Doing the dishes on a Saturday morning If my cat could, he’d be doing it too But he’s outside doing what he does best Stealing chicks from their nests
He’s the one that the feline fems all want He’s quite a talker and boy can he hunt.  
He’s got the most kills in the neighborhood Every cat would suck his chuck if they could
My Smartypants is going real
He sends his checks with a wax seal
He tells me how to wear my shoes
He shops his stocks on the merchantile
He's got no pride till he makes a kill
His body is material
God shit he's fantastic he's mouthing way strong  making his own meals
From the window I can see that he spotted a bird If he’s quick it’ll be his twenty-third 
It’s a juicy robin looking the wrong way Barely got away just yesterday
Goes behind a tree and gets ready to prance Guess that’s why his name is Smarty Pants.  
A textbook kill today would suffice cuz Smarty Pants can never fail twice 
Almost widowed his wife and broke his wing Robin made the call to compile a sting 
His ali wop was an old grey cat To 'Pants he bowed cuz he got too fat 
He had some friends from across the pond Gunna regain their turf before too long 
They licked their chops thinking on behalf of smarty's flag falling to half staff

Darts towards the bird aiming for his heart The scene was ugly right from the start 
With help from the cats robin knew when to duck Pants saw the cats and didn’t give a fuck 
Robin screamed to the rest at the top of his lungs “Pants is gunna die while he's still young!»
I heard and saw what went down outside Grabbed a stick and ran to Smarty’s side 
He had them all just chasing their tails Looked like a ninja down to every detail
Robin’s genius sting had clearly failed Tails between their legs, the thugs set sail
Pedro Alonzo from the dirty south Fresh out of jail rabid tooth in his mouth 
Always had it in for Smarty Pants ‘cause he took his girl at the catnip dance 
For five to ten he’d return to jail but his revenge hadn’t gotten stale 
Smarty Pants was yelling pumping victory fists. Waiting behind him, the one detail he’d missed 
Pedro jumped on his back and embedded his teeth Smarty let out a yelp that echoed for weeks 
I ran towards the brawl as it had begun Little did I know the damage was done 
I swung like the babe cracked open his head Pedro fell to the ground lifeless and dead
I grabbed my cat and headed back in His fatal decline was about to begin 
Since that day Pants was never the same He accepted his fate that ensured his fame 
A week later I found him stone cold His chivalrous life would have to be told 
Buried in the battle grounds of victory On his grave I wrote the number twenty-three 


SmartyPants

Scategories party Take me along Pretzels chips and sodas Words are fun  (We should do bowling next week Bowling’s fun.)
We are the high five club We’ve got our own bus ’93 Phillies got nothing on us (They haven’t won a series since ’08 and 95 is always clogged)
After leaving the stinky cheese bar A zephyr exposed Harry’s little secret Blew his hair right off
Chased it down the street Embarrassed in full Striking resemblance to Billy Crystal.
(Oh my God its Billy Crystal chasing a hair hat! TABLOIDS!)
Harry left and never came back again Harry will be missed
Harry was the creator of the excel document we used to synchronize our schedules to meet up and have fun board game conversation
(So what are you doing Wednesd(ee)y? Ahhh I don’t know What about Thursd(ee)y? Ahhh I don’t know OK just let me know)
Harry was the first to volunteer to give assistance to a high five member who was having car or truck trouble He has jumper cables in his trunk. 
(OK now the red goes on the red< No the red goes on the black. What are you stupid? Heh)
Harry would give you a courtesy call when your presence was missed at a high five event who’s corresponding box you put an “x” or check mark in Harry you’re the best!
(Mmmmmm yes this is Harry Ahhh Leave a message Harry! Harry! Where are you?!)
Harry’s shoes are hard to fill He offered so much to the club but we mustn’t worry about the past look to the future!
We’ll post an ad on craigslist in the community section In the ad we’ll mention that we’re charismatic people and we’re looking for the same
Vintage board games and knowledge of excel is a plus (Calm down. You’re like Captain Riot! Yeah Kev Could you keep it down Rgggggg you frigin kangaroo hop skippidy jump!)
Yeah and one more thing Don’t forget to mention that a background check and a drug test will be administered to every applicant!

We got a slew of responses but only a few met the criteria ending with thank you. 
(No good Too much sass No Good What about this one? It’s a keeper)
A friendly game of chess over coffee or tea Discuss his disposition when he goes to pee (Psst Jim He opened with E-4 pawn Two words: Sicilian Defense)
A prophylactic homesick in need of critique A patzer at heart opening move was weak (He’s got spinach in his teeth and a stain on his shirt He’s simply not cut out for this position)
In walks a carnie what a stunning bozo Rocky Balboa ‘gainst a UFO (See this guy? He is exactly what we need We’re going to take him to the top. This guy is good)
His hair is disheveled and the look on his face suggests that he is down and out
Maybe he forgot to strap in a cotton candy girl just after she convinced her father to let her be put to death in a rusty salt and pepper shaker
Maybe he spilled hot funnel cake grease on a fellow employee Made his skin fried chicken and he made it even worst by pouring on him hot water
Perhaps the carnie life has gotten to him The fat grotesque bearded lady has been calling his name
(Live at Bozo’s carnival its alleged that an employee who goes by Bacon Burger picked the rosiest candy apples out of the bunch and tainted them with low grade bleach  Harry Goldstein, who witnessed the crime, confirms that the suspect hasn’t been touched in a very long time Back to you Steve.)
This poor kid  has got a face and we need a fifth for tonight’s parchissi deluxe edition tournament  He agreed to come on by We rigged the game and made him win He jumped  up and gave high fives to every high five member who was there The members who were not there received a jubilant email
Attached were pictures of Bacon Burger sparkling atop my shoulders sparkling with his sights set high!


High Five Revive

Take me somewhere fun tonight You’re my favorite girl
You wear the pants Lets give it a whirl
Remind me that you like my touch and I spread it ‘round rosy
‘cause I don’t hear it that much

Don’t get me wrong I’m just telling you
That girls today like taking and not giving back
And that is slack
And I wanna give ‘em a slap!
But hey I’m not like that

Say what you want to say  You’re a thick necked goober
I’ll be OK Just watch what you say
Remind me to slap myself when I get silly
‘cause I don’t want to fight

Don’t get me wrong I’m not scared of you
Don’t want to bloody my knuckles on you’re ugly face
‘cause it’ll swell up and I won’t be able to play bass
But hey I’ll watch TV
Make me a star tonight you’re my favorite sweater
I won’t let you down I’ve gotten much better
You’ll never find yourself at the bottom of my drawer
Dry clean only

I always get close and it makes me sick
Haven’t smoked a good cigar in a little bit
Give me the stage ‘cause I’m making minimum wage
But hey I’ll be OK


“Tell me about yourself Do you work good with people?”
“I don’t know man Just tell me I’m a keeper!”
Remind me to slap myself when I pull a blank
‘cause God I need this job

Don’t tell my boss ‘cause I’m in too deep
This conversation has led me to believe what you said
And its all coming down on my head.

Buy hey I’ll be OK 


My Favorite Sweater

If you're tired of midi and want some sick original compositions, you've come to the right place. 

matthewshowboatsmith