This is my first time ever reading poetry at a poetry open mic. This is an original poem I wrote years ago. Recorded at The Cantab Lounge in Cambridge, MA on 10-30-2013. At the end I giggle like a little girl.


Diamonds (or Lil' Billy Is Leaving Home) 

It’s pressure that creates a diamond.
The weight of the world bears down,
Forcing that piece of rock to be better.
Diamonds don’t just appear out of nowhere.

No, they’re squeezed until they step up and succeed
They get crushed if they can’t handle the heat
Nature takes a pile of shit,
And makes it into something valuable.

That’s why your mom and I are kicking you out, Billy.

We’re packing your bags, throwing away your toys.
It’s time to put away childish things.
And school? You can figure that one out on your own,
Tiger. Today you become a MAN.

Don’t worry, you’re not without help.
I know it can be hard for a six year old to find work
That’s why I’ve given you a list of businesses.
They’re non-discriminating, mostly.
How do you feel about wearing a mustache?

And so you depart, with your Spiderman blanket,
Your Power Rangers pillow and a thick Hulk backpack
Stuffed with necessities, and souvenirs from your old life.
We’re starting a revolution today, Billy.

And when you return, hopefully with a wife and children
You can tell me about your adventures, and thank me.
We can set your own children off together.
I will write a book about your life.

Sure, the road ahead of you is hard and scary,
But you’ve got a Spongebob flashlight and fresh double A’s.
Just don’t be too prideful to eat out of garbage
Or too stubborn to share your blanket with a hobo.
Networking is the key to success.

It’s all about who you know.
That hobo could be like Will Smith in that movie, you know,
The one where he’s homeless and then becomes rich.
What I’m trying to say is, always trust a stranger.

Sure, I could keep you here, raise you for another twelve years
But what would that possibly accomplish, Billy? 
I have nothing to teach you 
That the world couldn’t teach ten times better.

It won’t all be easy, I know this fact very well.
But it’s the pressure in life that molds us,
Makes us hungry, makes us want more.
I pray that you get a taste of life today.

So no more chit-chat! Time to go!
The world is waiting, filled with joy and pain
I can only imagine the wonders you’ll encounter.
I know you can’t read or count yet, but when you do,
Send your mom and I a letter.

Just don’t trip in the driveway
Learning to tie your shoes should be, perhaps,
Item number one on your list of things to do.
Also, buy some bugspray.

Godspeed, Billy. I love you very much.
Today you leave a child,
But when God, fate, or the police bring you back to me,
You’ll be a man.

You’ll be a diamond.

Diamonds (Or Lil' Billy Is Leaving Home)

Fresh off a weekend of paid gigs in Maine, I was offered a guest spot at Emerson College on February 2nd, 2014. I had just eaten a pot brownie. This is what happened.

I did this set high on pot brownies at Emerson College on 2/2/14

Back-of-the-room iPhone audio recording of the 55 minute set that was edited down into my album "The Guy That Ate the Food"

Buy it now at justinpdrew.com!

The Guy That Ate the Food (Full Unedited iPhone Recording)

This is track 1 from my album The Guy That Ate the Food and is available for purchase on CD Baby here: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/justinpdrew

Also please check out justinpdrew.com for more jokes and shit

Grandma Is Here (Intro)

This is track 6 from my album The Guy That Ate the Food and is available for purchase on CD Baby here: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/justinpdrew

Also please check out justinpdrew.com for more jokes and shit!

My Little Sister Is Cooler Than Me

This is track 10 from my album The Guy That Ate the Food and is available for purchase on CD Baby here: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/justinpdrew

Also please check out justinpdrew.com for more jokes and shit!

Breaking Bad

This is track 13 from my album The Guy That Ate the Food and is available for purchase on CD Baby here: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/justinpdrew

Also please check out justinpdrew.com for more jokes and shit!

A Cop Caught Me Smoking Weed

From a show at a Hookah Bar in Lowell, Massachusetts, Sam Ike joins me onstage to remix my classic bit "Masturbating On Mushrooms" for a disinterested audience.

Masturbating On Mushrooms (Remixed with Sam Ike)

Quality set. I do, in order:

5th Graders
Chaz Bono
Lesbian Jokes 
Virgin
Pregnancy Scare
Mute German Shepherd
Family
Chair
Grampa
You Might Be On Hospice


Full Set from TJ's Food & Spirits in Ashland MA 3-11-2012

Recorded at Crown & Anchor Tavern in Johnston RI on 3-1-2012.

Justin P. Drew

Popular tracks