The first song to kick off 17/19, “Won’t Be Wasted” was actually the second new song I wrote. It was an important accomplishment because it helped solidify the fact that I didn’t need to actively be in a band in order to create music... imagine that! Riding on the tails of what was my first official new song in years, (which you’ll hear next week,) it doubled down on the themes of not letting this life pass me by. “Wake up it’s time to move on, this day won’t wait for you at all, No one will stand your ground and fight your fight, you gotta do this one on your own.” I know it’s easy to talk the talk but I still struggle with following my own advice. I’ll figure it out one of these days.

Won’t Be Wasted

Bear with me, this is gonna be heavy... “Come What May” was the song that jump started all of this. It was the first fully developed song I had written to be played with a live band in more than a decade. It began to take form back at the start of ’18 though unfortunately, there were a few life-changing events that brought it about. For one, I would be turning 40 that year and wasn’t fully prepared to accept it, (I know it’s not old) and had the idea for my high school band HissyFit play another “once-in-a-lifetime” reunion show for the occasion. But my anxiety over turning 40 was trivial compared to the one-two punch that hit us at the very end of 2017. After years of not acknowledging the hard truths, just days before Christmas, Leah and I had come to the mutual conclusion that our relationship had indeed drifted into something entirely different than what it began as. We still loved each other, but we weren’t “in love” with each other in the way that we both needed. As heartbreaking as it was and still is, we decided that in order for us both to be happy, we would need to give ourselves the space to find happiness with other people, while at the same time remain living together as the loving family we are. In the coming months of the new year, together we would navigate this exciting but bittersweet world we were making for ourselves. And so Christmas came and went... and as we were driving up to Tahoe with some of our best friends, that’s when we got the call that Laurie, Leah’s mother had suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. To say that we were blindsided by the news couldn’t even begin to describe the shock. Everything else in our lives was put aside as we banded together and struggled through the devastation and aftermath of losing a parent - something we will all experience yet will never be prepared for when it occurs. This loss and the looming milestone of becoming 40 only amplified my fears of our short existence in this world. In the first few months of that new year, I wrote this song and in April we played it to a backyard full of friends and family. It’s a call to live this life while we still can, because none of us know when our time will come. This song is for Laurie. It is what it is.

Come What May

“2nd Chances” — Live fast, and die young, We’re never gonna hear about what happens after we’re gone, Last shot, don’t go and throw it away. — Thematically, this has to be one of the more depressingly morbid set of lyrics I’ve written to date. And while I clearly was still focused on grappling with the ever-passing of time, this was a bit of a turning point with my songwriting musically because the more I played around with the main guitar riff that’s echoed throughout the piece, the less it sounded like the types of songs I normally wrote. Now, if there’s any lesson in life I should pay attention to, it’s that change can be a good thing. Once I embraced this idea of creating music just for myself and not trying to fit it into “what my non-existent band’s sound was,” was incredibly freeing for me.

2nd Chances

The song, “Get It Together” was my white whale. I got the chorus and bridge nailed down early on but had trouble finding the melody/words for the verses. I had recorded a scratch vocal track of gibberish with the general cadence I was aiming for, but could not, for the life of me put it to words. Deciding to not force the process, I allowed myself to put it aside and dove into the next batch of songs that I was developing. It ended up taking almost a full year from start to finish to circle back around and figure out exactly what it was I wanted to say. In retrospect, I find the fact that it took me so long finish this song especially fitting because it’s all about my struggles with the push/pull between action/inaction, paralysis by analysis and my desire to move forward coupled with self-sabotage. It also has a not-so-subtle reference to masturbation. So there’s that.

Get It Together

“Fake It (‘til you break it)” is many things, but first and foremost, it’s one of my most personal of songs. It’s the bittersweet hope as we move forward into a new chapter we weren’t expecting to write. It’s an acknowledgment of what was lost and what could be found. It’s a song about Leah and I coming to the heartbreaking conclusion that it would be better for us to be separated as a couple but remain together as a family, because our love for each other can withstand anything. It had been close to a year after that night in December when we had been painfully honest with ourselves. The idea for the chorus came to me one morning as I was showering: “we could fake it until we’re out the door, or we can break it down and rebuild our lives together...” We could deny that we’ve changed until we’re fed up and everything comes crashing down or we can embrace this change and make our lives be whatever we want them to be. Over the course of that week, the song just came pouring out of me. And while there are still moments when singing through the bridge will bring me to tears, that will fade with time and one day this new life will feel just as normal as it once did.

Fake It (‘til you break it)

“Won’t Stop” —  These fucking thoughts won’t go away, I better find a quick distraction, It’s time to drown myself in all these songs worth singing, — True to form, this is a song with more than a handful of returning “time is short so get to it,” themes. Despite what it sounds like, I’d like to think it leans a bit more towards a hopeful and positive outlook than not. Creatively, this was another song in which I landed on the chorus early on only to get distracted by everything life was throwing at me. When I came back to it, something about how the chorus was reading felt off message, prompting me to dig in and explicitly spell out what I was trying to say. In the end, all we have to do is hold on and never give up.

        * “Won’t, stop, thinking about tomorrow“
        - I will continue to think about my future
        * “I won’t drown in sorrow”
        - I will not let myself dwell on my fears
        * “Cause it won’t, cry for me,”
        - Because death is indifferent 
        * “Won’t, stop, I’m living for tomorrow,”
        - I will continue to live for the future
        * “‘Cause this time is borrowed,”
        -  Because our time here is limited 
        * “And it won’t, (and it won’t,) wait for me,”
        - And time won’t wait for us

Won’t Stop

“Let Go & Let’s Go” was written during a brief dance with a muse of sorts when I met the right person at the right time who reminded me that happiness was still possible. While I don’t entirely believe in Fate, the romantic in me loves the idea that there are people you were meant to meet for reasons that may not be clear at the time. These chance meetings can reveal themselves for what they are after time has passed, if we’re lucky. This song started a bit aimless and eventually evolved into what was meant to be: A song about moving on from the sadness of the past, letting go of fear of the unknown and making space for love in the present. Musically, this is in some ways a departure for my style of song writing since I was inspired by the dance nights out in Oakland, which I was introduced to from this chance meeting. Many aspects of this new experience were brought into the song: the ritual of breathing in/out at the beginning of the night, the guitar tones that separate the first/second parts of the song serving as the concept of “audible healing,” and the addition of a dance beat to accompany the drums, to name a few. I’m also particularly proud of the section right before the solo which has some good bass/guitar melodies echoing each other.

— We’re never far, we’re not too far away, even though it feels the pain won’t end, remember that our hearts can mend, —

And because “pinky swears are forever,” here it is… I told you you’d hear this song.

Let Go & Let’s Go

"It’s Never Too Late” may be the most heartbreaking song I’ve ever written... and it just kinda tapped me on the shoulder as if to say, “hey, I’m here.” It was late at night and I was alone in the kitchen washing dishes from earlier in the evening when a melody and a single line came to me. — Fall in, fall out, it’s never too late to go and change your mind. — Not wanting the thought to get washed away, I abruptly put down the dishes and spent the next 3+ hours playing with this bit of unexpected inspiration until I had a chorus. Throughout the following week, the rest of the song just poured out of me which in retrospect, is not surprising. I’ve been sad or depressed (or whatever we want to call it,) for a while now... Living in this reality of what my marriage/relationship has become has weighed heavily on my heart, to say the least. Sure, time passes and people change and we could have tried to ignore the chasm between who we were and who we’ve become, but no good would come from that. Understanding and acceptance is the only way forward and while I may not be completely ready to, we all move on, eventually. — Fall in, fall out, it’s never too late to leave it all behind. —

It’s Never Too Late

“These Feelings” Where to even begin? My life has seen so much change over these past years and yet so much of it has remained the same... to this day I’m still unsure as to how to feel at any given moment. I feel both completely helpless and partly responsible for the drifting apart of my relationship. I feel sad because something I thought would last a lifetime is gone and I kinda hate myself because part of me is okay with it. I feel excited, anxious and hesitant all at the same time because a door I thought closed forever is suddenly open and all I need to do is just walk through it. Most of all, I’ve felt lonely. I know she has, as well. But we don’t have to feel that way anymore, if we don’t want to. Needless to say, it took me a while to translate my emotional state down into words. Similar to other songs, I found the chorus first with the rest of it just sitting there, waiting for me to figure it out. As it happened, this was the last song to be completed for this demo/album and so it was full of everything I’ve felt over the years. What I ended up with was an emotional cocktail of sorts. Part confession, part pep-talk. At times I’m building myself up and at others, knocking myself back down. There’s anger. Sadness. Hope. Determination. Because no matter how much you’ve been hurt in the past, you don’t have to let it defeat you if you don’t give in. — And I won’t give up or walk away, My heart will fight another day, These lonely feelings, These lonely feelings —

These Feelings

“Falling Down & Getting Up” was meant to be from the start a messy and dirty song about barely feeling like I’m holding onto anything. I wanted to write a song that felt like the slow motion during a car crash, because at times, that’s how parts of my life have felt. I thought everything was fine, but I should have seen it coming. Now everything is upended and floating in mid-air, waiting to land and settle. And it will... most of it already has. I just have to get up and make sense of what’s left. I’m pretty lucky, actually. Things could have been much worse than they are... so after everything we’ve been through, we’ll be fine, right? I’m okay. I’m okay if you are. I’m okay as long as it’s not a train wreck.

Falling Down & Getting Up

I wrote this song about 20 years ago… back in 2000-2001 when I was working at the best little preschool around, Kid Time, Inc. It’s been a minute since then so all the kiddos who heard me play it are now pretty much grown ups. Crazy how I haven’t aged a day, right?

“Let’s go play! Everyday!”

The Kid Time Song

Just another song to sing about being yourself, however that may be, but with a xylophone!

“Who am I? Who should I grow up to be when,
I am ready to be who I am?
Don’t look back you just go on and be you,
I’ll be me and you just be yourself￼.”

U.B.U.

This song feels that much more relevant what with all the #shelterinplace. Patience kiddos. Patience parents. Until then…

“I can’t wait to run around with you,
Won’t stop until the day is through,
The only thing I want to do today,
I wanna go, go play,
I wanna go and stay out all day!”

Wanna Go

“￼Goodnight, sleep tight,
I’ll see you when the morning comes,
Sweet dreams, it seems,
Will fill your head until the morning comes,

So sleep.”

So Sleep

Hey fun! Here's a bonus track of my original acoustic recording of The Kid Time Song remixed up in Garageband!

Shout out to Beau Bautista who helped record this years ago! Check out all the amazing fundraising work he's done over at bluedogevents.biz

The Kid Time Song (acoustic re-mix)

Video Game Animator by day.
Singer/Songwriter by night.

It’s been more than 15 years since I’ve seriously focused on writing and creating music because without a band, I somehow felt like I didn’t have a reason to do so. December of 2017 changed that. It brought many things into focus: the fears of growing older, the redefining of relationships, and the greatest loss a child can know. What followed between ‘17 and ‘19 was an outpouring of songwriting I hadn’t experienced since back when I was in high school. Unfortunately, this time around I had some of the most heartbreaking real life-experiences to draw upon. 

This collection of songs were created by myself using GarageBand and serve as a demo for what I hope will become an officially recorded album with a full band.

JxRK

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