today 7ts eight twnty 2

hwres 8:22 of a ubndle of trsh
NONe of these mde it out of the dumpp sO SO SO theyre here, in th3 dump( yhats me!) im a rbbish bun bin***


1. deni-zen (0:00)
2. money  makes honey (1:27)
3. feel my heart, flow. feel my blood, love. (3:37)
4. dance, u dunce (5:37)
5. train tracks (7:07)



mag3mix1


i love brakecore breakcore* its rlly good ( icant make breakcore) but noise and SHIT is easy to make I love making garbage <3 ^_^ tbis is v clearly garvbage 



we÷et flesh



tbis isnt breakcore either, I believe¡
ITS MOR3 SHIT :3



product of anxiety


death of fools, UNATCO

I wsh I exstd in a cybr wrld, fry my nrves w/ tech & wires 
id kill 4 a hrrble dgital wrld
deth by ovrload 2 the hghest dgree
mind trn aprt brwsng future prn hgh off future drugs floatng in a sea of future bliss lstning 2 futur elctrnic msic 
or mayb id make a futur homemde bomb & blow myslf up :P
thered b evn lss reason 2 live in a cybrpnk cybr futur wrld, all th imgned ovrsaturation, crime& mega-corporations
wll.. lots of thngs rly, thyd mke 4 a dprssing life...
mayb im biasd (iwan2die already), buut id kms if that wre my wlrd:3 
no amnt of cybernetic enhncments mke up 4 it 
unlss thrs sm rly flames cyber-titties
i wndr...
the trnsition tech probs goes crayz in an altrnat cybrfutur wrld.. 
mega hyprr cybrr estrgen....
idkimtired
 
funny how we find ourselves enjoying media and literature centered around the decline and destruction of our societies 
though, it's likely because of that very fact
some probly find comfort in the fact that their lives are not as rotten as they could be
some probly jst like the aesthetic or the action, & thought is on the backburner when consuming such mediums
I think its a waste to not give the situations some though
Why not imagine it

CybrDeth

 
idk if this is actually DnB
tbh.. idk how mch I care either
all this "U HVE 2 B CRRCT ABT UR LABELING"
ehh.. its 2 mch lolols
I dnt wnna keep labeling it as jst "elctronic"
its v obv nt smply wat i wnna mke
I wnna mke jungle & breakcore & dnb
why cnt i do a lil fake it till i trly mke it
I use breaks, smtimes i chop them, smtimes they dnt need it
wat mre do i do
fckng drumbreak supremacy
i believe i undrstnd the diff between the three, bt still..
idk wht it is I create, i jst do it
i wnt it 2 reach thse audiences, so then i shld label accordingly
hnstly, if u dnt sht the fck up abt sewerslvt like, ur so annyng
so mch "drama" & hte
"sewer ruined breakcore!!! it's dwnhill it's failing breakcote will nvr be gud again"
4 wat
thts rlly fckng dmb lols
ur literally wrng, breakcore is killing it, r u braindead???
idk, anyways 
im lsng my fckng mnd 
gudbyes r never very pleasant
I mean th knds where paths diverge 4ever aprt
its sad, these thngs, tho it can b 4 the best
feel like im running out of time, yet my clock has plenty lft
evrythng is a rsh
I create smth & psh it out immediately
its like overtime on match point, final stretch
it almost feels like that everyday, exhausting final stretches
but its nt, the game hsnt evn strtd, the onl opponent is myslf
i thnk...
im a rtten gal
i do these thngs 2 myslf
im nt srry, & I'll do it again too
tlk abt grwth & improvement, i only grw in crcks in the pavement, im what 1 mght call a weed )nt cannabis)
perhps i do wsh eyes were on me, sometimes they can be oh-s9 pretty, smtmes they mke me feels oh-soo prtty
I love eyes, but I hate when they accuse of me
I hate when they search me 
my motivtions skeweed, ive no idea my own intntions
i jstx wnt 2 knw if im gud enuff, am I gud enuff?
no dnt tell me, i dnt cre hw gud i am
i thnk i wsh i were a lgnd, i thnk im infcted w/ visions of grsndeur
i wnt the adrenaline of fight
i wnt to be bloody & bruised
hehe, too many action games
fnd myslfvtryng 2 escpe this reality 
We're all like tea kettles, or pots of water
im boiling over
the heat is too much, i cnttke it anmore 
pls release me frm th heat
always ppl ask what life is all abt
but I thnk the answer is rght there
life is abt living
thru the wrst & the bst
deth dsnt mtter 
we live to live
nt live to die
& then we fucking DIE
I wmt 2 kill a r4pist with my own two hands i want to kill five hundred of them odclike I'd like it if I got my hands on every single one of them if I ever get the opportunity to meet one fmace to face, smthn violent will hppen
i dnt sound ok LOL!! ... 
too late 4 soundng mntlly sound
Im an unreliable narrator, as they say
im a fckng mutt
but evryonr i meet is a hound, so fiendish & nsty 
i fear im jst as bd as any othr nrml person in this wrld
im jst th same rot
i willnevr escpe
Iw onder if iwill evr become an inspiration 
mayb I'll contribute smth 2 sme1's life for once
nt thst I care..
iwsg i cld create smth id look up 2
ive tried faking it till i mke it, its yet 2 wrk 
I'll nevr b free ZkeLETMEFREE
im trpped w/in these limits 
iqm am a cage d hound 
4 me i thnk its either get put dwn or get out of dodge :3
evn thn, i I am am my own cage, how does 1 free thmslves of thmslves
incssnt barkng thoughts, feel at any moment i may b bitten
head rns wild like a free dog, bt thts prt of wht trps me
what is my key
im nt ct out 4 ths lyf
i cnt do smple thngs, hw am i spposed 2 do cmplex thngs?
its clearly i shld die
i wsnt even brn w/ the rght bdy, im a stpd trans fag
i wnna gt myslf fck i wnna stb myslf in th chst 
i wnn4 get h1t by 4 c4r 
im so full of hate, its engulfs me
im a rttn grl, I belong in the grbge
cmpct me, crsh me dwn & brn me
remove me frm ths wrld
evn writing it dsnt purify it frm my soul
my mnd is clouded & there is no cleansing it
I attempt rest, bt images flsh in my head again & again
i wnt let yself be
i wnt let my thoughts free 
um Freudian slip, yea haha itd be crzy if i actlly wntd 2 b a girl rite bro, ahaha

狂犬

fenghuang
i FCKNG SCK, ITS V CLEAR IVE NO FAITH IN THE QUALITY OF MY CREATIONS
idk im on tht low sleep grind, & i havnt eaten all day & im rlly upst bt 4 an unexplicablr reason (nthing is diff frm any other day)
I rlly shld learn genres...
ik I listen to a lot of diff ones
But the issues is.... which ones r what...
im not a genre scholars,but  I jst mke watevs
idk music theory either lols
im on stage 1, i shldnt be suprised i dnt make very gud things
BUT! i appreciate my efforst this far
I wndr if I shld learn music theory...
ik it's be vry hard 4 m3, itd probs twke a lot for me 2 understand, mayb
1 day I will...
I need 2 rise again
i wnna b reforged & reborn by the fires of my heart & soul
i need 2 b shaped in2 the glorious form i see hiding w/in my shell 
i hpe tht whn i die, my mnd will ascnd & I'll bcome a gr8 spirit with a fierce brning soul 
ths bdy isnt enuff, i cnnt b contained by ths flsh 
a 4evr deth
is tht trly wat awaits me at th ends of my roads?
itd b prtty fckng lame to jst die & stay ded 
bt idr hve any prfrnce,, 
When i die, may my mind become music
May my soul become art
May my heart burn eternal
My blood shall flow
im nt religious
i wsh i cld spnd evry sngle year of my lyfe absorbd in the music
i wnna melt in the sounds, as my consciousness melts too
i wnt 2 4get wht lyfe is.
does any1 feel hw i feel
evn those closest 2 me dnt undrstnd this feeling
do u nt see th glry of creation? 
When I Die, I Shall Rise Again as my Best Self
deth is ecstasy, sbmrge me in the dpths
the drk water take me ashore anew
im nt spiritual 
How long is forever?
Whn we die wll we fnd 1 anothr in whtevr comes next?
will u be there by my side?
ths lyfe hsnt mde me psitive, im sure if theres anythng aftrwrds, it's not vry wlcomng.
but I dnt care abt wht comes next...
we'll get there when we get there
for nw we mst focus on the trials & pain ths lyfe has 2 offer
in th end will it hve evr mattered..?
idc abt tht either
need 2 take ths opportunity 2 live in my image
live like u wnna die or like u nvr will
watevr tht means
i wsh i had a clone of myslf so we could duke it out
tht way, nbdy gets hurt bt me, & she'd wnt the same thng anyway
cuz she's me
evryday i deteriorate a lil more
hold my breath until i cant breathe 
i wsh i cld hurt bad ppl
but FOR WHTEVR REASON it's frowned upon 2 hurt ppl, even if they genuinely dsrve it
lame sh¡t
no antiheroes allowed. alas, this life so bleak, no heroes, but plenty of villains
the number dsnt evn compare, i feel like 
but also i thnk im heavily deluded :3
my brain rtten from dreams of grandeur & visions of freed caged dogs & wshes 4 fiery rebirth
everyday I hear another story abt smth horrible, & the prsn who caused the pain or those horrible things is undeniably free
while the ppl they hurt are caged by the effects tht harm caused
i realize its 2 much 2 have faith in this wrld
i realize its 2 much 2 wish anythng were diff
im plagued by wishes of perfection 
its not gud enuff, it wont be good enuff
i shld stp caring so mch
nthing i can do.., rite?
big pssy of a barely-a-girl 2 care so mch abt smth that isnt evn her prblem,, weighs her dwn
alr wnts 2 die, mke it btter by having opn ears & opn hearts for survivors of horrors
fuck...
trpped in my own srts of cages, hw coukd i hlp anothr opn theirs?
then again,,.. u dnt have 2 be able to see to hlp anothr opn their eyes
8103 u'll nvr cmpare, nvr mke it anywhere 
u'd prbly mke th mst mny shwng ur bdy bare
cuz unlike evry1 else, u dnt seem 2 give a care
may jst try slling urslf cuz theres rlly no talent or success u'll fnd anywhere EVR
ir my wrst enemy & U DNT LEAVE ME B, cllng out2 meinmy headI'dkllmyslf2shtuupfckingcntasf hj th hhhhhhhh&hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhprblyoverreactngurjstprtndngsjfhfijc kll lvkncndbiaofi
#funky drummer
think break
#think about it
#amen break
hasthag fag
llow effrt 
4get I said anything

鳳凰

Drowning In The Depths That Are Your Mind
d0 u trly l0v m3, 0 t3ll me u do, say thos3 t3ndr wrds like thyve nvr b33n sqid b4, shall we wste no time prving our cnnection? 
i wsh to swim w/in the pools of ur person
shw me ur adration, i wld paint th skies prpl to smply see ur fce i would
jst shut up shut up shut up shut up abt all ur issues & ur quarrels & ur ails & ur handicaps & ur & ir
nobdy cares that ur strutgling mz nbdy is gjnna care 8103, 
tear each other apart in attempts to rise above, only to find you're tying yourself down with chains of your own design
we all have enuff vhains as is, must u go adding more? fuckin stupid cunt bitch 🤢🤢
find ur ppl, find ur place, accept tht nobpdu knws u except for u
evn ur own frnds hate ur guts, ur gf dsnt evn undrstnd why u need to "resist nature" 
well she tries to undrstnd
BUT, ya dnt evn have anything in common w/ her L9L 
You're hopeless
even you say it
 but do you really believe that?
no ofc not, yoi jst keep on living, such a slug
u shld learn when to quit, get out while u r ahead
ur life's like gambling
flse hpes, dng it wrng, & ugt shld stp b4 u put to9 mch in
that analogy I'd bad but whatevs....
I guess life's also like gambling in the way that mayb u'll win eventually...
I dn5 like putting faith in luck, hopes, life, or gods 
only thng j can trst is myslf, & evn thn...

I mst become my tru slf, I mst reach my summit
And after that, I must break beyond my limits
I want to be smth I can look up to
ig in the past im not so sure i wouldve wnted this as much as I do
normality just aint enuff, like I gotta push myslf to be some sort of fairy tale I'd be proud of
I thibk ite official, ive list my shit
end of 8103, end of me
Im doing it for just reasons, this is all still abt release.& catharsis 
this is all still about mental health
but it could be more
so enticing, so exciting
im vetti g lots of chips on this hand
i just hope it aint already rigged in favor of the house
Can a genre or artform truly "die" or be "killed"
As long as it had ever existed in the first place, aint a revival of its trueself not impossible?
Guess theres such a thing as kickin a dead horse but

theres always lapses & resurgences & dips & such in all kinds of artforms
When somethin' is "over", it aint really over 
Sometimes all it takes is fresh air, or a breather
Possibility to revive is always present,  I reckon
take the Renaissance for example, massive revival of art
 
can a single person truly be responsible for the destruction of an entire genre or something similar? 
I don't believe so
it takes a group effor,, the wY ci zee ItCan a genre or artform truly "die" or be "killed"
As long as it had ever existed in the first place, aint a revival of its trueself not impossible?
Guess theres such a thing as kickin a dead horse but

theres always lapses & resurgences & dips & such in all kinds of artforms
When somethin' is "over", it aint really over 
Sometimes all it takes is fresh air, or a breather
Possibility to revive is always present,  I reckon
take the Renaissance for example, massive revival of art
 
can a single person truly be responsible for the destruction of an entire genre or something similar? 
I don't believe so
it takes a group effor,, the wY ci zee It
need sleep, need warm hugs & loving kisses PKWASE cuddl w/ me ou mah gah

idk if I'll ever even be like q dragon
I will never compare, nevr make it anywhere
barely a girl, an ugly boy sith long hair 
I hate that word 
boy
I hate that im hardly anything other than a male
not even pretty
not even cute
FUCK YOURSELF
cantcha do a thing else but hate yerslf?
keep runnin' in circles tyin' up ur own feet 
counter intuitive 
what happened to ur ingenuity 
ur motivation 
nothin' but a whisper on the wind, ya are

Swimming In The Ocean That Is Your Body

youll never be a gem, you'll never shine in the sky, a star you'll never be, not even one that's fallen
the sky you may reach for, but the ground is where youll stay 
never will you see the light of day, in the dark is where youll lay
rotting till your end, y9u nasty ugly fuck

I'll take the rest of this space to talk about something that's recently crossed my mind, again, TW abuse
Dissociative Identity Disorder, previously called multiple personality disorder
some people don't even think it's a real thing
There are lots of people that either fake it, or have something similar, like complex ptsd
ofc, it is not my fault, but like one wld apologize for a loss:
I am gravely sorry to anyone that must bear such a condition, and I cannot imagine what you must have been through to ever become afflicted with it...
To have such a fractured mind...
It sounds like fuckin hell, I know its fuckin hell
ex-girlfriend of mine had it
she mightve been a bit of a liar but 
that was cuz of all her mental biz
and I cant imagine going and lying about DID, especially to that degree
if you have DID
youve likely experienced unknowing amounts of abuse.. and trauma..
it makes me hate the world to think such things could even happen, to even know such things happen
NASTY UGLY NONCE RAPIST FUCKS 
I swear i cant take it
I know I aint had the mispleasure of dealin with it personally
My mind aint so fractured with traumas from a young age that it's got to compensate by breaking itself up into different people
I know maybe i do a little thing called "caring too much"
But damn some people just dont care enough it feels like
Damn does it feel helpless movin up the stream in this fuckin world 
Im one lucky fuck, in terms of things
wouldnt be right if I let myself fall
That ex of mine
broke my world apart 
contact with her went on longer than it needed to
but I guess I dnt regret any choices Ive made
somethin' like that
And people puttin' system in their bio and this and that
Hve they truly felt thse pains?
I guess I don't know the full story all the time, I aint all seein 
But damn if trauma and shit aint just treated as some kinda token item by a lotta nasty fucks 
I don't know, maybe im just fighting figures I made up in my head
But Ik people like that exist, can't deny it
dnt wnna discredit real thngs tho

Mayb im deluded as fuck but I just feel like
I gotta fght my way upstream 
Cant let the river take me off my path
seen to many get swept away, and that just aint the kinda thing im fine with happenin' to me
but maybe im just on a different kinda drug
I aint right in the head in some kinda form, aint so outta question I'm mistakin delusion for undying passion & determination 
Always been a fan of dreamin
guess this is just my way to get a bright thought in my head after all the thoughts bout abusive step-dads & shit like that
I wish this world were perfect, because perfection would mean no more neglect, no more this no more that
no mre ugly thghts, no mre violent thghts
Purity at its finest is what it would be
But that just aint ever pssible
No, thats the real pipe-dream
I didnt realize when I names this song that this was what I meant by depths of the mind and drowning 
but damn if aint the perfect description of it
including all the biz bout the ex, its like drowning, these thngs.
Fuck abusers

Drowning In The Depths That Are Your Mind


dunnu wat 2 write
I think this one is interesting but ehh the vox/vocal samples mightve just made it wrse than anything else
the other 2 r better I reckon
I need to do a bit of art, I think whenever I make lots of art, I don't make as much music
when I make lots of music, well I don't make as much art
just the way it is I guess 
need new images & ideas tho...
w/ music the ideas have been n flowing but
I guess with art I need some fresh air, & maybe a bit of a break
lolol
been low on coverarts so I need to keep.usinf  whatevr random animr grl image I have saved

Grasping at the Sky for What Could Be My Spirit

idk...
Chopin - Nocturne op.9 No.2
Puzzle - What She Might Say to Me
Like A Arabesque 






I havnt been myslf recently, k dnt knw what myslf rlly is smetmes
my own thoughts dont feel like my own sometimes
they come from out of nowhere, thoughts I dont think, things I dont believe, things I dont want
I dont know what theyre doing in my head, but they're quite disruptive


im afraid my mntal stt3 is deteriorating as each day passes
im sre frm hre it only gts wrse.
or mayb im q lil pssy btch tht cant hndle smple lyfe
failire of a wmn, so malebrained tht it's dsgstng, i hte ths form
I'll prbs kms b4 long
mght lst 5 yrs at mst, bt im nt so sure
WHAT the FUCK CDR?????
yeesh...
breakcore hate, breakcore plagues 
hard to enjoy smth whn thrs so mch hatred between those who create it 
so much rot
idk it dsnt mtter, wht do i knw

Scraps!! shit rmxes samples (no energy, no soul,,, mm) eoughh how v 2make musik?? need a reburth ble

somethings wrong 
I must have some sort of discrepancy up within this head of mine
I'm not doing the right things 
im not doing things for the right reasons
not thinking the right things
not thinking things for the right reasons 
I keep making mistakes
am I a failure?
I must get away from here
I must find purity within this life lest i wish to rot amongst the rats and the fallen 
I cannot let this happen 
am I really even a tranny? or just a normal faggot man
What even am i 
ugly disgusting fuck
and its not about the looks
it's about my flesh its about my existence
people will say im a good person but oh oh
if only you knew
this rot built up inside of me is enough to turn away even the most gentle eyes
and youxhave no idea
it's hard to feel anything strongly anymore, I think 
its always just anger, im always upset or frustrated
sometimes I cry 
Sometimes I wish I cried more
sometimes I wish I threw up until I died, until I couldnt anymore
but it doesnt make any difference 
wishes dont di any5hing, & im sure nkt gking 2 dk anhthing 
im usel3ss

My Knife is My Pen

ths ws mde w/ u in mnd

Cara Mia Addio - portal 2

im srry its nt gud enuff
thts y its on ths acc
im srry 
im a mega grl failure
 i shld stb myslf in th throat, shldnt i
othr than u, it's all I thnk abt
smtimes its hand in hand, i wnna b w/ u, but ths dstnce mkes me wnna kms
I want to end my self
i wnt 2 kll myslf
it'd b bst if I were gone
idk if I believe that but..
I often thnk it thru
mayb its tru
thngs go rite 4 evn a 2nd & thn smth cmes alng & kcks me 2 th ground & in the mud
& spits on my face
it'd b hot if it wr u, bt it's lfe dng it so i cn nly h8 it
i probsdeserve it... im nt any gud

I lv u, i wsh i cld sy it all dy vrydy
i wsh I ws nxt 2 u
ths wrld, ths lfe, its s crl..
i dnt thnk i'll mke it nywhre
im a wste of spce wh0re obsssd w/ lvng grls i meet nlne 
ur so spcial, I wnt u so bd...
pls cn I b urs
evn if it nds up bng bad, 3vn if we dnt lst 4evr
can I cll u min3
i fl ths way 4 u, & I dnt evn fl rite sayng it 
im sorry 2 u
im sorry 2 me
tht i lve u
tht i cnnt b wht i wnt 2 b
I'd lve u 2 th ends of th earth
but mayb im hopeless..
mayb im obsessed...
idk anymre
I wsh I ws hppy
I wsh we were hppy, in echothrs arms
I wnt to die I wn 2 die I want to die
all this anxiety all this wrry
pls wnt any1 save me? 
for I doubt I cn sav my slf
im wrnn out & useless
I cnt hlp u, or ny1 els
wrthless idiot 
im dsgstng
blck me & nevr spk 2 me... please..
for ur sake, 4 mine
i cnt bear ths
I dnt evn fl lk tlking 2 any1 nymre
I'll jst bcome a neet w/ no friends, no job, no fytyre, no lfe
a lot of thse thngs r bsiclly alr cmng tru

i h8 my body I hate my hairline I hate my nose I hate my face I hate my chin I hate my jaw I hate my shoulders I hate my upper body I hate my stomach I hate my eyebrows I hate my chest I hate my sides I hate my arms I hate hair I hate my lips I hate my front I hate my back I hate it when im referenced as a male I hate it I hate it I hate it
i would rather be dead
i shld just stay a man and get over it filthy fucking faggot I should gut myself and let what's within spillllllllllll mmmmmmmmmm
I should just tear my body apart and burn 
I hate my legs i hate my thighs i hate this 
I shld b grateful yk, ppl have it worse!!!
I shld jst get ovr it
whtevr
I shld jst gt it ovr with
its clear I was a mistake
i am a mistake
I dont belong in this wrld
it dsnt wnt me
i dnt wnt it
i shld jst do it alrdy
i cn imagine it now.. 
blood so warm
death is probs cold but at the same time
so so releasing
so so warm
its like coming in from the cold that is life
and bathing in the warm life that is death

hw lng do I hve 2 wait
he lng until it mght hppn 2 gt bettr?
when?
im tryng so hard....
is it evn enuff
am I jst lying 2 myslf
am I jst a lazy fat piece of ugly rotten garbage ?
so many questions & not nearly enuff answers
so many worries & not nearly as many reassurances 
so much wrong
& it all lay within me
my own self is the problem 
those around me r the problem
always bugging me so constant frequently
so pathetic 
spout a lot of sh^t 4 some1 so fuckint stpid


{L}-[(c)][{a}][(r)][{ri}](y)[{on}] (scrap)


erm I took these from worldcorp...
sacklog1
aleught startr
alright it may be hard to rmemeb there was the stuff befor this wit the 7 d9llar pretzel but th th and the mystery but 
whe 
here I ii remebr what  
 keep going
ii remember ii remember going out of this house tha was like made og garbage and ii it was in like the middleof like this giant like... mud like jst dude just like mud everhwehre I say it was it was in like a landfill but it was an mpty landfill and there was an abandoned li parking gsrage nearby and something somrthing fell aparti i remember that.. something fell apart or broke and then there's a wall separating my like mud boat or whatever ir was from from the abandoned building and th and something opened where I opened it and then
I there was something significan...  i thinkthere was a buncha like poor black kids rushing for the thinf that fell apart or like fell down in the parking garage I think I was gunna go towards it but I didnt and then I left I kept going ipwa4ds it was like made of concrete and kept going upwards and i turned left and then i urned right into like an slope that's going upwards and there was like a party aha
hahaha
there was a ahaha
there was a party and um and theres a buncha girls at the party and then i a and then that thing that gappened  everyone left to go back to like the house or no they were all in houses
I show up and an it was like in like th 1800's or something or they looked like they ere in the 1800's like they ere dressed like rhat
was it like an 1800's style party?
no no, it was a it was a 2000's style party snicker
heh and all that else ? 
word art
that uh and an and then they were all running back to their hosues and i went to a house heh even though I. didn't live there and then i found someone's mom o I think iwas going to their house with them not the mom like the persons 
hahahah
um and and then their mom locked me in a room 
hahahaha.. was the mom was the mom dressed like an 1800's person?
no she was dressed in a normal style
ok
thatw asnr significant enough for me to remember and I think the room had like a transparent door or something cuz there was  like a phone in it there was a phone it was very small there was a phone in it, a bed ym the phone was on a table with a lamp on it um tber ewas a nice rug i think I was truing to think of a way to escape I remember that the door was open3d in some wayand I just cpuldt heheh for 5 minutes I was just like as the mom turned i was just like walking behind her and uh I went back in the room for some reason and then she wanted tomake a deal with me like I think It was smth abt technology she was like you smetng about uh these abt me or like kids or somthng or save technology n like yeah you can help me eith this if you help me with this i can let you goI think I said yes oh yeah I need to shppng real quick 
hahaha wrf 
to buy som i Don't rmemeber what I had to buy and then I went to the shopping place and I remember there being a huge parking lot and I rmemeber it was in the store but that's it
nice 
sacklog2 
I wke up n th mudle of the nite an I js flt  lke smth ws wrng i jst flt i jst jst smth felt odf n cldnt completely tell what it wasa t frst bt it jst jst sth ff felt wrg n I jst Iii kew what area it wa was in and it i was completely panicked nd in panic I reach3d dwn in bwten my lgs and I had two dicks
I I qas i was terrifiee I don't know why I wqs I was scared I didn't know wht ws toing on and I jst ii hst I waw panicked and then I i strtd to clm dwn ad thn u heard... smth I hear d smth in the hallwa and then an and i it jst it eas ust errifyng  i ws hst a I was a kittle kid.. it was jst vad.. an then tht thats th3 3nd
were rhey erect?
no

inhibition suicide (carryon)

th path 2 clarity is cloudy, though its call is clarion

clarion

Alice in cyberland 
such competition, a track everyday
oh it's so easy to make these things its si easy cant you cant you cant you get the uptake canr you get it up cant u perform canr you make like we do cant we do it better y r u slacking lacking spineless back useless sad sack ugly fucking fag  
they donr say tht bt it feels lke all ths weight even the things I love to do the things I want to do they make me want to kill myself they make me feel lesser I feel like I cant do it better I bet im lke a bunch of butter the eay im slacking and melting an fucking slugging it makes me shudder looking in the mirror and everytime I open my eyes I cant see a bit clear I wsnt to Rip my eyes oht I j I can take it take it take and then I crumble like some kind of cookie im a fumble a waste a loss somr kind of spectacle like im stapled to a cross some kind of skeptical thought process paranoid emotional android feels like I mighr collapse feels like I mighr not be real I dont see the living appeal I think id be brtter off dead I hope soon my story ends but hoping is a waste when you can speed it up yourself cut my neck let it bleed my good my bad let it finally be freed fragile bitch fragmented mind mood a fragmentation grenade type, the shrapnel spitting skin splitting execution chair sitting mental teeth gritting pitch hitting anger thats bitter like a bad bit of butter, she's better off betting her life on an operating table operated by a 5 year old who canr even play operation, shes got no occupation, occupied hating her nation hating the modern expectations the expenses the blood sucking soul extraction, the heart dampening skill hampering big wig old head pampering oil spill oil rig rigged system work to the grave to dig your own grave situations so grave murder death war shes a sad sap she cant get over the facts, cnt get a grip cant stop someone giv her a slap tell her it wont get no better tell her she'll have tk deal with it tell her that's just the world, life, humanity you should be glad you should be grateful, you should be happy, your life is full of food, clothes, and vanity first world problems but the world's full of problems so forget this but also forget that too im sure thatll help if its a problem that could somehow be seen as lesser then dont even try to fix it dont even think about it dont think about it Dont think about why things are happening or why people think this way or that or why you think or anything because it doesnt matter go to work go to school and forget that you care any bit at all get tough be strong be pretty be small do this do that and cram this remember that learn it to forget it we'll be worth just enough to give you some sense of worth learn how to read learn the timetables division and then continue to walk forward in our vision while we screw what stood and what will stand up so that as you walk ahead its just a little bit harder but that way its much better line of entry smaller gate smaller sure thatll sift through whos smarter pay your way to a better live but if you cant do that I guess youll just have to pave your way and still never make it past, just end up falling through the cracks but who cares right thats a first world problem, you should be caring about things in other places so far so distant step back five paces you should look in the looking glass you should suck up to the upper class seriously go touch some grass enjoy it while it lasts before you end up in last breaking your back so that maybe youll be able to enjoy the green again so maybe youll huddl herd w/ the masses never wanna go back go to work make a stack get paid less than some othr ass but he didnt rly ask, born white and male, lcky cnt but dnt h8 him.. 
im sure if he could hed let you be paid more im sure hes a gentleman im sure hes human even if hes taught to be stonecold and inhuman, rude, violent, womanizing and uncouth so uncool systemic boundaries borders rules and orders 
wsh my sounds compared to my mental

7|-|3 1315/757 |-|34127 71nn3

bella disorder
I kp mkng jnk, & tbh im mkng it nly s i cn hv a plc t pt thse wrds n tndm wth smth art, msc 
i kp trng 2 ascnd wht ive dne, I keep trng to ascend myslf, bt im so rstrctd 2 rhs hmn & wrldy frm
i cn hrdly tll whts bd flngs n whtd gd bc thy all blnd 2gthr its all mntl slp its ll wrd grbg 
i kp trng, bt evrhtn flls thru, i shld jst gv up it flls lke
ds ny1 actlly cre abt ny1, s ths wrld nt s cruel in sm prt f it? whre cn i fnd ths prt? wre cn i fnd m snctry, my hme, my peace
my heart
ds ny1 fl tht wy, d u fl ths wy?
id sy ur nt aln bt i sre fl i am smtms, vn w/ ppl who sy tht...
trthflly u r alne & ll u cn do is fite fite fght evrydy to b hppy ntl u cn fnd tht solution
ths msc is so ld, nt loud enf
its fckng jnk, its gd msc, its bd msc
it's lke my head, there's evrrhtng & nthng within it all at th same time
im sm knd of nutcase, basketcase, headcase
its case by case on a basis, ive no case for my constant irregular mental status, my musical, my artistic, my emotional stasis
every which way everyway everyday i think thats called a mental issue maybe i should take it to th doc and maybe i would if it wasnt time and money maybe i would if i could if it were easy if i wanted to take forever what a fucking waste im such glory i cant let myself fall and i must prove im so i must prove im so im im
obviously an unreliable narrator can't listen to a word my thoughts flutter back and forth like the wings of a bird up and down left right all the ways you can im bouncing around barking barking incessant like s9me kind of hound cab someone please just stomp my skull into the ground I know I wont 
it must be obvious im only whining crying pining signing words to blind people speaking unheard words to the herd in my head the eyes gleaming with hungry festering lighr looking st me through the lookingglasses and covering my sight and might with gasses and smoke and fog putting me on ball and chain like they were pigs, hogs like im some kind of ugly bitch dog melodramatic, neruotic, some sort of pathic following no straight paths and if there's any they're very narrow very small keep running into things pushing my wheelbarrow of baggage luggage so empty so full its all there but nobody could see it If they tried unless they tried 
even now im so afraid, to ask for help, to ask for aid, though ive asked before and I continue to ask, to beg to beg to hope im heard, yet still I fear, still I stay sitting still I stay near all the things that steer me to no longer want to be here and I couldn't leave them if I tried for it feels like the only real solution is to hide, to wake up to be told that in my sleep I'd died 
it's like life is the issue and there is no tether, no tissue to gather my every rolling tear everytime I dissappear they'll tell me "I missed you" and sometimes I say I missed me too
I'm afraid to write and be seen as lesser seen as unwell though maybe im both, at the very least unwell, not the best 
I'm afraid to tell people, even those i dnt know and it's such a pain, these societal chains, these walls these rules, these things we've been told, the things we don't realize 
to me this world is covered in some kind of mold
it feels oh so cold, I don't want to live, nor grow to be a shriveled old soul, but still I continue to hold, not even because I'm searching for some kind of life of gold
I guess it's just that ive not let go
qhn cn I sy gdbye 
whn do I gt 2 die
I nevr asked to live I nevr wnted to be born
why must I endure
and why do I believe in staying in some way
its a waste why cant I be buried in a grave why cant i just lay my heavy head down my heavy heart so filled with hate my mind so filled with these nasty thoughts of mine why cant I rip.them from their roots and let one bullet shoot cant I just get the boot kick the bucket say fuck it , my life why cant I chuck it 
tell the world im living in to suck it
even though I know it wouldn't budge
im a waste of mud
but maybe that's stupid, im stupid
but maybe I'm wrong

shs chckng hr ys 4 sgns f prfctn


santeria
rest in peace 1968-1996
no gud tbh, but i jst tbrow thngs at th wall
I need some practice 
cant chop proper methinks
breakslop 
i imagine I cld do it better but.. idk
I just hope it's not desecration 
sampling is appreciation but appreciation must be hard to visualize, represent I guess
soon I'll be making bettr, & when i do ur gnna know all abt it
cnt keep myslf down forevr
I'll make it

what I really wanna say I cant define (idkscrap)

breakcorebreakcorbreakbreakbreak
I need me a break man cuz I think everyway I'm gonna turn and am turnin I think im runnin straight right into the ground into a big ole brick wall and rhats unhappiness and that's depression and limitations and man I hate beun human always wishing I was somethin I aint wish I was born somethin other than what i am wish I was never born at all in fact 
limits of distance, cash, expense
Cost of living cost a lot and I dunno if it'll cost anything less than the loss of life man
I think im gonna cut my throat and my losses because im afraid I'll never cut it in this life 
it would be a favor to forever act in fervor by finally finishing off my flaming fiery slf 
Evn angels cry, jesus hmsef was nailed 2 a cross 
thats all youll get out of livng 
Im nt religious, if I was I'd b rtrdd 
I hate seein those fuckin crosses and dumb ass shit
Jesus loves you j3sus 
I dont need his damn love 
I love me and mine and everyone is mine 
in fact I might just be christ himself
I wouldnt be a damn bit happier if I had some sky father FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
Haha
everytime I get talkin bout this I dont wanna die half as much
Theyre wrong theyre wrong and im gonna prove it by sticking it out till I explode in some train terminal
crown of thorns nails in the arm
Preach what's good preach what's holy but the rot is so rotten that it infests religion
pretend it doesnt pretend it's fine
sure thing
under the spell, walking on earth is feelin like hell
Capitalism so strong that even anticapitalism and liberalism and such is sometimes even just a method to promote your capitalism, to promote your position to get more wealth to get more followers
World full of rot and worms
And you could be the greatest person and still get burnt to a crisp
What a bleak fuckin life, is the way I see it but man really I aint seen a thing I cant see enough and really the truth is I wont stop till I see all I can till I drop dead or im stuck in a can man I cant get enough of not getting enough of not
aint nothin perfect, that's the truth 
but man couldnt it be better?
why settle for less why settle for the least cant we wish for most yo cant we clean our hands of what's gross yo
Everyone wants to be on top
everyone on top wants no one but them to be on top 
some peeps fight to equalize but what you dont realize is that they just wanna be on top too
power struggle, heart smother
Child is as blind as the mother
hate knows no bounds, it's like no other
but man love is a strong contender I try to be the best friend of many but maybe it's just to stall the thoughts of hate the thoughts of harm maybe ots just to hide what's within my mind
or maybe it makes me happy to make people happy or it.makes me happy to talk I hope I can change their hearts change their minds leave an impact do something good
maybe then I can blow my fuckin brains out
but who knows
as a natural state its like im takin tokes off a blunt
blowin smoke from my ears nose and mouth
high as a kite but never did inhale
breath shaky breathing in the fumes sickly as flaky paint breathe in the plumes particles small and rough like every bit of sand dunes and damn dude this shit is glassing me the way its so hot this shit is gas it would be gassing me if I were in the shower right now
guess I say too much say,throw,go too far speak further than my spit speak further than my fists but I do love walking im sure my fists could meet my words if I kept at it im sure if I was heard all that matters would be my words words are better than spit I reckon, by quite a bit
sickness in my throat everything plugged up like the holes of a boat, barnacles growing on the outside turning to a buncha batcha coral i think im turning infernal rotting to my core my crew too rotting falling to pieces 
im nothing of note but I think im rather odd but to you im sure thats nothing interesting to you im sure you'd not like to know me
most people wanna bottle me up and throw me, or thats jst what I hope they want


TearsOfAngels!!!!

I h8 mi body I hate moi
when I look in th mirror I see unfamiliar eyes peering back at me, dead soulless gray eyes, and they speak hateful words about what they see
these are not my eyes
this is not me, they say
you are not me and you do not belong in my reflection 
I hate every piece of you, rip me out and free us from the sight, they tell me
they tell me to tear my flesh because they cannot bear the sight of it, and I too cannot bear it
my skin feels so bare, I feel exposed even with layers and layers and layers
hiding is not forever
hiding does not hide thee from thyself 
it's hard to feel, it's hard to discern my hate for myself, because I know I show it outwardly, I know I feel the jealousy, I know I feel the envy
i know i don't feel right, and that's all I know
the rest I write as if they are not feelings of my own
I have a headache but I won't do a thing abt it bc at least now I have something that hurts, something I can feel
later I'll take the knife that's by my bedside and try to give me more to think about, more to feel
but I will be disappointed because I know it wont hurt forever
because I know it won't seep forever 
I'll boil my pot of water over and over but I know the tea will drain
I know I cant let it steep forever 
I wish I could sleep forever
I wish I had to sleep, never 
I wish beneath the floor were spikes and I has a lever so send my disheveled shell into sharp pains and depths like hell
I am selfish I am rotten I am rude I am failure I am mean I am downer I am a loomer
im a hanging thundering raining cloud and all I touch cries and cries and drips and there is none which can appreciate me if you stand tall stand in the open I wish to strike you I want to cut you down I want your limbs severed I want you shocked i can't take it I can't bear it is that really how some thibk I am
no no no no no no no its not it's not but I think I think it sometimes and I think some treat me as if I am I must be scum I must be doing something wrong dont you think? I dont think so 
I can feel my headt beating in my chest like drums like fierce drums I can feel it thumping and slamming i can feel my brain burning and my skull churning things are turned to butter my blood turned to wine I think I feel like dying yet I feel fine
it's not something I feel
it's just something i thibk
those are different im sure
I want to Rip my face off, this I feel I want to take my eyes and pop them I want to cut my neck and hang myself to dry I don't want to keep doing this I hate sleeping, I hate waking up and I'd rather do neither or only one 
I don't want to waste time being awake
I don't want to waste time sleeping
everything is a waste and I'm the bin I stick it in
I've no words I've no energy I keep seeing scenes of past play out
I thibk im having fun
I think im making life my bitch and I think I could never get killed and put in a ditch
sometimes I feel like im going to die very soon
and not in a suicidal way 
I just thibk im going to die and something is going to kill me
I keep looking over my shoulder and all I can see is myself 
I keep looking at the floor for cracks and splinters, but all I see are my shoes tied together, and all I do is walk into walls
I cover my face with my hair, I don't want to see the light 
I don't want my face in the light
I cant see a thing, but I guess i asked for this
I walk the halls I walk the streets and im like dead girl walking 
im like specter phantom autism spectrum
I can't take it
I can't take their eyes I want to kull them when they look my way 
I dont think thats true but oh imagine taking those beady eyes away
then they'd be as blind as me 
ain't that fortunate 
sometimes i walk into walls and im still the brightest bulb in the room, but maybe it's no fair to compare fluorescent to a star 
Im fluorescent as they come
I hate fluorescence fluorescents 
I'm hungry
I'm craving meat im craving flesh I coukd eat meat all day I just want to bite into something raw, cold, juicy, bloody
can I get a bi


I hav headachez, cn. u  please fuck my ears? make it hurt make it hurt make it hurt make it hurt mak

VESTIGE02(10/4-14/22) 
after so long of gazing within every others life 
thinking my mind would be safe from strife 
nothing went well, nothing stayed the same 
me and my way of life are all I have to blame

i played a silly game and got cut with a knife
id surely be divorced by now if sanity were my wife
its all splattered drops of red on the tiles clean white 

its eleven fourty five at night 
ive long lost my mental might
and im in process of losing mind
im still losing all I once called mine 
I'll say Im okay but I'm not even fine
do away with positive and repeated line

im running out of time, getting tired of lying
im waking up in grime, wired to keep tryng 
got too close to the sun while flying
falling to the earth with wings fired and frying 

I tried carrying others weights, and it only furthered my pain
it only took the loss of my mind to find a method to explain
through all thats happened, its been so hard to stay sane
ive got a major migraine, i cant walk straight, so stay in ur lane because ive got no cane 
my senses are dulled, my energy is drained
my skull is hollow, and my breaths pained 

maybe ive been blind
ignored the lights shining behind
let myself fall through and lose mind 
looked for everything with nothing to find

Since then Ive fallen into a deep psychosis
nothing has helped, not even my catharsis
friends keep telling me "thats kinda low bar, sis"
post-people keep saying "nothing new so far, miss"
 
im getting really sad, really mad
about up to here ive been had 
pop pills willy nilly, it's really bad
Life's a silly lad, he'll rip apart your lilypad 
like a hill-billy, or a creep slip-up step-dad 

I'll hop away like a gentle frog 
and bite back like a feral dog 
or roll around in muck like a hog
I can almost see through the fog
i need a lil oil on a many rusty cog

I walk the same circles, im sorry for all my repetition 
i talk through the same hurdles, give me some recognition?
long ago we turned the key, again its time to spark the ignition
our problems will resume to assume a higher position

Im tearing out my hair 
because im in despair 
sometimes it's hard to care
Give me some time, please dont stare 
a moment of content is real rare
everything sucks, this world aint fair
attest normality and formality i do dare 

Please wont my pain ease
Jeez, i cant ever appease 
knees weak, i wont ever please 
Trees burning but i feel a breeze
Sleaze churning, i hope they freeze
Keys turning, come stop the tease
tea's, lots of me's, will it be my own hand that frees?

blood drips on the white suit 
little sips of some passion fruit 
touch my lips or give me the boot?
c'mon love, send me on a new route
i always think of you, & how you're so cute 

now ive got a heavy headache
my entire life is at stake 
i keep moving for whose sake?
can i catch a break before i break
im suicidal, i wish my life were fake 

everything has a strange feel
everything is way too real
god endorses you to rape and steal
god enforces the rules but allows all to appeal
c'mon, god, what's the deal?
no response, are you too unreal?
it'll all be okay if you just kneel

its been a long time since I felt truly alive
now i spend each day just trying to survive
its mid-day now, but still eleven fourty five
im insecure and impatient, I beat around the hive
im already drowning, so lets take a dive
[2/22/24] It hasnt been a while, but maybe it has been a bit.Somedays I find a way to smile, even through the small depressive hole i can barely fit my hand into.Many things are different, many things are new, I've managed to forget some degree about you. My life is better, just as bad, and worse, this much is true.New friends, new challenges, and some of the same, life is still anything but tame. Only now can I feel it, only now do I see
I hope you've made it to shore, and not still stuck at sea.I hope you've ppl to miss you, and tbh im happy that those people arent me. if youve met end, then I'll hold your funeral in my head, goodbye again friend

you wish

Cold steel eyes, heart dull as stone past all the lies  
break free from my shell and trust my steps, going face first, care-free, right back into this hell 
Every church bell chime every word just another thing to sell 
All encroaching, capitalist cronies cashing out their chips profit poured into their cups, poked holes into barrels of hope and gleaming eyes just looking for some reason for the pain and demise 
Fuck it tho, cuz im on the rise
I'm the dragon to be chased
don't need to be graced, I'll walk my own pace and still finish the race
Stories all tortoise and the hare, when really the game aint fair 
The slow get burnt and the fast get cooked nice n' rare 
Rushing through life is the forced path, dont enjoy your nights, dont enjoy your time
Go to wake, sleep up, walk the same slothing line
All the light sucked out, leave ya stuck in the void, yuh, all thats established feels some kinda blight, and I aint so sure that I've still got the might to fight 
Even if I mighta once had it right 
Even if I were the dragon to be chased
Do I really got what it takes?
Everyday i awake, im further convinced doing so is a mistake
If i were happy I sure wouldnt miss this ache 
The bad gives reason for the good, so they say
But damn if the bad is everyday, even when it's good, what's really good?
Bid my blood goodbye, bandaging up these bad moods, cover low feelings with my hoodie sleeves
leave the blade by the bedside, save it for later, prolly for another late night under the moon
savor the current burn, cause before long it'll turn back to scars and skin, physical memories of the harm and grim things 
as if the mind dont remind enough, as if this rough life dont tell us over again how it's been so tough
Bite my lip, stave off the tears
please board my ship, im here tied to my own mast, 
im on that low tier, so much for the master of the staff
i hope no one sees, i laugh.. but please can you save me?
same song on repeat, replay to hear what I feel, to feel I'm not alone, make sure I know its real
your music feels like home but I doubt you'll ever know
every single look I take in the mirror seems a little bit off
like I aint seeing clear, like my face aint there 
like.. who is he? im no male.. thats a shore I've long set sail from 
its like it isnt even me looking back through the looking glass, like it's the face of someone looking through a window at  who they want to be their future
thats the face of someone I wanna leave in the past
sometimes I wish I could blast it to pieces
Bout each time I close my eyes, all that comes to mind is thoughts of my demise
My matter feelin numb, only gray from the frost bite, these bones got me cold, i think theyre made of ice 
Everytime I try to break myself
I just dont seem to shatter right, there's no going broke, like I got some kind of wealth
Yet still I got bad health, life sure wants me to melt
At speaking im rusty, my throats covered in dust
Its like I put my chords on the shelf and tangled em in cords before they left 
Its daily occurrence the way I get relentless visions of violence and fights
Them notions hang round my neck when its bright, dark emotions sit by my bedside when I turn out the lights, man this shit is nonstop every night
Im feelin constant fright
Sometimes it makes me wish it were a rope around my neck, climb up to the crows nest then hit the deck
Got sailors yelling man what the heck, yo what the fuck 
"duck n cover!" in a sec the captain's roasted, buttered, dead and covered, she's peking duck hanging to be dried 
before she was a shuck, now she's thin crisp & tight, holy cow, oh wow, see that's some skin 
Ring the bell!! Come and huddle, observe the rubble! the ugly fag whore grew some wings, fell from her shell, got herself sent to hell
the unwell gal who wanted to cuddle as a pal
master of the booze guzzle, full of trife and crisis
Im stuck in a puzzle and it's been that way since before life and livin stopped feelin nice

put my chords on the shelf and tangled them in cords before they left

i rsh musik bcuz ut giv3s m3 smthng 2 f9cis ob, i probly sh9ldnt posr any of t hi s byt qhatevet 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️
sme thngs 2 call me r:  8-love / octo-love, onlinegirlslover / ogl

the acc is a rubbish bin 💔🪦

amen br34k break
think break think😵‍💫

 I LOVE BREAKCORE I LOVE DNB I LOBE JUNGLE I LOVE FNNY ELECTRONIC MUSIK🤢

🪱 i thnk eating wrms is a plausible aside-gig/hobby o dnt thbk u shld look at me with sch dsgst evrytme i entr th room jst bc ima wrm eating mstr, like dnt blamr me 4 the akllset i found 4 myslf like watch ur eyes i dnt lke ur gaze, i hate u too, bt leave my wrms out of it
um yea, i hve brain parasites, but ur a humab parasite plz ext th premisses immdiatly 
thts nt tru, my brain is SO normal, but it is tru tht ur fkcng scum leave my earthwrms alone!!!
theyr ymmy, slimy, & noodle like, whts nt 2 love?pay me 2 dig in ur yard 4 critters I'll slve a pest prblem w/ my MOUTH😋

I wll fckng kl uou
religion is retarded, all godly figures shall commit suicide🥶

anxiousfagg-y/tgirl(onlinegirlslover)810<3

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