My guest today is Terry Real, and we&rsquo;re going to cover some advanced strategies for thriving in your relationship. Whether it&rsquo;s how to recover from a grievous wrong, how to keep your relationship healthy, or how an unconventional way to take a relationship from good to great - there&rsquo;s lots to discover in this conversation!
Terry is a nationally recognized family therapist, author, and he has appeared on Good Morning America, Oprah, ABC News, and 20/20. In private practice for over 25 years , his most recent book is The New Rules of Marriage: What you Need to Know to Make Love Work. &nbsp;He is here to discuss his newest book and tell us practical ways to make our marriages and relationships exceptional.
Terry sets the stage by sharing how relationships today are different than they have been historically. &nbsp;People today have much higher expectations of what their relationship will be in their lives. The problem is that most people haven&rsquo;t mastered the sophisticated set of skills needed to maintain the kind of relationship that they want. The purpose of his book (and this episode) is to give you the skills that you need.
Terry discusses the following details about relationships:


The phases of Harmony, Disillusionment, and Acceptance/Repair. What stage are you in now? The cycles are ever-repeating - which should give you hope if you happen to be in a state of disillusionment at the moment. If that&rsquo;s the case, what would it take to move your relationship towards Repair?


Cherishing. While it sounds simple (and is simple in many ways), Terry actually devoted an entire chapter to it in his book. Are you focused on appreciating your partner&rsquo;s good qualities? How do you let them know?


Terry discusses the losing relationship strategies of harshness and self-righteous indignation. &ldquo;Harshness has no redeeming value of any kind. &nbsp;There is nothing that harshness accomplishes that loving firmness doesn&rsquo;t accomplish better.&rdquo;


He refers to his &ldquo;Winning Strategies,&rdquo; including shifting from a negative past-focus to a positive future-focus. &nbsp;He also explains his &ldquo;Golden Rule.&rdquo;


Terry has a 3-step action plan for a spouse to follow if their partner isn&rsquo;t ready or willing to change the relationship. Dare to rock the boat. &ldquo;Listen - this is really important to me!&rdquo; Once you have their attention, help them WIN. Tell your partner what you need in order to make the situation better. Then, make it worth their while! Give positive feedback. Celebrate steps in the right direction, even if it&rsquo;s not fully what you want it to be.


Put an end to the Cinderella Syndrome! It&rsquo;s ok to ask for what you want. &nbsp;


We each have a Core Negative Image of our partner - it is how we imagine them to be when they are at their WORST. It is an exaggeration, not even an accurate description of them at their worst - but there are bits of reality in them. Anything that you do that reinforces your partner&rsquo;s Core Negative Image of you has the potential to create problems in your relationship. Anything you can do that&rsquo;s the OPPOSITE of that will create enormous growth in your relationship.


Because we get together with our &ldquo;unfinished business&rdquo; - our relationships have enormous Healing Potential. The gift of our relationships is what we do, how we heal, when we encounter these problems that are echoes of the past and resolve them.


If you have a strong relationship, you can use the Dead Stop. In a dead stop, if you see your partner starting to act like your Core Negative Image of them, you let them know (using a keyword, such as &ldquo;pineapple&rdquo; is helpful) - and they stop everything, and without being defensive, apologize! Acknowledge what they&rsquo;re seeing. And use it as an opportunity to release your need to be right, and instead to build connection with your...

04: Advanced Relationship Jiu Jitsu with Terry Real

Odds are that the way that you&rsquo;re having sex is actually causing problems in your relationship. In this episode, you will find out how having orgasms is a surefire way to lead you toward getting bored of your partner, creating problems, and breaking up - and how karezza (or non-orgasmic sex) can completely change the dynamics of your relationship. Experience the increased closeness, desire, and feelings of fulfillment in relationship that will help you sustain partnership over the long term.
My guest today is Marnia Robinson, author of Cupid&rsquo;s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships. &nbsp;Her book is about how sex and orgasms affect your biochemistry, how it can undermine your relationship, and she also describes a way of lovemaking that boosts your bonding biochemistry to help you increase your love and fulfillment in your relationship.
Marnia is a graduate of Brown and Yale and a former corporate attorney. &nbsp;She blogs on Huffington Post and serves on the board of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health. Marnia is also the moderator of the website www.reuniting.info where you can find more information about karezza and evidence to support how switching to non-orgasmic lovemaking will actually lead to a happier, more intimate relationship.
Here are some of the details of our conversation:

When you have an orgasm, your brain gets the biggest natural blast of neurochemicals possible without drugs.
The &ldquo;ripple effects&rdquo; of how this blast changes your internal biochemistry can continue for up to two weeks and affect how we view our partner and the world around us.
Some of the ripples you might experience are: mood swings, depression, anger, irritability, mental fogginess, boredom, and fatigue
While western society has become very orgasm-focused, other cultures have had teachings (many of them ancient) that advocate abstaining from too much sexual climax because of weakened energy. Now science can actually back up this advice.
It makes sense in terms of evolution and fostering diversity why you would want to grow tired of one partner and seek out another. However, since we humans are in the rare 3-5% of mammals that pair bond, we have two competing bio-mechanisms at work. If you stick with orgasm-centered sex, then you are going down the road of habituation to your partner. On the other hand, if you practice sex that is non-orgasmic, you activate the pair bonding circuitry more and more strongly over time.
When you are focused on bonding activities, you actually become increasingly satisfied in your relationship - and take yourself off the path that would otherwise have potentially led to your dissatisfaction.
Bear in mind that there is a difference for new lovers, who are in the &ldquo;honeymoon neurochemistry&rdquo; phase for the first two years of a relationship. During this phase you won&rsquo;t be as susceptible to the same pattern of habituation - but by the time you reach two years you are in danger of rapidly shifting into an orgasm-driven downward spiral.
Marnia encourages gentle lovemaking and intercourse without being goal-driven and orgasm-seeking.
She also teaches attachment cues or &ldquo;bonding behaviors&rdquo; that should be part of each couple&rsquo;s daily relationship. &nbsp;If you download this show guide you will ALSO get a link to her FREE GUIDE on bonding behaviors that will foster oxytocin production in you and your partner.
This kind of sex brings more attention to each partner&rsquo;s needs, a stronger connection, more tenderness, lingering contentment, better communication, reduced anxiety, more energy, more understanding, and more balance in life.
This kind of sex is also sustainable over the long term. If you&rsquo;re in a more dopamine (and orgasmic) centered cycle, you will potentially have to always be focused on new ways to create more dopamine. Why go down that rabbit hole when your body already has a mechanism...

05: How Orgasms Are Hurting Your Relationship (and how to fix it)

Are you looking for ways to breathe new life into your relationship? In today&rsquo;s episode, we&rsquo;re exploring the power of integrity to heal problems and generate passion in your connection with your partner. What does it mean to be honest? What are you actually committed to in your relationship? How do you turn a major problem - for instance, infidelity - into a catalyst for growth and even deeper intimacy?
My guest today is Katie Hendricks, co-author of the book Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment. Having worked with thousands of couples with her partner, Gay Hendricks, Katie is experienced in helping you make the shift towards a relationship in which you and your partner are bringing out the best in each other. There are some tough topics in this episode - and our goal is to show you how to easefully and gracefully challenge your assumptions about what&rsquo;s possible for your relationship.&nbsp;
Katie discusses the following topics:

Conscious Loving means to be awake and engaged, with a free choice to communicate clearly and authentically about feelings.&nbsp; How do you bring out the best in your partner? Do you want your partner to be their biggest and brightest self in the world? Where does that idea create fear in you, and is it getting in the way of your being able to encourage your partner?
Along those lines, how are you choosing yourself as well? Are you allowing yourself to get smaller in your relationship? Are there different choices that would be more aligned with what you want to create for yourself in the world?
How would you know if you are experiencing &ldquo;Conscious Loving&rdquo;?
Are you repeating destructive patterns in relationship, perhaps that you saw modeled by your parents or other adults (this could be from the media and entertainment, as well as within your actual experience)?
Are you caught in any of these &ldquo;traps&rdquo; of unconscious loving?&nbsp; Seeing a limited possibility for a relationship, having the viewpoint that relationships are hard work and require compromise, letting your partner get away with destructive patterns? Is your partner letting YOU get away with destructive patterns?
Katie&rsquo;s book lists two big traps to unconscious loving:&nbsp; letting people get away with destructive patterns, and forming relationships with people who let me get away with destructive behaviors.
The antidote for the traps is to show a feeling of caring and respect for your partner.
The Responsibility Principle is one that is often misunderstood.&nbsp; People generally confuse responsibility with blame and burden.
Responsibility is being able to claim your creativity, and instead of blaming, you get curious and creative.
What about a relationship that has gone through infidelity?&nbsp; You have to communicate about the pain and decide if the relationship is one that you want.&nbsp; Learn to listen, and both people should take responsibility for what created and led up to that event.
In spite of the infidelity, the relationship can be even stronger, and commitment takes on a new meaning.&nbsp; Both partners must commit to reveal to each other instead of concealing.
It&rsquo;s the committing and recommitting that gets you toward your goals in the relationship.&nbsp; In Katie&rsquo;s seminars, she teaches people to recognize the body sensations of feelings not being expressed and teaches them to open up.
Following Conscious Loving can help you experience more intimacy and fun along the way, even if you aren&rsquo;t yet highly skilled at it.
Fear is the big issue that hinders the consciousness because you tend to look at your partner as an enemy and not an ally.
When you practice conscious loving, you will generate more free time because you won&rsquo;t spend time with power struggles, conflict, and keeping score----all those old &ldquo;games&rdquo; that destroy relationships.
Katie explains the &ldquo;upper limit&rdquo; problem in regards to your capacity...

07: From Problems to Passion with Katie Hendricks

It&rsquo;s been 17 straight weeks since the Relationship Alive podcast launched, and I hope you&rsquo;re enjoying the deep dive into how to do relationships in a completely new way. This week, I&rsquo;d like to give you a gift. There&rsquo;s so much value in new information, new knowledge - I don&rsquo;t know about you, but my temptation is to be always trying to learn something new, always trying to grow. And yet, some of our growth happens not when we&rsquo;re trying, but actually when we&rsquo;re giving ourselves time and space to integrate. You can go to bed overwhelmed, or confused, and wake up with completely new insights. Plus rest is so important for being able to bring energy to your life and everything that&rsquo;s important to you.
So this week, rather than giving you another interview with another amazing guest, I&rsquo;m inviting you to spend some time integrating. This is an opportunity to spend time with the important people in your life - your partner, your family, your friends - and, most importantly, yourself! You could simply let everything that you&rsquo;ve heard in the past 17 episodes of the podcast wash over you - and see what percolates out in your interactions with the world.
Or it could mean taking some space to reflect. What have you learned about yourself, about yourself in relationship? What are some new questions to help fuel your growth over the coming weeks, months and years? What kind of relationship would you like for yourself - and can you develop a solid sense of what it would feel like to be in that? In terms of the podcast, maybe there&rsquo;s an episode that really made an impression on you that you&rsquo;d like to listen to again? Or maybe there&rsquo;s one you haven&rsquo;t had a chance to listen to yet? Now&rsquo;s your chance!
If you really, really, REALLY want something new, my partner Chloe and I put together a free meditation to help you harness the energy of any emotional pain that you&rsquo;re experiencing in your life to discover new possibility. It&rsquo;s on our new website - if you want a sneak peak, you can visit http://www.thenewloveparadigm.com or simply text the word &ldquo;POSSIBLE&rdquo; to the number 33444 and follow the instructions to download the meditation. It&rsquo;s our gift to you this holiday season, or whenever you happen to be listening to this episode.
There are exciting things coming in the year ahead. New episodes with amazing guests, the book that Chloe and I have been working on will be coming out, and some even bigger projects that I&rsquo;ll be telling you about as they take shape.
Meanwhile - I&rsquo;d love to hear from you. If you have a chance, drop me a line at neilius at neilsattin dot com&nbsp;and let me know what&rsquo;s been really helpful for you on the podcast, what you&rsquo;d like more of, and what you&rsquo;d like less of. Or if you have any stories about some specific change that&rsquo;s happened I&rsquo;d love to hear them. Lately I&rsquo;ve been hearing more and more about just how much Relationship Alive has been helping people in their relationships - and I can&rsquo;t tell you how much it helps me stay fired up about my mission with this podcast - to help you be able to do relationship better and be yourself more fully in relationship and in life in general. Thanks so much for listening, and I&rsquo;ll see you next week with another new episode. Take care, and enjoy your week!

18: Integration Time with Neil Sattin

This week is going to be a little different. We’ve had so many new listeners join the podcast over the past couple months - and maybe you are one of them, that I wanted to give you an opportunity to catch up. So this mini-episode is going to be short and sweet, to give you a chance to go back through the more than 8 months worth of episodes and choose something interesting, or edgy, or simply choose something at random to check out. Week after week I’ve been striving to create unique, actionable content with the world’s top relationship experts, or people who are experts at skills needed in relationship - so I encourage you to take a moment and dive back into the archives. I also wanted to mention something that I haven’t talked about at all on the podcast - if you haven’t gotten it yet, make sure you go to my website, neilsattin.com, and check out the “action plan” - which is available for FREE - all you have to do is go to the website and click the “send me the action plan” button, and you’ll get the guide that I wrote called “The Single Most Powerful Thing that Will Make or Break Your Relationship”. This guide is designed to give you clarity into how your relationship is or isn’t meeting your needs, and how to adjust things for the better - or, if you’re single, you’ll get insight into how to create a relationship that is truly going to get to the heart of what you’re looking for. Whether you’re single and looking, in a relationship that’s good - but you want to make it better, or in a relationship that’s in trouble - I want to encourage you to get support. Way back in our very first episode, John Gottman mentioned that couples wait an average of six YEARS to get help - and let’s just say that six years is a LONG time, with lots of potential to create even more damage. Sometimes all it takes is one or two coaching sessions to experience a radical shift, to learn new skills and uncover the blind spots that are holding you back. So - don’t wait six years. If you’re interested in finding out more about what it would be like to work with me, you can email me at neilius at neilsattin.com&nbsp;- or simply text the word “SUPPORT” to the number 33444, and I’ll send you a link to my scheduler to set up a free conversation to chat about what’s going on with you and see whether or not we’d be a good fit to work together. If you’re looking for a way to stay in touch as well as to connect with other people listening to relationship alive - check out our group on Facebook. It’s called the Relationship Alive Community - http://www.facebook.com/groups/RelationshipAliveCommunity - and I look forward to seeing you there! Thanks again for listening to the show, and for the courage and willingness to show up for yourself, and, if you’re in one, for your relationship. Thanks also for helping to get the word out about the podcast. Relationship Alive was recently chosen by Women’s Health Magazine as one of the top 10 relationship podcasts - and part of the success of this show has been your willingness to help get the word out. If you can take a moment to let a few friends know about the podcast, or post it on Facebook or Twitter, I would be most grateful. We have more great episodes coming in the next several months, and I’ve also heard from many listeners that they’d like to hear more about the work that I do with my partner, Chloe - and more about what’s been helpful for us in our relationship. We just taught a workshop in Montreal called “Deepening Intimacy, the Art of Conscious Relationship” and I’m looking forward to having her on the show to talk about that, about the book we’re working on, and...well - you tell me! Drop me a line at neilius at neilsattin.com, or in the Relationship Alive Community facebook group, and let me know what questions you have for me or Chloe, and we’ll incorporate that into our show together. Ok, now’s your chance to dive into...