[ For all survivors of clergy sexual abuse ]
____

When did you turn into a heart disease
Heavenly vision taking over me
Hell, for this sickness there is no relief

Can't we decide if this is right or wrong
Or are we waiting until we get caught
Kneel, bow my head, do what I’ve been taught

You talk like you’re the whole damn choir
Say my name like it’s a prayer
It's religious, how you’re staring, 
Ask me for it you know you’ve got 
All of me round your little finger

Everything looks nicer when you put a veil on it
Everything sounds truer when you say it from a pulpit
My father who art deep inside me
Tell me does this make me holy
Say, ‘this is my body, eat it’
And I give you my obedience 
God or my lover, am I a saint or sinner

Go from the altar to the afterlife
My body is the living sacrifice
You’ve got a supernatural appetite 

How far do you think you can make me go
How much do you think that I don’t know
Come tell me honey wheredya get the nerve

I don’t know who to pray to anymore
But I confess the truth, I couldn’t want you more
Like God needs to be loved to fill a church
You want my worship, want to feel adored 

I don’t know who to pray to anymore
But I confess the truth and do what I’ve been told
I put on pretty things and go to church
I worship and I say I love you lord

Pastor

You saw through me, couldn’t believe
The way we fit so flawlessly
As if that meant you had a right
To sell a lie told perfectly

Now hide and try to find a way to twist reality
But I’m not blind, still got my mind with you inside it watching me

I can feel your heartbeat
I can feel your heartbeat
Espionage, you are espionage

I crossed my heart and hoped to die
As if the fucking choice was mine
I won’t forget your trickery
So brace yourself, I'm getting free

Don’t hide, I won’t comply with who you try to make of me
Cuz I’m not blind, let me remind you who you told me you would be

I can feel your heartbeat
I can feel your heartbeat
Espionage, you are espionage

Countdown, bombs explode, 
They  ricochet like sticks and stones
This is no dead end

Countdown, bombs explode, 
The things you say can’t break my bones
This is no dead end

Ooo, handle with care, this package is fragile             
Ooo, I know you can't, I know you can't
Ooo, promises made as if you could keep them
Ooo, I know you can't, I know you can't

Countdown, bombs explode,
Our love becomes the warring zone
This is your dead end

Espionage

Stop looking for a happy ever after
You're not in a fairytale
Knights sworn to devils and armor made to cut
You're not made for ring mail

Darling, do you expect me to believe
Trying to woo me with apologies

You lie like you kiss me, look like you’d kill me, 
I can’t tell the difference
But I'd paint the sky for you, bleed all the stars for you, 
Be your deliverance 

Who you call the villain and how you tell the story
The truth is as lost as this world
We thought we were the chosen ones
But somehow our hearts turned hard
Lost your wings angel you fall

You could have warned me, but would I have listened:
You’re not safe for bare hands
I’ll be the evidence, I’ll wear the marks of it
Just like we always planned

Darling, do you expect me to leave
When I gave you my heart, no strings

You lie like you kissed me, look like you’ve killed me, 
I can’t tell the difference
Still I'd paint the sky for you, bleed all the stars for you, 
Be your deliverance 

Who you call the villain and how you tell the story
The truth is as lost as this world
We thought we were the chosen ones
But somehow our hearts turned hard
Lost your wings angel you fall

Do you hear that screaming in the sky, screaming in the sky
Do you miss our pretty little lies, pretty little lies

Lucifer

Fool me with love songs, how far can you get
Darling, your cheap tricks don't mean anything
I'll build a kingdom from the sticks and stones
I know your lies all memorized

Who you trying to get, I'm not that gullible
Nothing you say makes it less terrible
Saw through your mask, don't hide, you hypocrite
I can't erase the stain of your face

You, you, you want more than I can give you
You know that it's so unfair
But you pull your strings, and it all goes down the drain
You, your torture I can't get enough of
The memories I'm drowning in
I'm drunk on love, fairy tales that don't exist

Let's make it up now as we go along
Fake it, play it, like we don’t know it's wrong
You’ll haunt my sleep, come to me in my dreams
Nowhere to hide that won’t hurt your pride 

Change our costumes again, we know how this one ends
I'll shed my skin for you and come again
We'll run away, you say it’s for the best
But you're a liar, your world's catching fire

You, you, you want more than I can give you
You know that it's so unfair
But you pull your strings, and it all goes down the drain
You, your torture I can't get enough of
The memories I'm drowning in
I'm drunk on love, fairy tales that don't exist

Open up, up
Tell me it's enough
Cuz I just can't give up, up
I'm calling this true lo-ove

Fairytales

// for all the women made to be monsters by men //


Copyright, my heart is mine it's not your right
To force your way in, push a fight
So far that I can't stay in control, use self-control

 I don't bite, but caution it's insanity
 This neverland that we're trapped in
 Where black is my white and
 Colors are dead, my conscience is dead

But if you want it (ah, ah)          
Can't live without it (ah, ah)
Then who am I to part the waters                            
Tame the madness, stop the flood
I know you want it (ah, ah)
Just gotta have it (ah, ah)
Your kingdom come, your will be done
I'll play your game, I'll take the blame

Baby, who you trying to be
Cuz I'm that monster trapped in your daydream
Unravel my maze or the minotaur reigns
Then come break my heart
Like I've got a spare one

Look away, to make it easy, turn your back,
 While I get ready, played the pawn, now I make my move
 I'm turning against you, turning against you
 
Hear them laughing in my head            
The things I won’t  they say instead
 I'll be dragging bodies behind me
 Under my bed, put you under my bed

Baby, who you trying to be
Cuz I'm that monster trapped in your daydream
Unravel my maze or the minotaur reigns
Then come break my heart
Like I've got a spare one

Noise, white lies, love letters, torture
Please come on in, the door is wide open
Who do you think I am

Baby, who you trying to be
Cuz I'm that monster trapped in your daydream
Unravel my maze or the minotaur reigns
Then come break my heart
Like I've got a spare one

Spare Heart

You try, I can tell
But you can't understand it without pretending
I seem to be strange 
I am speaking a language that doesn't make sense 

I am here to disappear 
When I'm found I want to be lost 
Oh-e-oh she is nobody's child 
Oh-e-oh this girl is wild

Who listens to me when I'm on the run 
When I have got no one 
The only thing I have to hold are trees 
My mother is the earth 
Who's held me from my birth
She is the one I trust on days like these
Oooo I throw my head back, let my hair down, scream
Oooo there is no use for coming after me 

The thing you don't know is the story is bloody 
There is a violence in me when I stand
Coming back from the graveyard where I was buried alive 
But I opened my mouth up to swallow the dirt 
So the flowers could grow from my eyes
Turn my skin just as red as the ground that is under your bed

I'm here to reappear
When I'm lost then I am found 
Oh-e-oh she is the forest's child 
Oh-e-oh this girl is wild

I'll be running with the wolves tonight 
I'll be running with the wolves tonight

With a wound for a heart
She cries as she looks for a soft place to fall
Take me home, hold me tight
I've been running too long with no place to go

I'm afraid to disappear 
To have to say I cannot stay here
But she is nobody's child 
This girl is wild

Where The Lost Girls Go

Outro: In My Head

Your name, I heard it like a laugh
The truth just made me sick
Too wild to predict
You drank poison, it killed me instead
I tried to play the sweet n' nice card
Clearly you can't play along

Hey, darling, you overstayed your visit
Don't look back, cuz I won't even miss it
You showed up, no warning or preamble
No regrets, cuz I won the gamble

I’m gonna sleep tonight
No need to say goodbye 
You're the reason hearts need cages
Fear on a leash, no need to feel the heartache
Buy it, go on out and try it
Tasting all your guilty pleasures
Won't need me, cuz I, I’ve already been to Vegas

Three words, you got me, played me
Silly little girl, it really ain’t that hard
Black jeans, drum beat, 
'Scuse me while I break free
Tried to play the sweet n' nice card
Clearly you can't play along

Hey, darling, you overstayed your visit
Don't look back, cuz I won't even miss it
You shot up, no warning or preamble
No regrets, cuz I won the gamble

I’m gonna sleep tonight
No need to say goodbye 
You're the reason hearts need cages
Fear on a leash, no need to feel the heartache
Buy it, go on out and try it
Tasting all your guilty pleasures
Won't need me, cuz I, I’ve already been to Vegas

I dare you to call me “dear” and then just disappear
Cuz you're not who I thought you were
No, you're not who I thought you'd be

I’m gonna sleep tonight
No need to say goodbye 
You're the reason hearts need cages
Fear on a leash, no need to feel the heartache
Buy it, go on out and try it
Tasting all your guilty pleasures
Won't need me, cuz I, I’ve already been to Vegas
I'm fine, I've already been to Vegas

Vegas

Talk right, be nice, don’t move, don’t fight, 
Sit still, don’t think, don’t speak, don’t breathe. 
I know everything I’m supposed to do. 

Walk straight, stand tall, that dress is too short, listen, just do what you’re told, don’t talk back and don’t dare speak your mind.

I lived my life by the golden rule. 
When you said don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. 
Puppets are told when they’re allowed to  move. 
And I am held up on two strings by you. 

Work hard, sleep less, you must be the best, 
Set your eyes on success, you’re too busy to waste your time on them

The world’s not good enough for you, you’re not good enough for me
Failure, disappointment and darling I don’t like what I see.

Change it fix it turn 180, then it might work for you, maybe
Until then just keep your eyes on me

Never wanted to be a princess, locked up in her tower.
When can I become a human, make you love your child
All I want is you to tell me I'm enough right now
What if I can't be your perfect, how long should I try

Mommy

But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea. [Matthew 18:6]

He fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul! Saul! Why are you persecuting me?”
“Who are you, lord?” Saul asked.
And the voice replied, “I am Jesus, the one you are persecuting. [Acts 9:4-5]

Truly I tell you, whatever you did to one of the least of these, you did to me. [Matthew 25:40]

//

God feels like an insult to my pain
Those pretty words you offer up in vain
How do you justify this butchering
The blood I kneel upon, this offering

My body is a church of broken things 
They told me to die, I chose to live
Now look upon my cross and see your shame
I will not wear your wrong or take your blame

I want to put a bullet through you
Evidence I did it to you
All this shit that you’ve put me through
Watch me hurt like you taught me to

God cries, God prays
God is the girl you tried to break
Your sins, you saint
God is the girl you tried to tame 

I eat my anger in a house
My mother built around my body 
Kneel beside my bed and pray 
God spare the girls that this world made 

Girls at war surviving God
All the girls who've had enough

I dare you to hold the female gaze
Or, dear, are you afraid the world will break
From all the things I’ve seen and had to hold
From all the things you’ve done that I have told

The girls who have died so I could breathe
The ones you called by this name before me
How many graves can one body endure 
How many wounds I wear that have no cure

I don’t care if I look ugly
When I’m put out on display
So read me like an open Bible
Pray the Lord your soul to save

God cries, God prays
God is the girl you tried to break
Your sins, you saint
God is the girl you tried to tame 

You laid me on your dinner table,
Served me on a silver platter,
Couldn't cut through all these bones
But wouldn't put away your sword

Girls against those playing God
Girls who can't and won't be bought 

God is watching and she hurts
God gets angry, goes to war
It’s not the world she made
How much more can she take

I will bear it for her sake
I can make the heavens shake
Whatever must be paid
The man must be obeyed

God cries, God prays
God is the girl you tried to break
Your sins, you saint
God is the girl you tried to tame

You aimed and put a bullet through me
When I damn outright refused you
Couldn't stand the just accusal
So you went for hell's approval

Girls who go to war for God
Girls who don’t know how to stop

God Is The Girl

I am what I am, my nature is wild
I am my own kind, an instinct, a child 
I have a face that looks like yours but I can’t make it fit the same
I have a name that sounds like yours but when it’s said it isn’t tame
If you stop and look too long you’ll start to see the way
I walk more like an animal that not too long ago was prey

Animal child, animal wild
Bare your teeth, bare your soul 
Cut in two, cut to bone
Made to feel, made to kill
Made to hunger not to fear

She is soft, she is hard
She is pure, she is scarred
God looked down and he said
Girl, your name is woman

The rage in a girl who rescued herself
The force in her who needs no one else
I know you like to think that you are someone dear and close to me
But darling what you think of me is what I want to let you see
In my mouth, there’s blood from all the fingers I have bitten off
From hands that tried to touch the parts of me I haven’t lost 

Girl, you got rage
Girl, you got power
When they come at you just scream at them louder 

Girl, you got temper
Girl, you got fire
Don’t let them scare you into becoming quieter 

Girl, you’re a king
Girl, make ‘em cower
No one can touch you without being devoured

Woman

Where's your harness, darling?
 This is smoke, you're falling
 Was this your fairytale?
 You afraid of the dark?
Is this not the great thing you thought we would come to be?
Did you really think you could make a happy ever after out of me?

This is the end of the world
This is believe it or not
What if we make every step, break every bone to breathe
What if the story we tell isn’t a tragedy

Too late now that we wrecked it
 Don't you dare resurrect it
 Crack the glass, touch the wire
 On and off, you brilliant liar
Here we say our goodbyes and find out how much it stings
Can’t help it if I love you too much to let this be the end of things

This is the end of the world
This is believe it or not
Can we make every step, break every bone to breathe
What if the story we tell isn’t a tragedy

The person that I could've been
The little girl that lived within
Is it too late
Can she be saved 
From the thing that she became 

Is there another way to live
Or if the story's stuck like this 
Is it okay
To stay this way 
To leave you there where you laid claim 

This is the end of the world
This is believe it or not
What if we make every step, break every bone to breathe
What if the story we tell isn’t a tragedy
Fight for the peak and the fall
Till it's death of us all
Did we make every step, break every bone to breathe
Is this how the story will go, it ends in tragedy

Tragedy

You don’t know my story
How can you know my sin
I can say I’m sorry
As if that means you win 

You don’t like the party
Because it ends like this
Darling I can be
As wicked as you wish

Try not to get too attached
This is just confession

Do you understand the violence it took to become this gentle? 
The only prayer I have left in me is to love like God never meddled 
I say give me hands to pray with
God says call a wolf a wolf
Satan has me at eye level
Man can never have enough
Set her free
God and the girl both beg to be believed

Good girls wear their faces
But don’t tell you their names 
No one can serve two masters
But she sure can take the blame 

You can make her do
Whatever you condone
The body that she wears
Has never been her own

Try not to get too attached
This is just confession
You call me your sacrament
But you won’t keep my secrets 

All I do is try to make you pleased
All you do pry until I bleed
All we do is play this silly game until it’s mean
All I do is make a pretty home
All you do is make me give it up
As if you can use me to fill up your empty hole

Confession

You came to me in a garden and you asked me to dance
I asked for your name but you gave me your hand

Open your eyes to the movement, the motion’s not chance
Take every step like I lead you, and I'll do the rest

You and I, in communion, I show you my face
Open wide, let me fill you, and we co-create

The fingerprints of sacred when it looks like I've left
The listening to the silence, you wrestle, I bless

You and I, in the garden, I teach you the dance
Coming back to the place where the story began

You came to me in a garden and you asked me to dance
I asked for your name but you gave me your hand

The Dance

You were here, and then you weren't
I hoped you'd stay, didn't think you wouldn't
And I am left alone here in the dark
Where are all your promises when I’m coming apart

I’m pressing deep into the empty
What is left you can take from me
You step into the shadows and what’s solid disappears
But the dance wants me to follow the whisper in my ear
It says

"There’s nothing that can keep me from being here
You will find me the Mystery hidden in everything
Keep your eyes on the clearing skies
When you step into the deep, you will walk through a parted sea
Love is the bridge between you and everything"

There is no fear if this is loving
Maybe I’m here because you're growing
The trust I‘m in the desert it’s the story you designed
The confidence your faithfulness nothing to do with mine

I’m pressing deep into your presence
I will not leave, I’ll be your incense
Burn into my bones like all you want is all of me
I want to see the miracle you make out of this scene
Because

There’s nothing that can keep you from being here
I will find you the Mystery hidden in everything
I’ll keep my eyes set on the clearing skies
When I step into the deep, I will walk through a parted sea
You are the bridge between me and everything

I wait, I wrestle, I will not let go until you bless me
I come, you comfort, you will not let go until you have me

The Desert

I put myself in a room full of mountains
I close the door and cut off my hair
I don’t know this country
This language or the land
But it knew I was coming it knows who I am

God comes down with the face of a mother
She calls herself by a different name
I want to be dirty
To let her see my face
In these woods she won’t let me get lost
She knows who I am

I am making my own home and I
I am sleeping on my own and I
I have learned to make a lover of the world
I am stroking my own skin and I
I am holding my own hand and I
I have learned to make a lover of myself

I make my skin out of secondhand stories 
I turn this roads into families
Twenty years have taught me
My face won’t stay the same
So I eat all the love that I find till it becomes who I am 

The world is burning and I have discovered this
God enters us to make the universe
The world is burning and I have discovered this
Nothing can end the love that dies like this
The world is burning and I have discovered this
We are the ones who start the apocalypse

The earth cries out after her children
But there are none that remember their names
When the sky is falling 
Will we come home again
When the seas have dried up and the forests are dead

Rewilding

Glorious, eternity cannot contain all you are
You speak, the heavens open and I come undone
Beauty boundless, endless, infinite

Miraculous, the way you captivate my heart, I can’t resist
Your Presence is a force to be reckoned with
No shelter from the fullness of your love

We can’t escape your love
Can’t escape your love
Can’t escape your love

Relentless, your splendor pulls me closer and I melt within
The weight of all your power and your tenderness.
The deep is calling and I answer yes

Singing glory, glory
I’m surrounded now, no way out
From your glory, glory
Surrendered now, my heart bows down

Can't Escape

My blood cries out from the ground
It wails, but no one looks down
When you put the knife to my chest
Did you watch life spill from my breast

God, your child cries out
Who’ll defend me now

But in the waiting You are still good
When it doesn’t look the way that it should
I will wait quietly before my God
I will remember the things He has done
He is good, he is good, he is good

They say the lord will provide 
It’s good to have nothing to hide
What does hope look like in the dust
When there’s nothing left of my trust

All these broken vows
Who do I love now

But in the waiting You are still good
When it doesn’t look the way that it should
I will wait quietly before my God
I will remember the things He has done
He is good, he is good, he is good

[In Romanian:]
El este domn [He is God]
El este domn [He is God]
El este domn [He is God]
El este domn [He is God]

The Wait (A Psalm)

God named the prophets and taught them to breathe fire
God saw the angry and made them saints
When he made women, he told them to conspire
When he made angels, he gave them swords

Burn her at the stake
See what I can take
They will realize afterwards I was a saint
Who they call a liar
Who they put on trial
Are you listening to the noise that I can make

I burn with the fuel on the fire I created myself
I carry a cross but I never asked for your help
Send someone who is not likely to die
Send someone who’s bolder
Send a fighter
Send someone not likely to break
They need a defender
Send someone like the woman I am
(God’s favorite heretic)

Girl has a vision, you tell her to keep quiet
Or are you worried by what she’ll see
She’s hearing voices and you tell her to fight it
Or are you jealous God speaks to me

God wants a body
God wants a womb
God wants a woman he can enter into
A thing with a nerve
That walked out of a tomb
A creature that knows what violence can do

I burn with the fuel on the fire I created myself
I carry a cross but I never asked for your help
Send somebody to them alive
Make sure they can’t control her
Send a soldier
Send somebody out of their mind
A girl who knows god holds her
Send someone like the woman I am
(God’s favorite heretic)

Send somebody to them to die
Put it on her shoulders
She can hold it
Send someone they can’t terrify
Give them God’s own daughter
She’ll tell them I’m the creature that I am
(God’s favorite heretic)

Highly favored, full of grace
The lord is with you
Blessed are you
You are carrying God

Heretic

To those who think that they can cross the borders
To those who think they can take what’s not theirs 
To those who think they can survive the mountains
To those who come and stand on sacred land 

To you who speak over my voice
To you who come making promises
To you who leave me no choice
To you proclaiming what your god says 

Pull your knife out of my back
Spit my name out and give it back

This is wild land
This is wild land
It belongs to no one
It cannot be tamed 
Dear you think you’re someone
Who cannot be blamed 
For this wild land
You're on wild land

My dear, come near
You think you understand what is happening
What are you imagining 
My dear, it’s clear 
The way I claim this place, for you, is maddening

Don’t you think that you can cross the borders
Don’t you think you can take what’s not yours
Don’t you think you can survive the mountains
Don’t you step and stand on sacred land 

Don’t you speak over my voice
Don’t you go on making promises
Oh you leave me no choice 
The way you play with what your god says

Pull your knife out of my back
Spit my name out and give it back

This is wild land
This is wild land
It belongs to no one
It cannot be tamed 
Dear you think you’re someone
Who cannot be blamed 
For this wild land
You're on wild land

My dear, come near
You think you understand what is happening
What are you imagining 
My dear, it’s clear 
The way I claim this place, for you, is maddening

Rage

God is laying in the grass, laughing
He lets me braid his hair, asking 
If I drink tea green or black
If I like the face I have 
If I come here by myself, watching
The trees I know by name talking,
They teach their children how to walk
Hold them when they’ve had enough
And they treat me like their own offspring 

There is a woman in the garden
A girl goes to the woods 
God comes down to meet her
A temple for the two of them
Hold me like a bird that
can fit inside your hand 
Leave a kiss between my eyes 
I know I’ll come to you again
We will meet in the wild wild places
We will meet in wild wild places

I have learned to take his hand, wanting 
Him to say my name, then I ask him 
To dance with me until
The wound in me is filled 
With all his silly ways of unmasking
The girl in me with worlds in hiding 
He takes me in his arms
Tips my head up to the stars
Says that heaven loves who I’m becoming 

There is a woman in the garden
A girl goes to the woods 
God comes down to meet her
A temple for the two of them
Hold me like a bird that
can fit inside your hand 
Leave a kiss between my eyes 
You know I’ll come to you again
We will meet in the wild wild places
You will be in the wild wild places

God is laying in the grass, laughing
At the mischief of the ants he’s watching 
He makes a tender flower crown
For me to wear around
As if to say you’re heaven’s darling

The Temple

I know that you're looking at me
You think that I can't make it out clean
I push too far, say it, I’m reckless and wild
"Don't trespass, don't look down, don't play with fire"

Cuz dragons breathe fire and villains must die
The prince gets the princess and angels don't lie
But what if I tell the truth, where would you turn
Your honor the evidence really might burn

Fuck all your stereotypes, wear your disguise
I'll lift the spell, stab the knight, let's see who dies
If you think that you know, watch what I do
I’ll be the villain here if I want to
But I'm a good, good girl

Come close, the edge is my comfort zone
Will she survive just after the fall
I don't care if you know where I’ve gone
I’m more than just a pretty faced doll

Cuz dragons breathe fire and villains must die
The prince gets the princess and angels don't lie
But what if I tell the truth, where would you turn
Your honor the evidence really might burn

Fuck all your stereotypes, wear your disguise
I'll lift the spell, stab the knight, let's see who dies
If you think that you know, watch what I do
I’ll be the villain here if I want to
But I'm a good, good girl

It's a para-, a para-, a paradise
That you’re lost in, so blinded, all fantasized
Yea it's a para-, a para-, a paradise
That you’re stuck in, entrapped in, I emphasize

That it's a para-, a para-, a paradise
Which I hate to intrude on and burglarize
But it’s a para-, a para-, a paradise
Sir, wake up from the dream you’ve romanticized

Cuz dragons breathe fire and villains must die
The prince gets the princess and angels don't lie
But what if I tell the truth, where would you turn
Your honor the evidence really might burn

Fuck all your stereotypes, wear your disguise
I'll lift the spell, stab the knight, let's see who dies
If you think that you know, watch what I do
I’ll be the villain here if I want to
But I'm a good, good girl

Stereotypes

I’ll work the soil, I’ll follow you into the wilderness
To spread your presence, scatter the seed of your goodness
Give me your hand, I will take it and bend where you’re kneeling 
I don’t care what it is, where it is, I just want all in

I feel it inside me, the seed of your love, it's growing 
You do the pruning to make room in me for the blooming
Give me a new name and call me to walk on the water
I don’t care what it is, where it is, I just want all in

The garden you’re planting together we'll nourish
I don’t see what you’re doing but I’m confident it’s growing

I feel it inside me, the seed of your love, it's growing 
You do the pruning to make room in me for the blooming
Give me a new name and call me to walk on the water
I don’t care what it is, where it is, I just want all in

Where no one’s looking, when no one sees,
There are miracles blossoming
Where no one’s looking, when no one sees,
There are miracles blossoming
Send me, here I am, send me

Send Me

You’re afraid, it’s not safe
You are running through the valley that you came
What you say, you can’t stay
You’re not worth the coming after
‘You can’t save me, please forget me’ but

I will come for you
I will not leave you

I am here you are loved

You are safe, I will stay 
Lay your head here on my shoulder
Where your heart bleeds I will hold her

I am here you are loved
I am here you are loved

I will come for you
I will not leave you
I will fight for you
I will not forget you

I am here you are loved
I am here you are loved

I will give you a home and a feast
I will love you the most when you deserve it the least
I will meet you in your not enough
Extravagance is the true language of love

I will give you a home and a feast
I will love you the most when you deserve it the least
In my eyes you are always enough
I will have all your wounds overflow with my love

Prodigal

I take you apart, watch you come undone
I’m after your heart, I will not give up
This is precious to me, the chasing, the seek,
I come in the night, I stand by the door
And I wait            

I love you too much to deaden the pain
The wounding of you is the making of room
For the fullest of loves, the comfort because
There’s no place to hide from the deep and the wide

When you call my name, the waters will part                   
The walls will come down, the darkness depart
When you call my name, the heavens will break
The light will invade, the world be made safe

And I will gather you into my arms
I will hold you close and do no harm

Wrestle with me, enter the deep,
I’m not afraid of the hurt and the grief
You can suffer with me, I know how to weep,
I've been in the grave and I've come out again,
I remain            

This is the gift of learning to see
The making of dreams out of this suffering 
Let me come teach you how to hunger and thirst,
To know I am good, to trust you are loved

When you call my name, the waters will part                   
The walls will come down, the darkness depart
When you call my name, the heavens will break
The light will invade, the world be made safe

I will be your comfort and your joy
I will be the first that you enjoy

My love will break every chain
My love will tear the walls away
My love will take all your shame 
My love will make the dead awake

Father

Child
Of war, of wounds, of weeds
Belong to everything, the world caves in
You open to hold it

Child 
Of boxes, birds, and greed
You long for everything
To open up and hold you close

It’s you that you fight with
It’s you that you lie with
On the nights the bombs go off
The sky lights up and god’s far off
It’s you that stays

Walk
Till God believes in you
And make his feet to bleed
The mountains know who’s coming towards them

Walk
Till earth begins to heave
Bring the hunter to his knees
The seeds know who their mother is

It’s you that you cry with
It’s you that you die with
On the nights the bombs go off
The sky lights up and god’s far off
It’s you that stays

Oh, it happened quietly
In a place no one could see
Hold your eyes behind your back
It’s easy to forgive without the facts

If the monsters following
Tell the story differently
Let the ground remember your name
It knows you won't leave it the same

It’s you that survives it
It’s you that defies it
On the nights the bombs go off
The sky lights up and god’s far off
It’s you that stays

Pilgrim

God, my father, do you ever look down
At my sorrow and think, 'what have I done'

Say you see, but can't keep your hands from smiting me
Everything you take from me, you act like it’s done lovingly

If you’re good, then be good to me
If you’re kind, then be kind to me
I can’t keep pretending your good gifts are not hurting me
If you’re here, show yourself to me
If you’re soft, touch me carefully
I can’t keep believing in something I’m not seeing

How do you feel when you hear me cry
If it hurts your heart as much as it hurts mine

Don’t say you know, but not that you’ll soften the blow
All the things that cut my soul are because you love me so

I'm on my knees but can your plans be changed by words like these 
I'm on my knees but will you hold back by my saying please

Say you see, but can't keep your hands from smiting me
Everything you take from me, you act like it’s done lovingly
Don’t say you know, but not that you’ll soften the blow
All the things that cut my soul are because you love me so

Knees (A Psalm)

I said God made me right
Never said he made me good
Meant to put up a fight
Did you think I never would

Don’t hold back
I don’t want your mercy
You can chew me now
Close your mouth, don’t be messy
Use the knife in your hand
And take the first slice
God has a temper and so do I

Do you remember the poetry
Of all the damn promises you made me
You say the same things to her
You committed those lines to memory clearly

I’ll set the table, darling take your seat
Dinner is ready, the main course is me

Take this heart and eat it
Pour out my blood and drink all of it
Do this in memory of me

It’s quite clear you don’t like
That my story won’t comply
With the narrative you’re making
To erase what you dislike

Don’t say a word
I know how it’s ending
I will wash your feet
While you plot the betraying
When you come in for the kiss
Make it soft and convincing
God flipped the table and so will I

Did it occur to you, I am just as sly
And I’d find what you’d hidden
Who am I, care to tell me why you’d lie
and invent your own religion

I’ll set the table, darling take your seat
Dinner is ready, the main course is me

Take this heart and eat it
Pour out my blood and drink all of it
Do this in memory of me

They will crown her the queen of kings
She’ll forgive them of every sin
They will wear her on their necks
By her name they will be blessed
Tell me boy now where is your sting

They will crown her the queen of kings
Be in awe of the thing she is
She will rise up from the dead
He’ll regret the things he said
When he thought he could make her his

Do you remember the speeches that you made
About disrespecting women
You deny, clarify, sir, good luck
with the hole that you’re digging

The Last Supper

On the day god died, I turned ten
My dad put a gun to his head
He said this is for her mother
And the way you made her suffer
Bullet hit and I said amen

It’s a funeral
How do I feel when
The world I’m made for
Was in your head
And you rest in peace
While I piece the rest
Of your disintegrating plot
The way you acted like it’s not
A story you are making up
To fold me neatly in a box

I ask Satan out for a drink
Was it planned or could you predict
Were you pushed or did you wanna
Go where no one’s ever gonna
Did God ever care what you think

When the world ends send me a text
I’ll go first and you can be next
You can judge me for my doubting
If you take one for gaslighting 
Dress up nice so hell is impressed 

I hung my heart from a tree
You cut down knowing I’d be
Tied to the only thing I thought
Would be left standing 
I put a knife to the cord
Of the womb that was home 
Tried to give birth on my own
Eat the unbearable

Funeral

You gouge your fingers till I come apart
You’re pressing in and breaking up my heart
I will not be satisfied until you are my one
I will be left ravenous until I come undone

You’re tearing up the soil for the seed
You take away the wanting for the need
I will not be moved until you show me who you are
I will wait until I see you coming from afar

I will not let go until you come
I will not let go until we’re one

From deep to deep you come after my heart
Relentlessly pursuing what you want 
I will not be kept from you, you're jealous for your prize
I will not be whole until I've looked into your eyes

The mountains bend and tremble from your want
The depth of your desire splits skies apart
You have set your eyes on me, no end could be too far
You leave the hundred to come after just the one

You will not let go until I've come
You will not let go until we’re one

Open my eyes, enter inside
You will not be denied
   
Are you wounding me 
Or are you wooing me
The pain is your pursuit of me
The desert is our healing place

Are you leaving me 
Or are you loving me
Your absence makes my soul to thirst
Your presence makes me want you first

I will not let go until you come
I will not let go until we’re one

Open my eyes, enter inside
I will not be denied


(Genesis 32:26)

The Blessing

a girl turning her stories into songs
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experimental-orchestral music productions

nickel

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