Someone, Somewhere

This is for, for you, and you. 

This is for you.
On the far side of the room. 
In the Golf tie-dye hoodie. 
Never said hi but I should've.
My world stopped when she walked in. 
How was I supposed to behave? 
Her hair'd be up in a claw clip. 
She'd let it down and I'd faint. 
One day, she was leavin' for home
and dropped her phone next to my side. 
I picked it up and returned it. 
We didn't even lock eyes. 
She muttered under her breath
as she walked away, "I hate my life." 
And every once in a while, 
her voice comes back in my mind. 
And I ask why.
Maybe it wasn't that deep. 
If it was, the least I could do is
be helpful the best I can be. 
I won't play pretend like you're not there. 
You're not okay and I see. 
And you're right back in my mind 
when someone drops their phone near me. 
Is she alright? I hope. 
You stacked your page o' notes, 
your scantron, and your test.
I watched you pass your final and go. 
I guess I won't ever know
if what you said was what you meant. 
In my eyes, you waved goodbye, 
but in my heart, you never left. 
This is for you.
 
I still remember. How could I forget it? 
The fact it won't happen again 
makes it all the more precious. I'm
dedicated to the ones who got away. 
Remembering will help you stay. 

This is for
every yearbook signature
in permanent black ink. 
Every "Damn, we need to catch up sometime.
Damn, I ain't seen you since."
Every "Totally!". In the moment, mean it. 
Got home and y'all never did. 
For all the grown-ups who miss 
how life was infinite as a kid.
It still is. 
Growin' up means growin' apart, 
but it's not goin' away. 
It's only ever grown heavier in my heart.
It still hurts a little to see 
you pop up on my feed, 
when I'm just a couple o' taps away 
from a bridge built in between. 
Funny how I never reach out 
to old friends and ask 'em to meet, 
but I'd say yes in an instant
if an old friend reached out to me. 
All this ice we could unfreeze 
if we weren't so cold in our feet, 
but if I told you I'd be the one to change it, 
I'd lie straight through my teeth. 
We both want to. We won't. 
That's fine. I'm sorry. 
I am sorry. I live sorry. I'll stay sorry for life. 
Every move I make's to make up for 
never saying goodbye. 
You're in my voice as I'm speaking now, 
and you'll never leave my mind. 
This is for you.

Course I remember. How could I forget it? 
The fact it won't happen again 
makes it all the more precious. I'm 
dedicated to the ones who got away. 
Remembering will help you stay. 
Dedicated. Dedicated.

I still remember. How could I forget it? 
The fact it won't happen again 
makes it all the more precious. I'm
dedicated to the ones who got away. 
Remembering.

Dedicated

Has it arrived? 
The hesitant resurfacing of the sublime, 
from the confines of ambition. 
The quivering admission of we’re not so different you and I. 
Thus urge the gut, trust lest you regress. 
Sun kissed, my feet swept. Upend the oath kept. 
Weary arms outstretched, I unexpect. 
Wary, I inch toward it. Fearful the artform distorts it. 
Rather clumsily catch and set free than bask in what’s left to let be. 

Family car ride, dad passenger side, now I drive. 
City lights meant naptime, 
I’d wake when we’d pull through the gate. 
Least I could do for a birthday. 
Most I could say was a smile. Inside, I soared. 
Mom said she saw me crying through a window, 
left me to dry my eyes with the group.
She said to herself, “Someday, he’ll make it through,
Someday, he’ll know what I always knew.” 
One day, she told me that came true. 
I weeped like fireworks. 
My sister and I thumbing through records, laughing like we used to. 
Time traveling, salvaging innocence, polishing, restoring. Mending. 
Future can wait, I’m sated remembering. 
Not without its thorns. Roses vigorously plucked,
A beauty worth bleeding for.
Breathing like I mean it more. 
The privilege to people watch. 
Imagining. A narrative is alive where you only enrichen.
I promise I’ll publish it. Nonfiction. When I find my footing.
The miracle of finding our footing. 
Embarrass me. Tear me to shreds. 
More confetti to celebrate us reuniting. 
Basking in the failure to capture. 
This doesn’t deserve art.

Failing Capturing

I erased us. 
Rug swept. Insignificant. 
I didn't say it. I didn't say it. 
I left it, floating lonely between us,
eager to fill its blank, 
ease into its rightful contours,
and I denied it.

Our fairytale. 
High school stumblings, clumsy into one. 
Friends welcoming adjusting. First secrets. 
Skype calls an ocean away. Diving. 
Resurfacing with a sea-sculpted stone shaped like our heart. 
A gift that split as quick as freshman year. 
My half was ground into powder. Your half strengthened under the pressure. 
You stayed inexplicably, unselfishly. 
We shared laughs reserved for survivors of a shared love torn, 
celebrated with a richness only felt when romance fades to tattered flawless truth. 
Through a silence most uphold, we sang in jazzy harmony. 

When I came back with a soul thoroughly searched and newly alone, 
you were the first star I wished on. 
You descended, and guided me to earth that graceful way you always will for all who wander. 
I nestled your friendship in a safety chest marked "Drop Everything." 
You dropped everything, when late became early and worries came alive, 
you awakened and let me unravel undoubtedly. 
No other canvas will carry these shades of me. 
What an honor to have you kaleidoscopically confide in mine. 
And I erased it. Our first us. 
The roots that source our flourishing. 
Not even the courtesy to shatter. 
I shushed it away like it never mattered. 

I think I lost her. 
I think she's gone, and I'm the reason. 
Just another reason why faith is a myth sold by men who tell love stories they never finish. 
Another lesson in undue trust in someone unfit for following through on good intention. 
Another half dusted.
Another wound unshared. 
Another everything dropped for another hollow nothing. 
Just like every other one who said he'd never be like anyone before.
Just another man trying his best and forgetting yours.

I Think I Lost Her

Love story short, 
senior me left my sophomore girlfriend
when I left for university. 
Textbook ending. 

Eight years spent complicating. 
Methodically branching like lightning slow through a slab o' wood. 
Calculating. Labyrinth mapping. 
Trial testing paths, juggling potentials.
Primed for the instant I flutter, 
when the jitters reawaken from their jittery slumber. 
I choose my own misadventure and wonder 
how this will end.

Which pain?
I know the unrequited kind 
like the back of my unheld hand. We've met. 
God forbid it's a road I haven't simulated traveling yet.
What if we click, we court, we kiss, we commit, 
and months in, you uncover to your chagrin 
the undeserving charlatan I have always been, and we split? 
The end, start again. 

Or, what if 
we join and form a bond strong enough to call home, 
a promise lifelong to forge a future only our own, 
us envisioning honeymoons, nurseries, nursing homes, 
then I meet someone new, and desecrate all we have ever known? 
I'm no saint. I won't feign like infidelity's not a feasible failstate. 
Believe me, this messenger would shoot himself 
over the pathways these possibilities pave. 
Let me count the ways your innocent heart could break
multiplied by the rate at which I blame you for mistakes 
to the power of infinity unpredictabilities. 
How many storybook togethers 
have regret splattered on their last page? 
And most frightening of all, 

what if 
we fall, 
and in your arms, I feel the fear fade, 
and you free my heart from its calculated cage? 
What if… 

There's no way. 
Which pain? There has to be pain. 
Your warmth briefly heals 
but what's real always returns more afraid. 
How will this end? 
I lie, I cheat, I do you wrong. 
How could I ever stay calm 
when even the truest love 
only lasts so long?

Heaven forbid, 
what if this lasts
forever?

The Fatalist

She has life. 
Eyes unlocking a universe. 
She has grit.
Firm unrelenting steadfastness 
safeguarding a heart fragile. 
She has a past she veils, pain felt needless, 
that she retells virtuosically as a heroine’s blossoming. 
She is poetry. Her voice incarnates. 
Her arms somehow outstretch unshielded for embrace. 
She has no despair, no rivals. Just trouble-tested armor,
and a longing for a betterness beyond her. 
And she has 

Him. 
His shoulders. His tender true grasp. 
He has soul, warmth, space forever free for shelter. 
She has trust. He has devotion to furthering. 
His aura, beckoning moments to emerge unashamed.
He has dreams of an elsewhere together, 
and the power to get there. 
He keeps faith through the suffering they share. 
Welcoming tears shed. Protecting, providing. 
And if ever he folds, he has 

Them. 
Budding young blessings. Wellsprings of potential. 
They have home, to return to from a world they must explore. 
Boundless wonder. Opportunities for glorious failure. 
Introductions. Forgettings. Discovering what stays.
They have time. They have guides.
They have him. They have her. 
And they all have each other. 

I have nothing. 
I need nothing.

For Them

Someone somewhere's smiling over you. 
Far off, nearby, worldwide, in the same room. 
Somewhere, someone's heart fills up with love,
knowing someone else is somewhere too.

Guess who’s gone again? Me. 
Off that same ol’ love again. You. 
Told myself the last time I’d hold my heart for sumn true. 
Til I was sittin’ down in the theater, me and my friend. 
Half watchin’ the movie, half wantin’ it to end, 
‘til a diner scene came, and barely in frame
was a bombshell’s fifteen seconds o’ fame. 
What’s her name? I waited ‘round after the end, 
but my friend wanted to leave so I didn’t get to read 
the name o’ the loveliest woman I’d ever seen 
in the back o’ the back of a cinema screen. 
So now I’m watchin’ the game on TV. 
Half scrollin’ Instagram, half half-cheerin’ my team. 
In between, an ad pops up for some fast food 
and guess who’s back in the back of the room? 
What’s her name? Rackin’ my brain, I need coffee. 
Headed to my spot to shake the woes off me. 
Ordered my uzh and turned around, 
to see the girl sittin’ on the screen sat in front of me now. 
What’s your name? Oh my god, I’m a huge fan! 
I was starstruck, freakin’ out everybody in Starbucks. 
Sat down with her. Chatted a bout her life. 
Her next gig was upgrade time: she had lines. 
She scratched the name o’ the movie in my receipt and left, 
off to go steal another scene. 
It was months; y’know how production can be. 
But on the day it released, I had a front row seat. 
And I was searchin’, scannin’ the back o’ the back. 
I didn’t see her, not even in the credits. 
She didn’t make the edit. Destined to stay in the background. 
Another face fades in the crowd. She’s a full-time extra. 

Full-time extra. 
She’s tryna be a star. Til then, 
she’s a full-time, full-time extra. 
Caught me off-guard from afar. There you are. 
You’re a star to me. You’re all I see 
in the back o’ the back o’ my TV screen. 
She’s a face in the background. 
I had my spotlight on 'er. Now she's gone.


Her name's Macie. 
Born and raised in Bed-Stuy. 
Started singin' at five in her church's kids choir. 
Her middle school musical, she was in ensemble. 
The lead actress's voice was awful. 
She wanted to step downstage and shine. 
She knew all the blocking, the dancing, all the lyrics and lines. 
But it was thank you places, upstage by the wall. 
The first to take a bow at curtain call. 
Her high school play, she was cast as an understudy 
to a triple threat who could outperform anybody. 
Closing night, an agent was watching. 
And after the show, he offered her an Off-Broadway role. 
She was there every night. Macie never got to go. 
Maybe things would change when she calls the conservatory home.
In the front of the class, painstakingly taking notes 
for another audition, another thanks but no. 
And it hurts, feelin’ self-tapes are all your self’s worth. 
It hurts knowing your parents aren’t supporting your search. 
And it hurts usin’ your voice for everyone else’s words.
It hurts, but she’s still five singin’ in church. 
She met a boy auditioning, her and her friend. 
Started seeing him at every casting call they went. 
Text messages on the daily, she felt amazing. 
But when the boy and the friend started dating, she started fading
in the back of the back of their romance show. 
Love stories are the closest thing to love she’s known. 
All her crushes chased after the girls in the lead roles, 
while she danced her theatre kid heart out alone. 
But she’s livin’ her dream, waiting until she makes it. 
I still have the receipt, I’ll save it for when your famous. 
And even if no one else ever sees your face, 
you’ll be front and center stage whenever this song plays.

Full-Time Extra

Run, run. Run away from it all. 
That runnin' runnin' don't last too long. 
When the days run out, and the lights turn off, 
you get real close to what's really goin' on. Don't. 

Don't. Don't fight. 
You're always in a, in a rush to be alright. 
You can just feel that. Don't keep it all inside.
And you can feel bad. I'm still by your side. 
I'm here for whatever you fear. 
So if you get scared, now it's we somethin' we share. 
You are not alone. 
Hurts too deep on your own, so you run. 
Ain't no shame in how you cope. 
I can see it in your, in your eyes what's true. 
You can hide. I'm ready to find you when you're through. 
And you can say sorry all you want to. 
I'll just say you're perfect whenever you do.

So don't
run, run. Run away from it all. 
That runnin' runnin' don't last too long. 
When the days run out, and the lights turn off, 
you get real close to what's really goin. And. 

And you make sense. 
Course you feel stress when it gets intense. 
It's when you start thinking you should feel anything else. 
Right now, you're free to be all o' your self. 
And you don't ever, you never waste my time. 
Any time I share with a friend's well spent. 
And if my friend's not feelin' alright, 
I'll give all my time til you're fine again. 
And you can't get up till you fall. 
And you won't ever heal the pain until you feel it all. 
So you can scream, cry, punch the wall. 
And I'll still run back any time you call. 
I'll be there for whatever you need to let out. 
Make real every though that you're thinkin' about. 
And you can say sorry all you want to.
What you say comes true. What you don't does too.

You feel whatever you need to feel,
and I'll love whoever I wanna love. 

Run away from it all. 
That runnin' runnin' don't last too long. 
When the days run out, and the lights turn off, 
you get real close, real close, real. Don't

Don't. Don't run, run. 
Don't run, run, run, run, run. 
Stop runnin' runnin' runnin' runnin' runnin'
runnin' runnin' runnin' runnin' runnin'. 
You can run, run. Run away from it. 
I'll be here whenever you're done with it. 
And you don't ever have to be done with it. 
I'm here whenever you run. Run.

Run, Run

In 2019, I learned how long a moment feels. 
Sat next to a stranger who shouldn't have been, 
delicately peeling away years of strangeness. 
We weren't catching up. There was nothing to catch. 
We were building with, for like ten minutes. 
She got up, walked onstage to a public park's worth of onlookers and sings her heart open. 
Stunned, backstage sat next to where someone who used to be a stranger used to be, 
gazing straight up at our moon, and snap. 
A moment, of gratitude, humility, 
vivid as present the second I recall. I'm still there. 
A moment is 2.5 nanoseconds.
A moment feels infinite. 

Let’s play pretend like the day will end 
with the sun fallin’ down to rise up again. 
You curl up in bed like you always have
and drift off to Dreamland for a well earned rest.
Until then, it’s all on a track to that. 
Where you’ll end up bein’ is right here where you’re at. 
What stays constant. 
Watchin’ the hands on each clock.
Still swingin’ whether you feel they will or not. 
How a tree still grows, the sea still flows. 
No need for anybody nearby to know. 
How the world stays spinnin’. The stars stay twinklin’. 
Regardless o’ whatever bad thoughts you’re thinkin’. 
Think ‘em. Feel it. Trust it’ll pan out,
like every other day you had before now. 
They say that any day could be your last. 
‘Til then, you will be alive by the time this song ends. 

Five years back, I was dazed.
Took one second to hear. Took five years to say.
I trust in my timescales. In timescales, I trust. 
Wait a millisecond. 
Five years back, I was gone. 
Searchin’ for five years long, and now five years on, 
I trust in my timescales. In timescales. In time. 

2017, I coulda been twenty-one. 
Studyin’ up in Northridge, almost done. 
Coulda ran for school president, ran some more clubs. 
Coulda partied downtown, fell in and out of love. 
Coulda walked as a grad, walked away from the mic, 
got a job and a house, two kids and a wife. 
Coulda laid down comfy in my home each night, 
and stare up at the ceiling, no meaning in life. 
‘Cause back in 2017, I was twenty with a dream 
and a choice o’ what kinda pain I want most. 
Be true to the art and let the rest run thin, 
or be set for life and wonder what coulda been? 
Well, I made my choice and I’m proud.
Reason why you’re still hearin’ my voice now. 
So five years back me, this is the moment you had in mind. 
You trusted in your time. Now we’re doin’ just fine. Singin’

Five years back, I was dazed.
Took one second to hear. Took five years to say.
I trust in my timescales. In timescales, I trust. 
Wait a millisecond. 
Five years back, I was gone. 
Searchin’ for five years long, and now five years on, 
I trust in my timescales. In timescales. In time.

Timescales

Soon as I sat in her passenger seat, 
she connected her Bluetooth and said she had heat. 

Music. Interstate cruisin'. 
Listenin' to blues out the delta. 
Next up, shuffle to a bossa nova. Jobim - Wave. 
I had my arm out the window to Weston Estate. 
Watchin’ palm trees sway to the swing o’ Nate Smith. 
No skips. Like, “Wait, who sings this?” Angèle? Bet. 
The birds singin’ Orville Peck. 
Red light bumpin’ Are You Bored Yet? 
Yellow light, A Fever You Can’t Sweat. Green light, Yeek. 
Almost got in a wreck to the Elephant Love Medley. 
The irony. Stuck in traffic playin’ Speedwagon. 
Seat back. Sunroof gazin’ to Milt Jackson. 
Allen Stone as we pull up to her place. 
She said,  “Wait, don’t get out til the whole song plays. 
The best part’s at the very end.” I disagree. 
The best is only just beginnin’ for you and me. 

I am now locked in to a love eclectic. 

We didn’t even get inside 
‘fore I heard Steely Dan through the wall. 
We walked through her door to Space Song. 
I clocked her Victrola. 
Sat on her sofa and rolled up 
playin' Nino Rota. Smoked up. 
Listenin' to Ain't Nobody Straight in LA. 
College in the valley and she's plannin' to stay. 
She's got a gallery show the next day. 
She's tryna let Sudan Archives play as she live paints. 
Aight bet I'm there. As the j burned out, 
she was lookin’ at me look a little long at her mouth. 
And we were listenin’ to… I don’t know. 
We turned the music down and started makin’ our own. 
She had her head on my chest and my arm down her back. 
Playin’ Blithe Field - RD 1 to relax. 
I said I never had a playlist play me like that. 
Like shoot, is there anything you don’t like?
…Rap. 

Soon as she sat in my passenger seat,
I connected my Bluetooth and said “I got heat.”

A Love Eclectic

Life is shared.
Love is real.

Love like this don't miss. 
Don't run outta love. 
Swoon.

Said don't look now, I'm fallin'. 
Fair warnin'. Brace yourself for this. 
I'm wagin' war on heartbreak. 
Heart gold. Heart good. No heartache. Love. 
I met this angel. Did it hurt?
When you fell down from heaven to earth. 
Shook off the dirt and you're back to God's work. 
You done gave me wings. I'm lifted.
But soft. What's that in the night?
A spark, lit fire in the dark. 
Bulletproof. Go and shoot your shot.
I bet it won't leave a notch.
Said don't look now, I'm fallin'. 
Honey, don't look down, we're soarin'. 
Good ass mornin'. 
Love too real. Can't fake, can't forge it. 
Love too much. Can't front. Can't forget. 
Heart flutters. It stutters. It skips. 
Breath too short, head rush, and I trip. 
Never seems to be ground I hit. 
I always float above, always float above.
Otherworldly. On these coals, I walk.
No burnt feet and no worries. 
Transcendence. Ya can't end this. 
Endless. Heart full fledged. I'm fixed. 
I found proof that true love exists. 
Felt too good to be true but it is. 
Hearts in my eyes and my step got a spring in it. 
Springtime bloom. Head over heels like. 

Future's bright. 
I didn't know you could feel so alive. 
Sunshine days and moonbeam nights, 
dreamin' o' bein' back by your side. 
Lovebird, listen. I'm smitten,
with no signs of it quittin'. 
You walk in, whole world sounds like it's singin'. 
It's different. You do that thing you do and it's swoon. 
Fainting. Reawakening. 
Just to feel it the same and strengthening. 
And I'm stronger, and I'm prouder. 
No fear that I'm lost. I found ya. 
Found out star-crossed fate ain't only in fables.
Faithful. One for the ages. 
Praises. Thankful. Swoon. 
Until we meet again, 
I'll be patiently waitin' for you.

Said don't look now I'm, now I'm, future's bright. 
Spark lit light in the darkest night. 
Love too swoon. Can't fuss, can't fight it. 
This heart flutters. It skips. It glitters. It's gold.
It feels like home. I'm wagin' war on heartache. 
Star-crossed fate ain't a myth. 
I'm lifted. Fledged. I'm fixed. 
Springtime bloom with a spring step swoon
and a head rush trip. Never ground I, ground I. 
Bulletproof. On these coals I walk.
No notch. No worries. Otherworldly. 
Mercy. Lovebird. Whole world singin'.
It's endless. Transcendence. I'm smitten. 
Met this blessin'. Heaven on earth. 
Wings. Honey, don't look down. We're perfect. 
Perfect. And I'm stronger, prouder. 
Found ya shakin' off dirt. Did it hurt?
Fainting. Strengthening. Reawakening. 
Thankful. Faithful. Patient. Swoon.
Swoon.

Someone, Somewhere

mr. master