Nib Oswald song parodies

They’re gonna print my likeness on your cash
When they bequeath my role as king, I’ll be ruling
Soon I’ll have found my own princess
Once I’ve worn the crown
The royal family

(Yeah, every day is like:)
Royal wreaths, grand dukes, sittin’ on the oak throne
Long reigns, gold crowns, sashes that are silk sewn
Grosvenor Square
We’ve got a battleaxe for our Queen
(We rule the Commonwealth!)
Mattress stack gets piled up on a green pea
Horse reins, Ireland, Harry smoking hashish
Rightful heir
My poor father’s losing all his hair

We’re the sovereign royals (Royals!)
Polo on a prized stud
A formal tux to eat my lunch
You slave away to make a crust
I shall be your ruler (Ooh-err!)
You can call me King Gee
This baby will rule
(O’er you and you and you!)
For the Windsor dynasty

Our London tower is stacked with gold
We hunt for foxes in the rain with our Corgis
I’ve got a sceptre, orb and ro-o-o-o-obes
My bloodline is rich
Your peasant life is crummy
 
(My every butler brings:)
Roast beef, roast goose, drippings and roast mushrooms
Champagne, boars, trout, pheasants with my gilt spoon
Millionaire
I dive in caviar for a swim
(We’ve got the governance!)
Bristol, Cambridge, highness on your 5 pence
Sirs, Dames, Knights, Lords, titles of a fresh prince
We all sneer
You weren’t brought up in a house of peers

We’re the sovereign royals (Royals!)
Pippa’s got a great butt
Our coat of arms really kick arse
With lions, unicorns and such
From the line of Tudors (Nudists!)
Flashing bods obscenely
We’ll show our Crown Jewels
(Crown Jewels, Crown Jewels, Crown Jewels!)
We love royal scandal, see

Stone of Scone
Oakwood throne
Rose!
We wipe with mink in our latrine
My pram is more a limousine
Noble folks
Opal clothes
Bows!
Kate Moss will be my new au pair
When you’re brought up on this high a chair

We’re forever your royals (Royals!)
Pardon me, like Thomas Blood
But it’s deluxe being your boss
My coronet with shiny cross
Life is such luxuriance (Lucre!)
In Westminster Abby
This baby will rule
(O’er you and you and you!)
In the royal monarchy

Royals - Lorde parody

Thirsting, flirt with the fellas (fellas)
 Stop kissing! Couples make me jealous (make me jealous)
‘cause I lack any male interest
Every guy in town, turns out gay or has a new missus, right (Sigh)
You don’t want no chapped lips like this? (Huh?)
Sloppy clothes up in the club, plus wide hips (Ha!) 
Got no dates, got no boo, got no kiss
I’m still humping pillows like a spinster cuz of this (Now I’m pissed!) 
Take me on a dinner date, where the place at? (Hello?)
Tube top, yet I’m single as an 8-track (What?)
Still I’m look-ing, where the babes at?
Damp stains spilling from my waist gap
I'm so antsy - in my bed alone
Hot silky panties… but where is my Romeo?
I’m so antsy - got no mate to hold
My embers aflame, on my owwwwwn

I thought maybe I’m Clueless, my efforts seem fruitless
Can’t find no daters, they shun me like lupus
Them hos get bombarded, but me: disregarded
Begging for Cupid to come stop by my apartment
To get a honey of mine, I’m stuck as one of a kind
A lack of men up here puts more sour wine grapes on my vine
Nobody wanting to dine, I’m far too clumsy each time 
I get a “Sorry” from blind dates when they are *actually* blind 
I guess I’m too fat, too fat… nah, screw that, screw that
I’ll bring a photo album showing off my new cat, new cat
I’m a B-I-D-D-Y, not some dame or ho 
Still a virgin, get up in here and help change that, bro!
I'm so antsy - time for quid-pro-quo
I’m really randy, ride me like a rodeo
I'm so antsy - all the way below
Each Valentine’s Day, I’m alooooone

Such a slow spell; have no fun getting intimate
It’s my own fault; spend all day on the internet
Men keep on spurning my love
Every year single, I won’t give it up
Fill… up… all of my box
Plastic extension toys up in my crotch 
Wow!

Screw partners, who still want that?
Got my Rabbit Pearl pleasure when I buzz that
Toes curl - no beard, no nutsack 
Never deal with sweat drops dripping from his buttcrack
Don’t have to be a wifey, nuh
When you could try positions with a vibrator 
Never yearn for husbands
Play with dildos, four fingers and I’m done, like

I’m so antsy - what a libido
I’m getting handsy, ‘cause no man will poke me, no
I’m so antsy - with my pink taco
Cucumber, no shame, here I gooooo…

Ooh there, ooh there! (My peachy pie!)
That’s soothing, soothing! (G-I-D-D-Y!)
Ooh there, ooh there! (Wh-wh-why need a guy?)
Oh-oh-ohhhhh

Ooh there, ooh there! (My peachy pie!)
That’s soothing, soothing! (G-I-D-D-Y!)
Ooh there, ooh there! (Wh-wh-why need a guy?)
About to blowwwww

I'm So Antsy - Iggy Azalea Parody

In the battle between kilojoules and killer abs, everybody loses.
VIDEO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mrhk5gZw6mo

Fat Butt

Fat Butt - Taylor Swift + Kendrick Lamar parody

CAPPUCCINO
to the tune of ‘Despacito’ 
by Justin Bieber, Luis Fonzi & Daddy Yankee
-
I’m a lover of percolation
Can’t get enough of your caffeination (Yeah)
The saving grace of every third world nation (Yeah)
Ohhh, Moccona

From flat white to a dark caffé
Roast those beans and just grind away
Gotta love that flavour, add the foam in foamy 
(Foamy)
You fill my paper cup up when you pour it long
Sip this cappuccino or I’ll burn my tongue
The way they filter it so clear
Will flush the turds out of my rear
Try a macchiato, it’ll taste strong

[VERSE 1]
Brew
Farmers pick the berries from their coffee farms
Add soy milk and hold the warmness in your palms
Swallow the sweet nectar to increase your pulse, oh
(Soya? Yum!)
Office workers chugging at their coffee bars
Yuppies on their laptops with a demitasse
Housewives reconsidering their life insurance

[HOOK]
Cappuccino
Gotta have my daily dose of that caffeine, oh
Aint enough to microwave some Ovaltine, no
It’s our legal beverage methamphetamine, yo
Frappuccino
You can keep your vodka and your pinot grigio
I prefer hot coffee to a chilled glass of vino
It’s a diuretic that will help your pee flow

(Dulce dulce dulce!
Dulce dulce! Oh!)

[CHORUS]
How I love the fragrant smell
And wanky Starbucks lingo
Latte, espresso or mocha
Yes, I just worship this bean so
(Java me, oh, java me, oh baby!)
Serve it in a cup or mug
A Cuban cortadito
Freshly brewed, smoking with cream, so
Milky and steamy and sweet, oh

[VERSE 2]
Add lemon to Espresso Romano
Or top it with a marshmallow
Each sip will set your heart aglow
And freshens up your frontal lobe
Starbucks on each corner block
I visited for lunch, once
Now I go there hourly
Since I first took the plunge plunge
Arabica with chocolate flavour fusion in my latte
Freddo, Freddo, Freddo
Icy frozen coffee on a hot day
Some will take it whiter than Albino goats in Norway
Others like it black as crows in Zimbabwe

[BRIDGE 1]
I’m keen for this bean, oh
Java lover freakshow
Vittoria fanboy
Move over, Pacino
Pronto with espressos
Promptly they destress us
Moka pots the size of wine nebuchadnezzars
Pasito is weak, yo
Pour it on the street, ho
Fresh Americano
No Gloria Jeans, no
Fetch a hungry civet
Lots of seeds you give it
Drink the Kopi Luwak
It’s what’s delivered
(Oh, yeah)

[HOOK 2]
Cappuccino
Gotta have my daily dose of that caffeine, oh
Aint enough to microwave some Ovaltine, no
It’s our legal beverage methamphetamine, yo
Frappuccino
You can keep your vodka and your pinot grigio
I prefer hot coffee to a chilled glass of vino
It’s a diuretic that will help your pee flow

(Dulce dulce dulce!
Dulce dulce! Oh!)

[CHORUS 2]
How I love the fragrant smell
And wanky Starbucks lingo
Latte, espresso or mocha
Yes, I just worship this bean so
(Java me, oh, java me, oh baby!)
Serve it in a cup or mug
A Cuban cortadito
Freshly brewed, smoking with cream, so
Milky and steamy and sweet, oh

[A CAPPELLA]
Cappuccino
My barista’s coffee grounds are magnifico
I just want to hear that steaming hot machine, oh
Every time he spells my name out, it’s a typo!
(¡Galão!)

[BRIDGE 2]
A kilo of beans go
Into the machine, oh
Early morning brood
Is soon brewed away clean, yo
Latte, espresso or mocha
Coffee is liquid libido
(Java me, oh, java me, oh baby!)

[OUTRO]
A creamy placebo
Saviour of us weak folk
Daylight hours are wondrous
But gee, I can’t sleep though
(Just another cup or three, yo
I’ll be awake for a week, oh)
Cappuccino
---
Performed by Nick Foran, Kyle Nozza and Nib Oswald
Keyboard and drum track by Ray Sayah
Written and produced by Nib Oswald

Comical Castration

Cappuccino - Justin Bieber Despacito parody

Cappuccino - Justin Bieber Despacito Parody

Written + edited by Nib Oswald
Music by Joshy Said
Vocals by Nib Oswald, Michael O'Sullivan and Charmeuse
*
BERNIE
It’s hard to win voters with indifference 
Sitting on the fence, they all show a lack of interest 
They’re scribbling a dick on their ballot? 
You’re gerrymandered with no wealth
Your vote is valid

NON-VOTER
I always love to critique 
When they speak in a debate 
But I’m not keen to cast my vote 
or go to participate
Long live our America
Stars and the stripes
But then Miss Ocasio-Cortez 
Made Left seem so Right
She said:

AOC
I know you love your marijuana 
But for once, can you bother to just vote 
Soon our poll booths will be closed 
And you never seem to go

NON-VOTER
She said:

AOC
Our country’s stuck in a slump 
Greedily, secretly, illegally 
Cutting trees for oil they pump 
Won’t you join the team to fight Trump

NON-VOTER
So I offered her at most 
To publish a Facebook post 
She said:

AOC
That’s benign, jerk.

NON-VOTER
I said:
The vote is always on a working day 
The booth is far away
She said:

AOC
Get in line, twerp!

NON-VOTER
Then I said
“And what about your drones?” 
I saw sweat 
Deflecting this, she said 
She’ll reject student debt

AOC
Free?

NON-VOTER
Gee...

AOC
See!

NON-VOTER
So I thought I might partake

Gosh, am I casting my vote for this? 
I don’t know if I’ve got hope for this 
But this nominee is zealous 
And the party line is selfless

AOC
Vote!

NON-VOTER
Gosh, I still doubt if I’ll 
vote for this
Mine doesn’t count, I won’t 
vote for this

ENSEMBLE
(Please vote for us! 
Please vote for us!)

NON-VOTER
Should I mail it in the post?

ENSEMBLE
(Vote! Vote! Vote!)

NON-VOTER
At the booth, I’m in line 
and they all say

ENSEMBLE
Vote! (Vote!) Please vote for us! 
[x4]

NON-VOTER
I wish I could say it was a fast line
I waited past nine - can’t we do this online?
I stood waiting when a member of the upper senate 
Had some things to settle as the local member 
He said:

REPUBLICAN
Dear Sir, has this election blinded your good self
With their preposterous absurd petitions to spread wealth? 
They claim that we’re all equal and free
But they all suck, agree? 
I have no choice now but to call you a...

NON-VOTER
Cuck?

REPUBLICAN
Uh-oh!
Best shave your hair, chuck on some sparkle
Go hug a tree and type a blog that’s not patriarchal 
And hey, you can keep fighting for work strikes
With each whine and gripe, they’ll tax you even more hikes!

NON-VOTER
I was upset and so ashamed 
I abstain! All your fake news is to blame!
She said:

AOC
Oh, sure...

NON-VOTER
Finessed my apathetic mind 
Leftist with your rhetoric lines

AOC
You non-voter!

NON-VOTER
You were gonna leave me indebted!

AOC
Have you heard of our latest gender?

NON-VOTER
I should have listened to Reddit!

AOC
Help fight the cis-het agenda!

NON-VOTER
Disillusioned!

AOC
We’re progressive and rebellious

NON-VOTER
This is hellish!
How can you choose this?

AOC
Just tick inside the box 
and you can have weed

NON-VOTER
I don’t want to
I don’t want to 
I won’t...

AOC
Whatever you want
Have your say 
U-S-A!

NON-VOTER
Gosh, how does anyone vote for this?

ENSEMBLE
Vote for us!

AOC
Mine!

NON-VOTER
Mine doesn’t count, I can’t vote for this

ENSEMBLE
Vote for us!

NON-VOTER
All you do is whine and yell scared

AOC
Healthcare!

NON-VOTER
Your whole party’s screaming “Welfare!”

AOC
Vo-o-o-o-ote!

NON-VOTER
Gosh, how does anyone vote for this?

ENSEMBLE
Vote for us!

AOC
Now!

NON-VOTER
Now do I make my ink stroke for this?

ENSEMBLE
For us!

NON-VOTER
As I weigh each con and pro 

ENSEMBLE
Pro! Pro! Pro!

NON-VOTER
There’s no party aligned
So I just don’t-

ENSEMBLE
Vote! (Vote!) Please vote for us! 
x4

AOC
Left... Left... Left! LEFT!

NON-VOTER
Can’t vote for this
I won’t promote these twits 
To pick one who swears an oath

ENSEMBLE
(Oath! Oath! Oath!)

REPUBLICAN
Vote?

NON-VOTER
No thanks, I hate you both.