Lost Cause

Capt. Jack L. Francis

LazerBear was formed from the ashes of Ten Ninjas, which was formed from the demise of The Mansur, which was born from the demented sweaty loins of The Albert Fish Trio, all of which are directly or indirectly offshoots of the great Grand Funk Railroad.

Years after The Mansur had imploded in a whirlwind of drug abuse and self importance, Tito Martel and his brother Chip Kavanaugh (drums) began assembling a motley group of musicians for a new project called Ten Ninjas. With help from the lightning fingers of Ace Becker and bottom pounding of The Sanch, the Ninjas trained and learned the ancient arts of RawkandorRoll, until their beloved drummer was summoned to serve with Odin against the armies of Strangler, the 10th ninja. The project could not continue without their brother, and the Ninjas disbanded, going their separate ways, to sleep for another century.

But their mission was not complete, and Tito was born again, stronger and faster than ever before, as the nefarious Johnny Cone. He roused his brothers and they enlisted the help of kidney shattering drummer, Virgil Haynes to help rokk the world's faces off under the banner of the mightiest of creatures, the ever dangerous killing machine: The LazerBear. Sadly, as drummers so often seem to, Virgil met with an untimely end when he was consumed by an angry whale, leaving the mighty LazerBear again searching for a beat.

Associate member and mesh shirt aficionado Ricky Fillmore helped fill the void as they searched for a new drummer and along the way they encountered a wandering one man band who they called The Lomez. Seeing his potential, they invited him to bring his knee symbols and wrist maracas into the group, which gave them newfound hope and inspiration in their search for a drummer. After an exhaustive search involving plenty of beer, a variety of pork products and many questionable massage parlours, they returned home only to find Curly Tenenbaum playing a flaming drum kit right on their front porch. Never ones to question the will of Odin, Curly was immediately invited join them, and LazerBear was once again whole, and able to bring their roar to the masses.

Sadly, as drummers so often seem to, Curly met with an untimely end when he drowned swimming in a pool of Miracle Whip, the epitome of sheer rock opulence. LazerBear then turned to The Duke of the West Coast Style, the famous Duke Pencilton to keep them in exquisite time as they again searched to find a new drummer.

But, like Kwai Chang Caine in Kung-Fu, The Duke is a wanderer, and he was summoned to ply his trade in the big city, and spread his mastery of the West Coast Style. Seeing LazerBear's plight, Odin urged associate member and mesh shirt aficionado, Ricky Fillmore, to join as their new full-time drummer. Ricky agreed and signed up for a tour of duty, moving his mesh shirt and ski goggles into the LazerBear cave. Re-energised by his addition, they began to write a wealth of new material with plans of recording in the near future. 

So it goes..


LazerBear

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