I wanted it this last time. I wanted to NOT know what it would feel like, always having been a blink away from a true lost mind every time I had to start from square 1.

As stubborn as I was, I'd crawl if I had to. I'd cheat if it was an option. I'd lie, if it got me back in the race, but I would never win, so as long as I was the only one running. 


***

"Over" (Instrumental) by": Ours Samplus

"White Knuckles"

I made this a couple years back.
the first time I ever went to treatment, when I think I had it all figured out after a month, but I wrote this in my bunk the first few nights I was there.
it was the only way I could escape myself.. to go in deeper and find out why I felt the way I did.




***

["Hu-Getsu" (instrumental)  By: Herajika Tracks]

"Dreamcatcher"

For whoever needs to hear that they're not alone

"Departure" - Café Blanco    ["Rainy Streets" (instrumental) By: Blue in Green]

🎁 for my cousin cousin Xotchil & sister Isamar

"Por Supuesto" -Cafè Blanco

When you get those dark thoughts, you're not on your own.
YOU have to believe it! 
Once you believe it, it becomes known.
You begin to KNOW Yourself on a deeper level.
Then from there, things unfold and it might feel a bit overwhelming at first, but remember..
Like every good workout, your heart becomes that much more fortified. 
Strengthen your mind. 
replenish your spirit.
We're gonna be ok. 

"3AM" Cafè Blanco   ["when I sleep" (instrumental) Soulchef]

"10:30"

"10:30" (w/ 2nd verse)

If you take the action to start healing now rather than later, YOU will have made it so that it doesn't have to be a constant battle, or even a hard one. 

So, I think of mine like this:

"I thank myself for the discomfort & pain I had to endure, as i mold it into usefulness & reward myself TODAY."





***

"4am" By, Big Wave, Carter (Instrumental) 

"Just for today"

when I had no idea this was just the start of something that would later bring me to my knees.

when all I needed to get through my day was people.


"Therapy" -Café Blanco (Ft. Jordan Porter)

I thought it was my dream job. eventually, It became the start to all my real problems.
is that what they call "liquor store blues?"
5 years go by in the blink of an eye. How time flies when you're sleep walking. 

produced by Kirill Sudosa
IG link: https://www.instagram.com/kirillsudosa?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

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