instrumentation and vocals by me
mix/master by brody @prodbybrody

lyrics:

eyes to the ceiling
really cared, but i couldn't hold the feeling
always falls beneath me
and i always keep it with me
in the back of my head
while it's gleaming

is it what you want?
say it and it's done
not the only one
i go back to
the silence closes my door
i've never left here before

if i could recognize
that its a dream all the time
and the look in my eye
takes me out of this life

maybe hope for next year
and the tracks ive left 
are always near
so take me away this time
forget all of the lies

dreaming

fell into it, self destruct
there is no me there is no us
im fallin back to who i was
endless cycle of givin up
i seek those who give me none
and carelessly pull back their love
im hollowed like an empty sun
never feel it's rays above

lashes to my skin, they bleed
while vultures come to start the feast
they sense the things inside of me
prey upon who they view weak
im running through the in-between
less and less inside of me
im back and forth
and start to think
was is all just meant to be

i know they watchin
i dont give a fuck bout none of you now
im never stoppin
there will be a day
when stepping to me
will have you droppin
you just keep to talkin
step inside of your own coffin
there's no stoppin 

dont look my way bitch 
i'll always be the same

vulture

im just scrapin by
made my life just passing time
i could wait forever
feelings fade in every night
i just cant remember
back and forth it's never right
this is no life

damage 
i just go through pain
that i cant manage
every day
all the same habits
give me something else
i have to have it

while i wander in and out
spade stuck in the ground
lay in the cracks n the trenches
i promised that im not around
laid in the grass
under trees
just a memory
but thats where
i want to be

im not lookin over
i dont see a future
if this is all there
is then im not sticking
round much longer
i dont want it

see what i see

through the night
in my eyelids
goodbyes never wanted
im alright, glad i said it
and i know i won't regret it

its blatent
but it always comes down to a point
i can't ignore all the noise
feel like i dont have a choice
i cant escape it, this i cannot avoid

inside out
i just gotta go now,lights out
ima loner
step out, face hell
notice
i fall right back to the start now

think im lookin past it
i put up these walls
and there aint never gettin past em
had my dreams right in front but couldn't catch em
for a second really thought that i could have em

lay it down
is it too much
gotta figure out
i dont want a crutch, i dont want the doubt
staying on my feet feeling different now

yeah im not pretending
spent a lot of time thinking that its never ending
its alright, im still working on changing
while my thoughts non stop 
keep straining

never ending (harvest)

human achievement

prod by @nevrfall

'pessimist' the album coming next month

lyrics:

could i rip this lowly veil away
i lay down in trenches
counting how  much of the time it takes

oh, how the winter makes my head decay
theres a strange comfort in it
guess it makes me want to stay

i find no peace in all the voices
and my doorstep staying blocked, blunting noises
its my responsibility to keep on holding torches
cant make any promises the darkness only worsens

time froze when i left home
another night better left untold
more thoughts, another lump inside my throat
i lay back, ripping up another note

i cant stop the thoughts of distant company
you made me feel like i was something worthy then let go of me
and i cant clean the messes that i make 
theyre right in front of me 
but i just cannot give myself a chance
before im fumbling 

i find no peace in all the voices
and my doorstep staying blocked, blunting noises
its my responsibility to keep on holding torches
cant make any promises the darkness only worsens

i'll hold the torch for as long as i can (nevrfall)

@harvest

i dont say shit for a reason
i was wronged by the people i believed in
mask on my face gettin lost in the reasons
got some frost on my skin let it sink in
hear the shakes in my voice when im speakin
another loss, lost it all but i dont need it
light another blunt to my face slowly breathe in
feeling cold, cold world every season

the best times in my life were time i felt like someone had my fuckin back
doesnt matter cant step out without the fuckin heart attacks
do me wrong a single time and know that that's the end of that
got enough up on my plate i cant act friendly with some rats
life got better then got worse than it had ever been before
all the sorrow i emit is leaving trails down on the floor
ask why i dont act the same idk what i should say to that
so much shit that i cannot control i have to pay for that
keep it together
hit me up just when i thought i could forget her
comin back never
smokin blunts to the nether
cant believe i ever thought we'd be together
nah its not always bout you
but what can i do
with me theres just no way you're getting through
dont expect no one to stay in tune
never gettin used
im just not the one you'd ever choose

i dont say shit for a reason
i was wronged by the people i believed in
mask on my face gettin lost in the reasons
got some frost on my skin let it sink in
hear the shakes in my voice when im speakin
another loss, lost it all but i dont need it
light another blunt to my face slowly breathe in
feeling cold, cold world every season

reasons (harvest)

@imsoproudofyou

like im wastin every single breath i take
i got lots of scars and ripped up tissues
forced to walk away
i dismantle, 
say my name
lighting candles
contemplate
every day, all the same

whats the fuckin point in talkin about it
guess i learned my lesson
caught the message
throw off all the balance
i can live without
pay my debts walk free from those so callous
stay inside, avoid my life
i cant get it right
thinkin twice im not alright

guess sometimes im right bout things
you dont know me behind the scenes
you dont know the shit i think bout
i fall forward and break my knees
you know what ur not right about me
you cant share the air i breathe
you dont know the shit ive been through
you cannot fathom the suffering

i got my door closed shut and my windows boarded up

windows (imsoproudofyou)

https://twitter.com/comedwn_
https://twitter.com/remghost

whats the worst that could happen
gloss paint, no satin
stance doin damage
man i just cant imagine
forced new habits, life so tragic

how unfortunate
guess its what i get
for lettin someone in
like i was born for this
standin on the ledge
lookin off into the distance, i dont rly miss it

i dont rly miss it w/ comedwn (remghost)

https://twitter.com/decksmusic
https://twitter.com/prodjolst
https://twitter.com/irby314

send it all back
until the river runs dry
patiently and silently
i have to wonder why
i wont take it back
we could sit here all night
i have whats in front of me
thats honestly alright
yeah i focus in and then i focus out
feel the time go foggy always chase it around
no, i wont let you in
i just need my space now
let me fall into the blackness once again

river w/ decks (jolst x irby)

https://twitter.com/hottubjohny

lights out 
i got both hands on the barrel
busy staring at a screen, do it carelessly
trash bags piling you could see em through the windows 
tryna set the scene, what it really be

im not number in the winter
i throw on the same clothes
dont pay attention to the blisters
got a shopping bag full of pulled out splinters
i got water in my cup im tryna cast out my bitterness

its been a while
lay on the floor
and my head is so vile
and my frown goes for miles
its not the same you can't fill out my smile

i dont wanna wait another day
like the sun sets down and my life moves to darker shades of grey
i would tell you but i dont know what to say
i got enemies and demons all around me and they wont move out my way

please dont stare at me like i make it up
feel it every day every second when im wakin up

so vile (hottubjohny)

https://twitter.com/prodjolst

im not saving face i just expect em all to hate me
why i even care, there aint nobody that can save me
nothing is enough too far behind the dreams im chasing
ive been lost in the background fading

you kick me when im down then say you wanna fuckin talk?
couldn't have been right, i guess it wasn't what i thought
so keep my fuckin name out of your mouth until i rot
you'll never see my face again i knew i wasn't wrong

i gotta pay for my actions
intimate details become a distraction
i wont permit it, i'll give no reaction
i lay in emptiness, life's no attraction

i wont lie, i dont really try enough to settle all the spite
the hatred in my heart and the envy in my eyes
get me back inside ive been driving all night
i can see the sunrise

brush it off, i really get what i give out it hits me 10 fold
like a mirror shinin back reflecting inners of my mental
nah its not you it's only me, maybe you could get it
if you saw just what i see

life is no attraction (jolst)

@nevermadeithome
@jolst
@pekarot_161

bates:
i can never get myself to care
you can try to fix me but you cant
blurs in my vision overhead
stumbling around, it's only chance
its only chance
damage
i set up the scene in which i land in
pull the curtains down, you cannot make me stand this
i ran in
ruined all i had my hand in
i sit back no use in standin
you wouldn't understand it
too much on my mind
wish i could agree
i couldn't stomach all the lies
i go back there all the time
now you see, i can never get it right

nevermadeithome:
u really ruin my mood
guess thats all on me
cast that shit behind
like a cloak check my feet
i be dancing on my own in my room
keep romancing on ur phone ur not cool
damage
i set up the scence in which i land in
u use to own 2019 but u vanished
savage u know u fdk up panic
u been round to long i guess that u had it

vanish w/ nevermadeithome (jolst x pekarot)

follow goat @memoryroseishere

i go back and forth just running laps
and the heat really got to me just fell flat on my back
the distance just too much try my best not to think into it
whats so hard bout speaking on the shit that i take issue with
i feel better but so much worse when im by myself
tried it, this n that, so much proof that nothin helps
dont know myself i always struggle with identity
lately i take pleasure in distorting my reality

people want my poison just squeeze every drop right out of me
im not gonna lie, think im the only one whos doubting me
what can i do i really dont wanna make connections
ive been robbed of friendships just from constant second guessing
face it, i jus ran out of patience
and weighing
this pressure on my chest
the constant hatred, i hate it
i'll say it
i wish i was dead every fuckin day
i dont wanna talk about it 
i dont know what to say

now im walkin through the ice 
know that you're watchin
hold my life over the lake, try not to toss it in
and i fall in
dodging rocks like dodging coffins
everything comes in at arms length through the darkness
yeah im breathing
i dont expect you to dip your feet in
the waters cold this time of year 
i dont want you to feel it
yeah im seething
all this anger man, i feel it
i want to feel happy but this life wont give a reason

poison (memoryrose)

thank you to @sewerperson

bates:
im alright
but id be better if i could just step inside
and i took the reigns
just tryna take control back of my life
but its too much to fight
i reach back and swing, i try
i gotta wet my knife
said it to my face and lied
im too mortified
entrances stay fortified
i dont want advice
trust ive heard it a million times
i cant take in sights
swear that my fuckin brain is fried
such a lonely night
i cant say it but i'll try

i kept the worst all around me
now you'll know better than to fuckin doubt me
its been way too long
i can hear the shadows call
more than writing on the wall
reaching forward and i fall

yeah its terrible
absence of words just happened to say it all
it got way too much i just couldn't go out and face it all
its all my fault
give into misery, lean in and i drop
couldn't find the words
looking back and i seem to know it all

sewerperson:
tell me twice
first time i was mummified
i'll abide with anything u say is right
in the dark we all turn to lesser life
candle light saves me in these lonely nights
war inside ur head is purely natural baby
once i say my grace i turn to animal baby
pray for me cause i been out my head as of lately
tables turn and friends turn into heathens that hate me
i feel i'm the perfect candidate in this purge
i got shackles on my ankles while i pick at this dirt
i guess i dont got my angel looking down on my state
cause if they were then i'd be subject to a numbing of fate
as time goes by i could feel me rot
the light cuts thru me and it tears me up
i apologize for the pain i had caused
i know it doesn't make it right but at least i fought

bates:
yeah its terrible
absence of words just happened to say it all
it got way too much i just couldn't go out and face it all
its all my fault
give into misery, lean in and i drop
couldn't find the words
looking back and i seem to know it all

hindsight bias ft. sewerperson

bitch i stomach shit you couldn't fuckin dream about
mental lacerations split my vision
drape the scene in doubt
i can see intentions 20/20
all you want is clout
vapid every way
you set your name and try to push it out
cheap talkin
its been all out war up in my head
i never stall it
i cant stop the pressure
see my future always walled in
you out chasing fame
and im just tryna be enough for anybody
see em walkin out
throw it out, throw it out
like nothings ever good enough
the feelings all around
watch me fade up into smoke 
and no one give a fuck about it
got a handle on my shit
no i dont need nobody else
decades long winter
but one day the ice will melt
and i know i'll be ready for it
i don't need to sell it
and i'm learning how to play
the shitty hand that i've been dealt
lasting interjections
far too long that i've been dwelling on it

dwell

dusk to dawn
ive been falling with no end
another night ive been caught second guessing
features blurred i cant seem to comprehend
laying in the street
now these walls are a blessing
days pass, nothing changes, its a blur
i live out the same day
endlessly it turns
i make all the same mistakes
i can never learn
we all hit the same grave
buried in the dirt

sinking down
i fall in a familiar frown
standing out
i cower in
with darkness bound

total shade to blinding light
its not a remedy
breaking points i hit
wont skip a beat
in lacking everything
volatile mind
i feel it crumble right from under me
branded on my back
could never get behind the make believe

its a toxic fucking train of thought
guess i saw that i can pull it off
watch my face melt
into fractals overhead
its a new feeling
like time will never end
i got days wasted
a thousand in my belt
see it from a mile away
the poison, yeah i felt it
this shit holds no price to me
i could never sell it
i see how they lie to me
fantasies so desperate

sinking down
i fall in a familiar frown
standing out
i cower in
with darkness bound

total shade to blinding light
its not a remedy
breaking points i hit
wont skip a beat
in lacking everything
volatile mind
i feel it crumble right from under me
branded on my back
could never get behind the make believe

nothingwillcompare

its a balance act
spit me out with no soul attached
all ive learned is to watch my back
met my maker i lit the match
i said fuck it i'll just do this shit myself
ground up built this shit with no ones help
i got no product, got nothing to sell
i just dont like you its not that deep
i'll just stay silent til i leave
assign dissension onto me
dont mean shit dont mean a thing
fuckin talk and talk is cheap
i hope you find yourself at least
leave that spite behind i dont need it

trapped inside a feeling
its too much, too much to release it
and my heart inside still beating
barely alive im barely breathin

harm done and my words flip to the sun
had to re-think so much shit
i had to mend it up
tied up, hung around after the smoking gun
i cant stick around no longer 
crawlin out the mud
im terrified
not too good at reading through the lines
future tragedy in sight
its all night
all i see is vanity disguised
the depravity alive

trapped inside a feeling
its too much, too much to release
and my heart inside still beating
barely alive im barely breathin

harm done

thank you to @softhert

im just tired im not feelin right
just tryna catch my breath
pullin down the lights
facing a feedback loop
crawlin tryna catch you
i let all the doubt through 
i couldn't lie

i reach over empty space
see how far i take it
even with all in the way
wake up to the same
it's the same shit every day
i got water to my waist
but thats just the price i pay

ive been way too focused in on all the minutia 
glarin at me feeling like they lookin right through ya
recurring dreams of running from the pain
staring at the ground because i don't know what to say
with my hands tied up, feel it fade out, numb
i don't do enough before i have to give it up
so keep it up it's not too far
i fall through it isn't hard

empty space ft. softheart

lyrics:

just gotta slow it down
terrified of the future
scrape my brain
try to pull it out
i cant escape the doubt
and im running from the past
dug a hole straight into the ground
it always hits me when i lie down
ive been way too distant
i dont know whos on my side now
ive seen it a million times now
ive mastered descention
strapping in and take a ride down
learned it all the hard way
i just keep my mouth shut
all feels way too hard to say
bursting seams just trying to find a place
im asking "now what"
why does it always end the same
watch it turn to dust
i pour my life into a project
then i give it up
nothings ever good enough
i cant make it up
always have to sabotage myself
i hate who i've become

a familiar feeling

nobodyhasthefaintestidea

@jolst @taurs

outta sight
bring it back n vanish
got the feeling right
mortified
placing your posessions 
under blinding light
i cant manage expectations
so i fall right through
its all set and setting
try a day in my shoes
face on ice
feel the days pass by
im not clutchin dimes baby
i dont fuckin mind
get my shit together
i could try what i do
im not feeling better
my investment overdue

its alright
i got my timing lined out
i dont stomach lies
i got no fear of logging out
facin years of misery i got em in my belt
got a taste of destiny its mine
i know i felt
watch em go
i internalize a heart of stone
friends turn to foes
feelin froze
accepting that you never know
path that i chose

overdue (jolst x taurs)

thanks to @sendflowrs

prod by fonkyfake
https://www.beatstars.com/fonkyfake

just dont speak to me if ur telling lies
never been too good at reading through the lines or compromise
i got the shadows reaching for my life
tell me one more time im lookin down n reaching for my knife
see em all shootin daggers wanna come straight for my throat
theres some shit i'll never say
you'll never know
spent too long just waiting
dancing on my toes
just know now i finally understand
think i'll listen?
try to tell me what i can and what i cant do
i left my whole life back in the dust n now its past due
ive been workin every single day to cut this path through
just dont speak my name you dont know shit about it

dagger w/ sendflowrs (fonkyfake x glorykeyz)

@itsme1ove

i wish i saw it sooner
but it has to be like that
dont think about the future
doesnt seem theres a way back
the sky never turns bluer
only turning all black
i wasted all my life
hoping the feeling
would come back

day after day after day
im just stuck inside this place
quarantine didnt a change a thing for me
feel so low
feel so far beneath
and i swear
i could try
but never change a thing

the feeling wont come back (1ove)

another day another hopeless expectation
im in my head with all these hopeless contemplations
i remember we were sitting in the basement
couldn't tell if i was just another replacement

right back to how it used to be
right back to how i felt back in 2015
its just how it's meant to be
i just fell right inbetween
all those nights i spent alone
cause there's no other way to be

right back to how it used to be
right back to how i felt
when nothing happening was new to me
i cant get through to me
so i just isolate myself
cause nothing ever feels true to me

another day another hopeless expectation
im in my head with all these hopeless contemplations
i remember we were sitting in the basement
couldn't tell if i was just another replacement

now it's back to how it used to be
in my head my thoughts consuming me
how long until i truly see
that im the only one fooling me

i got used to it

no way out so just forget it
i know how this will end
self fulfilled just how i said it
and anything you say i wouldn't bet it
told myself it could be different
but i swear i never meant it

i think its time i head out
see myself up in a stretcher with my veins bled out
see it in my dreams throughout
think i started to believe it
i got past all the doubt

from one state to the next
theres no inbetween
every day means less
i dont fuckin fiend 
i just live with the stress
say some shit i dont mean
watch it make a bigger mess

no way out so just forget it
i know how this will end
self fulfilled just how i said it
and i dont care to take any credit
put my face in the back
take the bag, thats how i get it

i cant even try to weigh the consequence
i dont really care if i pull through
or fall through all of this
what i said, what i had
no difference
what i meant, second hand
no ones business

no way out so just forget it
i know how this will end
self fulfilled just how i said it
and anything you say i wouldn't bet it
told myself it could be different
but i swear i never meant it

from one state to the next
theres no inbetween
every day means less
i dont fuckin fiend 
i just live with the stress
say some shit i dont mean
watch it make a bigger mess

no way out

ive been working on an album for a while, but im honestly unhappy with how its turning out. i'll be going back to releasing frequent singles and maybe an album later this year. thanks to everyone that listens

prod by me
photo by blunt weather

lyrics: 
i think its time i quit asking me why
i sit and watch the ceiling in the night time
i dont have nothin left in me to fight
why do i always quit before i try

saying its over
i dont want to force the closure
i just want to free my shoulders
and i cant lie, i let it take over
feeding into all the lies
with no compromise
and if it could be any different
reaching and creating distance
a victim to my own decisions
i know, but i cant lie

i wont lie, i know its my fault

prod. by me

big big thanks to @softhert for jumping on this track

morgan bates

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