recorded and mixed and mastered by michael avent
shoutout rob for bassline inspo

=====================

HOW DARE you give me a negative yelp review, After i bent over backwards for you
And did everything in my power to offer you a free meal, for two?

HOW DARE you give me a negative yelp review, After i bent over backwards for you
And did everything in my power to offer you a free meal, for FUCKIN TWO?

I get it you think youre better than me because you work at the nissan dealership down the street
you think that workin a 9 to 5 makes you part of any kinda social elite?

I told you that the experimental off menu dish that you were tryin to order would be fuckin inedible
And the fact that you still had the nerve to complain about it when i was right Is FUCKIN INCREDIBLE

HOW DARE you give me a negative yelp review, After i bent over backwards for you
And did everything in my power to offer you a free meal, for two?

HOW DARE you give me a negative yelp review, After i bent over backwards for you
And did everything in my power to offer you a free meal, for FUCKIN TWO...

Well, bein the seasoned customer service professional that i am, i knew. 
that the only way that I was gonna get out of this jam would be offering you a bunch of FREE SHIT and just hope that that made everything fine. 

So i did, and you seemed happy with that at the time!
But then you went home, you logged into yelp.ca  and posted this negative shit about me ONLINE

you think you’re superior to me because you work at a mid range car dealership
And i just stand behind the counter at this fast-casual dining establishment, swiping the shit out of about 7 different dating apps. 
I know you, your job is your life. I know you, youve got a kid and a wife. 
You dont know me, I breed exotic shrimp sell them on craiglist, and i carry a KNIFE! 

HOW DARE  you give me a negative yelp review after i bent over backwards for you
And did everything in my power to offer you a free meal, for FOR FUCKIN TWO?

HOW DARE you give me a negative yelp review, After i bent over backwards for you
And did everything in my power to offer you a free meal, FOR FUCKIN TWO?

I dont give a FUCK about my part time minimum wage position at an asian-fusion resto bar!
And the customer satisfaction of a patagonia gortex jacket wearing yuppie motherfucker like you isnt even on my radar!

Oh and by the way, your gluten free thai green curries aren’t exactly gluten free if you order a pint of wheat beer with em.
you nutritionally ignorant son of a bitch….

I told you that the experimental off menu dish that you were tryin to order would be fuckin inedible
And the fact that you still had the nerve to complain about it when i was right Is FUCKIN INCREDIBLE

I hate to give you this rude awakening buddy, 
But you can’t order a dish with extra ginger 
and then come back and complain that it had too much ginger 
And expect a refund or a remake,
Thats on you thats not On me
It’s not fuckin happenin 

Sleep in the street you fuckin kitsilano cuck, 
you yuppie fuckin gooseberry

You know what?
I hate you 
I hate you and your little dog too
I hate you and your male yoga pants
And your fuckin reusable Starbucks cup
Oh god damn you piss me off
You self righteous mother fucker
fuck, im so glad to be out of there

HOW DARE  you give me a negative yelp review
After i bent over backwards for you
And did everything in my power to get you a free meal, for two??

HOW DARE  you give me a negative yelp review
After i bent over backwards for you
And did everything in my power to get you a free meal, for two!!!!

YELPFUCCER (demo take)

recorded and mixed and mastered by michael avent

===============

My father once told me that if you’re not the lead dog
The view never changes
As in, in a team of sled dogs, the lead dog gets to see everything, while all the others are forced to just stare at the asshole of the dog in front of them
Makes sense

But what  this idiom fails to recognize is that if you’re the top dog, the lead dog, all the other dogs will be staring at nothing but YOUR asshole 
and this is AN EXTREMELY VULNERABLE POSITION TO BE IN

I wanna be powerful
I wanna be a powerful man

I wanna be powerful
I wanna be a powerful man

I wanna be serious
I wanna be a serious man

I wanna be powerful
I wanna be a powerful man 

I wanna be powerful
but all the meaningful social roles in society are still occupied by baby  boomers
But I love em
Gotta love em
Mom and dad, 
don’t ever leave.
I can wait

Listen,
I get that you don’t get to be the top dog out the gate
You gotta pay your dues
You gotta spend a few winters with your nose in the ass of somebody more important than you
But then, after years of being whipped in the ass, you finally get to the front of the pack, 
And sure you get your pick of the bitches every night, but the whole pack resents you for that, 
And every single one of em has their eyes trained directly upon you bare asshole, waiting for you to slip up,
so that they can move in and take your spot.

ya know what?  maybe I don't need to be the lead dog, maybe I don't need to be anything remotely resembling a sled dog
In fact, fuck that whole analogy
All I’m trying to say is;

I wanna be powerful
I wanna be a powerful man
I wanna be serious
I wanna be a serious man
I wanna be confident
I wanna be a confident man
I wanna be powerful
I wanna be a powerful man

Power is in the eye of the beholder
Powers in the eye of the beholder
Powers not in the value of your stock portfolio folder
Power is in the  amount of leather in your wardrobe
Powers in the amount of fucks you give in your frontal lobe
Powers in the eye of the beholder
Like I said

I wanna be powerful 
I wanna be a powerful man

I wanna be powerful 
I wanna be a powerful man

TOP DOGG (demo take)

this is the take from which this song was birthed

=================

This is an ode to my friend mike mccewan

In seventh grade science class I was sat on my own, 
but you put my home number into your Nokia phone

I came for a sleepover at your house in the projects
your room was filled with death metal posters and shoplifted objects

Your diet was Mountain Dew, lays chips, and French fries
Doing shots of Axe body spray once got you hospitalized

I let you choke me unconscious because you said that I’d trip 
But all I got was a chipped tooth and a badly split lip (  
We tried it multiple times

You tried to get me to ejaculate into a plastic cup just to prove to you that i was in puberty like you were

You introduced me to weed with some older kids in the park, by the church
You introduced me to horse porn in your room in the dark you fucking jerk

Your mother smoked on the couch, bathed in the blue light of the shopping channel
And whatever boyfriend she had at the time would be there too, naked except for his flannel

You made me 
i cant even say it

You created a flamethrower with an aerosol can and a lighter to abuse your cat
Even at 13 years old i knew there was something seriously fucked up about that

You showed me system of a down. 

You taught me to wear a chain on my wallet to look  cool

Your single mother had both the smallest apartment and the worst teeth that i had ever seen

DEAR MIKE MACEWEN 
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING
THANKS TO YOU MY EARLY TEENS WERE COMPLETELY FUCKIN RUINED 

DEAR MIKE MACEWEN 
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING
THANKS TO YOU MY EARLY TEEN YEARS WERE COMPLETELY FUCKIN RUINED 

I have nothing to look back on from that time except for the shit you put me through
All because you didn’t have, anything, better to do   

I get that you were a problem child but i was pretty good
I was from the suburbs and you were from the hood

But the public school system brought us together
And i was inalienably attracted to the way you said fuck you to the establishment
and to the authority of the junior high school faculty

Your absentee father came to town, 
you showed me the bruises on your scalp from where he dragged you round

By your hair, long and blonde, just like mine, 
( .. i wonder if you’re still in jail)

The trauma that you put in me, is still in me
The trauma that you put in me, is still in me
The trauma that you put in me, is still in me

And if im not careful, 
and i dont watch myself, 
and i dont catch myself, 
i can SEE myself putting it into others, 
AS AN ADULT FUCKING MAN

DEAR MIKE MACEWEN 
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING
THANKS TO YOU MY EARLY TEENS WERE COMPLETELY FUCKIN RUINED 

DEAR MIKE MACEWEN 
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING
THANKS TO YOUR STUPID ASS
MY TEENS WERE FUCKIN RUINED

ODE TO MY FRIEND MIKE MCEWAN (demo take)

recorded and mixed and mastered by michael avent
===============

THEFT OF SERVICE, RIDING NERVOUS
GOT MY DEGREE, I DONT DESERVE THIS
CANT AFFORD A FUCKING TICKET
DRIVER KNOWS WHERE HE CAN STICK IT

HALF MY PAY TO FUCKING RENT
GOT STUDENT LOANS BUT I MAKE NO DENT
FORCED TO LIVE WITH FUCKING BUMS
GREASY, DIRTY, DRUGGED UP SCUM

NEIGHBOURS HEAR MY EVERY MOVE, 
EMBARASSING TO CLEAN THE TUBES
VANCOUVERS RUINED, THATS ALL THERE IS TO IT
IF I COULD MOVE ID FUCKING DO IT

UNEMPLOYED I SKIRT THE VOID
NO FUN CITY GOT ME PARANOID

UNEMPLOYED I SKIRT THE VOID
NO FUN CITY GOT ME PARANOID

SHOPLIFT CANS OF NO NAME MEAT
Snack small size MCFLURRY FOR TREAT
BIKE STOLE TWICE THIS YEAR ALONEn
GOT NO DATA ON MY PHONE

DAILY I SELF MEDICATE
TRAPPED IN THIS TOMB THAT I CREATE
DRINK AND FUCK AND THRASH MY BONES
RICH GIRLS ALL LEAVE ME ALONE 

NO ONE I KNOW HAS A 9 TO 5
NO ONE I KNOW HAS KIDS AND WIFES
INCOME GAP IS GETTING WIDER
DRINK MY WEIGHT IN DISCOUNT CIDER

PLAY IT SAFE I WAS ALWAYS TOLD
BUT FUCK THAT SHIT MAN IM GOIN FOR GOLD
ALMOST 30
ZERO SAVINGS
DRINK 12 BEER TO QUELL MY CRAVINGS

UNEMPLOYED I SKIRT THE VOID
NO FUN CITY GOT ME PARANOID

UNEMPLOYED I SKIRT THE VOID
NO FUN CITY GOT ME PARANOID

NO FUN CITY (demo take)

recorded and mixed  by michael avent, also playin bass on this one
===

Take me back to your place and take care of me
We’ll have a couple more beers
Take me back to your place and take care of me 
Its been a bad couple years

Take me back to your place and take care of me
It’s been a bad couple years 
Take me back to your place and take care of me 
we’ll have a couple more beers

I dont find your career as the manager of an artisan coffee roasterie particularly interesting
And i'm not the biggest fan of the tattoo that you've got behind your left ear 
but I do  like that your impressed by my travel brag stories from my early twenties
And that ur willing tot laugh, at my jokes

NO this isn't my first tinder date, i've been on about 400
NO this isn't my first tinder date, i've been on about 400

And if you include all the bumbles, okcupids, and that one awful plenty of fish one, well then, hun, WAHH, you wouldn't even wanna be here! 

we hit it off well enough,
We like some of the same bands and stuff
You asked me straight up if i like it rough
 
And i said YE

Take me back to your place and take care of me
We’ll have a couple more beers
Take me back to your place and take care of me 
Its been a bad couple years

Take me back to your place and take care of me
It’s been a rough couple years 
Take me back t your place and take care of me 
we’ll have a couple of beers

You live on the other side of town in the south west And you want me to pay for an uber?

Ok, i guess, 
god knows i'm not going back to my Lonely fuckin apartment with the bed bugs and the empty fridge and the holes in the walls

For another night of king of the hill reruns and masturbating to increasingly deviant digital media
Anything would be better than that

And I truth be told
 you're all that i have right now,
and i get the feeling that i’m all that you have 
and there's a certain beauty in that

Maybe we were sold a lie when they said don't get married, dont have kids,
Pursue your career and your  wildest creative bliss

Its seems we’ve both been left behind, 
but at least we still have this.

Take me back to your place and take care of me
We’ll have a couple more beers
Take me back to your place and take care of me 
Its been a bad couple years

Take me back to your place and take care of me
We’ll have a couple more beers
Take me back to your place and take care of me 
WE’ll spenda coupla years, together

Together!


bridge/Outro

ITS TRUE IM REAL DEPRESSED,
Feel strange pains in my chest
My family says im blessed
But i say AHHHHHH

I can just lay on your lap and you can stroke my head  
I dont even care if you do or do not want to give head

 I can just lay on your lap and you can stroke my head  
I dont even care if you do or do not want to give head

TAKE ME BACK TO YOUR PLACE (demo take)

FIZZY (sleaford mods cover)

Toronto based band consisting of strictly digital and biological elements.

The duo consists of a mysterious egyptian computer hacker and a frustrated suburban calgarian with moderate psoriasis and mild tourettes.

MANDRILL WIVES

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