http://www.lovezuliv.wordpress.com

My Polar Bear

An excerpt from my book in progress "Prayers, Pills, & Puddles of Tears"

How Can he be soooo close, but yet feel so far? In order to understand my questions you must amerce yourself in my world. You see, I’ve lived in a place between two polar opposites. Often trying to carefully walk the equator line, while unexpectedly being pulled North or South. He’s often distant fighting a battle in which no one wins. I’ve spent the happiest and the most dreadful moments of my life by his side. When life is dark and too hard to bare I escape in my dreams to a happier time when we laughed, danced, and could connect and live free from the demons that haunt him from being himself and keep us from being us. I have a dream in my heart that is often more real to me than reality itself. This place, a place I’ve visited more often than id like to admit. Dreams flourish here, and anything is possible. I am a dreamer, some may even say a hopeless romantic who dreams of true love, in its purest form, a love that no one, and nothing can separate. (That must be Nice) When he’s about to slip away from me, we’re the closest we can be. The bittersweet goodbye starts the night before. Passionate and vulnerable we are able to connect. Nothing matters then, the world stops and it’s just us. I willingly give myself over knowing he will be gone in the morning. The night turns to day and he goes away. Anxiety and Depression take my best friend away as sudden as a premature death. As opposite as day and night, North and South, He changes. No longer warm, and gentle, but cold and harsh. Only a vague resemblance of the man who I am passionately in love with. A hollow shell of someone hidden in a mental prison. Countless times throughout the years I’ve tried to hold on to the Joy of Yesterday. The warm familiar sounds of laughter and the familiarity of 15 years still ring in my ears. But the days inevitably get colder and my smile starts to fade, with each passing day it gets harder to experience the true Joy that is my strength in my own home. I hold on because I know he will return to me. Unshakable Faith, it’s both my blessing and my curse. It hurts to believe something for someone who doesn’t believe. My Hope and Faith are as much a part of me as my name. Finally freed from the grip of this horrible disease, to one day experience true freedom, for us to finally have stability. My one day has to come soon.

The one thing that is as real as my faith is the pain of the realizing that he is gone again. Ugh it hurts SOOOO BAD! Wanting him close and not having the control brings me to a deep sorrow of loneliness. I find myself alone again griping our sheets or the shirt he wore the night before, holding it against my face breathing him in. Lost in the smell of his favorite cologne, I am reminded of sweeter days. Days where I laid carefree on the chest of my Polar Bear. All I can do is cry, eyes closed, teeth clenched, I pray for him to come back soon. The Strong one is finally vulnerable. I often wonder where he goes to, as he slips away its as if another man takes his place. This emotional disconnect leaves me missing the man who makes my heart melt, sweeps me off my feet, gently kisses all my fears away & comforts me like no other. A cold, harsh, angry, distant man who slowly dims the light in my eyes is who I am left with. I sometimes wish he could come back from where he goes and somehow come and rescue me from the struggle and the loneliness I’m left with when he’s unreachable, lost in his mind. Excuses and Justifications come rushing in, attempting to protect me from experiencing weaknesses. Maybe this life I’m living is normal and that maybe I’m just being too dramatic. The lies I tell myself to keep me holding on. Your not being foolish, You have faith remember? Faith that we can be happy, that “Happily ever after” truly does exist & it is possible with me & my Polar Bear.

Through the years in order for me to continue to function without breaking down (which many times I did & still do) I would literally be in a “World of fantasy” processing my tragic life circumstances as if it was merely a story, but not my story. disassociating, Not making a real connection with the truth. The things That Bi-polar disorder has brought to our lives, The Suicide attempts, infidelity, holes in the walls, lies, drugs, lonely nights, screaming matches, pills, tears, pain, and bondage. Instead I kept pushing through continuing to feel alone, being both lover and nurse. With each relapse I felt more a part of the fantasy world than I did the real world. Escaping in anything that would make me feel valuable, loved, and wanted. All I ever wanted was to be wanted. After years being stuck on this world and not knowing how to get out of the castle walls built around my heart. A lonely princess, unbreakable, strong, and determined. My greatest strengths and at the same time, my biggest weaknesses. Be strong Zuli, you know its only temporary. He’ll be back soon, you can rest then. My head snuggled between his jaw bone and his collar-bone, the nape of his neck is where my head finds rest. Finally, rest in the arms of my Polar Bear.

My Polar Bear

http://www.lovezuliv.wordpress.com

My First...

Can I tell you something Personal?

I recently experienced my First! After 4 days of keeping the intimate details to myself, I’m practically Dying to share the juicy details. Now that we’re becoming Good Friends, I feel like I can tell you anything, so here goes nothing. It was a Tuesday morning; when it happened. It’s like the moment I opened my Eyes I just knew, “Today’s the day!” I told myself. Something was different inside of me that day, and has been ever since. It was a day I anticipated for 6 years now. Before you judge me, it’s not like I didn’t have a chance to do it before, to be completely honest I’ve had multiple opportunities. I’m not sure why I waited so long to do it either. I guess I was too afraid, you might even say terrified. I think back to a time not so long ago where it felt like everyone was doing it and I was the only one who hadn’t been bold enough to try. I mean talk about peer pressure; some of us just prefer to wait. Every time I thought I was ready, it never seemed like the right time. But now that I have, I don’t know why I ever waited. Every emotion and feeling is still so fresh on my mind; I can still close my eyes and feel every sensation. There are no words to describe how it feels, trust me, I’ve tried. One thing I can say, letting go and being completely vulnerable in the hands of another, is a scary thing. I’m sure you’re like me and you’ve asked yourself at some point in life, How will they feel about me when it’s over? Am I really ready to share the best of me with someone else? What if I do it wrong? What is it going to feel like? Should I go through with this? A part of me wanted to believe that if I never let anyone in, I would never get hurt. Although Letting someone explore the very part of me I had kept to myself for so long may have been terrifying at first, It was an extremely liberating experience. Once I started, I never wanted to stop. Every moment of my day since then has been consumed with thinking about it. Obsessed? Maybe, but I’ve never felt better in my life. My favorite part has to be the climax, I mean what a rush! Heart pounding, adrenaline rushing, mind racing, lip biting pleasure, that’s the best way to describe how I feel when I Write. Wait………. What did you think I was talking about? Never mind, lol Tuesday was the day I wrote my first Blog! This is definitely a day I will remember for the rest of my life, clicking that Publish button felt Amazing! (Deep Exhale) I look forward to continuing this journey together. I never would have imagined that doing the very thing I had been afraid to do for 6 years could feel this good. And you, thanks for making this moment so special. Without you I’m just another girl writing in her journal. Until next time, in the words of Benjamin Franklin, Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.

Love,

Zuli V

My First...

http://www.lovezuliv.wordpress.com

Step Into Your Dreams

Yesterday I stepped into the most Whimsical little world. I’m not sure what made me step in, maybe it was the amazing window display, or the entryway trimmed in Gold, or my heart crying out “Destiny Calls Zuli!” Every part of it felt right, I took a deep breath, & began my Journey. With every stiletto combat boot filled step I took closer to my curiosity, the more optimistic I became. Everything from my big spring like hair, to my Army Harem pants wanted to see what this magical door uncovered. It was a Fashionistas play-land, Suddenly I felt like I had been there a million times before. As I looked around at the electric blue walls & the rich jewel dripped ambiance I realized I had, it was the shop I always dreamed of having, the place I unknowingly & desperately needed to visit to keep the vision alive for my very own clothing line, my own Boutique! A Trendy, Chic, Mainstream, Vintage, & Futuristic little escape on Atwells Avenue reminded me of this. As I looked around in marvel, I found it hard to believe that I was still in little old Providence, or Rhode Island for that matter. I wanted this moment to last forever. As I closed my eyes & twirled like a little girl in a princess dress soaking in the Couture filled air, a smile found my face. At that moment, the epitome of a Fashion forward Badass Rocker walked in the room. His name was Mike, he seemed to be 6ft something or other and he owned this Divas Palace. To my surprise I was humbly given a tour of the shop. There seemed to be a wisdom about this man, I’m not sure if it was the way he effortlessly named a plethora of Designers as he spoke, the way the lines on his face told a story that only age can tell, the way he described his own creations in such detail, or the confidence he carried himself with. It didn’t seem to matter because the experience as a whole filled my heart 