shared on april 14, 2012 at http://www.oneighty.hk

Hi! I moved to Hong Kong almost a year ago to be with my parents. I'm passionate about using photography as a tool to meet people, and build relationships with them and hope to glorify God in the process. As much as that area of my life is a part of my story and a testimony of God's provision, I really want to share my testimony of how I came to know God and how He changed my life right before I moved to Hong Kong.

I'm going to take you guys back to 2003. At this time I would tell people that I’m not religious, I had some friends who were Christian but never heard anything about God. This was the year I started university in San Diego where I met my first serious boyfriend. We had a very close group of friends that all got along. My friends and I can all attest that he is an amazing person and we loved each other, our relationship was smooth sailing, we hardly ever fought. Having been together for 6 months I felt ready to have sex with him and since he had been with one person before his relationship with me, I asked him to be tested for STDs, just to be on the safe side. I had never been with anyone else before so it wasn't necessary for me to get tested. Fortunately his test results came back all negative. Now we can fast forward a bit to April of 2007, the year I moved to Los Angeles. At the time College Boyfriend and I had been together for almost 4 years. There was a point in the relationship where, if he asked me to marry him, I probably would have said yes. However, after moving to LA things didn't go so well and we tried to make it work but it was difficult with him still living in San Diego and me working unpredictable and long hours, not as long as i-bankers here, but still long! While we were struggling emotionally and trying to resuscitate our relationship I started to feel physical pain. You know when you get a certain sickness for the first time, for example if you've never had the flu before. You start out with a sore throat, maybe sneeze a couple times. It doesn't feel like a big deal, so you leave it untreated. Eventually, it gets worse and then you realize, "okay I have the flu, I should go to the doctor". Well something similar happened to me. I was feeling uncomfortable when going to the bathroom, and the condition worsened until I was bedridden because it was too painful to sit or walk. Of course, I’m going to go and self diagnose on WebMD.com! I looked up all the symptoms and they all pointed to one thing. 
Herpes. 
But how could that be possible? His tests came back negative. 
Did he have sex with someone else since he got tested? No way, he would never cheat, I trusted him and knew he was not that type of person. 
Is there a way I can contract it besides having sex? It's unlikely, as I found out on forums online. 
A lot of emotions went through my mind…at first it was disbelief and denial. I ended up going to the doctor and they confirmed that it was herpes and gave me medicine to treat it. The doctor told me it wasn't life threatening, but it's not curable, and there are drugs that can suppress the symptoms. Turns out, College Boyfriend had been carrying the virus all along but men can be carriers and never experience any of the symptoms. Also for this particular STD, there is chance that during the test, herpes can result in a false negative. Anyway, my physical pain went away after taking medication but now I saw myself as "dirty" and every other stereotype that people have about someone with an STD. People with STD's are promiscuous, I had only been with one person! How could this have happened to me? Why me? I was worried what people would think, would anyone want to be with me, how could anyone look past it? I could barely look past myself. I ran through a lot of scenarios in my head and my friend came over to talk to me about it and said that maybe there's a silver lining in the whole situation. But it was difficult to see any through all the emotional and physical pain. College Boyfriend and I broke up up shortly after this, but not as a result of it. I didn’t think to turn to God, it didn’t really cross my mind as an option. I dealt with it on my own and with the support of friends. I read books about the virus and researched online for a couple months until I got tired of thinking about it and tried to put it in the back of my mind. I went back and forth between feeling completely unwanted and thinking that if someone were to not want to be with me solely because of this, that I was better off without them anyway.

For a long time I distanced myself from dating, thinking that only people in the same situation were eligible and would be able to empathize. I did end up meeting a couple people but I was never in committed relationships with them, but still had sex with them after telling them about the herpes.

There was one person who I met, The Actor, who was Christian and tried to share his faith with me. He was looking to date a Christian but we got along well, spent a lot of time together, and were sleeping together and he ended up living with me almost 5 days out of the week for nine months but we were not in a relationship. He was struggling with finances, health, his relationship with God, and I ended up being the person who provided emotional support, food, and sex. The only moment of closeness between us was when we slept together and that was so temporary. Every time this happened he felt extreme guilt and shame before God, that I didn’t understand. I knew what we were doing wasn’t right because we weren’t in a relationship, but we were satisfying our needs. I thought I was helping him by supporting him in those areas but it was unhealthy for both of us. Eventually I was able to take a step back and look at the situation, and I told him we couldn't see each other anymore.

The person I met after that, The Swede, was almost headed in the same direction. When we first met he asked me if I could recommend any churches in LA that he could go to. I told him about two different churches that my friends, Julia and Christian, went to. I had gone to church before with my best friend and I liked listening to the sermons. They were like the self help books that I read in terms of talking about hope, faith, that everything happens for a reason, and to be conscious of working on your life in a positive way. But when the pastor would talk about God or scripture, I couldn't relate. I didn’t know who God was, or understand how I could have such a personal relationship with Him. I would actually time my arrival to church slightly before the end of worship, because I just didn’t know what to do with myself during worship, it wasn’t comfortable singing love songs to a God I didn’t know or believe existed, and what were people doing with their hands? I kept mine in my pockets. The Swede and I spent a lot of time together in a short period of time and eventually slept together once. Shortly after that happened, he told me that we should talk, so I was excited. I thought "We're going to define the relationship, he's going to ask me to be his girlfriend!". We sat down and he apologized for his past actions, and wanted to respect and honor me by being honest and having this conversation. He told me that the way that he was acting towards me wasn't fair and that we shouldn't continue because he couldn't provide me with what he thought I deserved, he wouldn’t be able to meet my needs in a committed relationship. He shared that he needed to get himself in a healthy place and get his life in order before being in a relationship. This took me by surprise because he acted in a way none of the guys before him did, he was righteous, honest, and not trying to fulfill his own desires at my cost. I was curious to know what set him apart from College Boyfriend and The Actor, and other men I had met. What compelled him to respond to the situation that way? He was cutting himself off from pleasure that I would have freely given, and didn’t want to be together because he cared about my well being? I told my friend Christian, who happened to be the friend who went to the same church as him, about what The Swede said. Christian told me the sermon the past Sunday was about relationships, and that it sounded like he applied what he heard in the message, to our situation. This was the first time I was so directly and clearly affected by the way someone acted based on their religious beliefs and their relationship with God. I jumped at the opportunity to listen to the sermon online. The message started by talking about mistakes that men and women make in relationships. One piece of advice was for men who may disappear after starting a relationship to avoid uncomfortable situations suggesting that they have an attitude toward a relationship where you strive not to treat somebody wrongly and think of the situation for their benefit. Regardless of what the woman has sorted out about her needs and desires, the man should to be polite, thinking about her and willing to offer her protection throughout the situation. The message spoke a lot of truth that was reflected in The Swede’s actions, which made me want to listen to the rest of the series and caused me to evaluative my love life, and my life in the process.

I realized that during this time, while I felt fine in every area of my life; work, finances, family, and friends, the only area of my life that was lacking was having a partner, being in a relationship, and the needs that are filled in that; intimacy, having emotional support, being loved despite my flaws. I was seeking those things, and sex seemed to be the way I could have them, at least temporarily in that moment. But every time I searched and thought I had found someone, my needs weren't completely fulfilled, but the guys sexual needs were . It was the only area of my life that I didn't know how to make better, the only area that I couldn't plan. I clung on to the chances of that gap being filled to any degree.

During this time of searching, many of my close friends were Christian, one of my best friends, Julia, became a Christian, and I was able to see how God was changing them and transforming their lives. I had opportunities to hear about what God was capable of, and invitations to attend church with The Swede and Julia. I looked to church for direction in regards to relationships and sex. I would download podcasts and listen to them while driving alone to Vegas to visit my grandparents and be weeping while driving because I was hearing about how God knows every single bad thing I was ever going to do, every bad thought, every bad decision, every bad action, but he still loves me unconditionally. I learned that we are all his sons and daughters and he cares about the way we treat each other. So if I believe that Jesus died on the cross, then all of these things that I’ve been hearing about God are true? That he loves me just as I am and he doesn’t see me as, Carmen the girl who has herpes who has made bad decisions, who has been used, who doesn’t know what to do with herself? If anyone were driving in lane next to me and looked over, it definitely wouldn't have been a pretty sight.

I learned of God's purpose for relationships, sex, and marriage and what I learned provided explanation for my actions, as well as the actions of the men in the past. Before, I wasn't sure if there was hope in restoring my body and my identity. According to the world, I was the person who had the STD that everyone joked about…if you have herpes, people won't drink from your cup! By the way, it can't be transmitted that way. :) but if I believed in Jesus, then in God's eyes I was his beloved daughter, and he had plans for me to prosper and he could heal and restore me. With everything that had happened to me and the direction I was going in with my lack of a love life, God's message was a logical explanation for it all. I had a desire to be known, accepted and loved and was trying to find those things in different men and was only succeeding so far in finding physical relationships that lacked those qualities. The way I saw myself, and my value and worth was dependent on whether I was with someone. In order for change to happen in my life and my self image, I accepted Jesus as my savior, receiving forgiveness, grace and acceptance from God for my past. This gift from God gave me the ability to forgive the men for what they had done, and forgive myself for the mistakes I made that resulted in the beautiful mess of a love life I had.

I was baptized the day before moving to Hong Kong and had my close friends, many of whom were Christian including, Julia, Christian and The Swede! I wanted to invite The Actor, to be there and to say goodbye. He was really difficult to get a hold of so he wasn’t able to come. But this past November I went back to LA to visit and had a chance to meet with him and see how he was doing. We ended up talking about what happened in the past and I told him that I didn't want him to feel guilty about it, that I had forgiven him. That was a huge release for me, and he apologized for the way he acted towards me. He had been going to church again and found a spiritual mentor and separated himself from the distractions and temptations that surrounded him before. He knew how much he had hurt me and admitted that he never thought I'd speak to him again but by God's grace and faithfulness we've both been changed. The story between us is truly a testament to how God saves, loves, and restores us, and really makes all things good and perfect in His time.

Since I've been in Hong Kong, I've trusted God in relationships and he has brought other men into my life but each person left the country after no more than 2 weeks, the closest I got to either guys was hugging. Hahaha. I believe he did that to show me that there are men who are after God's heart, who are genuine followers that practice sexual purity, and whose intentions are not to fulfill their desires but to honor and respect me as a daughter of our Father. I believe the situation with College Boyfriend was a blessing in disguise because had that not happened I would have been more promiscuous and experienced greater hurt by many more unhealthy relationships. I also believe God knows my heart and my character, that I do fall easily and he's allowing me to grow as a woman of God and prepare me for when I am in a relationship. I have faith that God will bring someone into my life, as he did with The Actor, The Swede, and my friends, at the time He thinks is best for me. I’m learning to be patient and trust His timing. To be honest, I don't know if I'm healed. I haven't experienced any symptoms for years and there are people who have the virus, who have outbreaks regularly and need to take medication every day, my case is much less severe so I consider myself blessed. But even if I'm not healed it's not relevant anymore because my purpose and identity as a woman is in the way God sees and loves me and not what virus I have or my hurts in my past. I’ve grown a lot in my relationship with God since I moved to Hong Kong...my need to be known, accepted and loved is fulfilled by God so my focus in life is no longer to find someone, and be in a relationship. My heart now is focused on my family, my work, and my community, in which I hope people can come to know God as well.

oneightymystory