I want to love God but love, for me, is a broken concept. Thankfully my relationship with God is not dependent on how much I love Him. He loves me regardless of how I feel.

Jesus, You're the Savior of my soul
I want to live for You
I want to serve You
The best that I can

Jesus, You're the King of my heart
I want to bow before You
I want to worship You
The best that I can

When I fall down You lift me higher
When I stand too tall You let me fall again
You are my heart's one true desire
When I fall down
You reach out Your hand
Again

Jesus, You're the love of my life
I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice 
The best that I can

Jesus, I need You
I don't want to fail You 
I'll reach for Your hand
The best that I can 
Again and again

"We love because He first loved us." (1 John 4:19)

The Best That I Can

When I was fifteen years old, I told God to "Fuck off!" He should have allowed my self-assured complete destruction. But instead, He protected me through it all.

I'm sorry Lord, for what I said to You
In my pain, I blamed You
I did not mean it when I told You off
Even though I screamed it at the top of my lungs
     Still, You heard my pain, then stood in my place

I'm sorry Lord for the way I pray through You
I can't help, but to be honest with You 
I do not have the right religious words to say
I'm thankful, You don't take it the wrong way
     Instead, You hear my prayer, then take it to my Father

I might be losing my mind
I can't stop the insanity inside
I need mercy and grace

I'm sorry Lord, for the things I'm going to do
I really, really really don't want to
I cannot find the strength to walk away from sin alone
I beg of You, with all my heart and sould
     Keep me from falling apart, hold me in Your arms

I am losing my mind
I can't stop the insanity inside
You are mercy and grace

Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34 NIV)

I'm Sorry Lord

I struggle in church, but I desperately need God. My faith is small, but I sit in the back of the back in hope that God can reach me.

Here I hold in the palm of my hand
Everything to me
I can't let go
I can only squeeze

Down here in the bottom
God help me
My mustard seed

Here I sit in the back of the church
What's wrong with me
Sirens whisper in my head
My heart screams

Help me climb out of this hole
My faith is weak
My mustard seed

Here I go again on my own
Is there anybody out there
Mama I'm commin' home
Comfortably numb

Something in the way
Yesterdays 
House of pain
Come as you are

I can hear the world
Calling me

Here I hold in the palm of my hand
Everything to me

Jesus replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can move a mountain." (Matthew 17: 20)

Mustard Seed

When I was in my early twenties, I lived out of my Chevy S1O high as a kite. The monsters of my childhood hunted me but, in that truck, God prepared my heart to truly know Him.

I live alone in here
Behind this steering wheel
Drenched in emptiness
Deep inside my chest
Alone in here

Monsters and Butterflies
In this cocoon I'm high
I locked the door but he's right outside
There's nowhere to hide
In here

I need to find a way to You
I want to find a way to You
Help me find my way to You
How can I find my way
To You

Too many days, too many nights
When will the pain subside
I locked the door but he's right outside
I need You tonight
In here

I need to find a way to You
I want to find a way to You
Help me find my way to You
How can I find my way
To You Jesus

Monsters and Butterflies
In this cocoon I cry
I locked the door but he got inside
I'm on my knees tonight
In here

"You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted; You encourage them, and You listen to their cry," (Psalms 10:17 NIV)

Lost Highway

"'Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.' An Angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground." (Luke 22:42-44)

In the garden
Darkness surrounds
Empty is the cup
On the ground

Here they come, torches lit loud
All they want, is hammer to the nail

Thorns twisted
Blood stains the crown
Mocked and ridiculed
Who hit You now

Here it comes
The whip cracks loud
Flesh from bone
And hammer to the nail

This is love
The king is crowned 
All He wanted
Was hammer to the nail

Hammer to the Nail

The nail feels differently than I thought it would. Its bulkiness is surprising considering how minimal the piercing end is. The weight of the hammer makes this easy, until I have to swing it. 

The distance between the hands must be why this one looks so big and the other so small. The screams of terror are deafening, especially the feet. You would think I could stop swinging. 

Once he's lifted into the air you can see my handiwork. Not a single bone broken. His father must be nearby. He wants him to forgive me. "Surely, he was the Son of God!" (Matthew 27:54)

Outstretched arms of my Savior
One more swing from my hand
Why am I in denial
Sin after sin

God in Heaven
What a sinful man I am
I know I don't deserve Your mercy
But You've had a plan

You sent Your Son for me
Nailed up high for the world to see
These nails, one cross, and my hammering hand
How can I understand
Love beyond my hammering hand
These nails, one cross, and my hammering hand

Am I getting nowhere 
I know You're in my heart
Every time I want to be near You
Sin tears me apart
My aching heart

Father in Heaven
What a sinful man I am
I can't get rid of
My hammering hand

You sent Your Son for me
Nailed up high for the world to see
These nails, one cross, and my hammering hand
How can I understand
Love beyond my hammering hand
These nails, one cross, and my hammering hand

How can I understand
Love beyond my hammering hand
These nails, one cross
And my hammering hand

Hammering Hand

Without Jesus, I am an extremely broken man. The insanity that bounces around inside my head is brought to peace by the hope I have in Jesus.

My heart is broken without You
I can't keep a sane thought without You
I wanna curl up in a ball, without You
I am truly broken, without You 

My soul is desperate without You
I don't want to do the things that I do
I'm trapped in a corner, without You
I am truly broken, I need You

Without You I'll go astray
Without You I'm going to hell
Without You I am truly broken
Truly Broken Without You

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalms 34:18)

Broken

I've struggled with anxiety my entire life, but sometimes it becomes too much to handle. Once I cried out to God asking, "Why is this still in my life?" I heard Him ask me, by the Holy Spirit, "Would you walk with me every day without it?" Honoring my Father in Heaven is more important to me than anything, but without anxiety I probably wouldn't lift my eyes up much.

"...And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." (Hebrews 12:1-2 NIV)

Again

How many of us have sat in the back of the church desperate for hope only to be ignored by those who claim to be the hands and feet of Jesus?

"...Jesus said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Mark 2:17 NIV)

When you see me you look right through me
The brokenness I wear is filthy
I know that Jesus told you to love me
But must I bend a knee and kiss your ring

You preach your words as if they'll reach me
The loneliness is tormenting
I know that Moses parted the Red Sea
But I can't bend a knee and kiss your ring

If only I could smile normally
Then maybe I could look you in the eye
If only I could speak with you honestly
Then maybe you could understand why
I won't bend a knee and kiss your ring

When you see me you look right through me

Kiss the Ring

Why are we raising our hands, to receive Christ in secrecy 
All eyes open wide, I will raise my hand high 
Why are we baptizing, without repentance leading the way
I will die with You, and be raised a new man

Arms Open Wide, I'm received by Jesus Christ

Why are we breaking bread, as if salvation depends on it
I will remember You, and drink from the new covenant
Why are we running the race, trampling over anyone in our way
I'm on a runner's high, picking my brothers up on the way

Arms Open Wide, we are received by Jesus Christ
ARMS OPEN WIDE

Extend Your hand of mercy to Cover Me
I've fallen down I can't get up
I drank poison from an empty cup
Cover Me

I spent some time watching the clouds fly by
It makes no sense from where You come
I've fallen down I can't get up
Cover Me

Sometimes I don't feel like praying
But I know You're there
I believe it 
barely
Can I see the holes in Your hands
Help me believe

Cloud by cloud the sky reveals Your majesty
I've fallen down I can't get up
My Lord my God, the Holy One
Cover Me

In my time of need I feel Your gentle hand

Sometimes I don't feel like praying
But I know You're there
I believe it
barely
Can I see the holes in Your hands 
Help me believe

Cover Me
Cover Me

Cover Me

Could I mention maybe
This cross I wear is but a disguise
Over my eyes

I've come this far
I even call You God
How hard I try

The cross where You were crucified
Tortured till You died
Arms Open Wide

This war rages in me
I love my sin but it destroys my soul
Fire in the hole

How can I explain 
My love for You isn't quite the same
Am I that cold?

Still, You took my place
You chose to pay the price
Arms Open Wider than 
Two Nails
Wider than
The War within me

God's wrath poured out on His Son
The perfect sacrifice
Arms Open Wide
Arms Open Wide

Between Two Loves

I'm holding my breath today
If I scream the silence fades
Sitting here in this emptiness
Is worse than alone

As I cry out deep in pain
To the name above all names
I don't want to imagine 
Where I go from here

Can You hear 
Me

Today
I pray
To feel no more pain
I'm going insane
Today 
I beg
Take this away
I have no more strength
Left 
Today

In the garden where You knelt
Was Your prayer a cry for help
Are You the Savior who knows exactly
Who I am

On the cross in the place of me
The torment, the agony
The rise of a King
Going through that for me

I know You hear 
Me

Today
I pray
To feel no more pain
I'm going insane
Today
I beg
Take this away
I have no more strength
Left
Today

Today
I pray
To feel Your embrace
I need strength
Today

Today

Today

“Without my Father in Heaven I am swallowed into hopelessness. Without my Savior Jesus I am destined for Hell. Without the Holy Spirit I am powerless to believe.” (Messed Up Christian)

Messed Up Christian

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