bleak
I talk to maybe one or two people a week
If I get out at all
If I get out at all

There’s no city without shame
There aren’t streets without pain
But if I wear a yellow jacket in the rain
Maybe I can shed some disdain
Maybe I can learn to be okay the same

St. George, UT (drunk sad sesh)

A song about holding it together, failing to hold it together, and deciding to not regret the outcome of your missteps. 
Edited raw recording from my kitchen floor in December 2020. 

Not My Best (floor demos)

Been writing again finally. Here's this one. 

Come Around

A song about a frightening "wellness check" and my relationship with my sister in the midst of a terrible depression. Written in 2018 and recorded January 2021 in the bathroom at my aunt's house.

I have everything to say but if I got the chance
Think I would run away, I would be breathless and lie still
I’m in over my head, I’ve got no fight in me left
I should just go to bed, forget about this week
But sister, sister, dear I told you I was the one at fault
I change my mind, I didn’t ask to be

You can be broken and healing at the same time

Well, you called them on a Sunday night, I went to bed
turned off the lights, saw flashing blue on the street outside
There were blue men on their feet while I was in my sheets
They were asking me questions I can’t understand
No sir, I’m not well, I mean I’m not sure I could really tell
But the things you have to offer I’m not needing

They barged in yelling with loud boots and housing officers

I survived my mind another day, another night
Another sad and comatose excuse for living
Said sister, sister I’m all right I’ve made it through
This hellish fight so far, so far I can keep going
But she saw lies in my red eyes, she jumped a plane to Phoenix,
Got a ride to town and kissed me on my face

You can be broken and healing at the same time

Everything I’ve never said and the excuses for my head
Are culminating as we sit to dinner
Years we were apart my dear, by oceans, grudges, and by fear
Those awful years I spent just scratching at my chest
I am sick it comes and goes, but sometimes it never shows         
It wanes and weans and it grows, I hide it all the time

You can be broken and healing at the same time

Well sister, sister I love you, you always are coming through
When I need a hand or two to lift me on my feet



Everything I Never Said (winter demos)

Written & recorded in 2021 by me. Images & moods drawn from my experience in psychosis. Yes I literally tried climbing the garden wall. 

Closed eyes to keep from dreaming
I hear it all but I won’t be speaking
Every morning the murder gathers
What are they searching for, who are they after?

Where is my secret?
I’ve lost it all
Such a fool for thinking
I could break my own fall

Nevermind all that’s lurking
Step to the pattern, shortcut the circuit
Waiting out some grand rapture
Not if, but when reality fractures

Might ya find me
Climbing the garden wall
I want someplace peaceful
I wanna hang up the call

Time is passing, looking around
No one else knows the hell I’ve found

The Secret

~some kinda narrative folk music~ 
I write songs to heal myself and share my stories.
Here you'll find imperfect demos I've been recording and will to continue to record along the way in my journey with music.
Link to my lyrics masterdocument: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eJHSIdAnAjoa_zo2w9XV6YW_wXjg-o0JRE90nq09p20/edit?usp=sharing
If you like what you hear, consider making a donation to support me! venmo: @arthropodian

juneau

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