Written for this comment on reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/45h3ak/what_obsession_did_you_have_as_a_teenager_that/czxva0s

For Godly Tits

Written for this thread on reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrollXChromosomes/comments/45qrd7/gf_got_me_a_schmaltzy_book_for_vday_and_trolled/czzoafz

Chords written relative to a capo on the 2nd fret.
C G F G C
You scratch my back, and I scratch yours--
that's how love should be.
And white lies go a long way
in gettin' what you want from me.
F G C
Oh, you're one smile from a waffle,
two compliments from eggs,
and three laughs from bacon, baby.
You prop me up when I'm down
with friendly-sounding fibs.
Make me believe, and I'll make a meal
that sticks to your ribs.
CHORUS
Em F G
And if you want this breakfast
to come to you in bed
suggest I might get head.
CHORUS

Breakfast In Bed

Written for this comment on reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/47emky/what_small_gesture_makes_you_feel_enormously_loved/d0cl13g

Smithereens

G/B/C/D D A
Baby, don't you know?
You get away with things that others won't.
My bubble and I told others, "Stop."
But with you, I hope it pops.

D C G
Kisses on the forehead while I sleep,
the sight of my face when I weep.
Every ounce of anger when I'm mad,
and every ounce of sorrow when I'm sad.
My walls are down, like I've never seen.
This love of yours blew them to smithereens.

Baby, don't you know?
You get away with things that others won't.

Smithereens

Written for this post on reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinteresting/comments/49l3r3/my_guitar_amps_reverb_unit_was_made_by_beautiful/

     Manufactured By Beautiful Girls

I've heard people say you are what you eat.
Well, I've been dining on every girl I meet.
They say actions make a man, not words.
Well, I've been acting on her and her and her.

If a man is a product of his world,
then I'm manufactured by beautiful girls.

Some say you're only as good as your worst part.
In my case that'd be my often broken heart.
But I fix quick; I forget how she made me feel,
by finding a new one to help me heal.
CHORUS

Manufactured By Beautiful Girls

Written for this post on reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/49qr2x/eli5_why_does_music_make_humans_want_to_dance/

Humans Want To Dance

You'll never see a bullfrog electric slide
or a tiger do the jive.
You'll never see a tarantula tango
or a shark do disco.

Humans want to dance, and they want to make art
'cause they can hear their beating heart.

You'll never see a cow in a honky-tonk
or a sloth slow song.
You'll never see a buffalo ballet
or salmon clap and sway.
CHORUS
People are in tune with the rhythm in their chest.
They all know one day it will rest.
CHORUS

Humans Want To Dance

Written for this thread on reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/49qf6j/guys_you_can_be_a_girl_for_one_day_what_do_you_do/d0ty4lz

As Good As Pizza Tastes

Am Am C G, Am C G D
It's a burden to have double Ds.
I always battle gravity!
G C Am D, G C D
So when men ask, "What's it like to take a bra off after a long, hard day?"
I tell 'em, "It feels as good as pizza tastes."
There are perks to big chest girth.
But I'm pulled to the core of Earth.
CHORUS

As Good As Pizza Tastes

Written for this therad on reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceAnimals/comments/49qut3/it_doesnt_help_that_it_feels_like_a_oneway_street/d0u1tc4

What The Trouble's Worth

E B A E
Relationships aren't meant to be easy.
But that don't mean they got to be hard.
Oh, baby, you've been making needless trouble
from the start.
I didn't expect endless sunny days.
But rose-colored glasses can't hide.
Oh, baby, the clouds never went away,
and you never tried.
A E x 3, A B
And I came to you, baby, ready to put in work,
but I'm not sure you're what the trouble's worth.

I can fight an uphill battle.
But why's it uphill both ways?
Oh, baby, it got tougher and tougher; 
the down slope never came.
CHORUS


What The Trouble's Worth

Written for this thread on reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4a34i4/what_gets_weirder_the_more_you_think_about_it/d0x354q

Go Pick Her Up Then

C   G D G
I saw her come into the world.
She fit in the palms of my hands.
Why have I lived all these years?
My heart finally understands.
F C D
One day she'll be too big,
and I'm afraid when...
(Go pick her up then.)
Her first step, her first fall.
Gravity bullied her small frame.
I defended her each time
with strength and love's flame.
CHORUS...
G
I'll lose my will to live.


Go Pick Her Up Then

Written for this thread on reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4ajc9u/what_do_you_believe_to_be_fake_despite/d10vdlp

     The Ten Percent
C x 4, G F GFG
Sometimes animals fill me with rage,
and I don't mean the animals in their cage.
The real sight to see, the real show to tape
are the hoards of visiting apes.
C G F G
The chimps can throw their shit at the glass.
We all laugh and give them a pass.
But ten percent of any crowd has no tact
and throws their shit back.
Zookeeping's not what you think it's about;
I build walls to keep humans out.
The beasts are calm, they all act tame;
but the people who visit have no shame.
CHORUS
Am Em F G
And that's why I say to my prison guard friend,
your job is more than mine in the end.
I imprison teeth and claws, tigers and jaguars,
but you keep assholes behind bars.
CHORUS

The Ten Percent

Written for this comment on reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4apg82/what_is_a_delusion_that_someone_you_know_has_but/d12ezgz

SexyBack

I'm bringing sexy back! *Yeah.*
Even though I sing flat. *Yeah.*
I may voice immodulate, *Yeah.*
but I ignore the hate. *Yeah.*
I'm bringing sexy back. *Yeah.*
Ooo, learn how to act. *Yeah.*
Reality's screams *Yeah.*
won't kill my dreams. *Yeah.*
I'm bringing sexy back! *Yeah.*

SexyBack

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4b3ffj/what_is_not_as_fun_as_you_thought_it_would_be/d15ssta

I wrote and recorded a song for this thread, the tale of /u/Lesser_Frigate_Bird:

What If I Die Alone In The Bathroom?

I called in sick from work, "I don't feel well, you see."
But I was just playing a game of hooky.
Well, the gods must have heard my terrible lie
'cause the bug I got made me want to die.

What if I die alone in the bathroom? What if all my liquids drain?
What if I shit and shit and shit 'til I shit out my brain?

My boss was concerned, and I smiled at his worry.
But soon the toilet bowl was filled with hot curry.
Karma came to bite me in my lying ass,
and it kept biting me as I choked on gas.
CHORUS

What If I Die Alone In The Bathroom?

Written for this thread on reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4b3mc5/what_is_something_you_see_in_other_peoples_houses/d15xrg1?context=10000

     Glitter and Herpes

When you're a young girl, your mother says,
"Keep it clean; you don't want a mess."
When you find love in some guy,
he'll say, "Shave. I don't want fur pie."

But I deny them, I'm a woman of my own,
and I like to decorate my lady throne!

Glitter and herpes, a bush and warts,
signs of love and scars from war.
A clinic's is cold and dull as death,
but I've traded mine for a bit of meth.

Glitter and Herpes

     Too Late

I've been waiting so long; I just don't know what for.
How does opportunity knock on the door?

One, two, three: it's too late for me.

I spent my gasoline on a pointless ride.
Now I'm lost in the desert of those who tried.

One, two, three: it's too late for me.

I don't know what I wanted, but it was not this.
We all get one shot and mine was a miss.
Those selling hope and pipe dreams pretend they can change fate.
But sometimes, sometimes, it's just too late.

Too Late

Hi, hi, this is Kavalier Calm, The People's Bard. My friends call me KC. I write songs and poems inspired by the people I meet and things I see on the internet. I manage the Crowdsource Inspiration (CI) project at crowdsourceinspiration.tumblr.com and post on reddit as /u/ThePeoplesBard. Send song requests to kavaliercalm@gmail.com, or post them on /r/TheStage, and I'll write something just for you.


Kavalier Calm

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