“I have a question about church discipline or how you handle a lack of church discipline or involvement from the church when trying to help someone. Though I don’t have a current situation, it appears that church assistance should involve counsel, instruction, and, in some cases, the church’s discipline to restore a brother or sister to Christ. What if this is not happening? Is there still a way to help those in need? How do you engage the church’s help when the church isn’t interested in following God’s instruction? What if the person you are caring for knows the church isn’t helping and loses heart for the church or disengages from the church?” – Supporting Member

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When the Local Church Won't Help You

Sometimes, you can't stay at your local church. It's sad, but it happens all the time. You have to leave; when it happens, it's one of the more gut-wrenching seasons in any God-loving Christian's life. You love the Lord and His people, but for biblical and conscious reasons, and after gaining advice from helpful friends, the only option on the table is to find another local church. The good news is that there is a way to leave your church well. And there is a way to leave poorly.

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How Do You Leave Your Church?

If you isolate a portion of Scripture from the narrative of the Bible’s story, you can misunderstand its meaning, complicating your life and triggering our unregenerate friends. Isolating texts is why some Christians struggle with many of the Bible’s declarations. Being worthless is one of those declarations. Imagine lifting Paul’s words about us from its context, isolating it from the whole counsel of God. It could be devastating. What did Paul mean? Why is such a harsh perspective on humanity essential to our ultimate good?

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The Mystery and Misunderstanding about Being Worthless

One of the most counterintuitive messages for anyone to accept is their inherent badness. Most people think poorly about themselves but they will not accept that overcoming what’s wrong with them is affirming those negative thoughts. If you think poorly of yourself, you’re on the right path to wholeness. The Bible’s declaration is we are worthless. We are not good people. The culture says you are somebody. They believe that people are inherently good. The Bible says we’re not that special. I’m not speaking of self-worth that flows from the Imago Dei but a futile belief system that says we are good people outside Christ’s alien righteousness.

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Knowing Your Bad Is the Beginning of Being Good

One of the most challenging things a person will ever do is tell others the secrets of who they really are. I’m not suggesting we blab all our stuff to everyone, or even our deepest, darkest secrets that only God knows, but there is wisdom in inviting at least one trusted friend into our more vulnerable thought life, a person who can handle our unsavory truth. Ironically, many Christians will not do this even though we’re all messed up. Nobody is perfect. Too bums on the street not talking about what is apparent to both of them is odd.

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I'm Imperfect, You're Imperfect, Let's Get Over Ourselves

What is the schizophrenia unicorn? Understanding the truth behind the fictitious animal has more relevance than you might imagine. In Dr. Daniel Berger’s latest book, The Schizophrenia Unicorn, you will learn how the disorder label is a misdirection that offers false solutions with which so many people struggle. Finally, the truth about schizophrenia is here with the hope and help the struggling soul needs.

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How Do You Help a Person Who Is Stuck on Herself?

Love is a verb, an action word. It moves, always going in one direction or the other. Love will not work if it is not moving toward something. You will find it sandwiched between a subject and an object because, always expecting the subject to move it toward the object. Love standing alone is a neutral concept; it cannot survive without the giver and receiver. We see this threefold cooperative requirement of love in the most famous verse in the Bible.

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There Is a Reason You Should Love Yourself and Others

Newsflash: I have always known that something was wrong with me, but for the longest time, I did not know what it was. As I became older, I realized that it was an internal awkwardness, a sense of shame. To compensate for my soul dysfunction, crave acceptance or approval from others. I fell prey to self-generated value, even manipulating others to like me. I connected my value as a human to the opinions of others. It would have been a good day if they had given me the proverbial thumbs up. If they gave me the thumbs down, the clouds rolled in as I slithered away in search of significance another way.

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The Most Effective Way to Feel Better About Yourself

There is confusion among some believers over Christ’s words about loving others as we love ourselves. The sticking point is about what loving ourselves mean. Typically, it runs along the lines of, how do you love others as you love yourself as fallen people with mixed motives? I see the ditches, with self-hate in one and self-love in the other. How can I love myself correctly and appropriately care for my fellow image-bearers? This concept of loving God and others as I love myself is murky to me.

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What Does It Mean to Love Others As You Love Yourself?

Shows Main Idea – Does the Great Commission apply to you? I'm assuming you are a Christian, and if so, how are you imitating the gospel and exporting the gospel to your sphere of influence? The question sounds elementary at first glance, but upon a deeper analysis, is there an argument for not obeying the Great Commission? If there is no argument, then how are you doing it? What does discipleship look like in your life? In this presentation, Rick helps us learn how to equip each other practically within their local churches.

Show Notes: https://lifeovercoffee.com/podcast/ep-499-practical-soul-care-a-biblical-response-to-the-great-commission/

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Ep. 499 Practical Soul Care: A Biblical Response to the Great Commission

Shows Main Idea – Mark E. Shaw, DMin, is the newly hired Nocatee Pastor of Counseling at First Baptist Church in Jacksonville, FL, and the Founder of The Addiction Connection (TAC). Having certifications with TAC, ACBC, IABC, and ICAADA, he offers the “Hope of the Gospel for the Heart of Addiction” in his teaching, counseling, and writing. As the author of twenty-eight publications, including The Heart of Addiction and Understanding Temptation, he leads a network of Commissioned Addictions Biblical Counselors (CABCs) who believe the Holy Spirit and the Word of God are sufficient to address addiction issues.

Show Notes: https://lifeovercoffee.com/podcast/ep-500-dr-mark-shaw-and-the-heart-of-addiction/

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Ep. 500 Dr. Mark Shaw, and The Heart of Addiction

Sex is a beautiful thing. A sinful sexual temptation is not, but giving into sexual temptation is worse. As fallen creatures, though redeemed by God, these temptations will always be part of our human experience. After the fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, every person has struggled with distorted views of sex and sexual temptation. These problems are some of the universal assumptions you can make about anyone. We assume such things because of fallenness, but not out of condemnation. We have a mutual understanding of our human condition and need for transformative grace. In this chapter, I will be addressing every man’s battle with sex.

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Why Men Struggle with Sexual Temptation

Though it would be simpler to place the lust problem in the lap of one gender, it would bring harm to God’s Word because lust is every person’s temptation. Perhaps a couple of synonyms for lust will level the playing field, holstering our tongues to where we’re less likely to go, “Ready! Fire! Aim,” and react more soberly as we consider the wisdom in the sequence of the log and speck (Matthew 7:3-5). I was thinking about these things when I received this letter from a friend.

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Men Are Tempted to Lust and Women Are Tempted to Be Lusted After

Strangers marry each other, and whoever you marry, you marry all of them, including their mind. Though you trust God with your future marriage partner and hope for the best, you know there is an element of mystery about how things will go because you will never be 100% aware of who your marriage partner is. Though it sounds pessimistic, it is a recognition of your finitude and your responsibility to ensure that your dating relationship is a sober opportunity for clear-headed decision-making and courageous choices. For the girl, she must understand sexual temptation, specifically how it has affected her boyfriend. As my friend, Mable, was thinking about these things, she wrote me the following letter.

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Understanding Your Boyfriend's Sexual Temptation

Most of us understand the traditional definition of porn addiction. Typically, it’s in the context of a guy lusting after a girl. Active lust toward another person is the primary way porn is acted out in our culture, but it is no longer the exclusive twisted domain of men who won’t control their eyes and actions. There is another kind of porn addiction that is unique to women. It’s a backward porn addiction, as one lady told me during a counseling session. This porn addiction carries a similar idea of lusting, but directionally it’s different—the woman wants men to look at her. She attempts to capture the eyes of a man.

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Backward Porn Addiction: Drawing Attention to Yourself

Lust does not mysteriously appear in the heart of a teenager as though it came from nowhere. Teens are like the rest of us. Lust is part of their Adamic wiring, a sobering call for every parent to cooperate with God in shaping a child’s heart and life to a purer desire that is in Christ alone. This call is more than academic; the parent must model their message, giving their child a living illustration of God’s love to another person. Let me illustrate this point by sharing the fictional account of Biffina that shines a light on a real-world problem that is not fictional in too many of our young people’s lives.

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How Can I Get Guys to Lust After Me?

While summer is an appreciated and welcomed relief from the blistering cold of winter—for those of us who have winters, it does bring a different difficulty to our lives. The summer months draw attention to our universal struggle with sex, sexuality, and temptation, with the modesty debates taking a prominent role in our conversations. The knee-jerk reaction is to blame our fallen counterparts without careful consideration of what the Bible says regarding universal depravity and every human’s temptation to turn what God intended for good into something that will tantalizes our lust-filled desires. The sober-mindedness of the mature believer considers personal responsibility and communal input. These careful Christians understand the sin’s complexities and their common blindspots that do not discriminate.

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Too Much Skin, Girl. Too Much Skin

Pornography is a pervasive sin in the sense that the outward behavior—viewing porn—speaks to a heart idolatry that is not as evident at first glance. Though there is wisdom in cutting off porn behavior (Matthew 5:29-30), the only way to be truly free is by rooting it out at its source, which implies identifying the idol that feeds the porn addiction. There will be many idols operative in a porn person’s heart. You may find the idol of comfort, respect, control, power, or reputation. Though this chapter will not deal with the rooting out of these idols, it’s vital for those caring for the caught individual to understand that there is more happening with the person in porn than what meets the eye.

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What Should a Single Girl Know about Guys Struggling with Porn?

Too often, discussions about modesty digress into contentious sparring matches between Christians with differing perspectives on secondary issues. Usually, it’s the legalist and the liberal thinking believer, a sad commentary about our Christian maturity in light of the horrendous things that are happening all around us. We can be like kids arguing over the bigger piece of candy when these privileges sugar-fixes are less common in many parts of the world where having anything to eat is a daily struggle. In a culture like ours, where we’ve been spoiled for so long, the tendency is to devolve into less weighty matters speaks to how easily our hearts curve into themselves.

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Modesty Wars: Hyper-grace Versus Legalism

Hey Rick, What Does Your Wife Wear to the Beach?

Most of the counseling that I do is marriage counseling because it is in the context of marriage, where two sinful people have to live within proximity to each other for an extended period. Most other relationships have an exit strategy. Kids can leave the home—eventually. Friends can unfriend each other on social media. Like good wood, church folks can split, too. However, in marriage, it’s death or divorce, making the degree of difficulty for leaving more complex. What if a couple had a biblical strategy, creating a restorative pathway to bring hope and help to their covenant while staving off the worst possible scenario?

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Powerful and Practical Questions to Change Your Marriage

Shows Main Idea – Small group life can be an amazing experience, or it could be the most frustrating part of your week. Knowing how to lead a group well while envisioning the members as active participants does not happen without a game plan that includes understanding, intentionality, and equipping. Here are eight essentials that every small leader needs to know to make the most of their small group experience. After you have read the essential and provided a brief explanation, will you answer the question for each essential? Perhaps sharing your conclusions and solutions with a friend would further instill these truths into your life and small group experience.

Show Notes: https://lifeovercoffee.com/podcast/ep-93-eight-essentials-for-an-exceptional-small-group-experience/

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Ep. 501 Eight Essentials for an Exceptional Small Group Experience

The sex talk begins in a child's toddler years as they learn about sexuality, intimacy, and relationships through the attitudes, words, and interactions of their parents. Sex is a shame-laced subject because of our mutual fallenness. One talk just before they head off to high school is not enough to help them think right about gender, identity, and sexuality. Even our worldly counterparts—though they give the appearance of no sex shame and have all the answers—are not free from sexual entanglements.

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The Sex Talk Begins in the Toddler Years

The goal of parenting is to rear a child to adulthood as a man or woman living under God’s authority. The hope-filled goal is for your child to step out into God’s world that final time, as they exit your home, as a person under His authority. The transition from when they once submitted and obeyed you, now they desire to submit to and obey God as an adult operating as missional agents in His world. This process of training a child to that future aspiration happens in three stages.

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Tips on Parenting a Child from Zero to Adulthood

Every home is a laboratory where parents have the privilege of incrementally introducing their children to the culture around them. This incremental child development process prepares them to live in and engage in their world as adults while not being overcome by the culture. The proactive and intentional parent does not wait until the child is an adult to teach them how to live like an adult.

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Incrementally Introducting Your Children to the World

It is impossible to engage our culture at any level and not hear their language, including curse words. Whether it is social media, a television show, or a stroll in the park, our culture’s words do not discriminate or care about our worldview. Because of the unending assault of their language upon us, the questions every caring parent must answer is who is going to teach their child the culture’s language, and when is the proper time to do it.

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Wise Parents Teach Their Children How to Curse

Statistically speaking, the chances of your son or daughter being married are greater than them spending their adult lives as singles. This likelihood is not inside information but public knowledge. Boys like girls and girls like boys, and most boys and girls will tie the knot in holy matrimony, even though there has been a multi-decade assault on marriage between a man and woman. How do you prepare your son to be an excellent future husband to a wonderful lady? When would you begin? My answers may surprise you.

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Teaching Your Son Today to Be a Great Husband Later

The wedding day is not the best time to learn how to be a spouse. Too many young couples begin this way. Without prior marriage training, they had to figure out how to get along with each other in the school of hard knocks. Some of them do not endure their marriage, which is why we chose to give our son three wives. If practice makes perfect, the assumption is that we could help him get close to what it means to be a biblical husband—should that day come.

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My Son Has Three Practice Wives to Make Him a Better Husband

Is there a terrific way to introduce the sex talk to your child? Every parent is faced with the challenge, though every parent does not think about sex the same way. Of course, there are a few parents who kick the sex talk can down the road, assuming they will learn eventually. I suspect if you brought the sex talk up to a group of adults, there would be a mixed bag of responses.

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Terrific Way for Introducing the Sex Talk to Your Child

The sex talk is a transitional time in a child’s life, but long before you have the talk, your child will have a worldview and practice in place that will form the backdrop for how he will process what you’re telling him during the sex talk. His home environment forms that worldview and develops his relational habits long before he learns about the most intimate aspects of male and female relationships.

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Practical Advice Before You Have the Sex Talk with Your Child

One of the most exciting and bittersweet times in a parent’s life is walking their child through the sex talk. It’s the season that leads them into adulthood. It’s the secret handshake that lets them know that the curtain of childhood is dropping and a brave new world is in front of them. It’s exciting because you are the one leading her. It’s bittersweet because your little kid is growing up.

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Practical and Effective Instructions for the Sex Talk

Profound suffering came into my life. I hurt without mitigation. In time, the challenges were so bad that I didn’t care if God took my life. I was not going to kill myself, but if the Lord wanted to, I was not opposed to it. The difficulties and disappointments were beyond my ability to fix it. As Paul said in 2 Corinthians 1:8, I despaired of life itself, which was odd in light of what he said in Romans 8:28 about all things working together for good. I was perplexed; how could what I was going through work together for good?

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What Does "All Things Work Together for Good" Really Mean?

One of the more common complaints I hear from spouses is when one of the partners in the marriage talks about being alone in the marriage. These lonely spouses perceive a seemingly invisible barrier between each other. It's a communication barrier they cannot change because the deepest and most intimate component of marriage communication is uniquely spiritual. While couples can relate in many ways, there is one way that is non-negotiable if you intend to engage each other like Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:25-33). That spiritual component is an intimate three-person dynamic between the husband, wife, and God. I'm not necessarily talking about praying together, going to church, reading the Bible, or other churchy things—all vital aspects of a sound marriage. I'm speaking of in-depth and comprehensive spiritual communication. 

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Day 1 Marriage Devotion: We Are One In Communication

What is the most important quality you would like to have in your life? Of all the qualities to choose from, there is one transcending quality that must be at the top of your list. That one transcending quality is God's glory. If your desire to glorify God is the chief aim of your life, there is a fantastic chance you will experience a meaningful and satisfying life and marriage, even should your spouse not meet some of your expectations. There is nothing that transcends this God-centered quality in His image bearers.

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Day 2 Marriage Devotion: The Most Important Thing

We are one body (Hebrews 13:3). When I sin—no matter what it is—my wife has a responsibility for that sin. She would never say, "That's Rick's problem. That's his sin." No, it's our sin. She is not guilty of my sin, and she does not repent of my sin, but she has a role to play because she is me, and I am here—we are one. When I sin, she runs to my aid by calling me out or caring for me. She becomes my discipler—my mentor.

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Day 3 Marriage Devotion His Problems, Her Problems: One Problem

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master's University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).

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