This song touches on what it’s like in the Seduction and/or Golden Period phase(s) of the narcissistic dynamic (to use H.G. Tudor’s terms).

I had written this completely oblivious to the fact that I had fallen for yet another narcissist. I had been sucked in hard and fast - as is typical with any romantic narcissistic dynamic, due to the immediate, deep sense of emotional connection we appeared to share.

I didn’t see the mirroring. I didn’t see the constant flattery. I didn’t see that I had become the center of his world. I didn’t see the excessive communication. I didn’t see how he had probed for and pulled out from me all of my vulnerabilities. I didn’t see how everything ultimately came back down to what he wanted. I didn’t see the coldness of his empathy. I didn’t see the empty promises. I didn’t see the patterns of his past relationships. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.

I didn’t see the red flags that were staring me in the face.

What’s frightening is I was looking for them, and still didn’t see them. This is alluded to in the second verse when I’m doubting the reality of my experience with him.

The third verse illustrates how a narcissist will continue to “work his magic” to bury all doubts we feel about him and our budding relationship with him, so that we fully embrace him for all that his facade presents to us. We focus on the good qualities, because we naturally look for the good in all people, and whatever warning signs we do notice, we believe we can resolve together.

The stages of Seduction and Golden Period are the most short-lived of the relationship, and are the best moments in the entire relationship - arguably, in the woman’s life. Nothing will ever be nor feel like this again, as can be seen in my other songs.

Lyrics:

All that I see when I look in your eyes,
And all that I feel when you’re near…
Something tells me I may have found my home.
Oh, could it be, is this love?

When we met, strangers we never felt.
Never before have I felt like this.
I feel so safe in your arms, always.
My soul feels alive when I’m with you.

All that I see when I look in your eyes,
And all that I feel when you’re near…
Something tells me I may have found my home.
Oh, could it be, is this love?

What if I’m wrong again?
Been down this road before;
Actors I’ve fallen for…

I believe in the goodness in your eyes.
I don’t see any warning signs.
And we’ve been transparent so far,
So I’m ready to see where this goes.

All that I see when I look in your eyes,
And all that I feel when you’re near…
Something tells me I may have found my home.
Oh, could it be, is this love?

Sharing for educational purposes as part of https://katunraveled.wordpress.com

Electric Pain

Blindly Addicted

Lyrics:

All I wanted was for you to be happy,
But all I’ve given is misery.
And I’ve tried to be who you want me to be,
But in the end, I’m just me

So, take my tears, take my fears,
Take your memories away from me.
Oh, just leave me the way I was meant to be all along:
All alone.

How long can we go on living a lie?
We don empty smiles on the outside,
But harsh words, cold shoulders, resentment within,
And it’s all from me - it’s all because of me.

Oh, so, take my tears, take my fears,
Take your memories away from me.
Oh, just leave me the way I was meant to be all along:
All alone.
All alone.
All alone.

For years, I’ve tried to be who I’m not, who I could be…
…Who you want me to be.
False joy, hidden tears,
Not so shy once I’ve had some beer…
Yeah, conceal the truth, I’m in a noose;
All is well as long as I don’t tell.
No, never will I be that one,
‘Cause I’m just me.
I’m only me.
Oh, I’m just me.

And I’ll be all alone,
‘Cause I’m just me.
So I’ll be all alone,
Yeah,
‘Cause I’m just me.

Sorrow

The chaotic vibe paired with the minor melody is an attempt to illustrate the narcissistic dynamic, and what it's like to be in it. There's beauty and chaos, shifting sands, never knowing where you stand, being roped back in as soon as you're strong enough to wrench the noose from your neck, wanting to believe that the words and actions are genuine this time, that the pain is behind you... and not having a clue what you're involved in.

The bones of this song were created in 2012.

Lyrics:

Can you hear me calling out for you?
Your indifference makes me blue…
See me, touch me, feel me, hear me;
Oh, set me free.

All this pain, I need a refuge;
Harsh words, violence, I refuse…
No longer will I be your rag doll,
And, God, I'm not just some fly on the wall.

I am human, too; can’t you see?
Please look at what you’re doing to me.
How can you say that our love is fate?
Could fate be filled with so much hate?

You're livid, then silent as stone.
One look, one word, and I'm chilled to the bone;
Then, it's like I'm not even there.
Go about your life while I lay bare…

I am human, too; can’t you see?
Please look at what you’re doing to me.
How can you say that our love is fate?
Could fate be filled with so much hate?

I need to feel worthwhile, to feel love;
I've sent prayers to my Lord above.
I'm asking you now, will we ever unite?
I feel, with us, there will never be light…

Can you hear me calling out for you?
Your indifference makes me blue…
See me, touch me, feel me, hear me;
Oh, set me free.

Sharing for educational purposes as part of https://katunraveled.wordpress.com

The Experience

Afflictive Yearning (Revisited)

Apologies for the poor vocals.

The music for this song was written in 2014, and was born from the heartbreak of walking away from someone I still loved several months before. I was still being pushed and pulled, as he continued to try to reel me back in while secretly dating someone new and trying to turn everyone against me. My world was flipped upside-down as I tried to see through the Jekyll/Hyde dynamic. I couldn’t escape his presence nor his effects on my relationships.

I was unaware that I had been involved with a narcissist, but knew that what I had been experiencing was unhealthy. The lyrics illustrate this to a degree, but also shed light on some of which I wasn’t yet ready to face at the time - namely, that I had been sucked in by, and was clinging to, an illusion.

Lyrics:

There was a time when it seemed you and I had it all,
But I’ve come to realize you were never there to break my fall.
You spun such pretty lies so convincingly; I wanted to believe.
My gut screamed, but still I was deceived.

I love you but this cannot be what’s right for me; now I see,
Though you tell me that we’re meant to be.
I can see the truth behind your lies and alibis;
As much as it hurts to turn away, I can’t stay.

Behind the scenes and our closed doors, there was much going wrong.
I spent years trying to fix it, not knowing what was going on,
All that I did was futile. This pain and confusion is so intense,
But the fog is finally lifting; hence:

I love you but this cannot be what’s right for me; now I see,
Though you tell me that we’re meant to be.
I can see the truth behind your lies and alibis;
As much as it hurts to turn away, I can’t stay.

And yet, through it all, I still have love for you.
It breaks my heart to say that you and I are through.
But I have to do what’s good for me; I can no longer hide…
What’s killing me, so this is goodbye.

My love, goodbye.

Letting Go

This is an electronic instrumental created amidst Day 2 of my most recent devaluation.

While it took me less than a day to create, the complexity found within is highly representative of the devaluation period within the context of the narcissistic dynamic.

The notes, tempo and various features are representative of the whirlwind of my inner state of being when in the peak of devaluation. Racing thoughts take over as I swallow many of my desires to speak my truth, knowing that nothing good will come of it. Despite this knowledge, I do still fight back, and carefully pick my battles - which keeps the external environment fairly tolerable, but creates a storm within me.

The darkness illustrates the overwhelming negative thoughts and feelings that I’m fighting to keep control over, to keep away so that I may maintain my sense of inner peace, to remain unaffected by the ongoing emotional and psychological barrage being employed against me.

The repetition signifies many features of the narcissistic dynamic. Only naming a few, it’s a nod to: the effective, repetitive (but vast) repertoire of manipulations used to provoke reactions out of me; the circling conversations that revolve around the same topics again and again and again with no resolution; hearing the same empty promises and witnessing the same bouts of temporary “positive change” to go through the same thing all over again; being in the constant cycle of wanting to fix things (despite the futility and impossibility of such a task) and wanting to leave.

The lull shows how the equilibrium that is finally found is quickly disturbed by another provocation or ten directed my way, bringing back all of the thoughts and feelings.

The fade-out is the quieted mind as I enter the welcomed period of respite, where all will be superficially calm until the next devaluation.

No Escape (Instrumental)

The One (Instrumental)

Piano is temporarily subbing for vocals.

Lyrics:

Lost in man-made storms, I’d never seen reality,
Trapped inside the walls of illusion.
Forced to take the blame, I changed it all, but it was all in vain
For you are the one who’s stayed blind to reality.

You say that I’m the one; you can’t go on without me.
You say that you’re the one, the only one who could love me.
But I know I’m not the one; I’ll never play the role that you need.
And I know you’re not the one; we’re better off parting ways.

Thought you could force me into submission, but you were wrong.
You broke me, but I’m pieced back together and reinforced with steel.
I have healed myself, I’ve healed my past, and I’m moving on with my life.
You didn’t know what you had, but I know what I’m leaving behind.

But you say that I’m the one; you can’t go on without me.
You say that you’re the one, the only one who could love me.
Yeah, I know I’m not the one; I’ll never play the role that you need.
And I know you’re not the one; life’s better when you’re gone.

I thank you for the lessons and say you’ve taught me well.
You call me crazy, label me a liar, a fraud, and then you turn tail:
Tell me I’m perfect, you’re wrong, it’ll all be different… just stay.
Keep dancing on your false promises as I bid you farewell.

Oh, you say that I’m the one; you can’t go on without me
Yeah, you say that you’re the one, the only one who could love me
But I know I’m not the one; I’ll never play the role that you need
And I know you’re not the one; I don’t need you now.

The One (Vocal Track: Piano Filler)

Original lyrics: Kat Ryan. Music credit and appreciation goes to Hamrah Beats, "Fall Down" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTVTA5mAPuE)

Lyrics:
Hey, do you know I hear that... the tranquil sound of sand?
It's shifting, ever-shifting, as I see your outstretched hand.
You wish to lead me to the pit that is your secluded land.
No one else but we know what's contained within your plan. 

We've just fought tooth and claw to make it back from the last abyss...
A familiar devastating fall after a short moment of bliss.
The flip was sudden and severe - as is typical, it was sealed with a kiss.
Yet, no one ever sees past the illusion to see that anything's amiss. 

You speak to me softly with compassion and sincerity;
There's instantly no more room for hostility and vulgarity.
You give to me as if I'm suddenly one in need of charity.
...It's as if you've finally gained clarity. 

Yeah, you speak to me as if I haven't a clue,
But you can no longer change what I know to be true.
I've climbed up and out, and I've got a clear view
Of both what others see as well as the real you. 

You keep expecting it all to be swept under the rug,
That your words can be erased with a smile and a hug,
That your manipulations can still numb me like a drug
But I'll never forget all the times you said, smugly: 

You'll make my life hell, leave me with nothin', 
Startin' with my kids; oh, how you threaten ---
It's a promise, you say, venom drippin'
Down the sneer on your lips, 'cause you're bettin' I won't go - too afraid, got me cornered, got me losin'
It, frettin' and sweatin' 

Yeah, I may be dreadin' 
The road that lies ahead, but I'm leavin'
...Let that reality set in...
'Cause you may have the advantage but I won't be beaten down.
I won't stay where I'm constantly being thrown in the ground. 

One by one, I'm breaking free of the chains that kept me bound.
You may win the war but, hey, I've got this round...
I tried to go about this respectfully and peacefully,
But, as you said, you'll "stop at nothin'" - you "won't let go" of me. 

You "won't agree to anything," refuse to do things amicably.
You're no "beta male;" never mind the kids, it's all about "what's best for me."
You have people in your corner who're ready to defend, ready to fight;
I'm only an one-man army but I'll stand up and fight for what's right.
Your supporters remain true to you 'cause they didn't taste the poison in the bite;
They see no reason to doubt the 'good' man behind all the years of hype.
I don't hold it against them though; I was once immersed in that same delusion, but I've finally crawled out and seen the light.


https://katunraveled.wordpress.com

The Sands of War

1st verse:
Who is this person standing before me?
Certainly not the one I knew you to be
Such evil drips from your energy, your tongue
Can't hold this together; it's all coming undone

You point the finger, say this is all from my hand
You don't share my reality, you don't understand
Your eyes are on me but you're looking through a mirror
Your vision is hazy but mine is crystal clear

Chorus:
Shine a light on it, come on and bare your soul
Knowing who you are is the ultimate goal
It's time to look past illusion and dig in
Embrace the repressed shadow that lies within

Fight the need to project what you reject
See where you're the cause and how you have an effect
Love that inner child and bring him home
It's the path of the collective; you're not alone

2nd verse:
Who is this person standing before you?
Certainly not the one you thought you'd knew
Venom spews from my depths at my reflection
Can't hold it together; I am coming undone

I know who I am but won't stop staring at you
Too absorbed in what's outside of me to get a clear view 
I see how our bond sours as each cycle starts anew
Yet I lash out as your knives reopen my core wounds

3rd verse:
We strive to preserve a sense of dignity
This constant inner fight of wanting to act differently
So we keep suppressing what our egos deny
Still, it rises up; we're unable to hide

Back and forth and around we go, 
Attacking each other to chase away the shadow
Out to the light comes the dark force that dwells
As we fail to break free from these illusory spells

Chorus:
Shine a light on it, come on and bare your soul
Knowing who you are is the ultimate goal
It's time to look past illusion and dig in
Embrace the repressed shadow that lies within

Fight the need to project what you reject
See where you're the cause and how you have an effect
Love that inner child and bring him home
It's the path of the collective; you're not alone

Lilith (Vocal Track: Piano Filler)

Introverted pianist and singer who lacks a good set of vocal cords, yet has a soul which longs to express itself... so, hello from said soul! Songs are shared as part of https://katunraveled.wordpress.com in the hopes of helping people understand what the narcissistic dynamic is really like.

Kat Ryan

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