What can I do with these thoughts of you?
What can I do when I've caused pain?
What can I do when multitudes of sorries can't contain
The evil that I've done?

Time and again I've been in this place,
Vowing in tears - "I won't return",
Yet here I am, incredulous, incredulous,
Inside my fortress walls.

What can I do with these thoughts of you?
What can I do when I'm in pain?
What can I do when multitudes of sorries can't regain
The love we once had?

Kneeling face down on a dungeon floor,
Choking in sobs - "I'm just no good",
And if I stay here I'll stay the same
But, guilt redeemed, we'll tear down these walls.

The walls that have closed me in
And kept you out.
Behind stone in the summer,
All I felt was cold.
I am not big enough to break them down
All alone,
But the One who created
Will lift each block of pain
And leave me open to the sunshine,
The sunshine that makes me sane.

What Can I Do?

Don't we often ask - where did the joy go?
Where is that feeling I sense I was promised?

Who will you be?
Will you be all the circumstances life has tumbled or hurled your way, 
And what were they anyway
But perceptions?
What will you be?
In the wreck of your life-tossed boat?
With the wood from the ship that will no longer float - 
You could throw yourself onto the funeral pyre
Or you could warm your heart by the fire…

And let it be the ruby in the centre of your body.
I know it's hard to believe
When you just can't retrieve
That hope, that flame, that living.

What will you feel?
Will the cold bite you now the hurricane is threatening to crush your world?
See how the waters swirled
And brought you kindling.
What will you know?
In your huddle, oppressed by fear,
In the darkness that makes all else disappear,
You could throw out the latent tinder hope
Or spark it up to the flames so you can cope
With the wind and the storm and driving rain…

And let it be the ruby in the centre of your body.
I know it's hard to believe
When you just can't retrieve
That hope, that flame, that living.

Ruby in the Centre

Isn't it about time?
Isn't it about time
I looked at you
And saw my true
Feelings?

Instead of looking elsewhere.
Anywhere while you're there,
I want to keep
Running deep
Resentment.

'cos if I look into your eyes
The wall I've built to the skies
Will fall on me
As the floods rise.

Captive in a hollow,
Worshipping my sorrow,
You're lost to me,
But I want liberty
To love you.

'cos if I unstop your heart
The boat that could never depart
Will be ripped free
As the floods rise.

They've got to rise and set me sailing,
Rise and set me sailing back to you.

Floods Should Rise

He said, "I spoke to you but you refused,
You wouldn't listen and the low became your muse.
You sat within your walls
And ignored me, and ignored me,
Till life meant nothing."

I hung my head but He said, "No shame here.
Do you think I died for you so you should live in fear?
You're safe within my walls
And in glory, and in glory.
I'm your sanity."

I had no excuse,
No rationale but the gravity
Of the darkness.

"Be on your guard and let your soul discern.
I am the only one whose living you need learn.
Your hope is limitless
If you let down, if you let down
All your false standards."

I want it over - this time be the last - 
To hurl away the lunacy into the past.
So open up my mind
And release me, and release me.
It's the only way.

'cos I have no excuse
No rationale but the gravity
Of the darkness.

The Only Way

He laid waste the land of my existence
With lies that felt like my own thoughts
And all my attempts were crushed by his persistence.
I gave way and it didn't feel like force...

But I'm not hollow any more,
I'm not hollow any more.
I let love in
And he won't win
Now that I know I'm in a state of war.

My weakness is made strength in Your perfection.
It took me too long to make mine
The gift freely given - the death and resurrection
Means You're living - 
I call on You at any time.

I'm not hollow any more,
I'm not hollow any more.
I let love in
And he won't win
Now that I know I'm in a state of war.

I'll put a guard at the gate
And those arrows of hate and despair
I'll declare
My targets to dowse in your peace
And when he bombards my life
With his well-disguised strife
I'll not fall
'cos I'll call
On the kingdom to secure release.

I'm not hollow any more,
I'm not hollow any more.
I let love in
And he won't win
Now that I know I'm in a state of war.
Now that I know I'm in a state of war.


State of War

I've got to lay it down - 
The dream that kept my head among the clouds
And when I looked into the crowds
No rescue came for me.
Just let it be.

I am on my own.
Noone would take the mindset of a child - 
Just let the demon run wild.
He's too scary.
Just let him be.

Let the boat sail down the river
With its cargo of expectations.
Make the boat sail down the river,
Sail away.

Into those swift, bold streams
I cast the disappointment, empty questions and regret,
The weary eyes that rarely met,
The conversations left.
Just let them be.

Let them go - 
The childish wantings.
Let them lie in the hold,
Chill them in the cold
And send them off.
Set me free.



Lay It Down

Enough now. Enough now.
I'm over ruminating,
Going over all my faults and flaws,
Just to be free from their laws.

I'm gonna see. I'm gonna see
The vista of the great wide ocean - 
Let it pour over my tired head.
See the future without dread.

And I don't wanna analyse everything that's wrong.
I wanna find what's right,
Hold it up to the light
To shine.
Let it shine.
Shine.

I will sound. I will sound,
Reverberating in the ether
Till I resonate with vibrant life - 
Heed the peace outside the strife.

I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be -
Participate in my existence,
Experience my breathing lungs.
See, the ladder has upward rungs.

And I don't wanna catalogue every time I've failed.
Appreciate what's good.
Hold it up like it could
Shine.
Let it shine.
Shine.

I long to love. I long to love.
Drown in something less cerebral,
Celebrated in an unlocked heart.
Last longer than a start.

'cos I don't wanna criticise, gazing at the past.
I wanna live for now,
Let go and allow
Myself to shine.
Shine.

Let It shine

Dear Earth, I want you to know
That I'm not gonna sit back and watch you crumble.
Glorious home, imperfect words will show
How it breaks my heart to see your systems tumble,
Sacrificed... by the unwise...through unclear eyes.

Pretty sphere, whirling through the void,
The most precious thing for multitudes of light years.
Beautiful place, we could leave you destroyed
With the things we do to crush and conquer our fears
Our own way...every day...so I pray...

That someone will find us
In a hundred years' time
Living radiantly in harmony with you.
Could it be true?

Fine world, lights of hope do shine
Where your sanctity's a standard to be raised.
Bright globe, if we could just refine
Our existences and leave ourselves amazed
By your joys...simple toys...unalloyed.

Dear Earth

The more I surrender to You
The closer I fold into Your heart
I hear You breathe
My life restarts.
Your voice as it swims in my head
Is all the comfort that I need.
I'm on y knees - 
You're my reprieve.

You are my direction,
My mind's resurrection.
I'm all that I can be with You.
You hear every call
In the weight of my fall.
You're the ocean I tumble into.

Uplifted and held as I float
In waters bright, encompassing
My every ache
Or suffering.
My head as it lays in Your rest
Is light like sunrays on the sea
This liquid love
Has set me free.

Wash over me 'til I'm completely free.

No fear as I step to the Earth,
Your brine still sparkling on my skin
And 'neath the fire
I will begin
T see crystals forming
The salt and the dawning,
The taste of a life swum with You.
I can still hide in Your waves.
I'm Your voluntary slave.
Your the ocean I tumble into.
You're the ocean

You're the Ocean

I wrote this coming out of a year when I had never had so many awful things happen. God was there for me, picking me up time after time.

Nihou