Suicide is on the mind
What u hopin that ull find
Sell my soul out just for a dime
And I guess this is a sign

Pullin all prescriptions to my throat
doctors say so i wont gloat
only got a benzo a day my lifes livin in his notes
its makes me so fucking hazy,
as fragile as a daisy
not productive im lazy

been stuck up in this chair for so long
just give me a reason to fucking live
so i’ll put the cutter down off my wrist
a testament for all my sins

drippin down blood, i like the feel 
dries out like splattered paint on the field
splattered brain on the wall
gunshot at the door

i said im not a fucking crazy
stop threatening to lock me up
dont even put my dogs in cages
you know that im just a fuck up
im just a fuck up

it aint fucking seasonal, its not based on ages
its the sickness in the mind
hard to cure deep inside 

been slittin wrists since i was twelve
no tumblr aesthethics no wattpad dreamy stories 
no mama to tuggle me
daddy issues are overatted

gotta slit my wrist up

suicide is on the mind
What u hopin that ull find
Sell my soul out just for a dime
And I guess this is a sign

im just a fuck up


said im a fuck up
yea i been stuck up
the mind’s a den of scorpions that better be left out
i feel so left out
not a fucking fomo
just feelin unworthy
no one wanna befriend me

is that all in my head
or is reality
couldnt dostinguish between those two blasphemy

fuck up

gotta get rid the sharp knives on my feet
gotta get rid the scissors in my room
too much scars written all over my wrists
daily in my head all of this is doomed

too much xanny bars up my nose couldnt breathe through
dazzlin  in my brain makin me think about u 
thought about using something else so i can quit to
a better medication for my head, its all fucked up, all is raided
all is losing and all is faded
think about the fucking critic
talking bout the scars in my arms, she so crazy
no you better shut up, youre so fucking sick e ning

got no time to be dwellin on that critic
my own judgement to myself is more demeaning
so if you got nothing hurtful to say better shut up
before i splat this blood on your face


gotta get rid the sharp knives on my feet
gotta get rid the scissors in my room
too much scars written all over my wrists
daily in my head all of this is doomed

so fucking sick, try not to be a dick
stop trying to look like u caring when u just a nosy ass bitch
we aint gonna click
if u care for me then give me some bars i could sniff
dont need no attachment, that shits conveying
im insaneeee, im not denying
talk bad in front of me i wont give a shit thanks for trying
no pats on the back when im crying
no visits on the row when im dying
no body even cares when im lying
about how im really doing

our brain is grey not pink

fill up your mind

Its not done (freestyle rap #1)

Det er her natten viltvoksende kommer inn
Tåkelegger min sjel med mørke
Frykt som kommer lurende inn
Uten bank er det alltid her

For et liv vi lever i
Full av løgner og vantro 
Fanger meg selv hver gang jeg faller
Jeg vil ikke avslutte det hele

og jeg går rundt og rundt og rundt og rundt
Livet gjør meg så svak så svak så svak

Sett meg selv i forkledning, så andre ikke vil se
Gjemmer seg i vanlige klær og smerte hjerter
Knivskarpe negler som punkterer gjennom
Blø i svart, alt jeg ser

Punkterer

Ligger i sengen min her
Alt er mørkt, det er alltid mørkt
Lukk øynene 
Ventetid for å dø

Det er alltid kaldt
Jeg liker
Holder seg i ro
Som en plante

Urørlig, ikke i live
Hvorfor puster jeg fortsatt
Kan ikke gå langt,
I lenker

Å Dø

when i was younger, my mama was never home
busy working double job, skyscraper high heels
spending days with my granny, companion of some xanny
chemical delight, im afraid of heights
i was just in highschool
lil kid, i knew nothing
but the world hit me like a truck
young sex free drugs from speed to ket to absinthe
i was never done
it was just a random thought,
something to escape to
the cruelness of whats around
violence and destruction
in the capital city jakarta
it fucked my heart a lot
got a foreign daddy 
never saw him twice,
friends joking around
that i was a child from satan's fornication
i mean like fuck that, i didnt care
and i remembered when i was younger
i wanted a daddy, but aint got none
lookig at my friends
full package,
im always missing something
from sadness to anger
to disbelief to not giving a shit
until the roots grew deeper in my heart
the things i try to dismay
start to tangle all inside
it ruined me, it made me run
i was in a treadmill my whole life
i dared myself to speak out
but it was mixed with chaos
i was screaming i was crying
couldnt even eat a full meal whole day
no money in the pocket, looking for some changes
holes in the roof, sleeping in the rain
i became addicted to science fiction
hoping that my life was just a simulation
that one day someone will get tired of playing the game
and it all turns black
staring at the ceiling,
i wanted to become something great
but i just keep drowning,
in habits, in trauma, in sickness

my granny’s last word was
take care and be good to your mam
but granny,
you didnt tell me how to be good to myself
mama never cooked, mama never cared
it was always you since i was born
she was lost in steps
i was lost in aches
we were struggling to live alone
she felt like a stranger,
id lock myself up in the room
and write some fukcing suicide notes,
cus i just cant stand it
we always struggled
never commented on that
junkies run in the blood,
my uncle died cus of that
i was just a kid man i was just a fucking kid
seeing needles around 
and shit plastic bottles
carved to an art
in the bathroom of our house,
i didnt understand
stayed silent and never asked
why are people dying
i started to question when i was 10
coming to funerals every weekend
police stations on the weekday
what the fuck is going on?
what the fuck is happening?
and i learned to not give a shit

in my 23s now
life getting better, still talking to mum
most of fam members died,
rest in peace
but the guilt the shame the dream
still haunts to this day
hand trembling, cold sweats
i dont wanna be an heir
of the addiction that runs in my family
i try to stop, its so hard
got my hands full of scars
got my body all  full tattd
the regret is following me
through night and day,
i will never become more than this
that what my thought always say
every night i went to sleep
and its a pit
im willing to jump
depression, mental illness,
fuck their names,
its just empty
its just dark

Storyteller

talking bad shit, people talking bad shit
jealous of achievements
taking up to your statements

so hard being kind these days
looking for the clout, yeah he always says
believing in god and i still want to pray
to keep these demons outs and what they may

and even though the sky seems always grey,
i can shape my life as if it was a clay

social interaction became some sort of ecstasy
living in your world full of fantasy
ass licker you prolly got a strategy
wishing deep in your heart, wanna be celebrity

tragedy and chaos nurturing the field
the more i get to know someone nothing is concealed
when you’re being a taker, you’re revealed
so i pray to god for this disease to be healed

jealous, it makes you mellow
theres nothing you excel,
so you try to compel
for people to propel

on your own needs, your own desires
cus nothing you do really matters or inspires

hey, have you heard
talking bout someone else tryna be affirmed
in a negative way, you’re so absurd
never come up first, your’e always the third

connection, theres always sections
like an election,
friendship needs protection
and self reflection

if someone do you bad, remind them that its wrong
in some ways, that state that you are strong

because how come we could get along
if you make me feel like i don’t belong
thats the point of why i’m rhyming thing song
so it sticks to your head and a side dish bong

there are four seasons, people also change
its not something that you should see as strange
whats the point of taking some revenge
cus for me it just seems so derange

living is exhausting
the rivers always crossing
im one of satan’s offsprings
my mind is always tossing

but yeah i try my best to be nice
i listen to advice
cus life’s a fucking dice

and i heard you got some cruel mouth
gauging up your neck and you always shout
i mean the fuck your’e talking bout
you’re drowning me in your bullshit drought


focus on your growth, your health, your mind
try on to be kind,
you don’t need to incline
your self is what you define
you try to self refine,
leave the bullshit all behind,
consider you resigned

my insecurity makes me feel depressed
giving out all honesty, here i confess
making friends and having fun i used to obsess
thinking that my sadness can be repressed

and i try my best to keep on living
always forgiving
a bit of thriving,
a bunch of giving

yet its still not enough
and i know that it ain’t a bluff
people tryna take it all,
consume and maul

i used to be that kind of person
but now it feels like a burden
so i chose to change my version
and not just some excursion

and it actually made me feel way better
i’m not someone whose a regretter
i did a lot of awful things back then, yeah i know
but here i’m making a change and it shows

so i shut my ears to all the bad comments
its peaking up  anxiety, some torment
if i chose to debate, became an argument
self reflect is all i do, yeah good moments

and i believe being a giver give good things in life
don’t have to sleep with one eye open and a hand on knife
and in some way maybe i’ll be a better self

Here I Confess

hva handler livet om
bli forelsket 
og ute av kontakt
jeg er trøtt
jeg trenger å hvile

jeg blir gal
det er utmattende
hvordan kan jeg stoppe tiden
uten å drepe meg selv

regn
falle på meg
vaske blodet mitt
gjør meg ren

Regn

Verkende, ensom
Får jeg meg selv til å føle meg slik?
Tristhet, tomhet
Hvordan kan jeg overvinne dette?
Stor by, små drømmer
Jeg trenger ikke en trygg plass, jeg trenger bare litt plass
Jeg trenger å komme meg ut herfra
Det ødelegger mitt sinn
Alle føler seg bedre enn alle
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