As if being 17 didn't suck enough, you still can't get vaccinated...
---
Vocals by Jessica Kok and Jacen Bennett.
Audio production by Cameron McCredie.
Written and edited by Nib Oswald.
---
Hi there, Gladys. 
We are sad, as 
more infection numbers rise
Lockdown measures, new restrictions
Stockpiled toiletry supplies
This “new normal” 
needs improving 
We’re all yearning to be free
We bake sourdough, 
can’t go out though
Where’s our herd immunity?

Locked down in quarantine
Here in my living room
Mask tucked beneath my chin 
And love life stuck in Zoom

Uber service
(It’s essential)
Once the restaurants all close
Catch the Metro
(Wear a face mask)
Why’s it underneath your nose?
QR scanning
(Bedroom yoga)
Business meetings over Skype
Staying inside (Wash your hands and)
Don’t forget to sanitise
(Wet wipes!)

Can’t we get our vaccine
Why are we last in queue?
Quickly inject it in
I want to be immune!

Hydroxychloroquine!
Hit me with UV light!
Soon I’ll transmit 5G
I wanna feel the boost
(Yeah, from your needle juice)
We gotta beat the queues
All riiiiight!

Got no plan, it’s 
(So mismanaged)
Since that Ruby Princess cruise
Give me Pfizer
(Or Moderna)
Slap a bandaid on the bruise

(Screw you, Covid-19!) 
Sick of this spicy flu
(Strengthen my lymphocytes) 
Safe from the I.C.U.

(Let me jump the queues)
Let me jump the queues!

No Vaccine (parody of Seventeen by Heathers: The Musical)

Original Round The Twist theme song written by Andrew Duffield
and performed by Tamsin West
https://youtu.be/5-Cmf8wkrw4

A capella solo cover by Annie McD 
https://soundcloud.com/annie-mcd/round-the-twist

A capella group cover by Vocally Owned
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5ySRkknkYs

Metal cover by Kenneth Hynes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfdnNaCVchA

Guitar cover by Martin Emes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WEv_OnKFlc

Round The Twist (Trash Magnet Remix)

Thirsting, flirt with the fellas (fellas)
 Stop kissing! Couples make me jealous (make me jealous)
‘cause I lack any male interest
Every guy in town, turns out gay or has a new missus, right (Sigh)
You don’t want no chapped lips like this? (Huh?)
Sloppy clothes up in the club, plus wide hips (Ha!) 
Got no dates, got no boo, got no kiss
I’m still humping pillows like a spinster cuz of this (Now I’m pissed!) 
Take me on a dinner date, where the place at? (Hello?)
Tube top, yet I’m single as an 8-track (What?)
Still I’m look-ing, where the babes at?
Damp stains spilling from my waist gap
I'm so antsy - in my bed alone
Hot silky panties… but where is my Romeo?
I’m so antsy - got no mate to hold
My embers aflame, on my owwwwwn

I thought maybe I’m Clueless, my efforts seem fruitless
Can’t find no daters, they shun me like lupus
Them hos get bombarded, but me: disregarded
Begging for Cupid to come stop by my apartment
To get a honey of mine, I’m stuck as one of a kind
A lack of men up here puts more sour wine grapes on my vine
Nobody wanting to dine, I’m far too clumsy each time 
I get a “Sorry” from blind dates when they are *actually* blind 
I guess I’m too fat, too fat… nah, screw that, screw that
I’ll bring a photo album showing off my new cat, new cat
I’m a B-I-D-D-Y, not some dame or ho 
Still a virgin, get up in here and help change that, bro!
I'm so antsy - time for quid-pro-quo
I’m really randy, ride me like a rodeo
I'm so antsy - all the way below
Each Valentine’s Day, I’m alooooone

Such a slow spell; have no fun getting intimate
It’s my own fault; spend all day on the internet
Men keep on spurning my love
Every year single, I won’t give it up
Fill… up… all of my box
Plastic extension toys up in my crotch 
Wow!

Screw partners, who still want that?
Got my Rabbit Pearl pleasure when I buzz that
Toes curl - no beard, no nutsack 
Never deal with sweat drops dripping from his buttcrack
Don’t have to be a wifey, nuh
When you could try positions with a vibrator 
Never yearn for husbands
Play with dildos, four fingers and I’m done, like

I’m so antsy - what a libido
I’m getting handsy, ‘cause no man will poke me, no
I’m so antsy - with my pink taco
Cucumber, no shame, here I gooooo…

Ooh there, ooh there! (My peachy pie!)
That’s soothing, soothing! (G-I-D-D-Y!)
Ooh there, ooh there! (Wh-wh-why need a guy?)
Oh-oh-ohhhhh

Ooh there, ooh there! (My peachy pie!)
That’s soothing, soothing! (G-I-D-D-Y!)
Ooh there, ooh there! (Wh-wh-why need a guy?)
About to blowwwww

I'm So Antsy - Iggy Azalea Parody

Let's kick it off now like a soccer pitch
The cocky prick is back to sock ya quicker than Rocky VI boxing with Djokovic
Show me the lock to pick
I stuck a hockey stick up in your puckered sphincter to pluck it out as a Pocky stick
Holocaustic, hollow, caustic
Crawling through the fallout of atomic horror, squalor toxic
Logic puzzles scrawled upon the wall in all acrostics
The doctor’s diagnostic: I’ll die agnostic

A wisecrack addict, in your shack attic 
Practicing black magic on Sabbath with jackrabbits
 Hacking up lapsed Catholic abbots in wrapped plastic
Bury the hatchet out my back paddock with my axe habit 
I clear my throat with a latent tremor 
Of blatant, endless, hateful flagrancy from January's nascence to late December
Defend the straight agenda 
Rendering your genitalia member as the female pudenda of Caitlyn Jenner

Wealth deficient, but my shelf of vicious rhymes is self-sufficient
I spit this sicker than a malnutrition health clinician
With a welt affliction condition from sexual transmission
Felched a bitch in the L position, a failed mortician
I tell it like it is and yell derision
Felon scissoring apart his fellow prisoner with a Sprengel's Incision
The elders listen and whisper more than a stealthy mission
Repel-resistant, in Tel Aviv with cartel militia
Let’s break it down like cell division
Your talent is so static that you need an electrician for your television
You hog the limelight worse than selfish children
I’m a sumo versus the women's special welterweight belt division

I run this like a treadmill
Dread filling your chest, I'm dreadful
My quill held like a lead drill 
Horse head bled on your twill thread quilt 
Red spilt on your pillows 
And gilded-edge silk bedspread frill
I'm the illest guerilla villain 
Skilfully shredding federal laws 'til I grill ‘em
Skilleted, fed swill with a handful of Advil and a red pill
Pupils quadruple purple? 
Oops, I scooped up the blue pill

Stupefying my scruples into futile goop 
Like alphabet noodle soup
Still, I've accrued oodles of brutally crude
Humorous, lewd, ludicrous, rude 
Tumour pus and poop-filled sewer grill goofs
Stupid, aloof, usually, truthfully 
Youthful tomfoolery of numerous groupies 
Who hit puberty trip, woozy from slipped roofies 
Chicks puking, tipsy floozies, nips ‘n’ boobies  
Who flew over the cuckoo’s coop – Nib: The Movie

Holocaustic Freestyle

In the battle between kilojoules and killer abs, everybody loses.
VIDEO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mrhk5gZw6mo

Fat Butt

Fat Butt - Taylor Swift + Kendrick Lamar parody

I’m here to knock this smug bastard off your ARIA chart
He’s a sorry old fart to my impresario art
I’m 360’s Red Ring of Death… sorry, forgot
You play 64 and fucking crashed your Mario Kart
(“Mama Mia!”)

Yeah, I’ll drop a cunt just like your award stunt, less the censor
And snap the neck of your bestie friend… Pez dispenser
Leave Josh Pyke spiked up on a sharp pike
Oh, wait, that pole is you? You’re more skinny than Posh Spice!

That crushed ice Slushee diet you should stop quick
Did a mop stick fuck a chopstick and birth this dropkick?
I hear he’s myopic in his eye optic
Typhlotic, blind, quite ophthalmoscopically cycloptic!

Got a transplant ‘cause your cornea stuck?
That sucks. And just your luck, you’re still corny as fuck
A wet towel, your life vision must be one big let down
If “What You See Is What You Get Nowww”

I ‘see’ nothing ‘left’ for you, ‘right’? He storms out
Gee, calm down. Wouldn’t think you’d flip out hearing the see-bomb, pal
Any alley, any house party, any show
I’ll take your rap cred and wrap your ass in the ransom note
I’m an Atlantic iceberg, you’re the Titanic boat
 ‘A door’ me? You ‘Jack off’, I ‘Rose’ above ya, you’ll never float

Panties twist frantically into panic mode
How you gonna battle back without your nanny Anecdote?
How many quotes has that tranny wrote for ya
Filling your fanny, nose and throat spilling his gigantic load? 

Battling with Anecdote in ventures of hip hop
Was like watching the Toxic Avenger carry his mop  
Your battlerap career may have proved to be mission fail
But what’s this I hear about you marrying Christian Bale?

Who? Crystal Bale? Pardon my next whispered breath…
(This’ll be awkward, I thought you said he loves Crystal Meth!)
You getting hitched? This chick is the fricking bitch you’ll marry?
I’ll read about it in the paper… obituary

You want ‘commitment’ from this pure bride you espied?
Hurry, or she’ll soon decide she’s ‘committing’…
That’s right, I Do-or-die. Christ, that YouTube vid was endless
Her MySpace Top 8 all offing themselves, leaving her friendless

I’d have those thoughts too, coping half-blind
As some dope who got signed to sell out… “I Hope You Don’t Mind”

Shit, gotta tear up my page of jokes in a rage, man
In the time it took to write this, she broke off the engagement?!

… about time you released a single I could enjoy for once.

I can’t draw ink on my skin and leave this cunt floored
Already spoofed that scrawny white dude from Die Antwoord
Slap a fag in this rapper tag, I’m ocker hustling
Duck Duck Goose rhymes? Nahhh, fuck a Gossling

Going down like pillow insulation, you’re a featherweight
Get a plate, I’m serving you to demonstrate you never ate
Emaciated as the shadow of a zephyr, mate 
Your last CD was gay as fuck, I’m here to set the record straight

I’m no hater, congratulate ya for your recent win
But skaters know 360’s one-third of a decent spin
I score gold, silver and bronze… you are “Forthright”
Who brought Ness to a fucking Ganondorf fight?

And Bec Cartwright called on behalf of Lleyton Hewitt
Sing chorus on your latest duet? He’d hate to do it
Man, I can’t tell what’s worse, a tennis star to verse ya
Or serving your balls to his instructor, Kerser

Nib’ll rap spittin’ cryptic word play
This dipstick will scribble shit on his skin like a kid in third grade 
I’ll fill an urn the way I fucking grill and burn ya
3ree 6ixty? I kill Letters & Numbers, just ask Lily Serna

Get a calendar as one of your tattoos, mate
You say to everybody ‘C U Next Tuesday’
Come at me bro, don’t chicken out. Is Mickey Mouse
Tattooed on your neck meant to cover your grandad’s hickey out?

You lack shine… MATTE. Back in your place-MAT. 
I wipe the shit from my shoe all over your face… MAT.
You bring the lip gloss, Styalz Fuego will bring the whips
And you can make more faggy sparkles with your fingertips

Who’d go see shitty promo shows in your purple shirt?
360’s homo-code for a giant circle, jerk!
That quirky smirk only works for a dull bogan
Who talks like Paul Hogan and looks like a tall blowgun

Chalking a wall slogan, Nib sits back and enjoys the view
My rap destroys your crew in a way you’re employed to do
You need your voice reviewed, those vocals are all noise, it’s true
You always rap cocky because only “Boys Like You”

Wearing a bowtie and a charcoal suit? Clown,
You make me want to shoot rounds into Newtown
Aviators, tipped cap and Sunday slippers?
Stole your zipped shirt and ripped shorts from Bondi Hipsters

Looking like a heroin addict who slipped up 
On his flip flops, fell in a gluepot, managed to lift up
Then tripped again past every mannequin in the thrift shop
And tried to pass the look off as some larrikin hip hop

Quit fashion crimes, tackle raw rhyme production
Blimey, did someone give Macklemore liposuction?
Try a small snack, Matt, maybe a Short Stack? 
He’d rather snort crack and record tracks begging for his whore back

Low blow, we both know your ex-wife will die
Guess that’s the circle of life, 360… Life of Pi?
Now which knife should I, use to cut a filling slice
I’ll swill it down with a chaser of diet Vanilla Ice


360 Diss - Falling And Dying

Psy meets Baauer in a horrific clash of Gangnam Style meets Harlem Shake YouTube meme virulity.

Harlem Shake Gangnam Style

Kim Jong-un shows us all why North Korea is still best Korea.

(Holla, Kim Jung-Un!)
D.P.R.K. is on it, son
(All for Kim Jung-Un!) 
What’s crackin’, Dennis Rod-uh-mon?
(Baller, Kim Jung-Un!)
Army, starry flag and war today
(Follow Kim Jung-Un!)
Prestrike, we like Third Reich party, yay

Bitch, we are North Korea!
The common people in their hundreds all clamour and cheer
 Jung-un is the best, the state will state loud and nuclear
No-one on the planet can be half as grandiose as we are 
HERO OR TANK? Nice critique, dyslexia!

*execution-style gunshot montage*

Slime ball, crime lord, tyrant
Spiteful, vile and violent
I-I-I-I I’m a rather Govern-Mental man
China? 
North Ireland?
Fire a nuke cuz we resent Japan
Prime it 
Align it
Try an intercontinental span

(Holla, Kim Jung-Un!)
Yeah, we are gonna launch a bomb
(Squalor in our slums!)
Our Supreme Leader’s number one
(Starving on bare crumbs!)
Hungry tummies, empty bellies ache 
(Dollars, Won and funds)
All the money militaries take 

Bitch, we are North Korea!
Law enforcement, walls and borders, hunger, di-a-rrhoea 
We sleep on steel and wood, rooms are bare
None freer 
March in Pyongyang
Or South Hwanghae (ha!) if you’re lucky
No fear
Vogue mag photoshop my new career?
 
Slime ball, crime lord, tyrant
Spiteful, vile and violent 
I’m slavedriver of my 
Northern Oriental clan
Spying? 
Defying? 
Liar! Dragged off in a rental van
Rivals 
With rifles
My stock-piles compliment Iran

With each tank and jet!
I’m a nuclear threat!
When my father died… we cried!
Though our land’s in debt
You’ll be shaking yet
We’re the DMZ’s… best side!
(Best side! Best side! 
Best side! Side side side!)

I-I-I-I I’m a rather Govern-Mental man

Fire
Refire
Fighters, execute my vengeful plan!
Fire
Refire
Light up, give those US men a tan!

Not a Presidential fan
I’m a rather Govern-Mental man

Psy Gentleman parody "Govern-Mental Man"

CAPPUCCINO
to the tune of ‘Despacito’ 
by Justin Bieber, Luis Fonzi & Daddy Yankee
-
I’m a lover of percolation
Can’t get enough of your caffeination (Yeah)
The saving grace of every third world nation (Yeah)
Ohhh, Moccona

From flat white to a dark caffé
Roast those beans and just grind away
Gotta love that flavour, add the foam in foamy 
(Foamy)
You fill my paper cup up when you pour it long
Sip this cappuccino or I’ll burn my tongue
The way they filter it so clear
Will flush the turds out of my rear
Try a macchiato, it’ll taste strong

[VERSE 1]
Brew
Farmers pick the berries from their coffee farms
Add soy milk and hold the warmness in your palms
Swallow the sweet nectar to increase your pulse, oh
(Soya? Yum!)
Office workers chugging at their coffee bars
Yuppies on their laptops with a demitasse
Housewives reconsidering their life insurance

[HOOK]
Cappuccino
Gotta have my daily dose of that caffeine, oh
Aint enough to microwave some Ovaltine, no
It’s our legal beverage methamphetamine, yo
Frappuccino
You can keep your vodka and your pinot grigio
I prefer hot coffee to a chilled glass of vino
It’s a diuretic that will help your pee flow

(Dulce dulce dulce!
Dulce dulce! Oh!)

[CHORUS]
How I love the fragrant smell
And wanky Starbucks lingo
Latte, espresso or mocha
Yes, I just worship this bean so
(Java me, oh, java me, oh baby!)
Serve it in a cup or mug
A Cuban cortadito
Freshly brewed, smoking with cream, so
Milky and steamy and sweet, oh

[VERSE 2]
Add lemon to Espresso Romano
Or top it with a marshmallow
Each sip will set your heart aglow
And freshens up your frontal lobe
Starbucks on each corner block
I visited for lunch, once
Now I go there hourly
Since I first took the plunge plunge
Arabica with chocolate flavour fusion in my latte
Freddo, Freddo, Freddo
Icy frozen coffee on a hot day
Some will take it whiter than Albino goats in Norway
Others like it black as crows in Zimbabwe

[BRIDGE 1]
I’m keen for this bean, oh
Java lover freakshow
Vittoria fanboy
Move over, Pacino
Pronto with espressos
Promptly they destress us
Moka pots the size of wine nebuchadnezzars
Pasito is weak, yo
Pour it on the street, ho
Fresh Americano
No Gloria Jeans, no
Fetch a hungry civet
Lots of seeds you give it
Drink the Kopi Luwak
It’s what’s delivered
(Oh, yeah)

[HOOK 2]
Cappuccino
Gotta have my daily dose of that caffeine, oh
Aint enough to microwave some Ovaltine, no
It’s our legal beverage methamphetamine, yo
Frappuccino
You can keep your vodka and your pinot grigio
I prefer hot coffee to a chilled glass of vino
It’s a diuretic that will help your pee flow

(Dulce dulce dulce!
Dulce dulce! Oh!)

[CHORUS 2]
How I love the fragrant smell
And wanky Starbucks lingo
Latte, espresso or mocha
Yes, I just worship this bean so
(Java me, oh, java me, oh baby!)
Serve it in a cup or mug
A Cuban cortadito
Freshly brewed, smoking with cream, so
Milky and steamy and sweet, oh

[A CAPPELLA]
Cappuccino
My barista’s coffee grounds are magnifico
I just want to hear that steaming hot machine, oh
Every time he spells my name out, it’s a typo!
(¡Galão!)

[BRIDGE 2]
A kilo of beans go
Into the machine, oh
Early morning brood
Is soon brewed away clean, yo
Latte, espresso or mocha
Coffee is liquid libido
(Java me, oh, java me, oh baby!)

[OUTRO]
A creamy placebo
Saviour of us weak folk
Daylight hours are wondrous
But gee, I can’t sleep though
(Just another cup or three, yo
I’ll be awake for a week, oh)
Cappuccino
---
Performed by Nick Foran, Kyle Nozza and Nib Oswald
Keyboard and drum track by Ray Sayah
Written and produced by Nib Oswald

Comical Castration

Cappuccino - Justin Bieber Despacito parody

Cappuccino - Justin Bieber Despacito Parody

Written + edited by Nib Oswald
Music by Joshy Said
Vocals by Nib Oswald, Michael O'Sullivan and Charmeuse
*
BERNIE
It’s hard to win voters with indifference 
Sitting on the fence, they all show a lack of interest 
They’re scribbling a dick on their ballot? 
You’re gerrymandered with no wealth
Your vote is valid

NON-VOTER
I always love to critique 
When they speak in a debate 
But I’m not keen to cast my vote 
or go to participate
Long live our America
Stars and the stripes
But then Miss Ocasio-Cortez 
Made Left seem so Right
She said:

AOC
I know you love your marijuana 
But for once, can you bother to just vote 
Soon our poll booths will be closed 
And you never seem to go

NON-VOTER
She said:

AOC
Our country’s stuck in a slump 
Greedily, secretly, illegally 
Cutting trees for oil they pump 
Won’t you join the team to fight Trump

NON-VOTER
So I offered her at most 
To publish a Facebook post 
She said:

AOC
That’s benign, jerk.

NON-VOTER
I said:
The vote is always on a working day 
The booth is far away
She said:

AOC
Get in line, twerp!

NON-VOTER
Then I said
“And what about your drones?” 
I saw sweat 
Deflecting this, she said 
She’ll reject student debt

AOC
Free?

NON-VOTER
Gee...

AOC
See!

NON-VOTER
So I thought I might partake

Gosh, am I casting my vote for this? 
I don’t know if I’ve got hope for this 
But this nominee is zealous 
And the party line is selfless

AOC
Vote!

NON-VOTER
Gosh, I still doubt if I’ll 
vote for this
Mine doesn’t count, I won’t 
vote for this

ENSEMBLE
(Please vote for us! 
Please vote for us!)

NON-VOTER
Should I mail it in the post?

ENSEMBLE
(Vote! Vote! Vote!)

NON-VOTER
At the booth, I’m in line 
and they all say

ENSEMBLE
Vote! (Vote!) Please vote for us! 
[x4]

NON-VOTER
I wish I could say it was a fast line
I waited past nine - can’t we do this online?
I stood waiting when a member of the upper senate 
Had some things to settle as the local member 
He said:

REPUBLICAN
Dear Sir, has this election blinded your good self
With their preposterous absurd petitions to spread wealth? 
They claim that we’re all equal and free
But they all suck, agree? 
I have no choice now but to call you a...

NON-VOTER
Cuck?

REPUBLICAN
Uh-oh!
Best shave your hair, chuck on some sparkle
Go hug a tree and type a blog that’s not patriarchal 
And hey, you can keep fighting for work strikes
With each whine and gripe, they’ll tax you even more hikes!

NON-VOTER
I was upset and so ashamed 
I abstain! All your fake news is to blame!
She said:

AOC
Oh, sure...

NON-VOTER
Finessed my apathetic mind 
Leftist with your rhetoric lines

AOC
You non-voter!

NON-VOTER
You were gonna leave me indebted!

AOC
Have you heard of our latest gender?

NON-VOTER
I should have listened to Reddit!

AOC
Help fight the cis-het agenda!

NON-VOTER
Disillusioned!

AOC
We’re progressive and rebellious

NON-VOTER
This is hellish!
How can you choose this?

AOC
Just tick inside the box 
and you can have weed

NON-VOTER
I don’t want to
I don’t want to 
I won’t...

AOC
Whatever you want
Have your say 
U-S-A!

NON-VOTER
Gosh, how does anyone vote for this?

ENSEMBLE
Vote for us!

AOC
Mine!

NON-VOTER
Mine doesn’t count, I can’t vote for this

ENSEMBLE
Vote for us!

NON-VOTER
All you do is whine and yell scared

AOC
Healthcare!

NON-VOTER
Your whole party’s screaming “Welfare!”

AOC
Vo-o-o-o-ote!

NON-VOTER
Gosh, how does anyone vote for this?

ENSEMBLE
Vote for us!

AOC
Now!

NON-VOTER
Now do I make my ink stroke for this?

ENSEMBLE
For us!

NON-VOTER
As I weigh each con and pro 

ENSEMBLE
Pro! Pro! Pro!

NON-VOTER
There’s no party aligned
So I just don’t-

ENSEMBLE
Vote! (Vote!) Please vote for us! 
x4

AOC
Left... Left... Left! LEFT!

NON-VOTER
Can’t vote for this
I won’t promote these twits 
To pick one who swears an oath

ENSEMBLE
(Oath! Oath! Oath!)

REPUBLICAN
Vote?

NON-VOTER
No thanks, I hate you both.

Popular tracks by Nib Oswald