I have cuts.
bruises.
sunburn.
dark circles.
acne.
matted hair.
hickeys.
sore muscles.
healing wounds.

I Have Cuts

Organza, white dream 
white night frights 
Of Sheer imagery 
Imagining 
A fabric being 
A crisp covering
A breathable hovering 
So thin —Transparency 
Swaddled in infancy
Coated in front of me
Engulfed in, Smothering 
I feel my fascia 
A tender pain 
Once again

OrganzaWhiteDream

Uneventful Controls

A nail in the toe of your boot
To kick me while I'm down 
It fucks me up for days
When I see you out
I can always smell you
From across the room
And your hair is looking shitty
And your facial hair looks like shit
The raspberries remind me
And that song does too
But you probably don't even think of those berries 
But they fuck me up too
Especially when they're rotting
Like your teeth
That are rotten
And I should have let you cut me
When I had the chance
But like you said
That moment has passed 
And I don't have that scar
And I won't have that scar
That I wish I had
And I could stroke it 
And remember the pain you caused me
The pain I brought on myself

Snake Bones

A delicate balance between dominance and submission
And I'm scare of which I'll choose

You represent this part of me that wants to roam free
I want to roam free

Your face when you're focused
The face you make when you're focused
I look at you
And I lose all focus

Focus

Hello
Fair weather friend
Weathered ship
We've crashed upon the rocks
Our siren had been calling
And we buckled to the sound
Fair weather friend
Do I care or not
Whether you care
Or not?
Goodbye
Fair weather friend
I do care 
Whether you were a fair friend
And I've crashed myself upon the rocks 
Your lack of fairness beaconed 
And you claim I'm your muse
But you're my siren
And I always lose

Sirens and Muses

Preoccupied with my bones
Obsessed with this skeleton
Yearning for the pain
The hunger
For emptiness
Indulging in the emptiness
Entranced by the protrusions 
Feeling for the hunger 
The pain 
Emptiness 
Enthralled by my strength 
As I grow weak
As I grow weaker
Control is strength 
An illusion
Of power
Bones 
My skeleton
Is what's left when I whither 
What's left when I succumb
I'm left with what I've done 
When I'm done

The Hunger for Emptiness

I used to look at you in awe
With such amazement
Such awe
I used to view you with such adoration
With love
And adoration
Now I can barely see
Through these eyes
So swollen 
From crying
They feel tired
Feel resentment
Fear and resentment

Fear and Resentment

I feel the bubble has burst and I wonder if it can reverse because I fear this won't last like it's an illusion and the romantic period is transient.
The romance is transient and then the fear sets in and our insecurities come out so apparent and hard to ignore and we freak and console cycle of freaking out and consoling.
When consoled we graciously accept the consolation and nod as if we agree and feel better but truth is we are still scared and nothing gets resolved internally and we continue hurting and just try to hide it better so it appears we've healed.
Healing takes so long too long and way longer than the short period of time in which we need it to happen to patch this hole and mend this break so we can continue being happy.
I want to know how to relax and enjoy this bliss and ease into comfort with what I deserve and work so hard for but the truth is that I will never feel worthy and it will show and you'll just dissipate like everything else like everyone else I've left like anything I've ever needed or deserved because I can't just accept that it's happening to me.

No Bliss in This

The wrinkles in your lips resemble a wedge of citrus
With the pale white skin removed to reveal the juicy chambers beneath 
Not of an orange or lemon
But maybe a grapefruit in ruby red
Or those volcanic blood oranges
I hate having to decide whether to constantly observe them
Or to kiss them
In which I would no longer be able to see their beauty 
And when those lips are nowhere near,
Those most beautiful lips I've ever seen
Or ever kissed
Are on my mind
And I have to remember their color 
And their impossible softness
And patiently wait until the moment that I can rest mine on the fruit once again

Fruit

You probably don't want to sleep next to me
At all
Not now
Not ever
Ever again
You probably don't want anything to do with me
For now
At all
Or ever again 
And I probably won't ever feel ok 
About this
At all
And never again 
Will I feel that I'm ok
That we are ok 
That this is ok
And will you love me like you did
Ever again
And will we be what we were
Ever again 
I promise not to ask 
About this
Ever again 
At all
Never again

Never Again

Are you inspired by me?
Do I inspire you?
Do I make you feel new?
Do I make you “YOU?”
Enlightened by my ways,
Did I awaken you?
I am always the one to 
Now I need that, too 
It’s not my place 
It’s not my job
I did not pursue this
Did not request this
I’m just me 
But I show you “YOU”
I showed you “YOU”
And you curled up in a ball 
While I couldn’t get in
And I sat in a chair 
And looked out 
Way out
Far out
Out there
To where I am
And here he is
And here it is
And I swore I’d never do this 
Not again 
It’s not safe 
But I did
And in a different way
It wasn’t safe 
But showed me the way
And I knew 
but couldn’t face 
But it had me face it
And I see it now 
So I can’t erase it
I’m awakened by 
Enlightened by
And now it’s my turn to wake up
My turn to see me 
My turn to be me
My turn, 
Mine
Me

Boom Chicka Pop

The pendulum swings 
My internal feelings 
Make me a mess of two things:
Elation 
Depression 
On and off
Tick
Toxic 
Lemme clock into this piece of work
On repeat
Like clockwork
I’m your puppet
I’m manipulated
“Emotional labor”
Depressed, elated 
Aggravated 
Leave me alone

"I got to like, be there with him in that moment."

Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone

Depressed, Elated

The Soft Waves Soundscape Pt. 1

Like I’m walking on the moon 
I am so light
Like my rib cage has dissolved into thin air
& my heart is free to expand 
& throb 
& pound
An open feeling I’ve never before felt 
So used to the crushing weight
The anxiety of
Something I thought was love
But this is adverse
Uncontrolled
a new state of being
a new reality 
of weightlessness 
An open cavity by broken sternum 
Not blunt force trauma but unlocked gently by key 
& softly unlatched and propped open 
A new room
Infiltrate
& please
sleep in my space
& please
stay in this place
I don’t feel crushed by this 
But like dissipated steam
Evaporated and calmly blending with the cool air

A New Room

The sundogs
The splendor
The soft waves
My best qualities weren’t enough for you to stay
Who I am wasn’t enough to keep you
Who I was wasn’t enough
I gave you paradise
And that wasn’t enough
I have to let us die now
Decrepit
Rotting chest cavity
A memory mummified
Wrapped in clean linen
Brain through nose
Sharp hook
Brain through nose
By sharp hook
I took you to paradise
And it wasn’t the same for you
The soft waves
The splendor
The sun
My flaws became too much for you
Came to define me to you
Black and white view
Couldn’t see me anymore
Just the things that make me less than paradise
Blinded
The sundogs
No splendor
Just caught in a wave and I drowned
Somehow floating
Suspended
Waiting
And no rescue
Just stranded in that memory of your hair
And it’s soft waves
In texture
And color of
Stranded alone in the memory of what paradise we had
Clean white linen pure and bound tightly
But you have blacked out that memory
Because to you I’m all bad

The Soft Waves Soundscape Pt. 2

I feel crushed by the weight of the love I have for you
I feel drained by the loss of the faith I had in you 
What a waste of the days that were good and bad with you
Can’t give in to demands that you want so bad and you 
Say “relax, lets step back” then relieve all blame from you
I am crushed by the weight 
and the loss of the great 
and the change 
and the late night pain 
what’s the gain?

I am crushed by the weight of the love I had for you 
I’m haunted by the thoughts 
of the last time we touched 
it’s too much 
not enough to sustain 
what’s the gain?
The restrictions
The restraint 
In a cage 
I’m enraged 
It’s insane
What’s your gain?
I can’t change 
You won’t change 
It’s a game 
What a shame

Relax/Chill

Spore print 
Impression of pain
Embedded in this time 
Memories will be this 
In the future I will remember this 
Like a print 
Made from spores
Of a mushroom 
A fungus 
In my lungs crusted 
Embedded in the walls of my lungs
Breathed in

Spore Print

You like my persistence 
Because it makes you feel wanted
But we know my persistence 
Gets me nowhere
The last part of me 
with no self respect 
Is down on my knees 
Begging for respect

"I'm going to have to block you, Ashley."

//THEY/THEM//
//ENM (Ethereal Noise Music)
//Experimental Electronic
//Dark Psychedelic
//Spoken Word //Performance Art
//Drone //Dark Ambient

Paradise Kittens

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