Tim kicks things off with an excerpt from a Matt Taibbi article, to which Ben responds by starting an “insane, stupid” series for Beer of the Week. Then, on to Bernard! Dan insists that this will be fun, dammit! We talk about our first time hearing about Bernie, how Sara met Bernie, attempt to assuage Ben’s Guilt, discuss our Bernie journeys to Iowa and New Hampshire, and talk about the time the gang got together and canvassed outside a pharmacy in the southwest suburbs, only to get yelled at by an old man. We credit Bernie with turning us on to Mass Politics before Ben's poor choices derail us. Solidarity forever! (recorded 12/5/2020)

Dan: Pipeworks Brewing Company Premium Pilsner Beer - 4.25
Sara: Lagunitas Brewing Company Lil Sumpin’ Sumpin’ Ale - 5.0
Ben: Four Loko Sour Apple - 1.0
Tim: Ten Bends Beer Green Fountains IPA - 4.25
Bonus Li-Quar: Jameson Irish Whiskey - Fine

TRACK LISTING:
Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train
Warren Zevon - Lawyers Guns & Money
Tommy’s Reunion Gospel Choir - Bernie Sanders Rally Song (Feel the Burn)
Solidarity Forever - UAW Members at Ford

21. Just A Nice Old Man Who Wanted to Give Us All Healthcare (Bernie)

The gang has been playing Mario Kart. When it comes to holidays, Tim and Sara remark on how surreal Christmas during COVID is, but Dan got real corny this season. Tim experiences Jewish holidays as a gentile-in-law, and everybody hates Easter. Sara brings up the Fourth of July, or “Summer Christmas,” Dan says historical materialism has led him to unironically enjoy America’s Birthday, and everyone likes blowing shit up. Finally, there’s Saint Patrick’s Day and the family-friendly debauchery of the South Side Irish Parade. Then the pod has to come to an end, because Ben starts yelling about Sweetest Day. (recorded 1/2/2021)

/// Dan: O’Doul’s Golden Non-Alcoholic Brew - 2.5
/// Sara: Alulu Brewing Lyf Fort Red DH Lagerbier - 4.0
/// Ben: Revolution Brewing Amarillo Hero - 3.75 
/// Tim: “Quaran-tea-n” Traditional Medicinals Organic Cup of Calm Lavender Mint Tea - High Tea

TRACK LISTING:
Tom Waits - Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis
The Kinks - Father Christmas
Dropkick Murphys - The Season’s Upon Us 
Irish Choir - South Side Irish
The Pogues & Kristy McColl - Fairytale of New York

22. The Kids Are Asleep Holiday Special (Holidays)

As we begin our episode on grifters, we talk about the Con Man in Chief and plead with America: Don’t drink bleach. Ben continues his Revolution Month Beer of the Week series, and then we discuss the various con-jobs and grifts we've fallen for. Dan is scammed by shirtless magazine salesmen, Sara’s dad tries to get sharp with knife sales, and Ben's dad gets hustled by a young lady at the Fairplay. We then dive into more tales of Ben's childhood in Worth, wherein he gets duped into swimming in a stranger's pool, but later proceeds to avoid army recruiters, Mormonism, and the Shepard High School woodwind band. Sara's hot take of the episode regards Chance the Rapper giving Bernie a chance way too late.

Ben: Revolution Brewing Citra Hero 4.25
Dan: Revolution Brewing Everyday Hero 4.25
Sara: Revolution Brewing Fist City 4.0
Tim: Smuttynose Brewing Old Brown Dog American Brown Ale 4.75
BONUS LI-QUAR: Industrious Spirits Co. Structural "Sipping" Vodka

Swindlers, Suckers, and Shirtless Magazine Salesmen

6. Swindlers, Suckers, and Shirtless Magazine Salesmen (Grifters)

After Tim introduces us all to Calvin the Deplorable, we dive into an overlong Beer of the Week dedicated to the memory of Tim's sweet, smelly dog Olive. Dan and Sara cop to drinking Miller 64, then Ben and Tim attempt to set "Clear Parameters for the Beer Scale'' before we get down to the topic at hand - drugs. Sara discusses the Ancient Drugs - alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, marijuana - their progression through history, and gives a salute to the beer dorks (and other drug nerds) who have refined these classic intoxicants. Everyone chooses their desert island drug from the four, then after a brief discussion about how kids don't know about regs in this golden age of weed selection, we get down to the real shit. After deciding cocaine is asshole fuel, but also the "most drug" of the drugs, Tim recalls eating a quarter of mushrooms in the back of a Jeep Grand Cherokee, and Ben talks about his "custom" Beets shirt claimed by drug shits. Dan inadvertently convinced Sara not to do LSD again, but she recalls her first time trying it and how much fun it was. We end with the unifying ego death of salvia trips (in a soccer field in Wheaton) and tales from the Blue Island drug hole where Dan and Sara's romance was forged. The moral is, drugs are fun, but not really the point, and shouldn't become the point - and maybe everybody got a little too high for this one, man.

Tim: Long Live Beerworks Heart of a Champion 4.75
Ben: Revolution Brewing Stratasphero 4.0
Dan & Sara: Miller 64 5.0 (on the non-alcoholic beer scale) 2.0 (on the light beer scale)

Fear and Loathing in the Southwest Suburbs

8. Fear and Loathing in the Southwest Suburbs (Drugs)

We begin by discussing Sara's dental surgery in the Time of Coronavirus, before starting Beer of the Week - Tim loves Long Live Beerworks, let them live long, and Ben kinda forgets about Beer of the Week but recovers with Naturdays, and Naturdays are alright. Then we get down to the topic at hand - sports. We talk about the inescapable orbit of the 90’s Chicago Bulls, decide we don’t care if Jordan is an asshole, and generally Superfan out a bit. Despite growing up in Sacramento, Sara’s Chicago-ass transplant parents threw legendary Bulls game ragers. Continuing to discuss our heritage as Chicagoans, we turn to the Legendary 1985 Chicago Bears and the officially licensed infant onesies our parents stuffed us into. Ben reveals he was forced to write an essay in grammar school on the passing of Sweetness himself, then Dan and Tim turn to their own youthful experiences with football. Eventually Ben tries to talk about video games, Tim issues the final nerd alert of the episode, then Dan somehow manages to bring his time in deck hockey back to the Iraq War, and Sara’s Superfan uncle gets excited, but not about her getting into college. We end with shout-out to the protests over George Flyod’s murder, which had exploded nationwide as we recorded.

Tim: Long Live Beerworks The All-Seeing Eye 4.75
Ben: Natural Light Naturday 3.25
Dan: Alulu Brewing All Together Hazy IPA  5.0 for solidarity, 4.0 on the scale
Sara: Alulu Brewing Ploom Dry Stout 4.0

https://www.caarpr.org/stop-police-crimes

Superfan City

9. Superfan City (Sports)

Hannah is our very first guest star, and agrees that her fiance Tim is, in fact, Bob from Bob’s Burgers. As for Al Gore's greatest crime/gift - we begin with the fact that Trump is the Best Tweeter There Ever Was, then go back in time to the days of AOL (when pedophiles first came crawling out of the pornography box), re-examine the Metallica vs Napster grudge match, talk about getting cancelled on MySpace and X-Men Cyber Sex, and we show our age by declaring that apps these days have too few buttons. We wrap up with an update on Marty the Grocery Store Robot.

Ben: New Belgium Voodoo Ranger Hazy IPA 4.25 
Tim: Battery Steele Brewing Flume Double IPA 4.25
Dan & Sara: Leinenkugel Summer Shandy 2.25

Jacobin - Log the Fuck Off w/ Matt Christman, Amber Frost & Ben Fong
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcuj7SWlgg4

Al Gore Presents: The Internet

11. Al Gore Presents: The Internet (The Internet)

Sara celebrates the theme thoroughly with UV Blue and we once again almost call the whole fucking podcast Beer of the Week. Then turning to the topic at hand - Dan thinks he’s a rebel but Tim actually gets kicked off his high school newspaper, Sara’s crooked-ass nuns were a gang of cunts (that’s right, she said it), and Ben isn’t lactose intolerant, he’s just got crushing anxiety and “toilet problems” - but maybe Shepard High School’s terrible bathroom design didn’t help. Finally, Tim calls for Providence’s electricity to be municipalized and Dan wishes he could go back in time and organize for Weirdo Unity vs the Bourgeoisie Preppies/Jocks, but he’s just drunk.

https://providencedsa.org/nationalize-grid 

Dan: Natural Light Naturday 3.5
Tim: Long Live Beerworks Black Cat Sees All 4.5
Ben: New Belgium Fat Tire Belgian White 3.25
Sara: UV Blue Vodka and Lemonade (in a red Solo cup) 4.0 for Fun Times

Recorded 6/27/2020

Rock'N'Roll High School

12. Rock'N'Roll High School (High School)

The episode begins by celebrating Tim’s marriage, and he calls Dan and Sara out for being bad friends. Then it's noted “it’s not good to make assumptions with a bucket full of shit” before Tim takes a  BOTW recommendation from Julius, friend of the pod. On the topic of Catholicism, everyone comes in hot and note that Dan’s childhood priest killed a lady. Catholics are a ghoulish, superstitious lot, who often make funeral plans well in advance. Which in turn ties into a central aspect of the cultural Catholicism: Ceremonies, and showing up at those ceremonies. Even when showing up means lying to a priest about sins you’ve committed so you have something to confess.

Sara & Dan:  Revolution Brewing Sun Crusher Hoppy Wheat Ale 3.0
Ben: New Belgium Brewing Shift Pale Lager 3.25
Tim: Dogfish Head Midas Touch (Weird Ancient Shit) 4.0

Recorded 8/1/2020

Keep Your Protestant Nonsense Outta My Ancient Death Cult

13. Keep Your Protestant Nonsense Outta My Ancient Death Cult (Catholicism)

Ben begins the episode with the tale of his Chicago Union Guy Fairy Godfather. We get slightly derailed with asexual Godzilla, before we start on with the topic of the week, video games. Tim, in the last days of working an election, realizes the canvassing app MiniVAN is in fact a video game. We consider the nostalgia hole of modern culture, then dive right in ourselves with memories of being the first kid on your block with NES, with everyone taking turns on a simple one-player platformer. Or, as Tim calls it, “gangbanging Mario.” Dan tries to talk about lost systems like the Sega Dreamcast, but the only Dreacast owner, Tim, disappoints and cops to only playing sports games . . . and Last Blade 2. But, truly in his glory on this topic, Ben forces us to “list our systems” and “really gets on a tear tonight” to the point where Dan ends up defending Joe Rogan. The gang manages to subdue Ben and end the episode without any serious injury.

Dan: Surly Brewing Warp Zone Pilsner 3.0
Sara: Anchor Brewing Anchor Steam 4.5
Tim: Long Live Beerworks Present/Prizent 4.5
Ben: Half Acre Brewing Daisy Cutter Pale Ale 3.75

Recorded 8/8/2020

Ben Yells At Us About Video Games

14. Ben Yells At Us About Video Games (Video Games)

The episode kicks off with a visit from Benzig, then after a very punk Beer of the Week, we describe our “come to punk” moments and grapple with the question, “Did punk rock ruin our lives?” Ben points out the kind of a-historical nature of how we discovered bands - essentially, we became punks at Fukayama’s “end of history.” Continuing our analysis we decided punk rock is friendship, and cousins. The Gang could do a whole episode on the 2040, the punk space formerly run out of Dan and Sara’s basement. Tim posits that we had no choice - we were taken against our will into being punks - but it was a good thing in the end, because we went into the cocoon dorky little caterpillars and came out big ugly punk rock moths. We conclude with a story of Ben’s punkest time ever . . . at a They Might Be Giants show in Detroit.

Sara: Solemn Oath - Punk Rock for Rich Kids American Pale Ale 4.0
Dan: Pabst Blue Ribbon - Beer of Punk
Tim: Whalers Brewing Company Rise American Pale Ale 3.75
Ben: Brewdog Punk IPA 3.0

Track Listing:
The Misfits - Where Eagles Dare
FEAR - I Believe I'll Have Another Beer
Dead Kennedys - Police Truck
Dillinger Four - Doublewhiskeycokenoice
Powerline - Stand Out (Goofy Movie Soundtrack)
Green Day - Brain Stew
Ludacris - Ho
The Offspring - Why Don't You Get a Job?
Osker - Strangled
Osker - Alright
POS - We Don't Even Live Here (Weird Friends)
The Studs - Donner Family Christmas Party
Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
Against Me! - We Laugh At Danger (And Break All the Rules)
Adolescents - Kids of the Black Hole
Blink 182 - All the Small Things
System of a Down - Chop Suey!
Disturbed - Down With the Sickness
The Dicks - Hate the Police
The Ramones - Happy Birthday (The Simpsons)
Vitamin String Quartet - Birdhouse in Your Soul (They Might Be Giants cover)

Punk Rock Saved / Ruined My Life

15. Punk Rock Saved and/or Ruined My Life (Punk Rock)

Tim is victorious - he has seen his enemies driven before him, and he does a terrible Li-Quar during BOTW in celebration. As a Midwestern ex-pat, Tim explains that we don’t actually have seasons here, we just have shitty weather and nice weather . . . and guilt. Dan starts rambling about “freshwater people” and how “great” in “Great Lakes”  isn’t hyperbole, then we discuss the Midwest’s role in American labor history, “pop vs soda,” Midwesterners’ beef addiction, and of course, that fuckin’ accent, yah know. In the end, “Midwestern politeness” is actually “Midwestern solidarity.” We got no other option out here in the cold, man. And those fuckers we hate? Well, God bless ‘em. Ben ends the episode by rambling incoherently about his cousins in Mexico, Calvin and Hobbes, and having a creek near your house. Maybe we all got a little too drunk on this one. Ope!

Dan: Three Floyds Alpha King American Pale Ale 4.0
Sara: Bell’s Two Hearted American-Style India Pale Ale 3.75
Ben:  Brickstone Brewery American Pale Ale 4.0
Tim: Founders Dirty Bastard Scotch Ale 4.5
BONUS LI-QUAR: Jagermiester Cold Brew Coffee 0.0

16. Midwest Solidarity, Not Midwest Nice (The Midwest)

The gang giggles about Trump having ‘Rona, then Dans turns BOTW into a soapbox, before he goes and turns the topic of the week into a soapbox - that topic, incidentally, is college. The complaining commences immediately, with Tim describing his career as “fail-lord” college dropout who got scholarship'd into a fancy grad school. Statistics reveal that Ben, who checks “some college” on forms, is actually the “everyman” of the podcast, as only 35% of the country has a bachelor’s degree or higher. But he still attended the hero of this episode - the University Closest to LaGrange Avenue. In the end, three things are decided - trade schools are good, college is way too much of a scam, and the Iraq War? It was bad, folks. (recorded 10/3/2020)


Ben: Goose Island Goose IPA 2.5
Dan: One Allegiance Brewing Feelin’ Easy American Pale Wheat 3.0
Sara: Pabst Blue Ribbon 2.0
Tim: Founders Brewing Oktoberfest German-Style Märzen 4.25

College!? Fuck That Shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!

17. College!? Fuck That Shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon! (College)

It’s a bit of a rough start this week. Ben seems like he’s gonna do a bit, but then he doesn’t do a bit. Or does he? Anyway, eventually, it’s time to talk about the gang’s favorite holiday, Halloween! Ben even did some research on Wikipedia. The psychic connection to death during the Midwest harvest season, those stupid costumes with the picture of the character on the smock, scary movies that suck, scary movies that don’t suck, rooms with bad vibes and Bachelor’s Grove cemetery are all discussed. (recorded 10/17/2020)

Tim: Long Live Beerworks Oktoberfest German-Style Märzen 4.0
Ben: Goose Island Brewing Next Coast IPA 3.5
Sara: Three Floyds Brewing Zombie Dust Pale Ale 3.0
Dan: Rogue Brewing BatSquatch Hazy IPA 3.75

The Terrifying Origin of Dr. Wülfhans

18. The Terrifying Origin of Dr. Wülfhans (Halloween)

The kids are asleep, and those two guys who join Dan and Sara every week have commandeered the podcast. It was a really shitty week, so they unwind with an extra-long Beer of the Week, and go on to bully the jukebox for a while, then Tim drinks bourbon, and Ben nearly dies of laughter because of the fast part in Blues Traveler’s “Hook.” 

Ben: Two Brothers Brewing Pinch of Grace India Pale Ale 3.75
Tim: Alchemist Beer Focal Banger American IPA 4.75 
BONUS LI-QUAR: Maker’s Mark Kentucky Bourbon “Excellent”

TRACK LISTING:
Mountain Goats - Best Ever Death Metal Band Out of Denton (Live)
Mountain Goats - I Saw the Sign (Ace of Bass) (Live)
Mountain Goats - Golden Boy
Jawbreaker - Chesterfield King
Television - Marquee Moon
Richard Hell - Blank Generation
The Replacements - Bastards of Young
Laura Jane Grace - Androgynous (The Replacements) (Live)
The Replacements - Androgynous
Elvis Costello - (I Don't Want to Go to) Chelsea
The Ramones - I Don’t Wann Grow Up (Tom Waits)
Elliot Smith - Needle in the Hay
Richard Hell - Love Comes in Spurts
New York Dolls - Personality Crisis
Mink DeVille - Spanish Stroll
The Damned - Neat Neat Neat
Sex Pistols - Anarchy in the UK
Warren Zevon - Werewolves of London
Warren Zevon - I Was in the House When the House Burned Down
Warren Zevon - Carmelita
Fugazi - Waiting Room
Coriky - Clean Kill
Egg Hunt - We All Fall Down
Blues Traveler - Hook
Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Kind of Life
The Ramones - Happy Family (Live)

BONUS: The Kids Are Asleep Presents: Ben and Tim Present: Bullying the Jukebox

Ben dances with the devil in the pale moonlight, then following Beer of the Week we get to the topic at hand - Tim got COVID-19! He regales the gang with his harrowing tale of survival, and introduces us to a lesser-known COVID symptom subset - the dreaded Butt-COVID. Then everyone giggles about Donald Trump, braces for the Presidential election that was just around the corner, and Dan cops to the anti-robot bias of the podcast. (recorded 10/30/2020)

Ben: Goose Island Lager (Natural Villian?) 1.0
Dan & Sara: Clausthaler Original Non-Alcoholic 3.0
Tim: Single Cut Brewsmiths Inexplicably Used Umlaut 4.5

Tim Got COVID

19. Tim Got COVID (2020 Wrap-Up Part 1)

Tim attempts to perform a “lag-test” and it does not go well, but there’s a Warren Zevon song involved, so there’s that at least. After dispensing with Beer of the Week, Jokerfied shenanigans from Ben, Tim singing show tunes, and generally stalling in any way possible, the gang moves on to the topic - the awful, terrible, no-good, never-fucking-ending 2020 Presidential election. Thank God that shit is over. If you’re a real sicko, you’ll enjoy this one. (recorded 11/21/2020)

Ben: Goose Island 312 Urban Wheat Ale 2.25
Tim: Black Hog Brewing Black Hog IPA 3.75
Dan: All Rise Brewing Sell Out New England IPA 4.0
Sara: All Rise Brewing Cease and Desist Lager 4.5

TRACK LISTING:
Warren Zevon - I Was in the House When the House Burned Down
Snoop Dog & Dr. Dre - Smoke Weed Everyday
George Thorogood And The Destroyers - Bad To The Bone
Night Birds - Born to Die in Suburbia
Naked Raygun - Soldiers Requiem
West Side Story - Jet Song
Kool & the Gang - Celebration
Warren Zevon - Lawyers, Guns and Money (Live)

20. 2020 Election Special (2020 Wrap-Up Part 2)

Four friends share laughs after the kids fall asleep. We talk a lot about beer, a little about politics, then turn to our topic of the week - sprinkled liberally with clips from punk rock songs, cult movies, and classic Simpsons episodes.

The Kids Are Asleep

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