im so washed out destroyed and used
after yrs of the same abuse
no amount of soap can clean this filth off of me
no amount of praying can free me from these sins
i am the furthest from pure that anyone could be

i am filth & i am disgust
am the epitome of scum

i destroy anyone i touch
i know everyone i love will surely die
and i will be left alone to rot

i want to slice every part of me open
i want to bleed out on my bathroom floor
so fcked i can barely see
everything is so fcking washed out
i want to scream but i think if i start
it will be impossible to stop
everything is so much 
its unbearable

i cant find any release
i cant find any relief 


i am filth & i am disgust
am the epitome of scum

i am filth & i am disgust
i destroy anyone i touch
i know everyone i love will surely die
and i will be left alone to rot

i have become everything i despise 2018 w gravekissr <3

02/21/2018

lyrics:

i've been dreaming about dying
no one thinks i'm trying
will always be seen as the girl who could have been more
the sadness is so intense that it physically hurts

my chest is heavy
i feel like i might burst

the world is a beautiful place
but i am not a beautiful person
my body is a hollow and disgusting home filled with nothing but empty space

i tend to worry myself sick
especially over things that will stick
i'm overly dramatic
and everyone calls me crazy
and god, i'm so incredibly lazy
i've never seen someone as useless as me

i know this is all i will ever be

theres beauty in the world that i am not part of

im watching the lights out of my window
maybe i should jump out
to get a better view
as im falling down and down and down
around around around
and i fall down and down and down

disconnect.wav

I want u to hold me and tell me its ok
I want u to make all my nightmares go away
I can barely think with rc in my teeth
and ur in another realm not awake but not asleep

Id like to be together in heaven or in hell
I dont mind if we fall forever in our wishing well

rc in my teeth not awake but not asleep
Id like to be together in heaven or in hell
I dont mind if we fall forever in our wishing well

https://soundcloud.com/cleowalksthroughglass <3

wishing well w/ cleo

i cant even comprehend it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me sobbing to daddy by korn lol

cover art: @c3of
prod: @killoceans
mixing: @zyrom

lyrics:

skin to skin
face to face
you open up my lips
i swallow, don't taste

skin to skin 
face to face
stitch to stitch
swallow, "bitch, don't taste"

infinite love, infinite embrace
infinite hate, infinite waste

in the palm of my hand
I hold the key
the secret of the land
the heart of the sea

all that I know
all that I breathe

when you close your eyes
yet still, you see

the dip in your chest
where I once rest
praying to my heartbeat
pure and raw flesh

all that I know
all that I breathe
I close my eyes
yet still I see

skin to skin
face to face
I open up my lips
I swallow, don't taste
don't wanna taste

taste [prod kill oceans]

production: @killoceans

lyrics:

cut me open, I'll sew me shut
writhing currents in my guts
with my stapled skin
tear off my garments

rip me to shreds
rip them to shreds
tear me to shreds
tear them to shreds
rip me to shreds
rip them to shreds
tear me to shreds
tear me to shreds

tear me

pull out my teeth, no need to bite my tongue
i called the mortuary and they wanna hear my song
pull out my teeth, no need to bite my tongue
i called the mortuary and they wanna hear my song

mascara on my cheeks
whisper, whisper to me
whisper, whisper to me
whisper, whisper to me...

pull out my teeth, no need to bite my tongue
pull out my teeth, no need to bite my tongue
i called the mortuary and they wanna hear my song
pulled out my teeth, no need to bite my tongue
i called the mortuary and they wanna hear my song

i called them
wanna hear my song?
i called them
wanna hear my song?
i called them
wanna hear my song?

i called the mortuary and they wanna hear my song
wanna hear my song?

mortuary [kill.oceans]

REMIX: @user-920808170

-- i grab her hand. shakily, she grasps onto mine. i say i love you, she loves me back. i say i'm sorry; it was not her fault. --
‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎
‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎
░▒▓█►─♡ 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 ♡─◄█▓▒░
‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎
fawns are very dear to me, majestic. when i see a fawn or deer, i know it is a sign of good luck.
‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎
fawn/freeze is an often overlooked (c)ptsd trauma response that i have and still struggle with to this day, but am working on it.
it is different for everyone.
it can appear as people pleasing, walking on a tightrope. hyperawareness.
attempting to do whatever you feel needs to be done to make yourself safe, small.
‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎
i often feel like a ghost, like i do not exist or am pretending to be a human, but failing miserably.
‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎
freezing mixed with fawn is my main response, and it is an uphill battle that i have been taking on.
‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎
if you need additional resources, please feel free to email me, dm me on instagram, or even tiktok. you are not alone and neither am i. ♡

fawn ♡ ciroqlee remix

02/09/2018

lyrics:

the aching inside of my chest
is starting to become unbearable
i'm always so terrified 
i lay in bed and cry for my mom
she doesn't show because she doesn't know
how scared i am

she doesn't know that i wake up at 4 
alone and afraid
she doesn't know i've been sleeping with the lights on because
it's the only thing i can do to feel less afraid

my skin is constantly cold and i don't know why but i can't stop shaking
i think something might be wrong
i think maybe i am sick
or maybe it is all in my head
god, i am so pathetic
i don't have the words to say
what's going on in my head right now

i just know that it hurts so much
i need someone to hold me
so tight that the shaking stops
i become less cold
and i'm not so lonely 
so that my world lights up just a little bit more

lonely at 1pm

production and mixing: @zyrom

lyrics:

pills and potions
pills and potions
hold up, listen to me get sober

Sisyphus, stop pushing up that boulder
not every burden is yours
the weight is catching up to you
you're running on sheer adrenaline, my dear
living life on a calorie deficit
everyone and everyone
i'm dead and gone
dead and gone
i'm dead and gone

i know you can make it
you've done it a million times before
you can do it
just get it together, surrender

clots on my shower floor
knees to my chest
woe is me, you're so poor, so so poor
get it together
feel your chest and fucking surrender
this repetition, it's a bore
stop pretending that you're so sore 
clots on my shower floor
with knees to my chest
knees to my chest

living life on a calorie deficit
everyone and everyone
everyone, dead and gone
i'm dead and gone
dead and gone

you're living life on a calorie deficit

burn the life you were given

production and mixing: @zyrom

lyrics:

pills and potions
pills and potions
hold up, listen to me get sober

Sisyphus, stop pushing up that boulder
not every burden is yours
the weight is catching up to you
you're running on sheer adrenaline, my dear
living life on a calorie deficit
everyone and everyone
i'm dead and gone
dead and gone
i'm dead and gone

i know you can make it
you've done it a million times before
you can do it
just get it together, surrender

clots on my shower floor
knees to my chest
woe is me, you're so poor, so so poor
get it together
feel your chest and fucking surrender
this repetition, it's a bore
stop pretending that you're so sore
clots on my shower floor
with knees to my chest
knees to my chest

living life on a calorie deficit
everyone and everyone
everyone, dead and gone
i'm dead and gone
dead and gone

you're living life on a calorie deficit

burn the life you were given (sped up)

burn the life you were given (slowed and reverb)

mix & master: @zyrom


lyrics:
glitter filled tears streaming down my face
with a white slip on and socks with frilly lace
our eyes are intertwined, what is yours is what is mine
i'm always reflecting like a mirror
or maybe I mean refracting?
am I retracting?
little do I know that vines are climbing up my limbs
seeds I planted years ago, unknowingly, but still

how do I see you now?

glitter filled wells cried in tubs years ago
Larina, darling, its okay to let go
our hands are intertwined
our brains, our hearts, and our souls are what we now call mine
less reflecting like a mirror
less dimming and less flicker
now I feel the vines blooming into flowers
i'm not wretched, I did not falter
seeds I planted ago, unknowingly, but still
seeds I planted ago, unknowingly, but still

but still prod dead fave

Detachnreattach

to those who listen, thank you <3 shout out to my dear friend

just a talk

lyrics:

tossing and turning
yet still i dream
sweating and screaming
am i allowed to scream?

everything isnt as it seems
my smiles bright
still i fight
everything isnt what it seems

stomach churning and im yearning 
for a life i cant preserve
stomach whirling and burning
for what once couldve been hers
stomach churning and im yearning 
for a life i cannot preserve
stomach whirling and burning
for what once couldve been hers

everything isnt as it seems
my smiles bright
still i fight
everything isnt what it seems
everything isnt as it seems
my smiles bright
still i fight
everything isnt what it seems

a life i can’t preserve prod STVRFIRE

i feel so small. i wish my mattress would swallow me whole.

I AM SINKING

.............................................................. cring

i cuddle with ur shirts when im alone
i luv ur voicemail so i call ur phone
missing u comes in waves.
i wish u could stay.

we used to hotbox in ur brother's car
wed lay on the ground just to look at the stars
i said i wouldnt make a home out of u
but what else was i supposed to do?

im feeling empty cus ur asleep
i want u to know my heart is urs to keep

my heart is yours

overwhelming consumption of me
emptiness swallows me
the need to feel something eats at me
identity crisis at seventeen

let me turn off the thoughts in my head
go somewhere else instead
bleach my hair, wear more color
start to act just like my mother

unrecognizable fits of rage
if i loved myself
i wouldn't stay
the person staring back at me
is not who i want to be
identity crisis at seventeen

identity crisis at seventeen prod. rizi

baby i dont wanna feel
last night was so surreal
please just get me high
i can teach u how to fly

do u wanna see in my head?
fuck i cant remember what i just said
but i think im already dead

everything hurts
everyday it just gets worse
and im never sure of myself

god is sending me to hell
he wont pick me up when i'm not well
kick around my empty shell
cus im gonna die all by myself

die by myself w/ItsLucid

we don't have to fight
we don't have to die
lets just go get high
i know you don't mind

lets just go get high
no i know u dont mind

lets just go get high prod herms

beat remix by https://soundcloud.com/rotaryxvulgar-beats

i called ur phone and u didnt pick it up
i kno i jump to the worst
should probably wait for u to get back to me first

we picked up sum more candy
and its rly kinda deadly
cus my heart spills all over the place
growing ashamed
dont tell no one my name
i know we have to run away

it dont rly matter where we stay,
a place with u is a place i wanna lay
everytime we kiss i can taste
the bittersweetness of loving while afraid
its not a big deal i wont tell u how i feel
i know that i stress u out
thank u for always holding me down

feel too much prod slendy

can u feel it in the air
u told me not to be scared
in my dreams i wasn't asleep
all the love in my heart spilled outta me
heaven is a place i wanna get to
but i don't wanna go without u

without u
without u
i can't leave without u

do u know what u mean to me
feel like i can finally breathe

prod RXVB

without u prod RXVB

babe i gotta know if u feel the same
when u kiss me do u still get that rush up in ur brain?
i swear i love that euphoria the most
when its gone its got me feelin like a ghost

give me ur heart
give me ur soul
i know ur scared but i want u to get close

wish i could think u back into my bed
even when ur gone i can't get u out of my head
tell me if u meant all the shit that u had said
do u really wish we never did this instead?

i feel my heart breaking
i feel ur feelings changing
don't know what 2 do ,
i miss when u were my safety

taking pills together i don't feel like i will crash
i just want this to last
we don't like the same weather but we should be together
opposites attract and u still fit me like ur sweaters

bad weather prod omgsora

https://soundcloud.com/obscuritys luvu <3

LYRICS

time keeps passing but i don't know when
i'm hurting again
hours are more like minutes and i'm playing pretend

i'm having trouble feeling like i exist
do i exist
i'm having trouble feeling like i exist
i dont exist

i want out but where will i go
the coldness in your eyes reminds me of the snow
nobody's love can compare to the blow

did u become small for someone else
or did u end up losing who u were when u rebelled
do u look back and wish it didn't all go to hell?

time keeps passing but i don't know when
i'm hurting again again again
stuck playing pretend
i pretend but i want it to end
i want out but where can i go

the coldness in your eyes reminds me of the snow
im having trouble feeling like i know

brain fog prod obscuritys

texts left unread
thinking about everything we said
my baby, i'm so scared
i'll wake up to u dead

calling ur number 
but its such a fucking bummer
u sent me straight to ur voicemail
i left a message
and it said

maybe we're better off this way
always begging me to stay
but i'm begging u to let me out
we're still fucking, what is this about?
did we grow apart
or were we doomed from the start
just know i love u
but ur a fool
just know i miss u 
do u miss me too?


beat creds https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6-8FEYuEYg

srry can't get 2the phone rn:/ prod. zeeky

bruises on my ribs
i should have caught my breath

make me look at my skin
and remind me that i lack depth

cold water running down my shins
i cant tell where you end and i begin

my face pushed into my sheets
i guess it wasnt ecstasy

we never spoke of it again
but i can feel it happening like it did then

i dont mean to start a fight
its just that i cant sleep at night

a short story w/phxsphxr

i hate who youve become
I dont love you , no, no
I hate who youve become (no, no)

I don’t love you, no, no
I hate who you’ve become

You don’t love me, no
you just want to go, go go, (was it always like this?)
you dont love me (you showed me your fucking dirt)
you just want to go (i didnt mean to , Im sorry)
you never loved me (the blow made you so cold)
remind me of the snow (no, I can’t)
you grew so cold 
i dont love you, no

when did you get so cold

was it always like this?
You showed me your insides
and now, no, I don’t love you, no

listen closer and maybe you will finally hear me

bear with me cus im not so good w words
but when u call me after work
you tell me youre on that curvy little street
and i feel my heart skip a couple beats

i cant begin to tell u wtf that means
but at the least i know with u i can just be

Larina

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