I talk to the people who owned this house before me... not, like, on the phone or anything, but out loud, sarcastically, when I find dumb shit they did.
"Who hangs pictures with full-sized nails, Angela*? Look at these holes! Look what you've done to my drywall! What the fuck where you hanging, the moon?"
"You chained the dog to this post, Michael**. It was a giant dog, I can tell from the way it dragged its body back and forth against the brickwork. I can also tell you're an asshole."
"Everybody on this street has a bricked-in mailbox and y'all couldn't bother doing anything with that pile of brick bullshit in the garage for a year. A year."
"Were you people throwing things? Look at all these fucking dings! This house was brand new and you took care of it like shit. No wonder you're divorced***."
*jackass 
**another jackass
***I am also a jackass

Metatron Singletary