All of my friends are married
So I stay at home and organize my Christmas cards
Every year in order of who is most annoying
Then I delete their phone numbers

It's the only way to get by in life
Swatting away those who love their wives

Only the weak need a partner
The world needs a martyr
So I kill my desire to save my future 
In writing the greatest book you'll ever read
About a lonely man who never settled down
It's a novel, I swear

I know the name of Fraiser's dog: Moose
I know the words to every Bright Eyes song
I met him once in a bar
I've read a bit of "Infinite Jest"
What'd you all expect
Please, even a jerk like me can't get through that

It's the only way to get by in life
Whiling away all my time online

Reading reviews, leaving comments
On grad students' sonnets
I make jokes under my breath at work

Bagging the food for all of my friends
And all their snot-nosed kids
What a life they live
I'm glad I skipped college
So I could make fun of them

A Troll's Tale

What Kind Of Music

A Hair Of Hope

How Many Times

Prophets

Frasier's Dog

On Our Way Out

From The Seychelles

Clerics

My Song And Dance

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
You love me no longer, I know
And maybe there is nothing
That I can do to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
That I ought to stick another man
A man who surely deserves me
But I think you do

So I cry, and I pray, and I beg

Love me love me
Say that you love me
Fool me fool me
Go on and fool me
Love me love me
Pretend that you love me
Lead me lead me
Just say that you need me

So I cry, and I beg for you to
Love me love me
Say that you love me
Lead me lead me
Just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

Lately I have desperately pondered,
Spent my nights awake and I wonder
What I could have done in another way
To make you stay
Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
As long as you don't go

So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me love me
Say that you love me
Fool me fool me
Go on and fool me
Love me love me
Pretend that you love me
Lead me lead me
Just say that you need me

So I cry, and I beg for you to
Love me love me
Say that you love me
Lead me lead me
Say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

Lovefool (The Cardigans cover)

Many's the time I've been mistaken 
And many times confused 
Yes, and I've often felt forsaken 
And certainly misused 
Oh, but I'm all right, I'm all right 
I'm just weary to my bones 
Still, you don't expect to be 
Bright and bon vivant 
So far away from home, so far away from home

And I don't know a soul who's not been battered 
I don't have a friend who feels at ease 
I don't know a dream that's not been shattered 
or driven to its knees 
but it's all right, it's all right 
for we lived so well so long 
Still, when I think of the 
road we're traveling on 
I wonder what's gone wrong 
I can't help it, I wonder what has gone wrong

And I dreamed I was dying 
I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly 
And looking back down at me 
Smiled reassuringly 
And I dreamed I was flying 
And high up above my eyes could clearly see 
The Statue of Liberty 
Sailing away to sea 
And I dreamed I was flying

We come on the ship they call the Mayflower 
We come on the ship that sailed the moon 
We come in the age's most uncertain hours 
and sing an American tune 
Oh, and it's all right, it's all right, it's all right 
You can't be forever blessed 
Still, tomorrow's going to be another working day 
And I'm trying to get some rest 
That's all I'm trying to get some rest

An American Tune (Paul Simon cover)

Michael Todd

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