Girlish

come home, we miss you

wish you knew

your hotel room

star of the show

camgirl

dress up party

before i leave

speak to me

speak to me (feat. pinksuicide & xomolly!)

this is how it feels

hunting season

skin and flesh (Monsey remix)

-Taken from Jesse's notebook, page 52-

[My drinking problem] [10-06-1994]

I've never been a heavy drinker. Hell... I don't really drink at all. I refuse to. Maybe it's a cruel reminder that I'm getting older, but that's just how I feel. Considering how things have been going recently, I decided to start. As they say... There's a first time for everything. Whatever pain I've been experiencing, my friends were right. The drinking truly does fix it.

I started around three days ago. Obviously, it's starting off slow, but it'll probably become an unhealthy habit eventually. I'm scared now... But I feel like I won't be scared once that time comes. I just need something to keep my mind off what's been happening.

---

It might be easier to let it go
Once the glass breaks, you can't fix it
A simple task seems so impossible:
To leave an unclear, warped reflection

I don't wanna leave
Please stop making me
You better grab me by the arm
Hold me tight, 'cause I'm not coming back when I get in that car

Why would you leave me in the dark?
Now, all I can see is myself
Why would you leave me in the dark?
Now, all I can see is myself

And if I wanted to plan my escape
I would cut through the bars
They can't hold me for long
They can't hold me for long

(Why would you leave?) I can't change a thing about it
(Why would you leave?) I can't change a thing about it

Why would you leave me in the dark?
Now, all I can see is myself
Why would you leave me in the dark?
Now, all I can see is myself

Hold Me While I Disappear

foul language

-Taken from Jesse's notebook, page 55-

[The silence is deafening] [01-02-2001]

So, I can't believe that I found my notebook. It's been 6 years and Nate is still missing. I truly don't know if he's still alive, but I've been trying to keep my hopes up.

I've had to take frequent visits to the hospital and also joined an AA group. Honestly, it's kind of working. I've been drinking way less these past years, but I haven't been able to hear the voices of Nate and Maye. It's not completely quiet though...

Do you ever realize that silence doesn't actually exist? I've been noticing every tiny detail in the background noise: the ceiling fan, the creaking walls... I notice every single time there's a tone shift. I feel like the surrounding noises are trying to start a conversation with me. I know it's bad, but I've decided to talk back. Maybe I'll feel less lonely if I do...

---

It's not a park walk from the inside
It's not as nice as you'd expect
The light still talks. I rip the cord out
I rip the cord out with my hand

I'll fall away to make it easy
My view will be the same as yours
I felt the wetness in the painting
Built by the artist that we love

Don't say a word
Don't say a word
Don't say a word
Don't say a word

The noise comes from wintery ceilings
Your talking hit me like the wind

Oh, surprise me
Oh, surprise me

Don't say a word
Don't say a word
Don't say a word
Don't say a word
(Don't say a word) don't say a word (don't say a word to me)
(Don't say a word) don't say a word (don't say a word to me)
(Don't say a word) don't say a word (don't say a word to me)
(Don't say a word) don't say a word (don't say a word to me)

hush

-Taken from Jesse's notebook, page 57-

[Eli] [01-11-2001]

Today I had a conversation with one of my neighbours, Eli Roberts. We don't usually interact with each other, but as I was taking out the garbage, he decided to talk to me. Right out of the gate, he asked me how I was doing. As I thought about it, I decided to tell him the truth. I mean, he's really the only person I could tell.

Eli was very understanding... And that's because he went through the same thing. He told me that he lost his entire family in a car accident... His two daughters and his wife. He's lived alone for the past five years and has slowly been getting better and better. I gave my condolences and before I decided to go on about my day, he told me that one day, memories of loved ones will unfortunately fade into the back of my mind. I didn't want to believe him, but I knew that one day it would happen.

---

It's happening again - your picture is clearing
It started with your hair
Now, it's gotten to your knees
And you claimed you breathed fine for a week

Need to talk with the boss
See him holding the spade
And he's been out here since the start of the day
Push him down through that path and nothing goes your way

Oh, to feel the weight on my hands again
Oh, to feel the weight on my hands again

The man in the photo
Is no longer smiling
He looks like a killer
Everything he loved is now gone

Oh, to feel the weight on my hands again
Oh, to feel the weight on my hands again
Oh, to feel the weight on my hands again
Oh, to feel the weight on my hands again

And if I look close enough, oh, will I find you there?
And if I look close enough, oh, will I find you there?

the photographer

-Taken from Jesse's notebook, page 59 and 60-

[Brittany saves my life] [01-12-2001]

Today, a woman by the name of Brittany Fielders saved my life. Not so sure why she came up on the roof as I was about to jump, but she was there to talk to me. She told me she noticed me from the Shannonston Bank just across the street from the building I was on. I asked her why she made the effort to come to me instead of just yelling from the ground. She told me that it was better to have a more intimate, one-on-one conversation.

Our conversation was pretty short, but she was able to convince me to stay. I truly didn't know what I was thinking and maybe it wasn't time to give up on the search. I gave her my thanks and I decided to go back home.

A few hours have gone by and I'm still at home, shaking at the thought of making that jump. Brittany has been on my mind ever since I got back home and how she saved me.

[Nate's silence] [01-12-2001]

Before it got dark, I decided to go out to the local park, the same one that Nate and I were before he went missing. It still looked the same. They just added a new swing set at the far right corner opposite of where I was sitting on that day.

The park was empty. The kids that used to play here are older now, so they're probably studying in college or drinking at bars instead of playing on slides or swing sets.

I decided to sit back down on the bench, that bench... I took in the silence as the construction was finally done. Then, I saw a group of people entering the park. They seemed to be in their 20s. Maybe some were 19.

As they got closer, I recognized one of them... It was Nate. I couldn't believe he was still here... alive and well. He definitely looked a lot older now. He had long blonde hair and a beard.

I went up to him with a smile, however he just stood there. He seemed mad at me, like I was the one that did something wrong. Like I was the reason he went missing.

I explained to him how hard it was to not have him around for years and years. I told him my drinking problem, how I had no one to help and how I was thinking of ending it all.

My smile slowly went away. He hasn't said anything. I completely understood how he felt, but I needed to remind him that I tried everything.

I asked him if he wanted to come back home, but he just nodded "no." I completely forgot that he was in his 20s now. I still saw him as my child. I didn't know whether or not I should be sad or happy about the situation. I felt like I missed so much of being a father, however I was proud to see that he was living his own life now.

I gave Nate my apologies and he still kept silent throughout. I wanted him to say something, but as I said, I understood why he didn't want to talk to me. He walked away with his friends...

It took me a moment to get back my composure, but I decided to sit down. Right now, I'm still writing in my notebook as I stay at the park. It's getting dark, but there's enough light for me to see the pages.

This might be the last time I write in here... After what just happened, I no longer have anything to say.

--- 

Green blades 'round your neck
Tell a different story
A drawing on my face
You were alright
And I had a bad dream
You were staring on the carton
I should've gave you
Did somebody else take my place?

Was that your final wish?
Was that your final wish?

No one else to come home to
They all got jobs
And the dog that you loved
Is too old to play with now

I should've stayed to watch you grow over me
I should've stayed to watch you grow over me
I should've stayed to watch you grow over me
I should've stayed to watch you grow over me

Was the child flying away?
Was the child flying away?
Was the child flying away?
Was the child flying away?

lilium

-Taken from Jesse's notebook, page 58-

[Eli, cont...] [01-12-2001]

At this point, I've given up. It was nice to talk to Eli about everything and for a couple hours in the day, the weight on my shoulders was lifted. However, reality hit me... I knew that I was never going to find Nate. I mean, there's a possibility that he could either be dead or living his life entirely on his own. I mean, he would be in his 20s.

My mind went to the only solution I knew: ending it. I've considered doing it ever since Maye was found dead. I felt alone, like no one was there to help.

Right now, I'm standing on the roof of the tallest building in the nearby city... It's definitely not a skyscraper, but I'm sure it's enough to get the job done. I've already written a note at home... Hopefully the wind doesn't blow it away... or maybe it will. I won't be here to stop it from happening.

---

Hold... hold both of my hands
I'll give the signal to jump down
I won't let you go
Until it takes us both

Why would I leave when I could hold you forever?

I made my mind up years ago
If I keep my promise, the doors won't open for the both of us

Why would I leave when I could hold you forever?
Why would I leave when I could hold you forever?

I finally hit the bottom
Loved ones, no longer close
I'll go to where you can feel me
I'll touch you as a ghost (as a ghost)

I'll touch you as a ghost (as a ghost)
I'll touch you as a ghost (as a ghost)

Why would I leave (as a ghost)
When I could hold you forever? (As a ghost)
Why would I leave (squeeze me so I can't run) (as a ghost)
When I could hold you forever? (Squeeze me so I can't run)

descend (when i say)

-Taken from Jesse's notebook, page 56-

[The man] [01-03-2001]

So, I decided to go out more. I knew that I couldn't just rot here forever. I went into the city instead of walking around the local area just to get a different experience. It was pretty far though, so I had to drive. Which was fine.

As I walked around, some man was looking at me. He looked familiar, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Then, it clicked...

This was the man I saw at the park, the same day Nate went missing. He definitely looked a lot older now, but I can remember someone years later... Even if I saw him for just a few seconds. He was the asshole that told me not to worry about the situation. As we saw each other, I suddenly knew that he was the culprit as he was trying to avoid me.

I decided to get into my car and chase him down. I thought to myself "I'm finally going to catch the man who took Nate." I also figured that I could find Nate himself. Then again, I didn't want to get my hopes up too high.

He made a sudden stop at some creepy, run-down looking house and shed. Was this where Nate was? I confronted him about the situation and he came clean. This was the man who took my son. I asked him where he was, but he told me that he has escaped just a couple of weeks ago.

I didn't believe a word this man was saying. I told him to take me through the entirety of the house and shed and prove to me that Nate still wasn't here (assuming that he was even here in the first place). I also took into consideration that maybe Nate was dead and buried around the area, but I didn't want to get to that conclusion. It was too much for me.

To my surprise, the man was telling the truth. I gave him a warning, then drove off.

--- 

From outer space
I understand your language now
And I found the perfect person
I bet he's not from the earth
I've bent the ground
Made sounds like tiny gunshots
Got there in the blink of an eye to
Search for the questions we answered

If I could talk
I'd spit out all the poison
That moment of reassurance
From zombies I should never have trusted

Where is he now?
Where is he now?
Show me your team of demons
I'll make your home look like you belong

You say you didn't write the story
I can see the ink pour right through your teeth
You say you didn't write the story
I can see the ink pour right through your teeth
You say you didn't write the story
I can see the ink pour right through your teeth
You say you didn't write the story
I can see the ink pour right through your teeth

coffee stains

-Taken from Jesse's notebook, page 54-

[Maye was found] [11-05-1994]

Today I got a call from the Shannonston Police Department. I truly thought they were going to give me the good news: that Nate was found, but that just wasn't the case. In fact, what they told me was a lot worse than I expected. The body of my wife, Maye, was found in a ditch five towns away from here.

I truly didn't know how to take this. As one would do in this situation, I was in denial. I kept telling myself that it wasn't true. I've been holding off giving Maye's parents a call. They never liked me, but maybe I should put that all aside.

Right now, I'm just in complete silence. The voices from before have disappeared. It feels like complete nothingness is around me.

insect theory

-Taken from Jesse's notebook, page 53-

[Hearing voices] [11-04-1994]

It's been over a month since I wrote in here, but to give an update, things have been the same. Apparently, there are no leads to where Nate has gone or who took him. I also haven't been in contact with Maye. I'm pretty sure she moved out of the city.

Other than that, I'm also still drinking. It's a lot worse than before. I've been seeing things like shadowy figures as well as hearing things like doors creaking. Today, I heard the voices of both Nate and Maye. I grew a light smile. It felt as if they were still here.

---

The footsteps of an angry child
That just had an argument with his mom
The sound still bounces around the walls of this home
Even though none of you are here at all

Oh, how I miss the constant running around
Oh, how I miss the constant running around
Oh, how I miss the constant running around
Please come back and run-a-run around

The door to your room that hasn't been opened in weeks
Leftover rotten food that I've been too afraid to eat
I set up the fishline and have a drink or two
Just to trip and tell myself that it was you

Oh, how I miss the constant running around
Oh, how I miss the constant running around
Oh, how I miss the constant running around
Please come back and run-a-run around

I wanna hear you through the walls
I wanna hear you through the walls
I wanna hear you through the walls
I wanna hear you through the walls
I wanna hear you through the walls
I wanna hear you through the walls

Oh, how I miss the constant running around
(I wanna hear you through the walls)
Oh, how I miss the constant running around
Oh, how I miss the constant running around
(I wanna hear you through the walls)
Please come back and run-a-run around

melting grounds

-Taken from Jesse's notebook, page 51-

[Nate's gone missing] [10-03-1994]

I completely forgot to write this down as a lot has happened today, but I spent most of the evening looking for Nate. I asked around, but nobody would bat an eye to the situation. I felt lost and truly didn't know what to do.

I'm home now and just filed a missing persons report for my child. They told me that they'd get back to me in less than 24 hours. I truly don't know how to take that. I just want to find my son.

Also, my wife, Maye, suddenly left in anger as I told her what happened. I'm alone here now and I'm going to have to wait until the Shannonston Police Department gets back to me.

---

Oh, what am I to do?
I'm so panicked now. I'm breaking all the rules
That I gave you, but it's so different for me
I run into the nearby city and look like a drunk man on the street
Two hands land on my back
I'm forced to turn around
I tell the man what happened
And he opens his ugly mouth
"This is occurring for a reason
I think you should calm down"
Go ahead and tell that to the man
With a sick and dying child

Your words don't mean a thing to me
Your words don't mean a thing at all

I just can't leave this all behind
I know you'll get suspicious when his steps don't follow mine
Around the corner comes the words "did you enjoy?"
And I slowly feel your teeth hide when you fail to hear a voice
And I swear I can explain
Your hands cover your ears, then slowly move to your whole face
I'll do what I can
I'll do what I can

Ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh

Your words don't mean nothing to me
Your words don't mean nothing at all
Your words don't mean nothing to me
Your words don't mean nothing at all

from here to there

-Taken from Jesse's notebook, page 50-

[The park] [10-03-1994]

Right now, I'm at the local park just looking over Nate as he tests out all the new play equipment. The city just got done with putting it all together three days ago and we wanted to see how it was. It's looking pretty good. He's having fun and I'm just relaxing on one of the park benches. I'm taking note that there aren't a lot, but the town doesn't have a big population anyways...

It's quite annoying that they're still doing construction around the area though. They've been at it for months now. The park is a little further from the noise where as the house is right next to it, so maybe this place will be where I stay when I want some peace and quiet.

---

The little bugs and building blocks
Hold me by the hand to join in their conversation
But, I'm fine with the nothingness
A blackened noise. Smile from ear to ear
We've gone to where no one does

Noah Gazmen

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