I was driving in my car, the stereo was blasting
The greatest hits of the 70's I was publicly broadcasting
Nothing like driving while listening to the Bee Gees
I love to join in with their three part harmonies
Turn the volume up, throw the tape in the deck,
And cruise along with my windows down in my three door discotheque

Well Barry was singing in his high pitched falsetto
Then Robin he took over with his signature vibrato
I caught the disco-virus through my radio receiver
I developed a bad case of Saturday night fever
And even though I was driving I was too far in the groove
So I Busted out a few of my John Travolta moves

I pointed at the sky, I pointed at my feet
I twirled my hands around to that jive talkin' beat
But all of a sudden my dancing dream did end
When I noticed a police car was tearing round the bend
His blue light was flashing, the siren it did wail
I never thought that golden oldies would wind me up in jail

I pulled the car over to the side of the road
The policeman approached reading the Highway Code
He said "Don't you know Sir, that it's highly illegal
To impersonate a Bee Gee operating a motor vehicle
That kind of thing was outlawed in the late 70's
After several in-car-discos led to fatal tragedies"

I got a hefty fine, I got three points on my license
From that day on I promised myself I would drive my car in silence
Never again will I over take doing the electric boogaloo
Never again will I double-clutch in a pair of platform shoes
Time to turn the stereo down, I'm gonna hang up my flares
And put an end to this dangerous driving Bee Gees love affair

Now many years have passed, but I still find it tough
With tears in my eyes I turn the engine on and I hum 'How Deep is Your Love?'
But I try to stay strong, every day is a fight
To stop myself doing the hustle, while waiting at traffic lights
Oh how I miss the days other drivers would rubberneck
As I cruised along with my windows down in my three door discotheque

My Three Door Discotheque

I got me a friend he'll say quite seriously,
That everything is a huge conspiracy,
He'll say "There's that bridge in town, I'm sure you know,
It was built about 150 years ago,
By Isambard Kingdom Brunel,
I'm sure you've heard of him, you know him well,
But to cross Avon Gorge using just suspension,
That fella clearly had bad intentions,
You see, Brunel came from outer-space,
And he built that bridge as an alien base,
And to meet his martian traveling needs,
He built a railway station, called it Temple Meads,
And that boat you call the S.S Great Britain,
Is an extraterrestrial aquatic prison",

I say "Hey friend, you clearly don't know,
John Hawkshaw or William Barlow,
You shouldn't believe all that you hear,
regarding aliens as civil engineers".

Intergalactic Kingdom Brunel

I remember back when I was young
The tall green trees I could hide among
And drinking from a clear blue lake
Upon the soft warm earth I would awake

But things are so much different today
Where there once was green, now there's grey
It's been so long, since I've been here
210 million years

I'm Thecodontosaurus, my species antquus
I'm Thecodontosaurus, my species antquus

It was the Rhaetian period to be presice
It was a tropical paradise
Being near the equator was magnifico
It was the Mendip archipelago

But when I was excavated it was Durdham Down
I couldn't recognise my own home town
It's been so long, since I've been here
210 million years

I'm Thecodontosaurus, my species antquus
I'm Thecodontosaurus, my species antquus

Thecodontosaurus (species antiquus)

My mamma worked on a logging camp
Hauling timber somewhere in Thailand
But with driving hook and harness rope
They drove her so hard until her body broke
When they laid her to rest she had blood on her face
But when I looked into her eyes they still looked the same
I long for the day, I get to see those eyes again

I was not old enough to look after myself
So they shipped me off to somewhere else
On a cargo boat across the Indian Sea
In the dark I wished I had a friend with me
In a wooden box I spent so many days
I dreamed I slept in my mother's grave
I long for the day, I get to see sunlight again

When I arrived in this foreign land
Christina was here and she took hold of my hand
We walked together through the town
And if I got a little scared she could calm me down
She eased my grief and took away my pain
She taught me how to feel love again
I prayed that these days, would never end

We shared our lives for 20 good years
Until one day I faced the worst of my fears
Christina died just like my mother before
I couldn't cope with the loss anymore
They said crying was no solution
So they locked me up in this institution
I long for the day, I get to meet my friend again

Now the only kindness I see
Is from the people who are paid to look after me
I've never really known what freedom is
But I'm pretty sure that it isn't this
I'm getting so old I can't walk anymore
I wonder how long this life can go on for?
I beg for the day, I get to feel some love again

I was 40 years old when death came to me
Even though I was scared I was finally free
I slowly awoke in a place that I knew
Christina was there and my mum was there too
They put their arms around me and held me tight
They promised me everything would be alright
I am so glad, this day will never end

Wendy

Father is an expert of gastronomy
He wrote the Clark's pie philosophy:
"Never try to eat one while you are driving,
You'll end up with gravy dripping off your chin,
Unless you want a pastry burn right on your face,
Never put the bugger into a microwave".

Back in the days of 1993
A terrible disease hit the meat industry
Mother was scared that we'd catch BSE
Panic gripped the beef community
"But all is not lost" my father said to me,
"You buy one pie and they will give you seven free".

Recently my father has began to claim,
"The recipe has changed, things ain't quite the same,
The filling is dry" I'd hear him complain,
"They must have put the breaks on the gravy train,
But I don't want restrictions on my food chain,
Give me gristle, give me knuckle and brain".

Papa Got Dem Ol' Pastry Blues

We were only looking to get a rum and coke
We found a bar full of very strange folk
Things got interesting, with Egyptian arm wrestling
I took a chance and nearly tore my pants, in a Bhangra dance

We got separated for a little while
When we found each other we celebrated in style
Into a gun rack, ten vodka shots were stacked
But the orange slice and cinnamon spice, made us think twice

Lets get some food and go to the hotel
Before we're killed by the Latvian cartel
Get a tasty pancake treat full of doner kebab meat
And then retreat in a taxi fleet, to the hotel suit

We got dropped off at the market square
But for some strange reason the hotel wasn't there
Oh what we gonna do? I'm feeling so confused
Suffering the homeless Riga blues

We wandered through the freezing cold night
My hairless chest was like a block of ice
We didn't do ourselves any favours, wearing slim fit fashion blazers
Trying to survive in minus five, just barely alive

Then the meanest man that you ever saw
Started selling potatoes on a market stall
Well I think we are in luck, we could help unload his truck
Maybe in the back, take a nap, on tater sack

But we ended up in an all night soup kitchen
Full of homeless people coughing and itching
And in that foul stench, we slept upon a bench
Until a deafening scream from across the canteen disturbed our dreams

The owner kicked us back onto the road
She could clearly see that we had lost all hope
Like an angel from the gospel, she pointed to a hostel
Over there she said you'll find some beds, to rest your heads

So for twenty Euros we managed to hire
A twin room with a deluxe hairdryer
And still wearing our shoes, we took a little snooze
And forgot about the homeless Riga blues

But things were even worse when we awoke
Captain Morgan was still sailing the boat
Groggy and unsanitary
Looking at the lavatory
Hands shakings, belly aching, heart palpitating

It was already early afternoon
We'd better find the others pretty soon
I've already tried phoning, but I'm not set up for roaming
And the battery life on my device, did not suffice

So we wandered back onto the market square
Shell suits and sandals everywhere
We still had no clue, what we were gonna do
Flashbacks of homeless Riga blues
Oh what we gonna do? I'm feeling so confused
Suffering those homeless Riga blues

Homeless Riga Blues

I serve and protect, I enforce the law
But if you cheat me at cards
I'll tear the goddamn flush off your bathroom wall

Better not mess with me kid, there will be some serious beef
If you open up that window
And a seagull flies in and steals my false teeth

You can call me, Detective
Detective Mofo

You won't ever see a gangster eating his tea from 8 O'clock onwards,
Forget all about Compton,
This G is coming straight outta Halfords

Where the car park was like a gangland
Combat was fought hand-to-hand
Customers were carrying contraband
But no... you wouldn't understand

Cus you were, not there
You were not there man.

Straight Outta Halfords

B.L.U.E.S (Dubstep Son House Sample)

Dylan cover, possibly Cash in the Attic on in the background.

Tombstone Blues

Back in the year of 1763
Prime minister John Stewart, that bastard said to me
"I'm gonna tax your cider, and you must pay the fee,
On every hogshead brewed four Shillings you give me"

So if you lived in Devon, Gloucester, or Somerset
Growing Kingston Black, Fox Whelp, or Tanner Reds
Be you young or old, be you rich or poor
The Exciseman would come and kick in your door

So fill your glass with Scrumpy, and raise it up high
To the West-Country men that wouldn't lay down and die

With our privacy invaded and our rights betrayed
We found us a splendid Taunton Fair Maid,
Chopped her down at her roots and dressed her in black crepe
We mourned at the funeral of our murdered cider trade

But in the heart of Bristol we took a rebel stand
The taxmen were seized and paraded through the land
And of Lord Bute, we built an effigy
And for a cheering crowd he was burned for all to see

So fill your glass with Scrumpy, and raise it up high
To the West-Country men that wouldn't lay down and die

We took another knock, from George Granville
When he opposed the tax repeal
But the cider riots raged, we wouldn't bow or kneel
We rose up as one in the streets and in the fields

Until a glorious day came in 1766
When common good prevailed over shameful politics
The day of the oppressor was finally put to rest
And the cider drinker celebrated all over the South-West

So fill your glass with Scrumpy, and raise it up high
To the West-Country men that wouldn't lay down and die

Now your home is protected from parliament and crown
Your windows may be broken and your roof falling down
The wind may blow through and the rain come pouring in
But no unwelcome guest shall enter be him pauper or king

Repeal Of The Cider Tax

I will keep you safe in our bed at night,
No need to wake up, everything's alright,
When I die, I want to be here in your arms.

I'll hold you close, the whole night through,
As long as your with me I'll be here for you,
And when you die, I'll hold you in my arms.

Deet Da Dee, Doot Da Doo...

Take off your shoes, pass me that wine,
Open them curtains, lets see the sunshine,
I could die happy in your arms.

Deet Da Dee, Doot Da Doo...

Take off your shoes, pass me that wine,
Close those curtains, lets have a good time,
I could die, happy in your arms.

Yes I could die, happy in your arms.

In Your Arms (Deet Da Dee, Doot Da Doo)

Attempting to chronicle Bristol related anecdotes through poorly executed music.

Kingswood Slim

Popular tracks