I started a new, first time relationship with a woman. Even though I attempted to make it seem, to myself, that this was just for fun, I started to instantly get into, what I now know is called, puppy love. Everything felt amazing, learning how to connect, having someone look at me, and want to touch me. It was....so nice. I learned how I could love, however valid. And be loved. But, something never felt right, like a fleeting negative thought, that came back, time and time again.

Personality

2 - Hold On Tight

With a more open mind, but purposeful intent, I happened upon an extraordinary person. Someone who I didn't realize could exist up until this point. Our energies aligned, our humor, likes, dislikes, all intertwined so effortlessly.

11 - Angel in My Life

It took some time, I settled back into my old ways. Enjoying being by myself again. But I started to actually feel the desires to be with someone again. I ruminated on the idea, of just being with anyone. One night stands, quick fixes. But I realized quickly that deep down, I'm not that type of person. I started to appreciate the passing of time more, and found that I enjoyed the idea of having someone I can bounce off, and grow to know for the future ahead.

10 - Time Goes By(E)

What I discovered within myself after having my realizations, is that all I actually wanted, was someone to love, and be loved by. I grew accustomed to the idea that I was able to be alone. Comfortable in the knowledge, that one day, when I've 'completed' my goals, I'll find someone. Now that I've experienced a relationship, I wanted it back. But with someone else.

9 - Harder to Be Lonely

After some time, I realized I had been under the illusion of love. Puppy love. I performed well, I got a treat, I didn't feel right, then repeat. This realization struck hard, as I was very confident and secure within myself, thinking I chose to start this relationship, I chose to just say yes! But, I fell victim to love. Blind love. Love that was built on a lie.

8 - Built on a Lie

I had never experienced what is was like to properly break-up with someone. Or to be broken up with. As much as I had read, watched and listened to my whole life, of people going through this process, I didn't realize how badly it would affect me. I began to spiral into depressive thoughts, what could've been had I just been more willing to change. Trying to get back together, begging that I would be different. But it was not meant to be.

7 - I Don't Care Anymore

In the chaos of becoming different to my usual self, I began to seek more attention, through the acts of somebody that was not myself. I didn't feel seen, I felt alone. Yet, I manoeuvred the relationship into a fake bubble, that only grew more and more one sided, as I was placating her and allowing myself to fit whatever mould was set for me. She wanted me to be whomever she wanted me to be, and I wanted her to be what I thought she could be. It was dangerous. We broke up.

6 - Dangerous Love

As I started to realise that the relationship was waning, in hindsight, I began manifest my worst fear. Changing myself. I wasn't acting in the way I had my whole life, true to my own ways, set on my own personal goals. I began to change, because I didn't want to lose something. I started to become someone different, to appeal more to this person who couldn't accept me for who I am.

5 -Devil That You Know

I began to sense that things weren't as good as I thought. I wasn't being myself, I started acting differently to make sure I was still accepted. My own personal beliefs, which I was so sure about, was tossed aside. My dark sense of humor, my love for games, music and movies, made to seem irrelevant.

4 -Scared to Be Alone

I didn't feel accepted, loved, or heard. Everything just happened, and I was stuck in a loop of trying to make it all positive. I felt like I was giving my all, losing my identity, and nothing to show for it. Covid had come around, and the distance, and loneliness crept in. The relationship started to show its true colours

3 - Trapped

It all begins with me, saying yes, to the next person that asks me out. Up until this point, I'd never had a relationship. I decided to change that. I started to feel lonely, and separate from the world. I spent most of my time in life, in a very lone wolf mode. I began to fear physical connection, and tried to push anyone away, that was interested in me. As it turned out, saying yes, introduced me to a lot of great things, and a lot of problems.

Nahtanriel

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