It's not often I get so excited about a package that I run to the mailbox to get it. But today, my package arrived. It was death in an envelope. My memento mori necklace. If you're not familiar with a memento mori, it's an object meant to remind you that you life is finite, and one day, you will die. Why did I buy it? I wanted a physical reminder that I could have on my body every single day to remind me to be present, and cherish every moment. I've been doing battle with distractions lately. TV. My laptop. Social media. My phone. Sometimes I get through a week and think of how much I could have accomplished, how many books I could have written, how many lives I could have touched... if I had just not gotten on Facebook/Netflix/Youtube/Reddit etc. Can you relate? Sometimes I'm tortured by my unrealized potential... My unfulfilled dreams... They are one of the root causes of my most depressing and anxious moments in life. ESPECIALLY when the unrealized potential can't be blamed on anything but me. My memento mori necklace is a reminder that my time here is limited. I don't want to waste a minute of it... Do you have a memento mori? Something that reminds you of your limited time here on earth? If so, I'd love to hear about it.

Memento Mori

People frequently complain to me about their marriages. They tell me secrets they would NEVER tell anyone else. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. (If you’re unhappy in your marriage, and you reach out to me, that means we’re moving in the right direction.) Today I want to share with you an important pattern I’ve noticed during these with hundreds of frustrated, disconnected, and unhappy couples. They all want the same thing… Freedom. I know this, because the way they talk about their marriage often sounds like a prison. “I feel trapped…” “I feel stuck…” They feel like they’re at the mercy of a disengaged, or unpleasable partner… “He doesn’t ever help with anything. I feel like I’m his mother, or his maid.” “I can never do anything right. Even when I do my best to give her what she wants, she’s still unhappy.” My heart breaks when I hear the desperate stories of a lonely partner who just wants to be set free from their prison, and feel that deep connection they once felt. Inevitably the conversation takes a turn… typically with the same question. “What do I do?” The answer is ALWAYS the same: Freedom from pain, tyranny, and misery always comes with a heavy price. The price is personal responsibility. Wherever freedom exists, someone, somewhere has taken responsibility for a problem, an injustice, or the suffering of others. Harriet Tubman made 13 trips to the south through the Underground Railroad to free over 70 slaves. She made their freedom her responsibility.  (a WNBA star) recently stepped away from her basketball career at the peak of her success to help exonerate Jonathan Irons – a man who’s been wrongfully imprisoned for the past 20 years. Maya stepped up and made herself responsible for righting a wrong that she did not commit. Healthcare workers all over the world are putting themselves at risk to take responsibility for the wellbeing of sick people everywhere. I witness that sacrifice every week as my 7-months-pregnant wife puts on her maternity scrubs, and spends 13 hours a day, 3-4 days per week on her feet, running from room to room, caring for patients. And I see the tears, anger, and anxiety she experiences when she comes home exhausted and angry at people on social media who refuse to protect themselves and those they love. She knows that their lack of responsibility will inevitably put more responsibility and pressure on her and her coworkers… who are already near a breaking point. Responsibility is hard. And ultimately, if you’re feeling trapped, stuck, or imprisoned in your marriage, you have two choices:  Wait for someone else to take responsibility for changing your marriage Step up and take responsibility yourself  What does that look like? Well, to start, you’ve gotta be REALLY honest with yourself. You need to carefully consider, and take responsibility for the choices you’ve made that created your current situation. That type of honesty is never easy. When you peel back the layers and stare the truth in the face, it can be incredibly painful. I’ve seen women who were absolutely furious at their childish and irresponsible husband. That fury transformed into tears when these women realized that they had contributed to their husband’s childlike behavior by treating him like a child… These amazing women didn’t know how to deal with the inherent anxiety and worry that comes up when you have to truly trust someone else to help you get things done. Trust can be scary! It was much easier to micromanage, nag, and complain about their husbands when things were done “wrong way” until, eventually, their husbands decided, “If every effort I make results in disappointment, why even try?” Ooof… that’s a heavy truth to face. I’ve seen husbands hang their heads in shame when they realized that they’d spent decades focused so much on work that they completely missed the opportunity to forge a relationship with their wife or kids....

Do You Ever Feel Like A Prisoner In Your Marriage?

Some people think that to have a good marriage you have to get really good at letting the little things go. They think a good partner will look past the minor dysfunctions that show up in marriage. You just gotta ignore the little hurts that get inflicted over time. I mean, what good is marriage if you’re constantly talking about stuff that isn’t working, right? The science of researchers Gottman, Swanson and Murray shows that couples who have a&nbsp;low tolerance for negativity&nbsp;in their marriage are actually happier, and more likely to have lasting, satisfying love. In a nutshell,&nbsp;happy couples don’t let things build up and fester before addressing them. They call this having a “low negativity threshold.” You might be thinking, “But Nate, didn’t you just write an article about&nbsp;? This seems a little contradictory.” I hear you. Just bear with me for a minute. I promise I’ll provide a good explanation. First, let me start out with a story... One evening a few weeks ago my wife and I were in a hurry to get somewhere. She made dinner, we ate, then left the dishes in the sink. The next morning we both ran to work early and left our breakfast dishes in the sink. That evening we got home and began making dinner again… the mountain of dishes was growing. The pile was magnified by the smallness of our kitchen. There was no space, no clean dishes, and&nbsp;a lot&nbsp;of frustration. My wife - champion that she is - dug through the pile of dirty utensils and food-covered appliance attachments to find something she needed for the food processor. Then I heard her scream. There was blood everywhere. She cut her finger on a sharp blade buried in the mess of dishes. She was in pain, she was frustrated, she was overwhelmed. I was panicking, stressed, and upset. All of this emotional tension, the stress, the literal mess, and the blood and pain could have been avoided if we had just taken a few minutes to manage the mess when it was small before it turned into a mountainous problem! We could have cleaned while we cooked. We could have scrubbed dishes and thrown them in the dishwasher before leaving the house. We could have stayed up a little late, or woken up a little early to make a dent in the pile. We could have hired someone to come help us clean. The problem that too many couples face is that they let the dishes pile up, and pile up, and pile up until someone just can’t take it anymore! They get so frustrated, or hurt that they snap, explode, and lash out. Are you getting the analogy yet? I'll spell it out for you, just in case. Rather than maintain a clean kitchen (healthy, happy, resentment-free relationship) by taking care of the dirty dishes (small hurts, disappointments, and arguments) when they’re manageable, they instead build a tolerance for living in a filthy kitchen (miserable, lonely, anxiety-ridden marriage). Sounds miserable, right? I know you don't want this. You want epic love... not this miserable counterfeit we try to convince ourselves is an actual marriage. Now let’s talk about how to keep your emotional kitchen clean so these meltdowns don’t happen. How You Start Is Important For me, the hardest part about cleaning the kitchen is starting. Once I make some progress and gain a little momentum, the cleaning gets easier… Sometimes it’s even fun. The same is true with the “emotional kitchen” the most important part is simply starting the conversation… and starting it the right way. In his book,&nbsp;, marriage researcher, John Gottman talks about the importance of a “Soft Startup.” A soft startup is a kind way to begin a conversation about something that’s bugging you without picking a fight, or pushing your partner to shut down emotionally. The Soft Startup is all about being gracious and kind and setting your partner to respond with the same kindness. You're ensuring you tackle conflicts as a partnership. Instead of conflict being you vs. your partner, it...

Are You Settling For Less In Your Marriage?

We shouldn't be struggling with this

Did you brush your teeth this morning? My guess is that you did... at least I hope so. You've probably brushed your teeth almost every day of your life since you had teeth. It's a pretty logical thing to do. It prevents cavities, bad breath and gum disease (obviously) as well as a bunch of other great health benefits like preventing heart disease, dementia, and diabetes. But you probably don't think about all those things when you brush, do you? You just do it because it's a good habit you've developed (or it feels gross if you don't). Brushing your teeth is important! You can't just go to the dentist once every 6 months and get a really intense, professional cleaning and call it good. WHEN IT COMES TO THE THINGS THAT MATTER, CONSISTENCY ALWAYS BEATS INTENSITY! So, what's the "brushing your teeth" equivalent that keeps your marriage thriving and healthy? That's what we cover in today's episode.

Did you brush your teeth today?

In May of 2015, Pablo Picasso’s painting Les femmes d’Alger sold at auction for $179.4 million. Until recently it was the highest price ever paid for a painting. Guess how much time Picasso spent painting this work of art? Oh… about a day. In his lifetime, it’s estimated that Picasso created roughly 50,000 works of art. That’s nearly 2 pieces every day! It’s easy to assume Picasso’s greatness came as a result of raw talent, a natural gift, or his unique style. But the reality is that the reason Picasso is probably one of 5 famous painters you can name off the top of your head, and the reason his paintings sell for millions, is because he was relentlessly dedicated to his craft. He created every single day. And a lot of his creations didn’t look anything like the abstract stuff you probably think of when you hear the name "Picasso". What made Picasso special was his tens of thousands of paintings. He painted when he felt inspired. He painted when he felt hungry. He painted when he was sick, when he was angry, when he was depressed, and probably when he didn't feel like painting. As he painted and created and hustled he found what made him unique. He found his groove and his style. He created his legacy. This is not much different from love. I love thinking of love as art. You get better with practice. You have to invest, grind away, and do the work on the days you feel like it,&nbsp;and especially on the days you don't. The only way to find your unique relationship style, your strengths in partnership, and discover what little things hold the highest value for you is to&nbsp;love every single day. You don’t create a $180 million marriage overnight. It’s 50,000 foot massages while listening to her tell you how her day went. It’s 50,000 sincere compliments. It’s 50,000 apologies and 50,000 hours of self-reflection. It’s 50,000 attempts to shut your mouth and listen instead of explaining or providing excuses. It’s 50,000 deep breaths before giving him the benefit of the doubt. It’s 50,000 requests for help and saying “thank you” when she helps. It's 50,000 attempts to show up at your best. Every day you’re creating your legacy. Every day you get to decide whether or not you will put in the work to become a master, or whether you’ll be just like everyone else. “Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone”&nbsp;― Picasso What will you choose today? &nbsp;

How Picasso's $179 Million Painting Can Transform Your Marriage

last night our oven caught on fire! Something had spilled in there and made a mess. My wife (being the incredible partner that she is)&nbsp;was cleaning it up.&nbsp; She had turned the oven up to like 500 degrees.I walked in and saw smoke coming out of it and said, "Is there supposed to be smoke coming out of there?" "Uhhhh, nope," she responded. I opened the door and saw flames. My wife calmly retrieved some baking soda from the cupboard, opened the oven door, and tossed it on the flames. They went out instantly. The calmness she displayed while dealing with the flames was impressive... and pretty hot (literally and figuratively). It made me think... (here's a look into how my brain works). In life, we experience all sorts of craziness. We get hit with surprises,&nbsp;crisis, injustice, pain, loss, grief, and struggle. Metaphorical kitchen fires, if you will. Does what happens in your life keep you from acting with compassion,&nbsp;justice, generosity, self-control, sanity, prudence, honesty, humility, straightforwardness and kindness? Sometimes we freak out because, well,&nbsp;we think we should. We hear about neighbors freaking out. We see people on TV freak out. We see leaders freaking out. We assume it's the only way to respond.   The truth is, YOU GET TO CHOOSE HOW YOU RESPOND. When something goes wrong in a surgery, a surgeon can't afford to flip out. They stay composed and lean on their experience. They've been training for years for moments like this. They know freaking out doesn't help anybody, so they stay calm and do their best deal with the issues as they arise. When something goes wrong on a space shuttle, an astronaut has no time to panic. They are practiced in handling stress in all sorts of scenarios. They revert to the procedures they've run through hundreds of times to get back on track and stay safe.      When a professional athlete falls behind in an event, they know panicking and beating themselves up will not help. They breathe deep. They stay focused. They do not give up. They grind away until they accomplish the task at hand. The same can be true in your marriage! When your partner is disrespectful, when you feel like you're not being appreciated or treated fairly, when you are feeling angry or tired or betrayed, you have a choice... Will you allow what happened to give you an excuse to be the worst version of yourself, or will you choose to be at your best You get to write your own story. You get to choose your reactions. With practice, you can determine how you respond when you're under duress or when things aren't going your way. Pain, loss and unfairness are never an excuse for being the worst version of yourself.

Our oven caught on fire last night!

The cost of your marriage license (depending on where you live) was probably around $40. The average cost of a wedding in the US last year was over $35,000. If you were to get divorced today, the cost would likely be around $15,000. Lots of people - including the government, dressmakers, photographers and lawyers - are out there trying to tell you what your marriage is worth… but have you ever stopped to think what the true value of your marriage is? I love this quote by Simon Sinek: “Value is not determined by those who set the price. Value is determined by those who choose to pay it.” So, what’s the value of your marriage? The answer is whatever you are willing to pay… and I’m not just talking dollars. Here’s an awesome example of a good buddy of mine who has just leveled up the value of his marriage and family by increasing his investment. He reached out a few months ago and asked if we could grab lunch and catch up. When we sat down and started eating, he dropped an amazing bombshell. “I want to share something with you, because I think you’re one of the only people who will get it without any weird judgment or anything.” “Hit me,” I said. “My wife and I have been talking about the kind of life we want to live as a family. For a while now we’ve felt like we’ve been caught up in the hamster wheel of life… which is fine if that’s what you want… but we don’t. So, next year we’re selling our house and we’re going to take our whole family on a trip around the world. We’re going to visit 5 continents, and around 30 countries. We’re going to expose our kids to different cultures, and have adventures, and make incredible memories!” I almost cheered for joy in the restaurant!   Life is short! He’s putting his time, energy, and money where his mouth is… into his marriage and family. Now, I don’t think everyone should quit their job, sell their house and jet-set across the world for a year… because what’s best for my buddy isn’t best for everybody. But I DO think everyone should invest more seriously in their dreams. That means putting a little more thought, effort and creativity into the way they want to live their life. If you want to prove you truly value your marriage INVEST IN IT! Is there a dance class you’ve been talking about? Sign up! Is there a vacation you’ve always dreamed of going on? Plan it out! Figure out how much it will cost you to do it and start saving today. Do you long for the days when the passion was super intense, and everything you did had a thin veil of romantic tension and suspense around it? What can you do to recreate that romantic excitement? Buy some sexy underwear? Meet up for a date where you pretend to have never met before, and try to pick up on each other? Reenact your first date… or your honeymoon? Remember that quote I shared earlier: “Value is not determined by those who set the price. Value is determined by those who choose to pay it.” What price are you determined to pay? What is the value of your marriage? -Nate A new year is right around the corner. If you want to make 2018 the best year EVER for your marriage,&nbsp; and book a quick 30-minute phone call with me. I have something cool planned!

What's the value of your marriage?

Changing human behavior is typically really hard. Don’t believe me? What percentage of people who made a New Year’s resolution to hit the gym and get in shape are still committed to it 4 weeks later? Not many. Because it’s HARD to change a lifetime of habits - like the time you wake up, the way you fold your socks, how you brush your teeth, or how you load the dishwasher. Here’s something you can test out: Try mixing up your shower routine tomorrow morning. If you always wash your hair first, try starting out with your legs. Not only will you probably forget, but if you try it, it will feel SUPER unnatural.

How to get your partner to do more of what you want!

Have you ever had “Soul Talk?” You know what I’m talking about… Soul Talk is when you have a deeply connecting connection with someone. None of the superficial small talk… No discussing the weather, or how to get billy to soccer practice. None of that, “How was your day?” “Fine… how was yours?” stuff… Soul Talk is when you learn about someone’s passions, fantasies, and secrets. The conversation takes you places you’ve never been before. You learn about yourself while you’re learning about the person you’re talking to. Soul Talk is the best… It’s conversations like this that often make us fall in love. You let down our defences. You stop pretending to be someone you’re not. You are honest with your answers instead of trying to think what the other person wants to hear. These conversations require you to be vulnerable and authentic. But a lot of people don’t have time to go there very often… Or they completely forgot how to get there in the first place. That’s why Authentic Relating exists. Jason Digges is the author of a new book called Conflict = Energy: The Transformative Practice of Authentic Relating. He has dedicated his life to helping people tap into their authentic selves so they can connect deeply. I recently had a conversation with him live in the  where he shared TONS of amazing tips on how to create more authenticity in our lives and in our relationships. This is a recording of that conversation. If you want access to live workshops, trainings, and interviews like this one that will strengthen your marriage, check out the .

Authentic Relating with Jason Digges

Proving true love exists... one story at a time.

loveumentary

Popular tracks