Brain Picking Picks

On @designmatters, Debbie Millman interviews the celebrated writer and philosopher Alain De Botton about love, life, and everything in between.

Follow @designmatters for more invigorating conversations with artists, writers, designers, and other creative thinkers.

Background, context, and highlights: https://www.brainpickings.org/2016/06/27/alain-de-botton-the-course-of-love/

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Design Matters: Alain De Botton

Many people fall into a mental trap when working on themselves. They think, “If I know it, I can change it.” Yes, self-awareness is critical because you can’t change what you’re not aware of, but nothing really changes if it stays at the level of the intellect. When you have a mental understanding, that information fits within your existing belief system, becoming a strategy. Many of us in insecurely attached relationships tend to take this new information and apply it to the object of our desire. We don’t necessarily apply it to ourselves emotionally.
 
Change comes from feeling, not thinking. It’s like listening to this podcast. Either you’re going to take an emotional risk or you’re going to say, “Oh, yes, I get it. That makes sense! Maybe I’ll try that later when it’s safe.” Unfortunately waiting for “safe” means waiting forever. If you don’t embrace the fear and discomfort that comes with emotional risk, you’re just playing a game of mental ping pong. Intellectualizing your life leads to repeating the same things over and over. In an insecurely attached relationship you will go over the same dynamic when you intellectualize or strategize change. And change is an illusion when it remains in someone else’s hands… not your own. 
 
Many of us are willing to take mental risks, but not emotional ones. So what’s an emotional risk? Speaking your truth; showing the real you; expressing what you’ve been repressing; detaching from outcomes. The greatest job, relationship, etc. won’t matter if you mentally manage your life. That isn’t where fulfillment stems from. If you do it emotionally, it will be different.

Brain Picking Picks

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