closer

heartwood

heartwood (jav3x remix)

A Social Fiction Plot 
Week 29
2.2.23
Am, Em, G, D

“Ego is a social fiction for which one person at a time gets all the blame.” - Robert Anton Wilson

VERSE
you took a sip from a
dangerously deceiving devils cup 
you took a hit of a 
cigar filled with ego and tainted love 

PRE
blinded by the stars on the sidewalk
you only buy me when my stock is up 

CHORUS
you think that you left me in the dark
when your lights the one thats off 
you think that you’re someone so hot
but you're cold as ice and thought 

you could climb up the hierarchy
by false superiority 
cause you’re someone who's caught
in a social fiction plot

VERSE
i watched you fall down
from your trip that left you on the ground 
i tried to lift you up 
but you turned and took that cup and drank it up 

PRE
hurt people find people to hurt 
and i was the one that you picked first

CHORUS
and you think that you left me in the dark
when your lights the one thats off 
you think that you’re someone so hot
but you're cold as ice and thought 

you could climb up the hierarchy
by false superiority 
cause you’re someone who's caught
in a social fiction plot

BRIDGE
did you get all your satisfaction 
all of your friends you cashed in
on some ephemeral action 

rewind 
you’re someone i don’t recognize 
in a scene that you’re trapped in 
in a fiction you’re cast in

you took a sip from a 
dangerously deceiving devils cup 

CHORUS

a social fiction plot

blinding lights

i'm ur girl
April 2/Week 39
4.4.23

VERSE
tequila ocean
let the alcohol move you closer
dipping in ur toes 
but mine were all in
now i’m wishing the sun wasn’t setting
and it’s so cold 

PRE
fourth of july
the sparks are flying 
i’m tryin make em last 
and i dont know why
i caught ur eye
but before we turn to ash 

CHORUS
i’m on my knees
no i can’t be
just another girl to be your friend 

i’ll be your worst enemy
before i will ever be your friend
cause im ur girl
but ur not my boy
i dont have a choice 

V2
lifeguard beach stand
tangled up in a towel on the sand
first time you put your bracelet round my hand
21 and drunk in love is magic
i swear we had it 

then the rain came pouring down 
we ran to your car
then to your house 
nothing would be the same
like before
now i can’t ever be less 
need to be more

i let the plane fly me away 
cause theres only one time and place i’m not your friend
im your girl

i'm ur girl

False Alarm
E walk down
or capo 4 C, G thing, F, G, Am
april 23 / week 42

VERSE 
busy busy bee 🐝 
its okay to feel anxiety 
it hurts it stings 
because it is only lying
and tying 
up your wings from flying 

CHORUS 
Disconnect the panic button 
You know that’s there’s 
nothing to be afraid of 
It’s just noise that can’t hurt ya

Unplug the system that’s been buzzing 
You know that you’re 
running from nothing thats wrong
it’s just a false alarm 

VERSE 
busy as can be
but i don’t wanna become a machine
cause it makes me
turn me into my own enemy 
cause mentally
it gets to me 
all i knows that i have to / life would better if i’d 

CHORUS 
Disconnect the panic button 
You know that’s there’s 
nothing to be afraid of 
It’s just noise that can’t hurt ya

Unplug the system that’s been buzzing 
stop the sticky thoughts 
that you keep running from 
it’s just a false alarm 

POST CHORUS
disconnect the panic button
when ur fears start talking
fly above 

you dont have to listen to
the voice that lies to you 
just fly above

false alarm

Learning How To Love Me
(May 7/Week 44)
CAPO 5 F, C, Am, G
5.13.23

VERSE
every day i get to decide
the clothes on my body
and the words inside my mind 

when did i start telling myself lies 
of all the things to think 
why am i unkind 

PRE
push and fight
strike a match to burn out every time 
i know i’m not far behind
but my mind tells me otherwise 

CHORUS 
yeah i’m learning to love me
learning how to talk 
like i’m my best friend
calling when she’s lost 

i’m learning how to listen (soften)
when shes being hard 
saying all the things
that i knows shes not 

yeah i’m learning how to 
love love me
learning how to
love love me

VERSE
i’m standing tall 
i’m standing up high 
watching my thoughts like clouds in the sky 
and i know that it gets cold when the suns gone 
but i can always dance and let the storm rage on 

CHORUS 
yeah i’m learning to love me
learning how to talk 
like i’m my best friend
calling when she’s lost 

i’m learning how to listen (soften)
when shes being hard 
saying all the things
that i knows shes not

and i’m learning all her triggers
all the ways she copes
when she’s in the dark 
picking up her phone 

and when it gets hard
to like what i see
i remind myself 
i’m just learning
yeah learning how to 

yeah i’m learning how to 
love love me
learning how to
love love me



to face herself 

 but my mind likes to tell me otherwise

learning how to love me

billie (a song i wrote about a 3 year old girl)
6.26.23
june 4/week 48

VERSE
feather cloud floating in the distance 
in the summer breeze
you kick off your shoes at the swing set 
with all the big kids 

PRE
let me in your secret garden 
where flowers are ever blooming

CHORUS
you are 
the stars
the light 
sparkling 
in your deep 
blue eyes
making me feel like
i’m looking at life 
for the very first time 

VERSE 2
dressing up however you want to 
there’s nothing you won’t be 
running after the ice cream truck 
oh but you melt me

PRE
you paint every color in the world 
don’t care/mind if it gets on your shirt 

CHORUS
you are 
the stars
the light 
sparkling 
in your deep 
blue eyes
making me feel like
i’m looking at life 
for the very first time 

BRIDGE 
you fly from me earth
pull me out of my roots 
your name i write in chalk 
billie i love you 
and there’s no discerning the things that you do 
cause i know i’m learning more from you 

OUTRO
feather cloud floating in the distance 
in the summer breeze

billie

Woodwardia Drive 🍇✨🏘️🕯️
8.5.23
song 53/july 9


*for added lovey & dreamy visual effect* watch love is an open door muted while listening: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQDw88hEr2c

VERSE
When the moon is high 
Flickering street lights 
Like spiraling vines 
We come alive

Your silk web of strings 
Spun invisibly 
Till I’m miserably intertwined

PRE
Hope is what I have
Under your heavenly haven 
Fear is what I feel 
Over hazy signs

A translucent veil 
You’re aglow behind what’s real 
Show me what’s on the other side

CHORUS 
Tell me it’s not a dream 
Yeah we’re as it seems 
When we meet on Woodwardia

Glance right in your eyes 
Leaving me high 
When we meet on Woodwardia Drive

VERSE 2 
It’s a mystery how you came to be 
Your sincerity I’m caught in

A sworn secrecy 
When you come meet me 
I’m a dreamer lighter than mist

PRE
A cautionary tale 
when you set my ship asail / When my ships already set sail 
And you’re the one who anchors me

A broken chain but
you’re the only missing link
only one place I wanna be

CHORUS 2
Tell me it’s not a dream 
Yeah we’re as it seems 
When we meet on Woodwardia

Glance right in your eyes 
Leaving me high 
Won’t you meet me don’t leave me
Before the dawn sings 
And the worlds awakening 
I’m your only one

Oh won’t you stay the night
Under the street lights

BRIDGE
i get lost in my thoughts
wish that i didn’t question 
all your signs

maybe it’s our fate / okay 
that there’s just one place in time where
you’re mine

BREAKDOWN CHROUS (low)
So tell me it’s not a dream
Yea we’re what it seems

Oh tell me you’re all mine 
Even you’re a high 
That fades into the light

Before the dawn sings 
And the worlds awakening 
I’m your only one

And if you’re just a high
I wouldn’t mind

That you’re only ever mine
Under the street light
On Woodwardia drive

woodwardia drive

Good Man / Frame of Inferiority
(about never being good enough for someone who you could constantly try to do the right thing for)
song 54/july 16
8.30.23

VERSE
you slipped out my hands
glass on the floor now i tiptoe and fumble 
make sure that i don’t land
on one of your edges that make me stumble

PRE 
i’m a tally that you strike 
trying to get it right 
coloring in your lines 
i’m a target for your eye 
seeing stains on white
no you don’t see that i’m

CHORUS
a perfect picture on your wall
you find all the flaws in 
even when i give my all 
it’s not good enough and i’m
picking myself up like you never would 
Wishing you could understand  
like a good man should 

VERSE
your halls are like a court 
everything i say or do is held against me 
i’m living in 2 worlds
one thats mine and one that was never for me

CHORUS

POST
i’m not gonna be 
your hanging masterpiece 
to pick apart and please 
no i’m not gonna be a 
frame of inferiority 

when i’m not 
gonna be what you want 
no one could live up 
to what you expect, project 

be what you need
i’m just a human being 
i know that we’re all a work in progress
honestly is there a way to be 
everything that you ever wanted 
honestly
you were the one i wanted 
But you never saw me as faultless

like a good man should

good man

You'll Never Have Me.
9.7.23
Db

VERSE
Lightning on skin 
You are glowing 
I feel something 
Didn’t feel comin’
The nights spent with you 
Didn’t think I would lose you to her 
Every line you blurred 

CHORUS
I gave you the best part of me
I showed you every little piece
You get to keep her 
In your memory
You’ll never have

My heart I poured into a dream
Believing we could ever be
So I’ll leave her in your memory 
You’ll never have

POST
me oh me
yeah you lost me 
but you got her 
you’ll never have 

VERSE
Blush on my cheeks
Drop everything 
When you call to meet 
Pick me up and drive
All night you’re mine
Missed warning signs 
Broken bruised with battle wounds 
I’m a soldier who fell for you

CHORUS
I gave you the best part of me
I showed you every little piece
you get to keep her 
in your memory
you’ll never have

BRIDGE
my calls
my all 
How did I fall 

my trust 
you broke
all my false hope

now i exist
in your past you’ll always miss 
my ghost
you chose
a dead end back road 

CHORUS
I gave you the best part of me
I showed you every little piece
you get to keep her 
in your memory
you’ll never have 

I poured my heart out took a leap 
On believing we could ever be 
So I’ll leave her don’t need her 
and the memories 
You’ll never have ….

POST/BRIDGE
my nights 
my life 
you know that i’m one to fall twice
my trust 
you broke
believed in every bit of false hope

now i exist
in your past 
you’ll never get to have back 

my ghost
you chose
to drive us down a dead end back road 

POST
me oh me
yeah you lost me 
but you got her 
you’ll never have 
me oh me
Oh yeah it hurts 
that you got her 

no you’ll never have
no more of my nights
chasing 2 girls
lose the one thats right 

you saw the best
best side of me
and now she’s yours
all of yours to keep

ideas:
But I learned the rules to your game 
Be charming then walk away

you'll never have me.

handles

pretty boys (sped up)
F Major/115 BPM

LYRICS:

I’m tryin to be true 
Make all the right moves
But what’s the use 
When sometimes you want forbidden fruit 

They’re the ones hanging on the fence
But thorns don’t stop you from picking them 

I like pretty boys 
Who are pretty pity choices 
But I still play like i could win a fortune 

I like pretty boys 
Who taste a bit like poison 
But I still crave 
Them like they’re 5 star portions 

A pity for pretty boys 
Pretty pretty boys

I’m broken I’m spent 
But one text I’m up to bat again 
I’ll swing I’ll hit
But as good as I am I still end up on the bench 

Cause they’re the ones sitting on the fence 
(One in one out)
But sitting pretty I can’t resist 
(All I want now)

I like pretty boys 
Who are pretty pity choices 
But I still play like i could win a fortune 

I like pretty boys 
Who are so fucking adoring 
But theres no caution tape
They come without a warning

You can pick your poison 
I chose mine
I like pretty boys

The ones who have thorns around their vines 
Pretty pretty boys

pretty boys (sped up)

pretty boys (slowed down)
D♭ MAJ/85 BPM

LYRICS:
I’m tryin to be true 
Make all the right moves
But what’s the use 
When sometimes you want forbidden fruit 

They’re the ones hanging on the fence
But thorns don’t stop you from picking them 

I like pretty boys 
Who are pretty pity choices 
But I still play like i could win a fortune 

I like pretty boys 
Who taste a bit like poison 
But I still crave 
Them like they’re 5 star portions 

A pity for pretty boys 
Pretty pretty boys

I’m broken I’m spent 
But one text I’m up to bat again 
I’ll swing I’ll hit
But as good as I am I still end up on the bench 

Cause they’re the ones sitting on the fence 
(One in one out)
But sitting pretty I can’t resist 
(All I want now)

I like pretty boys 
Who are pretty pity choices 
But I still play like i could win a fortune 

I like pretty boys 
Who are so fucking adoring 
But theres no caution tape
They come without a warning

You can pick your poison 
I chose mine
I like pretty boys

The ones who have thorns around their vines 
Pretty pretty boys

pretty boys (slowed down)

where u started

The Funny Thing 
Song 1

12.3.23

VERSE
i’m so over it 
picking all my pieces up 
but you’re the one that has got a broken heart cause 

PRE
you try to poison me 
then say that you love me 
hit and run your silence speaks
its interesting that

CHORUS
the funny thing
is if you really cared
you woulda called by now

yeah the funny thing
is if you really cared 
you woulda shown me how

but your apologies 
coded in apathy 
they’re running cold by now / skin deep down  

but the funny thing 
is i don’t miss a thing 
now that you’re gone by now 

VERSE
i’m so sick of all 
these vampires in broad daylight 
blaming me
and making me question my mind 

PRE
CHORUS

the funny thing

false alarm (full prod)

Drop of Rain 
1.17.24

draft 4 
1.25.24

VERSE 1
when you slam the door 
I shatter to pieces onto the floor 

When your thunder strikes 
There’s a hurricane raging on inside 

PRE
it’s overwhelming 
it’s a lot 
to feel everything 
more than you than you would want 

CHORUS 
cause a drop of rain
feels like the whole ocean 
crashing waves of emotion 

hits me 
till i break 
a drop of rain 
feels like I’m caught in the ocean waves 

VERSE 2
i play all your right notes
you pretend you don’t notice
but it’s what you don’t say 
that takes my breath away

when you start a fight
let your lightening strike
it’s an electric shock
right into my heart 

PRE
it’s overwhelming 
it’s a lot 
to be so sensitive 
in a world that’s not 

CHORUS 
cause a drop of rain
feels like the whole ocean 
crashing waves of emotion 

hits me 
till i break 
why does a drop of rain 
feel like I’m caught in the ocean waves 

POST

BRIDGE/OUTRO 
it’s overwhelming it’s a lot
but i make it through 
in a world that doesn’t make it easy to do 
but when i hear the thunder rising 
i don’t need to let it rain like it used to

drop of rain (song for feeling everything so much)

Catch 22
Capo something C, G, Am, F
2.3.24
song 5

VERSE
My brain is like a roller coaster, moving fast
It’s always got a way to go off track
It gets away with making me so sad
By always needing more
By thinking all it lacks

PRE
And I don’t want to be an impulsive decision-maker
But I over complicate and over contemplate and waver 

CHORUS
Why can’t I make up my mind 
There’s so many things I don’t decide
But when I do I change my mind again
go back to wondering

Why do things look good for a second 
Then I commit and I regret it
What’s the catch here
When no matter what I do
It’s a catch 22

VERSE
is it self-sabotage 
or from when i quit my job
and i was scared of the cost 

maybe i’m scared to make a mistake
afraid of turning the wrong way
but i don’t wanna be that way 
so i keep asking the same

CHORUS 
why do i make up my mind
To be a place where I don’t decide 
What I want and what I like 
I don’t know who’s underneath 

i’m done holding myself hostage
clearing the web that i got caught in
whats the loss when 
no matter what i do 
it’s all a catch 22

POST
ooo
catch 22

scared to lose
but either way i choose
it’ll still be a catch 22 
gotta pick and choose
which one i lose 
but i know the truth 
it’s a catch 22

catch 22

On the Brink
2.11.24
Song 6
Capo 3 Am, F, C, G

VERSE
make sure you stay in the lines
you gotta suffer till you rise
lies i heard a thousand times

what if i did my own way 
what if i didn’t play the game
i thought i had to play 

CHORUS 
maybe i’m brink 
of doing something radical 
doin the unusual 
maybe i don’t wanna think

maybe i’m on the edge 
of doing something new for me
letting go of 
what used to be 
everything 
making me 
break like this
maybe i’m on the brink 

VERSE
i can’t imagine leaving 
this place i’ve learned to call home
but i can’t imagine staying here 
staying sad doing everything on my own 

so i’ll do it for the girl
that sat on the floor crying 
spending all her nights
trying 
fighting
just to make it work 

CHORUS 2
cause maybe i’m on the brink
of doing something magical
something illogical 
maybe i don’t wanna think

maybe i’m on the edge 
of doing something good for me
letting go of 
what used to be 
everything 
making me 
break like this
maybe i’m on the brink   
maybe i’m on the brink  
maybe it’s a good thing 
that maybe i’m on the brink

on the brink (voice memo)

leaving.
3.17.24
song 9

VERSE
how do you know it’s time 
to pack up and let go?
when you start questioning 
then you already know 

tried tolerating it
but kept running away 
from the one place where i 
should feel safe 

CHORUS
I got 
To do 
What I need
Not what’s easy 

Sometimes
Leaving 
Is the right thing
Not what’s easy 

VERSE
praying for the days
when things would become better
but i only became 
a broken record 

though used to the pain
i still wish i could stay
but no matter what i say 
some people never change 

CHORUS

BRIDGE/OUTRO DRAMATIC BIG LAYERS OF OOOS 
you can love it and still let go 
you can love it and still let go 
you can miss it but still you know
that it’s time for you to go 

you can love it and still let go 
you can love it and still let go 
but your heart will always know
that it’s time for you 
time for you to go 

if your heart never stops breaking
then you know 
then you know 
if you started making the lists
then you know 
then you know
it’s time to go

if you’re fighting for your peace
then you know 
when your silenced in your truth 
then you go 

if you’re trying to be fine
then you know
when it’s time to choose yourself 
then you know 
it’s time to go

leaving.

Wish It Was Me
5.20.24

VERSE
his touch is a god
worshipping 
my body my heart 
heavenly 
he’s a holy love
on a mountain top 

you’re a potion that i’m drinking up
wish the effects they could be enough 
but they’re falling rocks 
the magic wears off 

PRE
now i know my ambivalence
was intuition screaming 
he’ll love you
but you’ll be leaving 

CHORUS
in my hands 
hold your face
i feel my
body ache
feel your breath
and your taste
feel your kiss
your embrace

you’ll eventually give away
to someone who loves all the parts of you 
i wish it was me 

VERSE 2
i can’t do much to reverse the spell
cause in my mind you always dwell
but behind the veil 
it’s a tragic tale

where he confesses he loves her
while she tries to strike the lighter 
he’s burning 
and you’ll be leaving 

CHORUS
in my hands 
hold your face
i feel my
body ache
feel your breath
and your taste
feel your kiss
your embrace

you’ll eventually give away
to someone who loves/worships all of you all the parts of you 
i wish it was me 

BRIDGE
who praised your temple
cause your purity is profound 
but its built on my cliffside 
that’s crumbling down 

CHORUS
but my hands 
hold your face
i feel my
body ache
feel your breath
and your taste
feel your kiss
your embrace

you’ll eventually give away
to someone who loves all the parts of you 
i wish it was me 

OUTRO 
i wish it could be me

i’ll eventually set you free
to someone who’s light strikes right away 
i wish it was me 

but my hands they hold your face
and i feel body ache 

and i feel your breath your taste
feel your kiss and your embrace

wish it was me

Your Girl

House That Only Haunts
4.19.24

VERSE
my life as i know it
will soon be gone
this time next week 
i’ll be on a plane
moving on 

HOOK
shoulda been a good time
but was it?
shoulda been still mine
but it wasn’t 
all my peace i lost 
had to put a stop 
Cigarette buds and bad tempers 
like a tent so cold October 
made it through the dark 
in a house that only haunts

VERSE
when’s enough enough
when you’re only in pain 
had to dig myself out of the grave that i made

the writings on the wall 
i made my peace i said it all
now i’m getting on a plane as far away from here 
as i can to a safer place
where i can be sane 
and not question if it      

HOOK
shoulda been a good time
but was it?
shoulda been still mine
but it wasn’t 
all my peace i lost 
had to put a stop 
Cigarette buds and bad tempers 
like a tent so cold October 
made it through the dark 
in a house that only haunts

OUTRO
i tip toe down the halls
didn’t deserve to feel small
in a place i called my home
how were you shocked when i said i was done
with the games
the veneer 
the disgrace
but there’s no one to blame
you’re free to live your life your way 
while i’m still untangling knots
cleaning out my closet, 
cause it all messed with my head 
how i wish it was mine
and i wish i was fine
at blair drive

House That Only Haunts

hollywood sign

august burns red (demo)

Nellie Mar - Our Love

Punching Bag
9.16.24
E, B, C#m, A

VERSE
I made up my mind 
It’s made of you 
And you made up yours
When the sky is blue 
But when the dark clouds come rolling through
One strike and the match explodes you 

PRE
We’re flying
Till you fly off the handle
Then I’m crying 
Wondering if I can handle
You losing your mind
Now I’m wondering why

CHORUS
I wanna love you with all of me 
Oh but I can’t stay
And play this game
It’s a losing match
When you make me your punching bag

VERSE 2 
I know there’s no sense in reasoning 
When you’re like this 
Champion of the ring 
Don’t make me lose hope or it’s me you’ll be losing 

PRE 2
Cause we’re flying
Till you fly off the handle
Then I’m crying 
Wondering if I can handle
Not knowing which guy 
I’m getting tonight 

CHORUS 
I wanna love you with all of me 
Oh but I can’t be
In a boxing ring 
No ones here’s winning 

Got no armor around
So I just break down
You know I can’t stay
And play this game
No this won’t last
When you make me your punching bag

BRIDGE 
Oh, am I in over my head
When your apologies are dead / don’t end 
You got a list of your regrets
You made me crazy 
By calling me that 

This is my final plea
Gave you water, can’t make you drink 
Cause I know that talk is cheap 
You made me psycho 
By calling me one 

LAST CHORUS
I wanna love you with all of me 
Oh but I can’t be
Playing for keeps
Do you think that you’re winning?

When you put me down
Try to stand my ground 
You know I can’t stay
And tolerate
And, it hurts so bad
But you’re more sad
When you make me your punching bag

punching bag (work tape)

spell on me (work tape)

Music composition by Nellie S (C)
Vocal arrangement by Corey Chorus (C)
Produced by Andrea Carax
Mixing and mastering by Dylan Byrnes

// connect //

Instagram: thisisnellie_s
SoundCloud: https://soundcloud.com/nelliesmusic

Frequency

you're not alone (louis the child version)

Perfect For Me

music is how i make sense of what goes on in my life. this is my diary in song form <3

Nellie Mar

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