This is like the first thing I've soundtrackered in more than 10 years, and it's mainly been done as a joke. So, whatever.

Whizzed up using openly downloadable non-original sheet music transcriptions and a selective mind towards fitting it into the 4-channel MOD structure I chose for some sense of authenticity and using only the low-rez synthesque samples I made myself (square and saw leads plus and various noise/noise-and-square/fader percussion). It is literally a single pattern within the tracker - 64 little semiquavers - and no more effects than what I picked up knowledge of by accident whilst playing with OpenMPT. Which is why the track volume balance is rubbish, I couldn't work out how to do it without having to insert a blank pattern first and couldn't be bothered spending more time on it.

Resultant MP3 is that pattern repeated 3 times, fading out at the end. If you were expecting the full song... sorry. That's gonna take more time than I have to spare. Looks like I actually did have to give you up, Rick.

FB me if you want the .MOD to play with. It's like 46kb. Or a bit more with duplicate copies of the samples, as it seems OMPT forces Protracker mode which nukes the "first two bytes" from each one; given that some of them are only 16 bytes long, that's a bit critical. By rights it should probably be even smaller, but I didn't bother getting rid of the vast number of unused sample slots.

There's also a MIDI. It's 872 bytes, sounds totally strange, and doesn't loop. Lol.

My deepest apologies to Stock, Aitken and Waterman. But to be honest... THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING o_O

I REGRET NOTHING

*/ you are not expected to understand this /*

...I can't figure out how to get the second pattern to loop. There's a JMP command but it doesn't seem to do anything.

My First Pulsetracker

AKA "My First Loser Suck Disaster Junk", or "My First LSDjs suck".

You can blame www.Windows93.net for this piece of aural vomit. It happens to include a Gameboy webemulator preloaded with a trial version of LSDj right there on its pseudo desktop, so I duly loaded it up and had a play.

I seriously can't even that program. The key combinations are inscrutiable, tutorials that aren't in really slow video form are hard to find, and when that's combined with my inherent lack of compositional skills we reach the inevitable conclusion that this is not only my first LSDj but probably also the best thing I'll ever make with it.

Bask in its glory.

One barely-altered instrument, one simplistic phrase, a couple of random effects, one chain with some transposition... yet amazingly 9 whole song rows out of the 16 available. No more than 2 channels used simultaneously at any point.

Every terrible mistake you assume I've made in the construction of this track is probably exactly what happened. I literally don't understand how or why it's ended up making some of those noises, or why some things appear in some of the sections but not in others. I'm pretty certain some of it is entirely random. The only three concessions made to any kind of musicality are a basic understanding of scales, twiddling of the vibrato to make something halfway interesting that isn't just noise (it's still a close-run thing), and fiddling with the pitch bend/sweep at the end so the resulting beats aren't completely arrhythmic.

The final output recorded using the Stereo Mix input in (oh jesus how I hate) Audacity from using the preview playback and saving the result direct with no processing other than cropping. Not even levelling. If the volume is crap, I can only apologise.

If you've read this far, you're a hero. For your efforts, I can reveal that the instrument name is "BURP", and the pretendo saves I made along the way were called "BURPLE" and "BURPEE". Woo.

Now stop playing this shit and go listen to some Ultrasyd or TreyFrey or 505 or Kubbi or Dubmood or Diode Milliampere or gWem or someone else with a shred of actual talent. Fuck's sake. Why are you wasting your time here?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING

I'm not sure this is correct, but it is only the first four bars of a "simplified" version that was less the "grade 3 piano student" level I was expecting and more "not very sophisticated attempt at a Nokia 3310 ringtone". Maybe if I do the whole thing it'll get better.

Allegedly Beethoven's Fifth Symphony (early WIP)

Number 4 in my ongoing series of things designed more or less specifically to reduce the average quality of everything on Soundcloud. I can only apologise.

Horntendo

The score for this was found as part of a set of images documenting a strange old Nintendo product - a built-it-yourself glockenspiel (campanophone?) thing partly made from knockoff, glow in the dark lego bricks. And as I was already dicking around with airhorn noises I thought I'd give it a swing.

Right, I'm out of here before the entire nation of Japan collectively rises up and comes to murder me to death.

Sakurahorn

Soundcloud has just put Kubbi's "Void pt2 (Renovation mix)" and Trey Frey's "Refresh" at the top of my "recommended for you" tracks.

This is where the singularity begins, folks. I couldn't have chosen better myself. There is no longer any need to think, we can just let the computers get on with it.

Mark Penrice