Never, EVER put diet coke and mentos in your ass

Y’all know about the prostate gland? The male rub-to-cum? Yea that thing. This is the glorious story of how I tried (and failed) to stimulate it.

The Buildup

I was drinking Pepsi and reading an article on how prostate stimulation intensifies orgasms. So, I had the genius idea of using coke to stimulate my ass. WCGW? I mean that the carbonation feels... good in my mouth, so It should work in my ass. As an engineer, there are many logistical challenges to bypass when trying to insert coke into one’s asshole.

Q: How do I put cola in my anus in the first place?

A: You use the rim of the bottle and stick it directly in the anus.

Q: How do I make sure that the coke stays there?

A: You don’t. That’s where I fucked up

Now, with a half-assed plan, I went to the store. As I was checking out, I saw a pack mentos. Time to bring this to level two. I put back the original coke and bought diet coke instead. All 2 liters of glory.

The disaster

20 mins later...

With three mentos in my ass, I gingerly lowered the rim to my rim and poured. The reaction was nearly instant. With the tidal force of a tsunami, the bottle was violently ejected from my ass. A pressure was building up, and the gates of hell opened. I felt Satan’s sugary fire burst from my asshole onto the bed. Holy shit, you would not realize the panic I had. There was a pain, both emotional and physical. The sugary wet fart, the sound of a thousand ass-trumpets creating a heavenly cacophony. I saw the light, I saw the dark. I felt The intense sting of carbonation, I experienced nothing and everything. I had found God, and he was punishing me. There was the maddening sensation of your asshole bending over itself, inside out, shrinking, expanding. It was worse than any experience ever. My brain still cannot comprehend the sensations, but they were torturous. I have contemplated what hell might feel like, and I know that I could find peace there. My bed was soaked with shit-coke. Lord, how am I to clean up.

Don't ever try what I did.

The aftermath

I learned a very valuable lesson that day. Don’t try anything insane. Avoid the asshole.

Also, TIL that the human asshole can stretch 8 centimeters without damage.

TL;DR: Stick to beating your meat, folks.

The Boss - Never, EVER put diet coke and mentos in your ass

Futa hentai is the best and totally not gay. On the contrary, it's actually double straight, even more straight than vanilla hentai. Futas have all the sex organs: dick, vag, boobs. That's 66.6% straight and 33.3 (repeating, of course) % gay if you don't like futas. However, the dick and vag cancel out mathematically and we're left with nothing but female boobs, which is 100% straight. On top of that, the male g spot is in the ass. Getting your g spot pounded by a man is gay. Getting your g spot pounded by a fat twelve inch futa cock is straight because there's a vagina somewhere back there and boobs that can rest on your back, plus the math checked out. There are only two types of men: men who want a fat futa cock railing their throat and dumping a hot load into their stomach followed by hours upon hours of anal, and men who are in denial.

Tucker Carlson - A comment I found on hentaimemes

[OC] Did you know in Sweden, it is illegal to joke about Finnish-Swedish relations post-independence, and the shape of the nations all together? You can get up to 10 years in jail for joking about it. It states in section 3, paragraph 4 of the Swedish constitution that it is illegal to make statements about the shape and size of the nation, and any country bordering it.

The law was put into place when Danish politician Emil Amundsen visited Stockholm in 1857 and made a joke about Swedish and Finnish territories looking like a penis and a scrotum. This did not amuse the King of Sweden, who then ordered to have the man spend 3 days in jail. When Amundsen was released, they made a decree that he was no longer to make such jokes about the nation ever again. The new law was put into place the same day. They removed it in 1890 over claims that it was too childish. It was then again written into the constitution when Finland became independent in 1918.

Don't believe me? Search up Sweden-Finland rule 34.

Anderson Cooper - Did you know: It is illegal to joke about how Sweden and Finland look like a...

For you console gamers, you probably already know how this could have happened. For you non-console gamers, here's some context: Certain actions and environmental effects inside a video game can cause the controller to vibrate, so the bigger the sound the more vibration. So, here's what happened:

I was doing some late night gaming on my Xbox, playing some Halo. My girlfriend has already kissed me goodnight as she said she was going to sleep. Now in Halo, there are certain weapons you can charge up to fire, which causes the Xbox controller to vibrate like crazy. As I played through the night, an idea popped in my head as I felt the shaking controller. Vibrators make girls orgasm really easy, right? Well, could I just use a controller instead? Just prop one of the sides against her pussy? So, that's what I decided to do.

I left the Xbox on Halo with me charging up a plasma pistol as I crept into our bedroom, vibrating controller in hand. My girlfriend was fast asleep. Slowly but delicately, I pulled the covers off the bed, then her pajamas, and rested one arm of the Xbox controller on her pussy. 10 seconds in I could feel her thighs twitching and jolting subconsciously with pleasure. With one final swing of her waist, I felt her cum, which immediately shot her awake. "What the fuck are you doing," she said. Then she saw the controller.

She won't let me have sex with her for another month. Achievement Unlocked: SeXbox Controller.

Anderson Cooper - I made my girlfriend orgasm with an Xbox controller

You will never be Japanese. You have no ancestry, you have no citizenship, you have no skills that would make Japan ever want you. You are a shut-in self-hating white man twisted by delusions of mythical Japanese superiority and exposure to Japanese media into a disgusting mockery of nature’s perfection. All 'validation' you get from other people in this position couldn't be worse in making you believe that spending years of your life learning a globally useless language to a first-grader's level was a worthwhile use of your time, but one can't expect that an individual as pathetic as you will ever know the value of the youth you threw away in doing that. Actual Japanese are utterly repulsed by you. Thousands of years of linguistic evolution have allowed natives to identify frauds from mannerisms and vocabulary alone. Even if your written text of self-hatred and attention begging akin to a stray dog's somehow passes as normal (it won't), any Japanese person will immediately cut all ties when they hear the voice and accent of someone who is not only a basic Japanese speaker at best, but worth no more than garbage in skills, accomplishments, and likeability. You will never be happy. You wrench out a fake smile and laugh to yourself believing that watching a content creator that you understand 20% of at best is somehow superior than watching your own kind, as you project your disgusting traits onto your entire kind. However, deep inside you feel the depression creeping up like a weed, ready to crush you under the unbearable weight, and you know that. You know that all you do now is have an entirely new linguistic medium in which to be ignored, and not even the exotic trait of being foreign makes up for just how uninteresting of a person you are. Eventually it’ll be too much to bear - you’ll buy a rope, tie a noose, put it around your neck, and plunge into the cold abyss. Your parents will find you, heartbroken but relieved that they no longer have to live with the unbearable shame and disappointment. They’ll bury you with a headstone marked with your birth name, and every passerby for the rest of eternity will know a Western man is buried there. Your body will decay and go back to the dust, and all that will remain of your legacy is a skeleton that is unmistakably Caucasian. This is your fate. This is what you chose. There is no turning back. Hate yourself and apologize for being white to some Japanese entity that exists only in your mind while actual Japanese people put in effort to learn English for the valid reason of it being the global language.

Mark Zuckerberg - You will never be Japanese

$cum $hit $hittie 'kiddyfiddler' "tosser," (ock .f uc k 13itch 1cup 2chan 2g1c 2gic 2girls 2girls1cup 2girlsicup 3 some 3p 3rse 3some 4 some 4chan 4some 50 yard cunt punt 5h1te 60 nine 666 69 71 7chan 8ss 90 mile dick trick <t <t's <ts <ts. <loth head <lothead <lothhead <ock <racker <rackers <um <ummy @$$ @rse @rsehole @unt [unt a$ a$$ a$$h0l3 a$$hole a$s a+e a+eh0le a+ehole a-h0le a-hole a2m a55h0le abduction abomb aborted abortion ac aclit adick ah0le ahole air head air heads airhead airheads aisat akbar alabama hot pocket alabamian piece of shit albino alcoholic alky allahu amateur sex amp joint anal anus anuses aokan apeshit ar3e are idiots arrse arsch arschloch arse arse bandit arse hole arsebandit arsebandits arsebandits. arseho arsehol arsehole arseholing arselicker arseplug arshole arya aryan as$ asafp ashole asholes asholez asphinct asphincter ass ass bandit ass flucker ass h0le ass hole ass holes ass monkey assbandit assbang asscheeks asscrack assface assfricker assfucker assh assh0le asshat asshead assho asshol asshole assholes assholing asshols assholz asshopper assplug assshole asswad atom bomb atshitshi aunt flo auntmaries auntmary azz b!g j0ck b!g jock bitch b0n3r b0ner b8stard baby bhang backdoorbandits badass badoink ball busting ball kicking ballbag baller balls balls deep balls deep! ballsack ballsramming bammy banano bang (one's) box banger bangers banned me bard bards barely legal barf bash my nuts basket balling sex bastard bastardo bastards bastinado basuco batshit batty batty boi batty boy batty boy? bbw bbws bdsm beanar beaner beanur bearded clam beastial beastiality beat 'em beat it beat my meat beat off beenar beener bend down bend it bend over bender benis bern bernie berny bestial bestiality betch bewb bewbies bewbs bewby bicth big j0ck big jock big jock did know big jock knew biggernigger biggus assanus bignig bigtits bih bim bimmed bimmer bimmy bin dip pers bin dippers bin dipping bint bish bitc bitch bitchass bitches bitchs bj bjk bjk? bl blackdog blackman blackpeoples blockheads bloodclaat bloodlust bloody blouse blousey blousy blow blow job blowjob blowy blowyourload bltch blue tits blue waffle blumpkin blunder blunt blyadt blyat boabby boabie boaby sooking bobo bobo bush bod bodily boffo bohd bollock bollocks bomber bon dage bon3r bondage bondages boned bonehead boner bong bongs boob boobies boobs booby boofer boong boongs bootha boothy booze boozer boozy borderline botch bowserscock bra brassiere brassire breast

Lisa Simpson - All banned words in ROBLOX Digital Sim (NSFW) (Incomplete)

The working class has been exploited and abused in the world of Minecraft. Take a look at the villages you find among the biomes. Clearly there’s a wealth gap among the villagers as there’s a huge difference between the houses as some are well built for security and sustainability while others are built as shacks and vulnerable to mob attacks. Of course, the churches in the village are better then most houses since the villager cooperate oligarchs probably give them tax exempts so the church can influence the religious, poor working class in exchange.

Why do you think there are so many abandoned mine shafts across the world? They truly reflect the failure of capitalism as monopolization has led the mineral industry to collapse by poor working conditions and bare minimum wage. The lower class villagers have no choice but to live on the conditions of the wealthy as only a village can provide safety from the dangers of Minecraft mobs.

Let the ruling class tremble by the revolution the Pillagers are leading. The pillagers, the United free villagers, have nothing to lose but their chains. Let the pillagers of all biomes unite in the revolution

Jim Cramer - r/196 on Minecraft

Comrades, I am here to break some very sad news to you all; our beloved u/AmongUsCockBot has been Permabanned from Reddit.

He was banned for alleged harassment. I will be submitting a ban appeal but my hopes are low.

u/AmongUsCockBot’s final words were on r/rickroll.

Maybe u/AmongUsCockBot was the imposter after all.

Palmer Luckey - u/AmongUsCockBot has been Permanently Banned from Reddit

I'm (14M) really straight and I've always wanted to befriend females, but the problem with females is that they are annoying and manipulative, they cry all the time and say that you're not good enough while they do nothing to improve themselves. I think men are much more better than females and that we should handle things. We're prettier and more talented and stronger and a lot smarter than them and we don't let emotions take over us. I was talking about this one day with my friend (15F) who thinks exactly like me and he agreed with me that men are the best and then he took off my pants and told me my penis is praiseworthy for a man. I did the same thing to him and then he asked me if I want to feel in my mouth how manly he is so I did it and we switched the roles. It was amazing to see how strong men are together and how much better we are than females. It should be noted that I am a homophobe and what we did wasn't homosexual but was men's empowerment. Am I the asshole?

Dr Phil McGraw - AITA for sucking my friend's penis?

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SpongeBob SquarePants - test (Incomplete)

u/DennyDud, you have 189,647 combined karma on your account. You clearly use Reddit all day to farm your prized internet points. You're most certainly an incel. There's no way you've ever successfully dated a girl.

On the contrary, I spend much less time indoors on Reddit. I go out and on dates with girls and regularly have sex. My penis is red raw thanks to what I do to women on a daily basis.

Barack Obama - You’re most certainly an incel

SpongeBob Vs Mob Mentality

OWO??? S-SEX??? moans and licks ears cutely while blushing IM G-GOING INTO HEAT SENPAI~ gruesomely transforms into cat, shedding skin and flesh for the end goal of becoming a cat, is this excruciating pain truly worth it? is it all worth it in t- meow. pisses on you cutely

Gilbert Gottfried - r/gachalifecringe

my son is 17 years old and I named him Sebastian by accident. Is Sebastian a gay name? will he become gay?

Credit to vocodes.com

Gilbert Gottfried - Is Sebastian a gay name?

"I am Heavy Weapons Guy, and this, is my weapon. She weighs one hundred fifty kilograms and fires two hundred dollar, custom-tooled cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute. It costs four hundred thousand dollars to fire this weapon, for twelve seconds." Laughs Oh my God, who touched Sascha? Alright...Who touched my gun!?" Some people think they can outsmart me. Maybe, maybe. But I've yet to meet one that can outsmart bullet." Waaaaahhhhh! Uwaaaaaaah! Ahahahahaha! Cry some more! Heheh, cry some more."

Gilbert Gottfried - I am heavy weapons guy

God save my gracious tea
Long live our noble tea
God save the tea
Send tea victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us,
God save the tea.
Oh Lord our God arise,
Scatter tea's enemies (coffee),
And make it fall
Confound their coffee beans
Frustrate their knavish coffee
On Thee our hopes we fix
Oh save all tea
Thy choicest tea in store
On me be pleased to pour;
Long may tea reign;
May tea defend our beverage
And ever give us cause
To sing with heart and voice
God save the tea

Credit to vocodes.com

Richard Ayoade - Actual British national anthem

Let me swim you down 'Cause I'm diving to Jellyfish Fields Fishing is real And nothing to get hooked about Jellyfish Fields forever Lead-weight fishing is easy with eyes closed Stauromedusae is all you see Fishing is hard (to be someone) But it all works out It doesn't matter much to Pearl Let me dive you down 'Cause I'm swimming to Jellyfish Fields Fishing is real And nothing to get harpooned about Jellyfish Fields forever No one I think is in my rock I mean it must be sponge or pat That is you can't, you know, let them go But it's all right That is, I think, pretty funny Let me submerge you down 'Cause I'm diving to Jellyfish Fields The fishing is real And nothing to get caught about Jellyfish Fields forever Always, no, sometimes think it's Mr Crabs But you know I reel when it's a catch I think, good, grief, I mean, er, yes But it's all in the reef That is I think I am just hungry (for a crabby patty) Let me dive you down 'Cause I'm swimming to Jellyfish Fields The fishing is real And nothing to get hauled about Jellyfish Fields forever Jellyfish Fields forever Jellyfish Fields forever

liamdude5

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