the first (and maybe only) look into my upcoming first ever full length album, set to release towards the end of 2021. this was the first song i ever wrote for the LP back in 2018, without the intention of even making an album (or music for real for that matter). i can't believe it's taken 2 years to finally see this piece fleshed out into a full work of art. huge huge huge thank you to theron and asmat for being a part of this very emotional and significant song. another big thank you to my godbrother, reuben, for bringing my visuals to life.

although this was initially written with a particular person in mind at the time, it has since translated over to many people i care about, who are fighting battles others don't always see. whether you're the soldier at war, or the comrade supporting your person from afar, i hope you know that neither of you are alone in this. they will be ok, as you will be. i hope you hear each other, somehow.

music & lyrics by kotoji
drums by theron lim (@thesnarkymusician)
additional piano, keys, and synthesizers by asmat t.(www.instagram.com/a_t_b_r/)
mixed & mastered by asmat t. @ AOR Studios
photo & artwork by reuben foong (www.instagram.com/reubenfoong/)

Lyrics:

My mind goes into a tornado of scenarios
I really don't need it to do that
'Cause with every scene and act means
One less with you in this life

And I'm not ready
I'm not ready
I'm not ready to face that

You're throwing yourself into a black hole
I hate to see you go that way
You don't need to behave like this
It's not worth it

And I'm not ready
I'm not ready
I'm not ready to face this

Why won't you let me
Why can't you let me
Why won't you let me
Just let me in 
Let me in
Let me in

Please Don't Do It

track 09 of Scribbles of the First

produced by kotoji & Asmat T. (www.instagram.com/a_t_b_r/)
all music & lyrics by kotoji
vocals by kotoji
backup vocals by kotoji
crowd vocals by Ajax (https://twitter.com/alnazars), Ari (https://twitter.com/beebcies), Erika Dreskler (http://instagram.com/respectfully), Jared A. Marsh (https://twitter.com/JaredAMarsh), Rainor Dale (@rainordale), Theron Lim (@thesnarkymusician)
electric guitars by kotoji
bass by kotoji
drums by Theron Lim (@thesnarkymusician)
additional guitar, piano, keys, and synthesizers by Asmat T.  and kotoji

vocals recorded at AOR Studios (https://www.instagram.com/aorstudiossg/)
mixed and mastered by Asmat T. at AOR Studios

Lyrics:

Love should feel like coming back home
Love should feel like being cared for
Love should feel like being understood
Love feels warm

Love is serious in all its playfulness
And love can sometimes be tough
But love is always intentionally pure
And love is a flame that keeps burning

No matter how small or big
It is kind
Forgiving to a point
But never till you're blinded
To grow, to trust and to commit
To keep in touch 'cause it's worth it
Are you?
Are you love?

Love shouldn't be painful or silent
Love shouldn't have to be tolerant
Love won't throw itself away
Or fall into the arms of nothing

Love is aware and love is work
A work that is willingly done
'Cause love will always be there for you
If you know how to maintain it

No matter how small or big
It is kind
Soft, sweet and supple
With no need to hide
To learn, admit and to commit
To keep it alive 'cause it's worth it
Are you?
Are you?

No compromises
No hesitation
No holding onto
No resilience 

No compromises
No hesitation
No holding onto
No resilience 

Love should feel like
Love should feel like
Love should feel like
Love should feel like

Love should feel like
Love should feel like
Love should feel like
Love should feel like
Love should feel like coming back home
And I’m learning to love myself more

Scribbles of the First

Are You Love

track 08 of Scribbles of the First

produced by kotoji & Asmat T. (www.instagram.com/a_t_b_r/)
all music & lyrics by kotoji
vocals by kotoji
backup vocals by kotoji
acoustic by kotoji
additional guitar, piano, keys, and synthesizers by Asmat T.  and kotoji

vocals recorded at AOR Studios (https://www.instagram.com/aorstudiossg/)
mixed and mastered by Asmat T. at AOR Studios

Lyrics:

Those withered butterflies
Come back alive
With a different pattern 
Of fluttering inside

Those withered butterflies
Come back alive
With a different pattern 
Of fluttering inside

[Behind Closed Doors Riff]

What Happens Next Is Entirely Up To You

track 07 of Scribbles of the First

produced by kotoji & Asmat T. (www.instagram.com/a_t_b_r/)
all music & lyrics by kotoji
vocals by kotoji
backup vocals by kotoji
acoustic & electric guitars by kotoji
bass by kotoji
drums by Theron Lim (@thesnarkymusician)
additional guitar, piano, keys, and synthesizers by Asmat T.  and kotoji

vocals recorded at AOR Studios (https://www.instagram.com/aorstudiossg/)
mixed and mastered by Asmat T. at AOR Studios

Lyrics:

Guess I really am still young
Inexperienced
But somehow I am not
Curious

Maybe it's 'cause I’ve got pride
Maybe it's 'cause I’m too caught up in my grind
Or maybe it's the way my heart still folds in two
Whenever I’m alone in a room with you

I say it so easily to everyone else
With you I put my walls up
It's not that I don't feel for you
The way I do for them

I'm just scared of meaning it too much
I'm just scared of bringing things up
I'm just scared
I'm just scared of losing you

Turn my clocks upside down
Just to be with you
Take a chance, you always seem
To come through

Is It all just in the clouds?
My brain melts in your mouth
When I make you laugh, it's so satisfying
I can hear my memories crying

I say it so easily to everyone else
With you I put my walls up
It's not that I don't feel for you
The way I do for them

I’m just scared of meaning it too much
I’m just scared of bringing things up
I’m just scared

I can see your canine smile
Through the speakers
Midnight eyes crinkling up at the sides
Just like old times

You could feel it in the air
Ooh, the way you pulled your hair back
One wrong move or too long a stare
And it all would've fallen apart

But we kept it safe
We kept it clean
We cared too much to let it
Rip from the seams

But again, once again
I’m still selfish, waiting on a promise
That may never have its moment
I’m just scared I meant it too much

‘Cause what we have is good
Don't wanna ruin what is good
‘Cause for now, we are good

What we have is good
Don't wanna ruin what is good
For now, we are good

Let's just stay good
For now
For now

For Now, We Are Good

track 06 of Scribbles of the First

produced by kotoji & Asmat T. (www.instagram.com/a_t_b_r/)
all music & lyrics by kotoji
vocals by kotoji
backup vocals by kotoji
electric guitars by kotoji
bass by kotoji
drums by Theron Lim (@thesnarkymusician)
additional guitar, piano, keys, and synthesizers by Asmat T.  and kotoji

vocals recorded at AOR Studios (https://www.instagram.com/aorstudiossg/)
mixed and mastered by Asmat T. at AOR Studios

Lyrics:

Walking by felt easy
I didn't get that feeling
That I used to all those years ago
Where I held your hand and more

It seemed so far away
That point of no return
Now that I’m here, the air is clear
I’m better than I was before

Looking back on all our footsteps
Traces of innocent infatuation
Do you remember when you kissed me
At the back of the car
How quiet we were
In the Uber listening to Lauv

I don't regret it one bit
I don't regret it
I don't regret it 
Anymore

Spiteful, petty, passive aggression
Thought I had outgrown these habits
Scared of getting my hopes up
So I gloss over in silence

It hurts me to not
Live my truth
And truth is I care about you, a lot
More than you deserve
More than you will ever know

I don't regret it one bit
I don't regret it
I don't regret it 
Anymore

I will remember you
The you who really loved me
Before the mask got sewn in too tightly
I know you're in there, somewhere
I know you're listening
My spring street honeybee
Please say something

Anything, Anything
Anything, Anything
Anything, Anything
Anything, Anything

I don't regret it one bit
I don't regret it

Spring Street Honeybee

track 05 of Scribbles of the First

produced by kotoji & Asmat T. (www.instagram.com/a_t_b_r/)
all music & lyrics by kotoji
vocals by kotoji
backup vocals by kotoji
electric guitars by kotoji
additional guitar, piano, keys, and synthesizers by Asmat T. and kotoji

vocals recorded at AOR Studios (www.instagram.com/aorstudiossg/)
mixed and mastered by Asmat T. at AOR Studios

Lyrics:

You are everything that moves
Everything that hurdles towards the sun
I can't control the way you orbit
Around my brain

Such a silly thing
Delusional wishes
I am praying to a god that doesn't exist
Hoping that something is brewing

Underneath the surface
We're going ten thousand leagues deep
Two or ten cups and a malachite heart are
All I need to believe in you

A promise laid out in keys
Signed in ink to seal the deal
I asked to unpin it
Before the year ended

I was scared that neither of us
Would follow through
Those words are tattooed on my cranium
Unfortunately

I don't have the means or guts
To go for laser removal surgery
I’m sorry for the way I am
And who I think you should and could be

Underneath the surface
We're going ten thousand leagues deep
Two or ten cups and a malachite heart are
All I need to believe in us

Let's go to the park
Lay in the grass 'til dark
Let's binge watch some movies
My eternal sunshine of a spotless mind

With your head on my shoulder or my head on your chest
Our hands interlocked till the credits roll up
We will kiss and make love
Like we did before

Underneath the surface
We're going ten thousand leagues deep
Two or ten cups and a malachite heart are
All I need to believe in me

Underneath the surface
There's something you should see

Underneath The Surface

track 04 of Scribbles of the First

produced by kotoji & Asmat T. (www.instagram.com/a_t_b_r/)
all music & lyrics by kotoji
vocals by kotoji
backup vocals by kotoji
electric guitars by kotoji
bass by kotoji
drums by Theron Lim (@thesnarkymusician)
additional guitar, piano, keys, and synthesizers by Asmat T. and kotoji

vocals recorded at AOR Studios (www.instagram.com/aorstudiossg/)
mixed and mastered by Asmat T. at AOR Studios

Lyrics:

Secrets on my tongue
Before kisses without second thoughts
A simple witty "So?"
Bloomed a field of forget-me-nots

I'm trying to get in line
Faced with illegible highway codes
You're nightcruising in Arizona
Cayenne hills, the open road

Now you have love around you
While I'm still wrapped in solitude
Envy to the third degree
Is this reminiscing or jealousy

Every time I look to my rear view
My mind gets drawn back to you
I must be a masochist 
I'm caving in, I'm caving in

Do I actually regret it
Knowing what I know now
How I could've been better
Had I been taught how

It really wasn't your fault
You were just doing your best
I dragged you into depths
That were never part of our agreement

Now you have love around you
While I'm still wrapped in solitude
Envy to the third degree
Is this reminiscing or jealousy

Every time I look to my rear view
My mind gets drawn back to you
I must be a masochist 
I'm caving in, I'm caving in

Can never despise you
No matter how hard I try
You're essential to everything
That I've become, the reason why

I can sing and craft a symphony
With just my fingertips
For you truly saw me
When no one else did

How you raised your voice at conflict
When I knew I couldn't win
How unfair it all was
Even though you didn't understand it

How I wish I had someone to stand up for me
The way you did
How I wish I had someone who'd just hold my hand
And listen

Despite all of the pain
We endured
You never left me behind
Though you could
But we both know you still 
Wouldn't choose me
So I’ve ceased all vulnerability

Caving In

track 03 of Scribbles of the First

produced by kotoji & Asmat T. (www.instagram.com/a_t_b_r/)
all music & lyrics by kotoji
vocals by kotoji
backup vocals by kotoji
electric guitars by kotoji
bass by kotoji
drums by Theron Lim (@thesnarkymusician)
additional guitar, piano, keys, and synthesizers by Asmat T.  and kotoji

vocals recorded at AOR Studios (https://www.instagram.com/aorstudiossg/)
mixed and mastered by Asmat T. at AOR Studios

Lyrics:

I can't look at your face
Anymore
Each time that I do, it
Makes me yearn
For a time when things were
Simpler

You look just like how I
Remember
You're still the same as 
Ever
Your hair, your eyes, your
Stature

Oh my summer love
The height of my youth
My virgin blues taken away
By you and your breath
How it moved in me
Through me

The mask that you wear is
Crumbling
You know I can see through
Everything
Your pain, your fears
All the walls you built

Oh my blonded love
The hurricane in your mind is absurd 
Don't be afraid
Leave your world behind and
Come find me
Baby

Don't look away
I'm still
Here to stay
If you will, if you will
If you will take my hand

But he's gone now and I can't have him back
Reclaim him as much as I want through
Fantasies and inside jokes
Well, everyone knows

Everyone knows
Everyone knows
Everyone knows
Everyone knows

This Is Why You Don't Check Social Media First Thing In The Morning (Everyone Knows)

track 02 of Scribbles of the First

produced by kotoji & Asmat T. (www.instagram.com/a_t_b_r/)
all music & lyrics by kotoji
vocals by kotoji
backup vocals by kotoji
electric guitars by kotoji
bass by kotoji
drums by Theron Lim (@thesnarkymusician)
additional guitar, piano, keys, and synthesizers by Asmat T.  and kotoji

vocals recorded at AOR Studios (https://www.instagram.com/aorstudiossg/)
mixed and mastered by Asmat T. at AOR Studios

Lyrics:

My mind goes into a tornado of scenarios
I really don't need it to do that
'Cause with every scene and act means
One less with you in this life

And I'm not ready
I'm not ready
I'm not ready to face that

You're throwing yourself into a black hole
I hate to see you go that way
You don't need to behave like this
It's not worth it

And I'm not ready
I'm not ready
I'm not ready to face this

Why won't you let me
Why can't you let me
Why won't you let me
Just let me in 
Let me in
Let me in

Please Don't Do It (Album Version)

track 01 of Scribbles of the First

produced by kotoji & Asmat T. (www.instagram.com/a_t_b_r/)
all music & lyrics by kotoji
vocals by kotoji
backup vocals by kotoji
electric guitars by kotoji
bass by kotoji
drums by Theron Lim (@thesnarkymusician)
additional guitar, piano, keys, and synthesizers by Asmat T.  and kotoji

vocals recorded at AOR Studios (https://www.instagram.com/aorstudiossg/)
mixed and mastered by Asmat T. at AOR Studios

Lyrics:

You came in unannounced
And it threw me off my feet
The way you said "Hello"
As you sang from across the sea

Made me less lonely
Gave me that feeling
I've been wanting since I was 16
Didn't think that you'd leave me

Before the year end
Before the year end
Really thought we could make it through
I wish I could talk to you

And maybe there's a point to the way that things are
And maybe I'm still grieving for who you were
I'm bitter out of habit 'cause
Anger is easier than
Admitting to the truth
That I'm not over you

But I know
We're better off this way
Time needs to hurry now
Before I go the wrong way

Behind Closed Doors

like a lot of my songs, i wrote this 2 years ago and now i've finally brought it to life. it's the first of more to come, and i'll always be thankful for it.

music & lyrics by kotoji
mixed & mastered by kotoji (special thanks to theron lim and rainor for the extra guidance)

Lyrics: 
It's been a lovely evening
I've had the pleasure of being with you

You make me feel something
For what it's worth
I want all of it, and all of you

But there's this voice screaming in my head
That I'm about to make the biggest mistake that I'll regret

They're talking so loud, I should push it all aside
Still, it kills me that I can see where they may be right

I'm pulling the trigger
I'm resting my head on you
I don't know where we're going
But I hope I can count on you

I'm scared of the future
And if those words will turn on me
That maybe I've been wrong
All this time
That maybe we're not meant to be

On mornings, when you greet me
It gives me strength to know that you love me too

How have we made something
From coincidences
We can't deny, it must be fate

Still there's this voice screaming in my head
That I'm about to make the biggest mistake that I'll regret

They're talking so loud, I should push it all aside
Still, it kills me that I can see where they may be right

I'm pulling the trigger
I'm resting my head on you
I don't know where we're going
But I hope I can count on you

I'm scared of the future
And if those words will turn on me
That maybe I've been wrong
All this time
That maybe we're not meant to be

Roulette In My Head

✨この音はanji🎶

hi i'm kotoji, an indie rock singer-songwriter musician based in new york

i write and make songs about my life and share them when i deem them ready to be

contact: contact@kotojimusic.com

kotoji

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