The anthemic anthem to end all anthems- replete with a "na na na fucking na" chorus.  It's about having everything most folks use to "take the edge off" taken away, until all you got left is sugar and fuckin'.  And goodness. I consider it to be in the genre of comedy rock, or "cock." This song was co-made-up by Mary Birdsong (Reno 911) and Greg Talenfeld (Cottonhead, OK Records).  It's still in the demo stage, and was recorded, engineered by Talenfeld.  Produced by Birdsong & Talenfeld.  Drums were hit hard by Clem Waldmann (Losers Lounge, Blue Man Group).  All other instruments were played by Talenfeld.

Sweet F'in Goodness (2011 Demo)

This is a great old radio show— a suspense serial. It strikes me as a thinly veiled attempt by its creators to piggyback off the success of the better known radio suspense series, “The Shadow,” but I love it all the more for its “We’re #2!” copycatness. 😂☺️📻🎙

The Whistler- Legacy of Death 1

Part 2 of a great old radio show— a suspense serial called “The Whistler.” It strikes me as a thinly veiled attempt by its creators to piggyback off the success of the better known radio suspense series, “The Shadow,” but I love it all the more for its “We’re #2!” copycatness. 😂☺️📻🎙

The Whistler- Legacy of Death 2

In the early 90s I sang in a western band I formed with Greg Talenfeld (acoustic guitar) and Paul Gold (upright bass).  These are mostly old cassette tapes I found of our rehearsals.  Our rehearsals were held where all good country/western bands rehearse-- on Park Avenue in New York City.  

The Adventures Of Pipi The Sailor

(Artwork by NATE ZIELKE: instagram.com/NATE_ZIELKE)

This is a weird little song.  And that's what I like about it. My Cottonhead partner (& founder- Greg Talenfeld) wrote it. According to Greg: 
"I was snoozing on the couch in that old shitty apartment I shared on thirteenth street with Mercer (his cat) and that bad cat Jeanie that I got from Steve Berg of Baby Monster studio on 14th street in exchange for a 1” editing bar, when there came a knock on the door and it was a delivery from Ken Lewis that I had to sign for (as more or less accurately depicted
in the lyric). The "7 elefantes," however, were not trinkets, but rather the name of an African soap bar which he was thoughtful enough to send to me as a gift in appreciation of my returning to him his Kumar sunglasses which he purchased in India, but had inadvertently left in my apartment. I did have the soap for many years. I most recently remember it on the back of the toilet in the old house along with the rest of my collection of odd-ball soaps. 

This was on our very first album, which was so long ago it was on cassette. Cassettes were these little things you could hold in your hand, and there was a thin brown strip of audio tape wound up inside of it that would sometimes come unraveled and all tangled up.  MP3s can't unravel or get tangled up.  And that's a (slightly melancholy) fact.  

MY 7 ELEFANTES*
Couchfully passing a Monday, a knock on the door.
Who is it for?  Who is it for?  They don't live here no more.
Doll, sign your name on the line by the X, on the pink one, the carbon, the off-colored green one is yours.
It's nothing to accept... my seven elefantes.
There's nothing too intense for seven elefantes.
I'm learning to accept... my seven elefantes.
I'm really down except... my seven elefantes.
I'm growing to expect... my seven elefantes.

*In Africa, they spell this word with an "f" instead of a "ph" and they add an "e" at the end.   Rock on with your bad-ass spelling of "elefantes,"  you nutty, koo-koo Africans!

My 7 Elefantes

This is so wonderfully "early 90s corporate conference pop vocal" in style that it makes me pee my pants.  Especially when I keep modulating higher and higher til you can almost hear my vocal chords snap.  Good stuff. 

Go Go Go Colgate (a hilariously embarrassing, uber-corporate "pop" vocal I did 4 Colgate-Palmolive)

For a brief, embarrassing period in my life, I was signed to a record label as part of a three-girl R&B group.  This was when En Vogue and Mariah Carey were really exploding. What follows is real. Horrifyingly real. 

Just Let Me Make Love 2 U

This is a line of dialogue I recorded for my solo show "Judy Speaks." There is an actual recording that exists of the lady herself saying this, too, but this is me.  Judy was trying to dictate notes for her autobiography (which she never completed) into a huge reel-to-reel tape recorder that she found to be very vexing. It's very late at night, so you can hear her blowing smoke into the microphone, the clinking of the ice in her glass, etc.  Enjoy!

Judy Speaks: Now, For Openers...

we didn't sell no records 
no albums or singles
no internet jingles to which we'd aspired
we didn't have no contacts no interest no contracts
but at least we got into the game
at least we got into the game

we didn't set no records for homers or singles
no pill-popping jingles to which we'd aspired
we didn't hold no records for keepin' our shit together
but at least we got into the game
at least we got into the game

play the game it's all you can ask
play the game until you collapse
we played with the best
we won some we lost some i guess

but at least we got into the game
at least we got into the game
thank the lord we got to play the game

but the bar is all ears as they cling to their beers
we didn't sell no t-shirts no slick action figures
ain't got girlish figures like those you'd admire
we didn't leave no lovers no magazine covers

play the game it's all you can ask
play the game until you collapse
we played with the best
we won some we lost some i guess

At Least We Got Into The Game- Live

We played at MercuryLounge, Fez, The Living Room, Nightingale Bar, The Cooler, CB's Gallery, Siné, Waterworks Recording... wow.  The 90s.  NYC.  Cottonhead was an awesome band that specialized in moody, alt-country, fuzzy-twang.  It was the brainchild of myself and Greg Talenfeld.  Then we added Joe Mendelson, Kirsten Jansen, and Jeremy Chatzky.  What fun, (and what booze) we all had!

If You Want My Love

An old Shel Silverstein tune.  I still get Shel and Frank Zappa mixed up in my head.  And believe it or not, even Roger Whittaker occasionally gets lumped in with those two.

Silvia's mother says Silvia's busy too busy to come to the phone
Silvia's mother says trying to start a new life of her own
And Silvia's mother says Silvia's happy so why don't you leave her alone?

And the operator says "40 cents more for the next three minutes, please."

Please, Mrs. Avery, just gotta talk to her
I'll only keep her awhile
Please, Mr/s Avery, just wanna tell her goodbye

Silvia's mother says Silvia's packing.  She's going to be leaving today
Silvia's mother says Silvia's marrying some fella down Galveston way 
And Silvia's mother says "Don't you say nothin' to make her start cryin' and stay." 

And the operator says "40 cents more for the next three minutes, please."

Please, Mrs. Avery, I just gotta talk to her
I'll only keep her a while
Please, Mrs. Avery, just wanna tell her goodbye

Silvia's mother says Silvia's hurrying.  She's catching the nine o'clock train
Silvia's mother says take your umbrella, cuz Silvia it's starting to rain 
And Silvia's mother says "Thank you for calling, and sire won't you come back again."

And the operator says "40 cents more for the next three minutes, please."

Please, Mrs. Avery, I just gotta talk to her
I'll only keep her a while
Please, Mrs. Avery, just wanna tell her goodbye

Silvia's Mother

My favorite lyric in this song is "I am the girl you took to the movies.  I am the girl in the grey jumpsuit."  
I remember that jumpsuit.  And the man who so artfully removed it.  I was just 22 then. But here it is twenty(mumble) years later, and I'm kind of still wearing it. For him.

Here are the rest of the lyrics...

I am a peach
I am a snake
I am whatever you want me to be
I am a child
I am 16
I am whatever you need me to be
Yes, I am just what you want me to be
I am the girl you took to the movies
I am the girl in the grey jumpsuit
I made you happy I made you crazy 
I made you just what you wanted to be
I made you just what you wanted to be

I am a dance 
I am a good time
I am a handful, a handful of angels
I am a party
I am a pity
I am whatever you need me to be

I am a child
I am 16
I am whatever you need me to be
Yes I am just what you need me to be

Tiny dancer in my hand



Tiny Dancer (by Cottonhead)

Award winning podcast from Blumhouse Media

Oval Office Tapes - Mary Birdsong

Mary Birdsong Animation VO Demo

Lady Dynamite - Mary Birdsong as Jean Bart in Maria Bamford's Series

I AM (wonder) WOMAN! 
(by Helen Reddy)

I'M (WONDER)WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!  
MY TITS ARE TOO BIG TO IGNORE.
WITH MY LASSO OF TRUTH I CAN DO ANYTHING!  
I AM STRONG (STRONG!)   
MY PLANE’S INVISIBLE (INVISIBLE!) I’M (WONDER)WOMAN....

AQUAMAN!
(by Jethro Tull)
Aquaman, my friend, don’t ya swim away uneasy.
YOu poor old COD, you see it’s only me…
Fishing for a compliment…. eyeing little eels with bad intent.
Talking to the tadpoles.  Hey Aquaman, spit out that seaweed and chew on your chum!
Hey Aquaman!  
Hangin with the hammerheads!
Douching with the dolphins!
Jammin’ with the jellyfish!
Aquaman!!!!

(PICTURED TO THE LEFT ARE ME AS BARBARELLA AND MISS KATTY BISCONE AS WONDERWOMAN.  THIS SONG IS DEDICATED TO HER.)

Hey AquaMan, I Am (wonder) Woman! (Superfriends Mashup)

Here's another old chestnut from Mary Birdsong & the O.K. Canaries.
Greg Talenfeld on the banjolin (that's right-- I said BANJO-LIN.  Not MANDO-LIN).  Paul Gold on upright bass.  Sorry it's so distorted in places.  Hopefully Greg or I can sweeten it up for your computer-age listening pleasure. But for now, I just wanted to archive it.
I like to think that this is the song Wimpy (of Popeye fame) would sing if he got drunk.

WHISKEY
Oh, whiskey leave me alone.  Oh, whiskey leave me alone.
Remember I must get home.  Oh, whiskey leave me alone.

Oh, whiskey, don't drag me down.  Oh, whiskey don't drag me down.
Don't you keep me in this town.  Oh, whiskey don't drag me down.

This bottle will be empty soon.  This bottle will be empty soon.
And my heart feels empty too.  This bottle will be empty soon.

Would a bottle that is new?  Would a bottle that is new?
Make me think that you are true?  Would a bottle that is new?

Oh whiskey leave me alone.  Oh, whiskey leave me alone.
Remember I must get home.  Oh, whiskey leave me alone.

Whiskey

God only knows why in the world this old commercial jingle for Lowenbrau beer popped into my head tonight.  But it DID.  And for whatever reason, I think it's hilarious to just surrender to the moment and record it in my kitchen before reaching for my Wheat Thins.  You're welcome.

Let It Be Lowenbrau

Most people know mary birdsong as "Deputy Kimball" on the COMEDY CENTRAL tv series RENO 911, but she does a bunch of other stuff, like... 
singing songs! (in recording studios)
singing songs! (on broadway)
writing songs! 
writing non-songs! (one-woman shows, short plays, comedy sketches, short stories, humor essays, and now a BOOK!) 
drawing pictures! 

most songs posted here are from the  many years she spent with her favorite band ever- the "alt country/twangy-moody" rock band called COTTONHEAD.

there are also songs on here from her rock/comedy band (ROCKOMEDY, if you will) called 99 CENT WHORE.

"the whore" (mary & "99 cent whore" are really close, so mary's allowed to call her close personal friend "the whore" for short) is part rock band, part comedy act, part off-broadway musical, part indie rock movie musical, part love letter to loretta lynn and dolly parton).

Mary Birdsong

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