(For Funk Volume "Don't Fu[n]k Up Our Beats" Contest #5.)

Nib Oswald
Dorsal fin, jaws, I’ll have your ribs guzzled
 Roswell conspiracy, lyrics of clear heresy
Rarely seen from my clerisy, spitting lit kerosene
All the Drake clones, I call ‘em fake
Snarling two-faced like some Gollum rage
You perform on stage, one dude hardly wakes 
I take over, the place goes apeshit like Harlem Shake

Doing this as a hobbyist, soon to be big - an optimist
I’ve probably missed my last opportunity out of joblessness
Optimus Prime, dropping rhyme like I’m on top of this
An obelisk that’s cropping out from atop the Acropolis
I cop a squat on the metropolis’ populus
Your snobbishness will cost an uppercut to your proboscises
Just preposterous, a subtropical ocker hip hop monopoliser
Geyser hotspot like Galapogas

It’s obvious, you should notch me up on your shopping list
So I can afford a proper sound board and recording publicist
For now I’ll copy hits to be stored on floppy disks
And cop the fifth when charged by cops for causing the apocalypse
I bring it sweet like chocolate chips, lolly sprinkles
Deck the halls with holy trinkets, holly ringlets
Swapped your Molly Ringwald ‘Teaching Ms Tingle’ 
With my polylingual single in your trolley for Kris Kringle

Harlequin folly, Robert Van Winkle
Call me Pringles, you can’t stop popping my jolly jingles
Now watch my ink spill, splattering spatters
Like Rorschach’s mattress satin sheet batting-off patterns
Sock your jaw back, leave you awestruck *POW!* Aw, fuck
Finna knock the niggardly attitude out some poor schmuck
Insulting your crew, assaulting a dude
Pouring molten boron, taurine and bath salts in the wound

Sadomasochist of Colorado massacres
Classicist aficionado, blacklisted radical shadow activist
Performing jail rock concerts in your cell block
Hardened thugs melt into gelatin from the shell shock
Unbearably ballsy, terribly lulzy
Causing irreparable damage like cerebral palsy
Class clown bagging out braggart fag prefects
Tag defects with neck rags, gag reflex

This lyr-ic-ist will script glyphs in the lab-or-at-or-y
A rabid horror story, gift of the gab oratory
Grab an abdomen swiftly, lifted and stabbed, thorax gory
Shivved and tagged as a drifter, stiff on the slab - mortuary
Caution, this will cause disproportionate nauseousness 
A torturous disgorgement from listening to morbid choruses
Debaucherous boorish laureate, tongue contortionist
Torching sorceresses from porches of scorched fortresses

You can’t take any more of this pure remorselessness
Awesome disses worry your princess like Lucy Lawless does
Dorian Gray portrait adorns my apartment quarters
I sordidly keep consorting with all of your budding daughters
N-I-B, the end of your pen I be
Representing S-Y-D to N-Y-C
Under 25? I’m gonna have to scan ID
And pass me an IV, cuz it burns when I pee




Nib Oswald Beat Funker

Nib Oswald